Some random thoughts on the day of Beckham's first MLS game

I am immortal
I have inside me blood of kings
I have no rival
No man can be my equal
Take me to the future of your world

Born to be kings, princes of the universe
Fighting and free
Got your world in my hand
I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand
We were born to be princes of the universe

Queen - Princes of the Universe

Okay, the whole Beckham spectacle is absolutely ridiculous. I have to say, it's rather impressive. 300,000 jerseys sold?? That is insane! Now, I've previously stated that I didn't think Beckham could make soccer popular in the US, but what I failed to consider is the paparazzi and celebrity friends that follow him. Beckham is famous for being famous. And he has famous friends. If you want attention in America, those two things are gold. I mean, look at Paris Hilton. I have no idea why she's even in the news. I wanna see where soccer can go with Beckham. The problem I foresee is that he will be bigger than the actual game. The NFL has avoided this at all costs. Babe Ruth, Gretzky and Jordan did this to baseball, hockey and basketball, respectively, and in the long run it may have hurt their sports (though it can also be argued that Gretzky and Jordan saved their sports in the first place). I mean, Ruth is still more popular than ANY baseball player alive today. And it can be argued that neither the NHL or NBA have recovered from the retirements of Gretzky and Jordan. It's too damn hard to find athletes who are both excellent ambassadors for their sports AND the most talented in their sport. Regardless, if anyone can make soccer big in America it is Beckham. And I gotta say, I'll be rooting for him. It's gonna be a tough road though.

- So I was trying to think of why Beckham would leave Europe to come here. This is a country where poker is more popular than soccer. Obviously, the money was sweet. And I totally underestimated how hyped his arrival would be. But if you're a pro athlete, don't you have that urge to play at the highest level? The MLS is probably comparable to the second division in one of the major European leagues. Beckham is better than that. Watching the last few minutes of his Galaxy debut, though, it hit me.... he really can't lose here. He's already being hailed a savior and will make every MLS team money simply by him playing in the game. Since it's the MLS, there really isn't any pressure. Compared to the British sports media that regularly rips Beckham apart, the American media will be much softer, and thus far our media have embraced Beckham to a degree that I find quite astounding. EVERYONE is talking about him, and it's all been positive. If you were given a fuck load of money to live in LA, have relatively little pressure on you, and be treated like a hero (and this is before you even played a game!), how could you turn this down? Yeah, the competition in Europe is greater. But the money would likely not be as good, the pressure would be100 times greater, and Beckham would not be as dominant a figure as he can be in the MLS. And ultimately, if he can manage to truly penetrate the American sports zeitgeist and make soccer a major part of US culture, then he will be more than a big-time athlete. He will go down with Jordan, Gretzky and Ruth and will become the stuff of legends.

- Seriously, how do people just walk into a bar wearing a cowboy hat, boots, and overalls while taking themselves seriously? You fuckers look ridiculous! Granted, you're also all roughly 5 inches and 100 pounds bigger than me, so do as you wish.

- Thick Texas accents piss me off. Thus far, I think the only accents I actually like are Wisconsin accents. They amuse me.

- They should rename Texarkana Land O' Lakes, cause every girl here is a butter face

-If they gave out medals for picking out the slowest check-out line at stores, I would win gold all the time

- On a related note, Walmarts kinda creep me out. Not sure if it's the mass consumerism or the fact that the gigantic Walmarts they have here just remind me of the south. There's just something intrinsically wrong with a store that refuses to sell albums that have 'explicit lyrics' but has no problem selling guns

- If ESPN's plan was to put Jessica Biel on 'Who's Now?' in an effort to get me to watch... it worked. If you're a girl, and you want a guy, go learn some sports facts. It's ensures that you always have a conversation piece and it's hot as hell.

Other things girls should do:
- Wear jeans that have like slits near the knees. They have that punk vibe too em. Love that
- Learn to cook. EVERY guy you know will love you if you make them food
- Learn to fix cars. When the chick in Transformers is trying to fix Bumblebee.... just damn (the midriff baring shirt and hip-hugging jeans also helped a tad)

- Why's Cuba Gooding doing Hanes commercials with MJ? These are weird

Whos Now? Who Cares....

