The Stupidest Songs Ever Made

So as Christmas approached I felt I had to make a list of the stupidest songs ever. Now these aren't necessarily the worst songs ever made, simply the stupidest. Either for reasons relating to music or to lyrics, these songs hurt my brain. Out of necessity I have left out cover songs (alas that means doing without Britney's version of "Can't Get No (Satisfaction)") and limited myself to only one country song. So without further ado, here is some of the most retarded songs ever made

5) Kidrock - "So Hott" (narrowly edging out "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry)



First off you have Kidrock trying to be all pimp and suave when he hasn't released a meaningful song in about eight years and his biggest claim to fame was sleeping with the walking STD that is Pamela Anderson. Then you have the lyrics to this atrocious piece of shit, and I quote:

"You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex."

Huh? Okay, I could see this song being good in a strip club, but at this point in his career, Kidrock releasing something as ridiculously bad as this track would be akin to Jordan coming back and challenging Kobe to a game of one-on-one. You had your 15 minutes, you made some money, got laid a whole bunch, but give it up man. It's time to crawl back to the trailer park from whence you came.

4) Fergie - "Fergalicious" (narrowly edging out Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend", Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind", and Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps")



You named the song after yourself. This is irrationally dumb! Bad Company tried it out too, but you know what? They actually have talent you stupid bimbo whore! Which such gems as

"Fergalicious
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious
I blow kisses
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got"

and

"I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness"

The song truly makes you stupider every time you hear it. She spells out delicious! Not to mention the fact that she spells tasty "tastEy". You dumb slut. At least learn to fucking spell if you're gonna force us to listen to this awful shit.

3) Craig Morgan - "International Harvester" (narrowly beating out "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" Trace Adkins



It's a song about being a hey farmer. Seriously? Fuck you middle America! It's a shitty job and this is a stupid song. With insightful lyrics like this:

"Well you may be on a state paved road
But that blacktop runs through my payload
Excuse me for tryin’ to do my job
But this year ain’t been no bumper crop
If you don’t like the way I’m a drivin’
Get back on the interstate
Otherwise sit tight and be nice
And quit yer honkin’ at me that way"

I truly feel like driving to a farm and punching whoever answers the door right in the face. How about you get your slow, piece of shit tractor of the fucking road? And maybe next time learn to read and you won't have to haul wheat for a living. Dumbass.

2) Jennifer Love Hewitt "Let's Go Bang" (narrowly trumping anything by Jamie Lynn Sigler)

Sooo you're gonna call a JLH song "Let's Go Bang" and not expect people to take it the wrong way? That's some shrewd thinking there. So bad I couldn't even find a copy of the piece of shit. Perhaps these lyrics will suffice:

"Before the groove hits
The move you want it to
And Uncle Funk wants
It over tonight
So, just dance along to
Wherever they take you tonight
You just bang it all up and out
Bang it all on time"

1) Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmas Time"



The stupidest song ever made and it's not even close. Honestly Sir Paul? After all the amazing Beatles songs and more than adequate stuff with Wings you give us this? I can't even call it music. To go along with the incessant sleigh bells and 80's synth riff, McCartney recites the most uninspired lyrics of his life. I mean, the refrain "ding dong, ding dong" is repeated several times throughout the song. Why? Just why?? Every Christmas I hear this song and all I can think about is how impeccably bad it is. It makes me want to push Santa Claus off a roof and punt some starving African kids. Despite all McCartney has done for music this will always hang over his head like a cloud of shame. Molesting a child would have tarnished your reputation less than this horrid plague upon mankind. What the fuck were you thinking? God I hope you were high on shrooms when you created this tremendous turd.

Okay, that's my list. Obviously it's not complete. There are tons of other ridiculously stupid creations that people call 'songs' out there. The lesson, as always, you don't need to be smart to be in the music industry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen to "Wonderful Christmas Time" for the final time until next December. And after that I think I'll go ride a unicycle into traffic.

