Transformers

You got the touch
You got the power

After all is said and done
You've never walked, you've never run,
You're a winner

You got the moves, you know the streets
Break the rules, take the heat
You're nobody's fool

You're at your best when when the goin' gets rough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough

Stan Bush - The Touch

I love 80s cartoon. Thundercats, G.I. Joe, Voltron, Transformers. I lived for them. And yes, I'm a huge nerd, so fuck you. When I heard there was a Transformers movie I was initially excited.... then I heard Michael Bay was directing. I don't like Bay. His movie are aways too over-the-top and grandiose. While I enjoyed The Rock and Bad Boys, Armageddon and Pearl Harbor were pretentious wastes of money. Why not someone like Bryan Singer? And tell me Peter Jackson wouldn't have dominated. Bay can do action, that can't be argued, but I seriously doubted his ability to do anything else. The cartoon version of Transformers worked cause the robots were given human traits. Could Bay manage to make them resonate with viewers? The Rock and Bad Boys worked due to the actors involved (Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage, and Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, respectively). Transformers contained no such pedigree of actor. Plus, hearing Bay disparage the original Transformers movie broke my heart. Yeah, the movie was just an excuse to sell a whole new line of toys. But I love that movie. It is easily one of my favorites. Just let me have it and damn anyone who puts it down. And this coming from Bay, who admitted to not even being a fan? Fuck you man.
So needless to say, I was rather ambivalent when I heard he was going to be directing a movie of one of the iconic shows of my childhood. I have to say, though, I was pleasantly surprised.

****SPOILER ALERT***

Of course, the movie wasn't perfect and there were definitely things I would have done differently.

- To start out with, there's too much human involvement. Why are there so many fuckin humans in Transfrickinformers? And the problem is, Bay has no idea how to direct human-human interactions. They either have to be shooting someone or doing something comedic. How bout you just let them act? Give me less humans and more damned robots!

- That neurotic Decepticon spy thing. Its weapons were cool as hell, but its 'noises' or whatever they were were just plain annoying. And why not use Laserbeak? How cool would that have been??

- The scene where the robots are hiding behind the house is ridiculous and pointless. You're telling me people can't hear a bunch of 50-foot metal robots walking around?? Seriously??

- Megatron's plane was awesome as balls... but still, he's a gun. He HAS to be. Okay, I get why they wouldn't want to use it, but fuck that. You HAVE to cater to the hardcore fans somewhat. They're gonna be the ones scrutinizing the movie and spreading it by word of mouth. Plus, if Megatron turns into a gun it gives more screen time to Starscream.

- Jazz's death was BULLSHIT. Complete and utter. Megatron just rips him in half?? I was upset. And how was Jazz so much smaller than Megatron? And there is NO FUCKING WAY Optimus would EVER leave Bumblebee or any of his own behind. I will not forgive you for that Michael Bay.

- Why did they drive into the city? Someone explain this to me. This didn't make a lick of sense. Why don't we drive into the city where innocent people can get hurt!

- And I didn't totally get that thing killing Megatron. He should've died to Prime's hands. And what's with them being brothers? We better get a fuckin back story now.

What I liked:

- The robots transforming was absolutely AMAZING. It blew me away. And the robots themselves were ridiculously detailed. I couldn't speak when I first saw Optimus. And I even liked the new Bumblebee...

- ... On that note, Bumblebee worked due to Bay referencing his original VW form in the car lot. Bay also using lines from the show and movie ("you've failed me again Starscream" and "one shall stand, one shall fall") was a classy touch, akin to referencing yellow spandex uniforms in X-men. Like I said, with a cult movie like this you have to cater to the hardcore fans, at least somewhat, and that's what they did with Transformers (also something they didn't do with X-3, another problem with that piece of shit movie).

- The fight scenes. Bay can just fucking do action, hands down. Two transformers fighting each other amidst freeways is enough to give me a metallic hard-on. And the opening sequence with Scorpinox was pimp.

- Megan Fox. I could've just stared at her stomach and ass for the entire movie. I'm predicting right now that she becomes the next Jennifer Love Hewitt (guys will adore her, girls will shower her with undeserved hate).


Ultimately, Bay did a decent job. The fight scenes and robots were impeccable. The transformations were cool as balls. Keeping Peter Cullen was Optimus was a good choice (although there may have been riots if he didn't). Was Bay the best choice? Probably not, but honestly this would be a very difficult movie to direct. I think Peter Jackson, Ridley Scott or James Cameron would've done a better job of humanizing the robots. But they also would have got rid of the light-hearted, comedic parts of the move, which, surprisingly, worked very well. Bumblebee doing his best to get Sam some and then peeing on the dude were just hilarious parts to the movie, and I think I died at the whole parents and masturbation part. All-in-all, a good summer movie that doesn't really require you to think (and, well, maybe it's better not to try and rationalize a bunch of transforming alien robots coming to Earth to try and find a pair of glasses) and provides lots of cool giant things blowing shit up. Good times. I'm now super excited for the second movie (which is supposed to have Soundwave in it! I love him!!) Yeah, I'm a huge nerd, so fuck you.