I took the tube back out of town
Back to the Rollin' Pin
I felt a little like a dying clown
With a streak of Rin Tin Tin

I stretched back and I hiccupped
And looked back on my busy day
Eleven hours in the Tin Pan
God, there's got to be another way

Who are you?

The Who - Who Are You?

Probably 75% of the actual television I watch is sports. This means that Sportscenter is my TV bible. I watch it everyday. It comforts me. I need noise to seep, and in the absence of music I'll go with Sportscenter. Lately, though, they have been doing this stupid 'Who's Now?' segment where they pit 32 athletes in a March Madness type tournament to decide who the ultimate 'now' athlete is. Now, as interesting as this might sound (i mean, what guy doesn't love arguing sports?), there are several flaws with ESPN"S whole tournament process.
The athletes selected poses a major problem. Shaun White? Kelly Slater? Chuck Liddell?? How are they even on the list? And you're putting Vince Young and Matt Leinart on the list instead of McNabb or Favre? And where's AI, KG, Duncan, Oden, Durant? No way in hell TonyParker is bigger than any of them (rap album or not). I mean, how can you do a 'who's who' of athletes without some of the biggest names? And you expect people to accept this thing as somehow legitimate? Such bullshit.
And the whole thing only considers non-retired athletes. Which, again, is total bullshit. Where's Barkley? And Bird? And Magic? What about Emmit Smith, Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Wayne Gretzky, Bo Jackson, Willie Mays, Pele. The whole thing is flawed as balls. How can you expect anyone to take this seriously when you leave off Michael Jordan, who is still arguably the biggest athlete on the planet? Put him in the bracket and NOBODY, beats him (with maybe Tiger Woods being the exception, but I have a feeling Jordan would win that battle).
Lastly, the way they decide who wins is utter crap. Their "panel" accounts for 30% percent of the vote. Now, I'm fine with Wilbon, he covers all sports on a daily basis. But Keyshawn Johnson? Sorry if I don' exactly respect his opinion on a wide variety of sports or expect him to be unbiased as it regards to football (though, he did surprisingly vote against Reggie Bush, but I'm gonna chalk that up to jealousy). Don't you really need a larger panel here? I mean, these guys said Tony Parker was bigger than Roger Federer. So the greatest tennis player of this generation (and, by the time he's done, maybe all time) is less 'now' than Parker who, though an all-star, can't really even be considered a top-5 NBA point guard? What kind of crap is that? What about LT over David fricking Beckham? Ridiculous.
I'd say it was a good idea... but it's not really. Does anyone actually like this thing? It's annoying as balls. And I didn't mind Stuart Scott before the whole thing began (unlike a large number of people), but he's starting to get on my nerves at this point. And honestly, if they define "now" to me one more time, I will kidnap Chris Berman until they stop this travesty. I still love you ESPN, but this time you have led your flock astray. Just stick to highlights.

Transformers

You got the touch
You got the power

After all is said and done
You've never walked, you've never run,
You're a winner

You got the moves, you know the streets
Break the rules, take the heat
You're nobody's fool

You're at your best when when the goin' gets rough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough

Stan Bush - The Touch

I love 80s cartoon. Thundercats, G.I. Joe, Voltron, Transformers. I lived for them. And yes, I'm a huge nerd, so fuck you. When I heard there was a Transformers movie I was initially excited.... then I heard Michael Bay was directing. I don't like Bay. His movie are aways too over-the-top and grandiose. While I enjoyed The Rock and Bad Boys, Armageddon and Pearl Harbor were pretentious wastes of money. Why not someone like Bryan Singer? And tell me Peter Jackson wouldn't have dominated. Bay can do action, that can't be argued, but I seriously doubted his ability to do anything else. The cartoon version of Transformers worked cause the robots were given human traits. Could Bay manage to make them resonate with viewers? The Rock and Bad Boys worked due to the actors involved (Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage, and Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, respectively). Transformers contained no such pedigree of actor. Plus, hearing Bay disparage the original Transformers movie broke my heart. Yeah, the movie was just an excuse to sell a whole new line of toys. But I love that movie. It is easily one of my favorites. Just let me have it and damn anyone who puts it down. And this coming from Bay, who admitted to not even being a fan? Fuck you man.
So needless to say, I was rather ambivalent when I heard he was going to be directing a movie of one of the iconic shows of my childhood. I have to say, though, I was pleasantly surprised.