Fuck You Hollywood

So a couple months ago I first saw a trailer for The Golden Compass. Between cool looking special effects, flying witches, talking bears and an image of being anti-church, I was intrigued. Being who I am, I had to pick up the book before I saw the movie. Once I started reading it, I was hooked. Pullman is an excellent story-teller with an ability to make his characters feel real to his readers. I loved the book and consumed it rapidly. As the movie neared my excitement for it grew. The book would be an easy movie to make I thought. One problem with a lot of movies is how to transfer a character's thoughts to the screen, but with pretty much every character having an outwards soul in the form of a daemon, that problem would be solved. Seeing the early reviews I was a bit dismayed, but I figured reviewers were simply being overly-harsh as usual. When I left the theater, however, all I felt was anger at whoever butchered what was a great book.
The main overall problem with the film adaptation of The Golden Compass was that they tried to make the movie for 'kids'. This led to 1) much of the death being taken out of the movie, 2) all references to the 'church' or 'god' being taken out of the movie, and 3) the movie being reduced to a ridiculous 2 hour running time. Let's look at these issues more closely, shall we?

While there was death in the battle scenes, other episodes of death were taken out or changed. First off, the characters of Billy Costa and Tony Makarios are combined into one in the movie, which I would've been fine with if Billy dies when he loses his daemon (as Tony does in the book). But noooo, they have Billy survive. Evidently having a child die would be too dramatic for the 'kid' audience. Then they go and change Iorek Byrnison's back-story. In the book he is exiled for killing another bear, in the movie he is exiled for losing in battle. That compromises his entire character! Which leads to Iofur Ratkinson. Not only is his name changed for some fucking reason (I can only assume this is done so little kids don't confuse two bears with 'I' names) but they changed the question he asks Lyra to prove she's a daemon. In the book he asks her what the first thing he killed was, which happened to be his dad, while in the movie he simply asks her something stupid. Again, the true nature of the character is compromised to make the movie more palatable for kids.

Say what you want, but there is a definite anti-religion undertone in The Dark Materials trilogy. I mean the bad guys work for the 'church!' I wouldn't say the books are atheistic, but rather a warning against the abuses of religious power. This is a main theme of the book. In the movie, however, no reference is made to the church or god at all, but rather the enemies are referred to as the 'Magisterium'. Really? This would be like making an X-men movie and calling Magneto 'metal controller'. This is absolutely ridiculous. Oh no! We can't offend the religious right! Give me a break. These are the same people that get offended by two girls kissing. Fuck them. If they're offended have them actually read the damn book instead of just bitching. How can you just remove the whole religion aspect from the movie? How can you change a whole theme of the book and change who the antagonists are? Total bullshit.

Kids can't sit still for a long period of time, so the creators of The Golden Compass obviously felt like they had to keep the movie to a two hour running time. There is no way you can turn a book the size of The Golden Compass into a two hour movie without destroying the integrity of the book. There was absolutely no character development, when one of the key points of the book is the growth of Lyra. All the scenes seemed rushed and everything was simply explained to you rather than shown. That is NOT how you make a movie! It felt like I was watching a 2 hour movie trailer. The movie was simplified and shortened for kids, along with a dumbed down script, which simply made the movie a series of disconnected scenes that are almost impossible to follow.

There were other major problems with the film. They totally took out the witch's consul and replaced it with the scene with Serafina Pekkala on the ship, which I would've been cool with but that scene just felt forced (Eva Green though? That's some awesome casting). The witches just sort of appear. They were cool and all, but what the hell? And where's Kaisha? I was excited to see him, and then he doesn't even appear. And how about explaining some of the Gyptian and Ma Costa's relationship with Lyra? Oh right, character development isn't allowed.
Chronology-wise, they had the battle at Svalbord before the siege of Bolvangar. Why? What is the point of that? And what about the freeing of the daemons?
This leads directly to the ending... or the lack thereof. In the book they go directly from Svalbord to free Lord Asriel. Seeing as they completely changed this part of the book for the movie, exactly how did they intend to transition into the ending from the book? Seeing as I highly doubt the movie will be profitable so we likely won't see a sequel, I guess it's a moot point.

So evidently the studio wanted to make a new Lord of the Rings-esque trilogy, but I don't fucking think so. Peter Jackson's adaptation of Tolkien's books were a labor of love and weren't made for the 'tiny ones'. The movies worked because Jackson took his time with the characters and, for the most part, followed the book. The Golden Compass, on the other hand, was a total cop-out. It was a way for the studios to get kids who've never even heard of the book go watch a movie cause it had bears fighting. If you're not going to spend the time to make the movie well, then why make it at all? Did they really think this thing was good? Why not bring in some fans of the book for their opinions? After all, they're the ones who'll go see the movie multiple times and spread it by word of mouth. I've lost a lot of faith in Hollywood. I Am Legend comes out next weekend. Ruin that too, and my faith may be extinguished for good. Fuck you Hollywood.

Some sports related thoughts

First off, fuck the Pats. I'm fucking sick of them. I honestly don't think I've ever hated a team this much. Maybe the Yankees of the late 90's and early 2000's, but they had people like Torre, Jeter, Rivera and Posada you couldn't help but respect. Maybe the Shaq-Kobe Lakers, but ultimately I think that was just a 'me hating Kobe' thing. But the 2007 Pariots have absolutely no redeeming qualities. Let's make a convenient list:

1) Their coach, Bill Belichick, is a complete and utter douche. He treats the media and opposing coaches like dirt. Then there's being caught cheating (yeah I'm sure everyone does it, but they haven't been caught!) Due to everyone now, sorta, half-questioning the validity of the Pats last three Superbowl victories, Beli-dick has taken it upon himself to completely ruin whatever was left of sportsmanship in the NFL and unnecessarily run up scores. I mean, to soundly beat your opponent is one thing, but to go out of your way to humiliate them is something different altogether. There's no reason to throw on 4th and 1 with a four touchdown lead with a minute left in the game.

2) Tom Brady's too lucky. Three superbowl titles, tons of money, and Gisele? That's bullshit. I hope a baby grand piano falls on him (only injuring him as I would not wish death on anyone...yet).

3) I draft Randy Moss for my fantasy team last year and he does precisely shit cause he doesn't feel motivated enough to play for the Raiders. Now he's having a receiving year for the ages. Fuck you Randy Moss, you little bitch.

4) The Pats are so god-damned cocky and smug. Listen to the fuckers talk! Jabar Gaffney mocks the Eagles after scoring a touchdown. Really? Jabar motherfucking Gaffney? Who the fuck are you? And way to show some class by the way. Jackass. Just like that piece of trash coach you have.


Honestly, the Patriots are easily the most hated team in the league right now. They're a bunch of arrogant sons of bitches with a cheating curmudgeon as a coach. I hope they're happy being abhorred. And seriously, the next time they're running up the score, will someone just fucking take Brady's knees out? So far only the Eagles, Ravens and Colts have even played this team tough. Next time they try their 'running-up-the-score' bullshit, someone please put a helmet right to Brady's fucking kneecap. Let's see what that cunt Beli-dick has to say then.



Billy King is gone!! Thank you god. If you're not a Sixers fan it's hard to understand the ineptitude of King. Check out the Sixers payroll. We're paying Chris Webber and Aaron McKie a combined 26 million to NOT PLAY FOR US!! AI is gone and the draft picks we got in return yielded Thaddeus Young and Jason Smith. Dalembert's making about 11 mil a year thru 2011. We couldn't get Andre Iguodala (easily our best player) to agree to a contract extension. This once proud franchise has become the poster child for awful management and misappropriation. Good riddance Billy King. You suck (almost as much as Ed Wade!)


I love basketball. It's just an excellent sport for home viewing. Maybe even more so than football. With so many people on the field during a football game at once, it's impossible to see what every player is doing during every play. Baseball is just too slow, and hockey is simply too fast for the camera to catch up with (why'd they get rid of that puck tracking thing?). Here then are my Top 5 basketball players as far as viewing enjoyment is concerned:

1) Lebron
People need to stop with the MJ comparisons. They're stupid and unfounded. His game is much more comparable to Magic Johnson's. Lebron's always been a flashy player, but his defensive effort this year is what has made him such a joy to watch. No one in the NBA is playing better. And his team sucks complete ass when you take him out of the mix; he's doing it pretty much by himself. I need to see what he can do every time he touches the ball cause there's a good chance it could be something amazing.

2) Steve Nash
I love the point guard position, and Nash is the best offensive point guard in the game today. Seeing someone play so un-selfishly and with every intent of making his teammates better is the true wish of any real NBA fan. Not to mention his impeccable dribbling ability and utmost preciseness from the free-throw line. Future point guards should be forced to watch tapes of Nash.