****SPOILER ALERT***

Of course, the movie wasn't perfect and there were definitely things I would have done differently.

- To start out with, there's too much human involvement. Why are there so many fuckin humans in Transfrickinformers? And the problem is, Bay has no idea how to direct human-human interactions. They either have to be shooting someone or doing something comedic. How bout you just let them act? Give me less humans and more damned robots!

- That neurotic Decepticon spy thing. Its weapons were cool as hell, but its 'noises' or whatever they were were just plain annoying. And why not use Laserbeak? How cool would that have been??

- The scene where the robots are hiding behind the house is ridiculous and pointless. You're telling me people can't hear a bunch of 50-foot metal robots walking around?? Seriously??

- Megatron's plane was awesome as balls... but still, he's a gun. He HAS to be. Okay, I get why they wouldn't want to use it, but fuck that. You HAVE to cater to the hardcore fans somewhat. They're gonna be the ones scrutinizing the movie and spreading it by word of mouth. Plus, if Megatron turns into a gun it gives more screen time to Starscream.

- Jazz's death was BULLSHIT. Complete and utter. Megatron just rips him in half?? I was upset. And how was Jazz so much smaller than Megatron? And there is NO FUCKING WAY Optimus would EVER leave Bumblebee or any of his own behind. I will not forgive you for that Michael Bay.

- Why did they drive into the city? Someone explain this to me. This didn't make a lick of sense. Why don't we drive into the city where innocent people can get hurt!

- And I didn't totally get that thing killing Megatron. He should've died to Prime's hands. And what's with them being brothers? We better get a fuckin back story now.

What I liked:

- The robots transforming was absolutely AMAZING. It blew me away. And the robots themselves were ridiculously detailed. I couldn't speak when I first saw Optimus. And I even liked the new Bumblebee...

- ... On that note, Bumblebee worked due to Bay referencing his original VW form in the car lot. Bay also using lines from the show and movie ("you've failed me again Starscream" and "one shall stand, one shall fall") was a classy touch, akin to referencing yellow spandex uniforms in X-men. Like I said, with a cult movie like this you have to cater to the hardcore fans, at least somewhat, and that's what they did with Transformers (also something they didn't do with X-3, another problem with that piece of shit movie).

- The fight scenes. Bay can just fucking do action, hands down. Two transformers fighting each other amidst freeways is enough to give me a metallic hard-on. And the opening sequence with Scorpinox was pimp.

- Megan Fox. I could've just stared at her stomach and ass for the entire movie. I'm predicting right now that she becomes the next Jennifer Love Hewitt (guys will adore her, girls will shower her with undeserved hate).


Ultimately, Bay did a decent job. The fight scenes and robots were impeccable. The transformations were cool as balls. Keeping Peter Cullen was Optimus was a good choice (although there may have been riots if he didn't). Was Bay the best choice? Probably not, but honestly this would be a very difficult movie to direct. I think Peter Jackson, Ridley Scott or James Cameron would've done a better job of humanizing the robots. But they also would have got rid of the light-hearted, comedic parts of the move, which, surprisingly, worked very well. Bumblebee doing his best to get Sam some and then peeing on the dude were just hilarious parts to the movie, and I think I died at the whole parents and masturbation part. All-in-all, a good summer movie that doesn't really require you to think (and, well, maybe it's better not to try and rationalize a bunch of transforming alien robots coming to Earth to try and find a pair of glasses) and provides lots of cool giant things blowing shit up. Good times. I'm now super excited for the second movie (which is supposed to have Soundwave in it! I love him!!) Yeah, I'm a huge nerd, so fuck you.

On Live Earth

Don't go near the water...
Don't you think it's sad,
What's happened to the water?
Our water's goin' bad.

Oceans, rivers, lakes and streams
Have all been touched by man.
The poison floatin' out to sea
Now threatens life on land.

Don't go near the water...
Ain't it sad,
What's happened to the water?
It's going bad.

The Beach Boys - Don't Go Near the Water

I love music. And there was something about Live Earth that struck me. Seeing a bunch of millionaire musicians do something for the environment.... it gave me some actual hope for the future. I didn't watch the whole thing, but I did see a lot of it. Maybe I'm just a sucker for big, socially conscious musical festivals, but I thought it was fucking sweet. Some thoughts, then....

- One reason I think Live Earth was so good, at least on TV, was that it seemed like all the artists were trying their hardest. Even Duran Duran, who no one seemed to really give a crap about (did they not play Hungry Like A Wolf, or did I just miss it?) The exception seemed to be Genesis. They looked like they were coasting. But on that note, Phil Collins may be 75, and it was for a good cause, so I'll give them a pass.

- The Alicia Keys-Keith Urban cover of Gimme Shelter was actually pretty cool

- I have to say, I was in no way, shape or form a Melissa Etheridge fan before the concert, but her whole political spiel was highly impressive and pretty damn cool.

- Who's KT Tunstall? She was pretty awesome. Cool musician that I'll have to check out. And I totally dig the accent

- Akon talking about a stripper girlfriend totally fit in with the socially conscious attitudes of the other bands. Seriously, what?

- So is no one else shocked by Al Gore's meteoric rise to super-stardom? I mean, he got the biggest ovation at the event. And seriously, if you're Gore, is there a better slap in the face to Bush and his administration than successfully organizing such a concert? While the Bush administration has neglected, if not hurt, the environment, Gore managed to create a movement and raise interest in his environmental cause. During Bush's term, possibly his two biggest detractors have been the young voting group and Hollywood - both of whom Gore now solidly has on his side. Ultimately, mob rule will prevail. And whether you believe in global warming or not (I believe it exists and is a growing problem, just not on apocalyptic proportions), it is now the prevailing theory among the young and famous.
If Gore ran for president now, I think he'd win. Shit, have you seen the other candidates? I'd vote for him. All that prevented Gore from winning in his previous race (although it must be noted I am skeptical as to whether he actually 'lost') was a complete and utter lack of personality. But who the hell needs that when you have Bon Jovi and DeNiro in your corner? Is there a more beloved political figure in America right now than Al Gore? If you're him, don't you have to join the presidential race? And honestly, it'd be nice to have a president looking to make a beneficial change rather than simply striving to spread capitalism through war.

More random thoughts

Is there anything more nerve-racking than going 75 in a 60 mph zone and driving right by a cop you didn't see, and looking in your mirror as you wait to see if he turns his lights on?

I remember when everybody had an ipod except me, and I was like 'oh, I don't need one of those things, they're just over-priced preppy toys.' Well since I've got one, I don't know if I could live without my ipod. I NEED it to fly and run. And recently I got one of those adapter things for my cars. It makes a long-ass drive bearable. Looking at the most influential inventions of the last 30 to 40 years, the ipod has to be in the top ten, right?

So if it didn't come with the social stigma and, for the most part, decrease one's attractiveness towards the opposite sex, wouldn't everyone want to be fat? Think about it. Not caring what others think about you. Not worrying about working out. Eating delicious stuff ALL the time. Who doesn't envy the fat a little bit? That is until you play some sort of sport with them... then you're just happy they're not on your team.

Speaking of fat, what if we just drop boxes upon boxes of Krispy Kremes into the middle east, destroying the Taliban and Al Qaeda with heart disease and clogged arteries? Plus, if they're out of shape they'll be much easier to chase down.

So I decided Big Love is gonna be my next show. Just weird. Something I've never seen before. And, um, it kinda makes me scared of Mormons. Just watch an episode you'll understand.

Weeds: Season 2 is almost out on DVD!!

So does it bother anyone else that Flava Flav went from a part of one of the most influential musical groups EVER to basically a self-mocking caricature? Okay, obviously Chuck D was the heart, soul and mind of Public Enemy, but the whole thing didn't mean anything at all to Flav? The transformation is staggering.