3) Allen Iverson
He's older, but he's still the tough-as-nails, cold blooded assassin he's always been. He does some shit every game that makes me jump out of my seat. Just an amazing athlete and a once in a lifetime basketball player. Yeah, I'm biased, but it's my blog... so fuck off.

4) Kobe
He's still a cunt but he's so smooth when he plays, he just makes it look so fucking easy, how can you not admire his game? I expect him to go for 50 every time I watch him play.

5) Chris Paul (narrowly edged out KG, Dirk, Deron Williams and Wade)
He WILL be the best pure point guard in the NBA within 3 years. Just too damn good. He knows what to do to make his team win. He can pass, he can score. Just needs to work on that whole staying healthy thing...


So Scott Rolen wants a trade. What a whiny little bitch. He couldn't cut it in Philly, so he ran away to St. Louis. Things were peachy there, Rolen even won a World Series, but now he wants out of there to. Shut the fuck up and play you stupid primadonna. You're not good enough to be making these kinds of demands. Shut your stupid mouth and play hard. If you can't survive in St. Louis, with 'friendly' mid-western fans, you might wanna consider the Venezuelan league. You fucker.

Okay, I haven't posted anything in ages. Well, between Thanksgiving, being sick, work and being a lazy fuck, I've been busy. I felt like I had to chime in on the Hollywood writer's strike. Being an un-abashed cinephile and TV fan, the strike has directly affected my life. I don't know what do without my daily doses of Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Conan O'Brien. I'm at a loss as to how to fill my time and have mostly filled it by watching copious amounts of porn. This has led to massive chafing. You might be asking yourself 'but i don't understand the strike??' Rather than explain it in my eloquent way, I refer you to this excellent Youtube video:



I have to say that I am equivocally on the side of the writers. I mean, how could I support the giant corporations over the little guy? Are the writers well paid now? Yeah, they really are. But compared to what actors and studios make off their material they're getting shit. Seriously studios - just pay them already! This is only hurting Holywood and the shitty reputation that it's gained amongst the American public. Give them the right to their fucking intellectual property. They're not even asking for anything extravagant. And please, do it quickly; if I'm forced to watch only reality TV for the next few months I may go all OJ on somebody.

Tackling steroids

I look at you, then you me
Hungry and thirsty are we
Holding the lion's share
Holding the key
Holding me back cause I'm striving to be...

Better than you (Better than you)
Better than you (Better than you)

Lock horns I push and I strive
Somehow I feel more alive
Bury the need for it
Bury the seed
Bury me deep where there's no will to be

Better than you (Better than you) ,
Better than you (Better than you)

Oh, can't stop this train from rolling
Oh, no, nothing brings me down
No, I couldn't stop this train from rolling on and on on
No, no, forever holding on...

Metallica - Better Than You

So the most prevalent story in sports is steroid use. At this point, it could come out that Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods are pumped full of roids and I wouldn't be surprised. The thing is, if you're a pro athlete, you have one of the most coveted jobs in the world. There are millions out there that want your job and are only maybe a little less talented than you. You will try and get any competitive advantage you can to keep your job. As athletes age, there just isn't a way for them to compete against younger, stronger individuals. They want to keep their livelihoods just like any of us would. Now I'm not going to condone steroid use (I would never touch the shit), but it is understandable. And seeing as everyone is using steroids, why not say 'fuck it' and just let athletes use them?
Steroids are bad for you. That cannot be argued. But every athlete that uses them knows exactly what they're doing (no matter how many times they use that damn flaxseed oil excuse). They know that in the long term they're going to pay the consequences, and if they're willing to accept what will ultimately happen to their bodies who are we to stop them? Let them do what they want, let steroid use be legal. Instead of secretly doing steroids wouldn't you rather know if your favorite player is shooting up? There will always be a certain contingent of athletes that will refuse to use roids and will play the game clean - and it would be nice to see them getting credit for continuing to play the game clean even if they have other options. You want role models, your non-using athletes will be great examples for kids out there.
This poses two problems however. Number one, it does encourage young people to use steroids. That would be bad. I'm not sure if we even know the full extent of steroids on young people but I cannot imagine it would be anything good. Perhaps, though, when a large percentage of the players they grew up watching start dying off at a young age, people will stop using steroids of their own free-will. If you want to stop steroid use it seems like this sort of self-policing might be the best way to go.
The second problem, and the one you most hear about in baseball, is how this will affect the record books. Steroid use would most likely create inflated stats and upset the traditionalists as their heroes of yester-year are replaced by the young punks of today. My contention, though, is that these records barely mean anything as it is. We try and use statistics as a barometer to compare players across generations, but that comparison will always prove to be nothing more than conjecture. I mean, look at Wilt Chamberlain. He played in an era where players were shorter and didn't life weights. How can you in anyway compare him to Shaq or Olajuwan? What about Babe Ruth - he dominated a league while evidently being a fat fuck and drunk half the time. Put him on a strict diet and fitness regimen, and who knows what he could've done (although maybe his hitting prowess was directly correlated to his fat, sort of like the obese man's Samson). The only way to rate players is against their peers. So the vast majority of sports records simply don't mean that much. Not one sport has not been affected by improvements in technology and training techniques. If you ask most people, they'd still take Aaron or Mays over Barry Bonds any day of the week.
The whole steroid case is putting a damper on sports. Let's not kid ourselves - the majority of athletes are likely using. They're simply too competitive not too. Trying to test them and stop them is a fruitless effort and everyone knows it. There's just too many different things out there and the creators will always be able to stay one step ahead of the testers. So what's the point? Let people use steroids. You know what it can do to you. If you're dumb enough to use don't you deserve what happens to you? Hell, we haven't outlawed cigarettes even thought they're vastly more dangerous to the general populace. Eventually athletes will choose between using steroids and living. If they choose steroids... so be it. At least it'll make for some competitive games.

Who is a true fan?

So I'm at a bar in Albuquerque this week watching the Eagles-Bears game (um, we're not talking about the game) and I met this other kid who's a birds fan. The thing is, he's not from Philly. He has no link to Philly. He's been there once in his life. But yet he's an Eagles fan. I had to ask him why, and his answer was that he's been a fan since the Cunningham days. Sooo basically that's not an answer.
This got me thinking. I don't know if I get anyone just 'becoming' an Eagles fan. They're not a sexy team like the Cowboys, Niners or Steelers. We've never had a period where we were ever the best team in the league. Sad as it is, as a birds fan from birth you're pretty much setting yourself up for a lifetime full of pain. The thing is, if you meet an Eagles fan you can't accuse them of being a front-runner or anything like that cause, well, we have nothing to front run. Any Eagles fan you meet is suffering to a certain extent. But for me, a fan-base is built upon the history of the team and the town. You suffer together as a city and it builds a sort of camaraderie. You pass someone in the street who's wearing your team's jersey and you give them that little nod of solitude, a sign that you are brothers united by your sports team. If you're a Philly sports fan you live in agony not just because the Eagles are struggling this season, but because the city as a whole is in a collective championship drought. This isn't a feeling you can explain. You pretty much have to experience it, and part of being an Eagles fan is knowing, embracing, loving this pain. You just want it to go away. If you didn't live in Philadelphia at any point in your life, can you truly know this feeling? And without experiencing this feeling of ineptitude, can you really say that you're an Eagles fan? It's like being a Red Sox, Cubs or Maple Leaf fan... the pain of losing is part of the mystique of the team; it's why each win and each loss mean so much to us. As much as I love seeing the proverbial 'Eagles nation' spread its wings, it begs asking the question, can these people actually be called "true" Eagles fans?

Thoughts on the Grand Canyon and my weekend

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You dont understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and theyve put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath

Alice in Chains - Down in a Hole

Being only 3 and a half hours from the Grand Canyon, and having never been there, I decided to drive up there this weekend and check it out. Not too bad of a drive, if not a bit boring. There are giant dinosaur statues along Route 40 on the way up there, so at least that made it interesting. When I finally reached the canyon...

It was definitely NOT what I thought it'd be. I guess I was just expecting a cliff with a deep hole that led to the Colorado. What I saw was quite different. I never thought the GC (as I shall now call it) would be as long or as wide. It's impossible to accurately describe the immenseness and vastness of the GC, it's something that really has to be seen in person. There almost seems to be a small mountain range within the actual canyon. It was awe-inspiring to say the least.