Okay, so if you told me, let's say 5 years ago, that of all the big bubble-gum pop songstresses to emerge in the late 90s that the one with the most respectable career in 2007 would be Mandy Moore, I would have doubted you, to say the least. But think about it. Britney went nuts, Lohan's a strung out whore, Jessica Simpson is nothing more than a pair of walking boobs that no one actually takes seriously, and Aguilera's image will forever remain tarnished due to her 'whorish' phase. But take a look at Moore. She did the usual chick flick fodder, providing eye candy for any guy forced to watch such a movie in order to get laid. But she also did edgier material such as Entourage and Saved. Granted, her singing career is plummeting like a cannonball over a cliff with her last album entering the charts around 940th place, somewhere between Tony Parker's rap album and Ron Artest's greatest hits. Regardless, I can see her sticking around as an actress. Impressive.
Her biggest rival? How about Hillary Duff? She's also stopped singing (one can only hope) to focus on acting, and War Inc., besides having an excellent cast, looks like it could be pretty good.

Along the same line of thought, I am NOT excited to see Lindsay Lohan's inevitable home-made porn. We knows it's coming. I give her three more months. But at this point, does anyone really wanna see her naked? Her being named Maxim's Hottest Girl is an affront to mankind. And Lindsay, Tara Reid called, she wants her crack-head, slut image back.

Speaking of porn, I decided my childhood will officially die the day Danielle Fishel does a nude scene.

Southern girls routinely refer to guys as 'honey' or 'sweetie.' I LOVE this! All girls should add these words to their vocabulary. And I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Hooters girls talk like this too

So Texas has cities named Paris, Naples and Moscow. Hey Texas, you're not fucking Europe! Stop that shit. A large percentage of the country does NOT like your state. Texas city names like Beirut or Damascus would seem to be much more accurate. Although there is a Camden, Texas.... that sounds right to me.
Side note: if anyone wants to take you on a trip to 'small-town' Texas, tell them to fuck off and die. I'd rather take a vacation to the Gaza Strip.

My favorite Texas moment so far:
Driving behind a truck that had a sign that said, simply, "Caution: show chickens"

Finally, my ode to Boondock Saints and shitty Texas drivers:

We do not ask for your fast or your slow.
                        We do not want your SUV's or your pick-ups.
                        It is your shitty drivers we claim.
                       
It is your evil, who will be sought
                        by us.

                        With every breath we shall hunt them
                        down.

                                  
                        Each day we will spill their blood
                        till it rains down from the skies.

                        Do NOT drive 40 in the fast lane,
do NOT cut people off,
USE your damned turn signals.
These are principles which
                        every man of every faith can embrace.

                              
                        These are not polite suggestions.
                        They are codes of behavior and those
                        that ignore them will pay the dearest
                        cost.

I'm off to Philly for the 4th. Have a great 4th of July!

MXC

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of you all round my cell
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down
And turning in and turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so

The Vapors - Turning Japanese

So if you've ever been up late one night, let's say you just got home from a night out drinking. Now you're still drunk and not ready for bed, so what do you do? You grab a bag of chips and switch on the TV. The problem is, there's never anything good on. Sportscenter's usually bearable, but then you inevitably get WNBA or Nascar highlights. So you're flipping through channel after channel, when suddenly something catches your eye. What the fuck is this? you ask out loud. It look like some sort of foreign game-show. You decide why the fuck not? and watch it. And it is the best decision you've ever made. My friend, you have found Most Extreme Challenge.
So what exactly is MXC? Well it's some Japanese game show given the Mystery Science Theater treatment. The participants cause themselves great bodily harm in an attempt to win (we're never sure what exactly they're playing for, I'm gonna say pride), and an incredibly ridiculous, obviously scripted dubbing over them is used to great comedic heights. The show is stupid. It seems like the brain-child of a bunch of drunken frat boys. And I'm fairly sure it's insulting to Asians on a variety of levels. But if you're in some way inebriated (and this is important; if you're sober you will be insulted on an intellectual level), it will be the best thing you will ever see. Foreign people falling in agony as they yell non-sensical exclamations? Whether you realize it or not, this is your dream show. Pain, agony, comedy, xenophobia - everything a true red-blooded American could want. So next time you're drunk as balls or baked off your ass, pick-up the remote and find Most Extreme Challenge. You will not regret it.

Note: I'm not really sure what channel it's on, I'm usually too drunk by then to read numbers. But trust me, it's impossible to mistake it for anything else on TV.

Picking on Fantastic Four 2

You are the latest contender
You are the one to remember
You are the villain who sends her
Light or dark, fantastic passion
I know that you will surrender
I know that you will surrender
I want this fantastic passion
We'll have fantastic passion

You can feel my lips undress your eyes
Undress your eyes, undress your eyes
Words of love and words so leisured
Words of poisoned darts of pleasure
Died... and so you died

Franz Ferdinand - Darts of Pleasure

So the first Fantastic Four movie was horrendous. I'd say the plot was terrible, but it was more non-existent than anything. So why, you may ask, would I pay to see Fantastic Four 2 after the piece of crap that was the first one? Well, it's a superhero movie, and if that's not reason enough for you, then you really don't know me.
I can't say I was all that excited for the movie. After the first one, I had very low expectations. If anything, I was looking forward to seeing the film's depiction of Silver Surfer. Entertainment-wise, I was not disappointed. The movie moved at a fast pace (thankfully) and barely bothered with such trivial matters as character development or a smart script. There were some glaring issues, though, that I had with the movie:

Warning: SPOILER ALERT!

1) Okay, why the hell is Dr. Doom dormant inside a wooden box in Latveria? This doesn't make a lick of sense. Hey, we caught that super-villain. Let's put him in a box and send him to a castle in Latveria. And then why does the surfer suddenly wake him out of this dormant stage? This makes no sense.

2) Once Doom's awake, how does he manage to acquire cutting-edge technology that allows him to track the surfer that even the government doesn't possess?

3) Exactly what night club do the guys go to? I'm fairly positive no club in the world has that high of a female-to-male ratio.

4) So you need the Fantastic Four's help... so you send in the general that has issues with Reed? How is that smart? And why didn't they send some scientists to help him out? That whole part was stupid.

5) And then the US government decides to collaborate with Dr. Doom? Huh??

6) So when they're in Germany, why isn't the German army there?

7) Then why do they take the captured Surfer to Siberia? There's a secret government facility in, of all places, Siberia? And rather than question the alien, we're gonna inject him with shit? Alrighty then.

8) Evidently Reed Richards also found out how to break the speed of light. His hovercraft thing flies from New York to Siberia in a matter of minutes.

9) When Silver Surfer takes the Human Torch up into space, shouldn't Johnny have suffocated? And if not that, wouldn't his skull have been crushed by the pressure? And how exactly does he survive a fall from the atmosphere into the desert?? Wouldn't he have burned-up before he got anywhere near the surface??? And say he somehow survived that, the impact would have splattered him like a pancake. Preposterous.

10) The surfer takes out Galactus. So Galactus, who can eat entire fucking planets, is beaten by his own creation? BULLSHIT!

11) I love Jessca Alba. She is one of, if not the, hottest girls on the planet. But she is an awful Sue Storm. You couldn't find a blonde girl in Hollywood willing to take a part in the Fantastic Four franchise? Really??

Okay, aside from those "problems" I enjoyed the movie. I mean, it could of used more
Silver Surfer. And though the depiction of Galactus was pretty cool, it would've been better if they, you know, actually showed Galactus. Plus I've never liked Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom. I wold've preferred someone like Kevin Spacey or Kevin Bacon. But the movie had some good qualities. The Surfer was bad-ass and the initial chase between him and the Human Torch was vivid and exceedingly well-done. The cinematography was sweet and the scene of the emptied Thames was pretty dark. Compared to the first movie, this was one was oscar worthy. The thing is, I think they're almost trying too hard with these super hero movies Comic book fans are easily appeased. Give us the expected. Shit, you have scripts already printed out for you! But you know, a little logic would be nice. I'd like to see movie makers treat their audience like they have a brain. That would be awesome. We'll just call this movie the 'average four,' as opposed to the first one which should've been titled the 'completely shitty and useless four.'