My only complaints on the GC are the entrance fee (25 bucks!), which I guess is understandable considering the facilities they have, and the lack of day hikes. The trails are generally too long to complete in a day, so if you want to hike them to the end you gotta pack a tent and spend the night at the bottom of a basin. I wouldn't mind this if I wasn't just going for basically a day-and-a-half by myself. That kinda sucked. But regardless, they got some cool trails with awesome views. I stared into the canyon and muttered 'holy shit' under my breath on several occasions. Just utterly impressive. Ssome of the trails, though, came precariously close to the edge which was a bit un-nerving. One slip and I'm fucked.

Wanna make a killing? Go open a hotel in the GC. All the lodges in the actual park were sold-out and all the hotels right outside were practically booked solid. I ended up having to shell out $200 for a fucking room. If it's this packed during the middle of October (when it's actually pretty cold and windy by the way), I'd HATE to see what this place is like during the summer. There must be no room at all to move.

There were pretty much three demographics present at the GC:
1) Old, retired couples
2) Families with pre-teen children
3) And foreign tourists

I was surprised by the amount of foreign tourists there. I guess I never thought of the GC as this giant foreign tourist attraction. My favorite had to be the hordes of Asian tourists. They were all your stereotypical Asian tourists with cameras around their necks, flashing pictures every few seconds. I couldn't help but chuckle.

Okay, so I got pulled over on the way back (didn't get a ticket though!) and it occurred to me that every single time I've been pulled over it's been at night. Do cops just tend to pull people over more at night? Or do I just not notice them at night so I don't have a chance to stop breaking whatever law it is that I'm breaking at that moment?
I also must note that the cop was cool as hell. He easily could've given me a ticket (especially after it turned out that my license is expired or something, I should probably figure out what's up with that), but he didn't. If it was Texas rather than New Mexico, I can assure you I'd owe someone a fuck load of money right now.

So I got up early to catch the sunrise at the GC, and stayed late the night before to catch sunset, and in all honesty, they might've been a bit disappointing. Maybe I just had un-realistic expectations for what they'd look like. But coming back on 40 near sunset, I saw the best sunset I have very seen. It was incredible. The entire western part of the sky was a fiery yellow, and the eastern sky was a bright purple and pink. Never seen anything like that. Just amazing. Although maybe next time it'd be safer if I just pulled over instead of staring at the horizon through my rear-view.... But if you're ever in the southwest and you wanna see a sweet sunset, head along Route 40.

Nachos - quite possibly the world's best food

I enjoy eating. I'm not fat and I try and watch what I eat, but I do enjoy my food. I LOVE trying new and different foods. That being said, after trying a plethora of foods in my lifetime, I have to say that there is one definitive food that stands head and shoulders above the rest: Nachos.
I know what you're thinking, nachos? Let me explain.
Nachos give you everything you could ever want from a food. They're crunchy, salty, cheesy, spcy, gooey. They can have meat, guacamole, sour cream, chili - the beauty of nachos lying in the fact that you can make them anyway you want them to be. They can be simple (just chips and salsa) or as complex as you can dream. You get calcium with cheese, carbohydrates and grains from the chips, your daily dose of vegetables and vitamin c with guacamole and salsa. Is lasagna good for you like that? I don't fucking think so. Which naturally brings us to salsa. Anything that involves the ULTIMATE condiment gains instant bonus points. Plus salsa is naturally low in fat and high in anti-oxidants.
Nacho servings can be as big or small as you desire. They can be an appetizer or meal unto itself. They're good at ball games, at restaurants, on dates. You truly cannot go wrong with nachos. No other food gives you the opportunity to create your own concoction. And nachos are so simple and easy to make, it's impossible to mess them up! What other food can claim this? Just a truly awesome and complete food. Gives you everything you could want with the exception of sweetness (and all that sugar isn't really good for you anyways!). Nachos should really be its own food group. So this is my humble salute to the greatest of foods - nachos. Never have you steered me wrong when I am hungry you great satiater of appetites. When it's midnight and I need a snack, or the game's on and I need something to nervously munch on, I know you will be there for me. You tell hamburgers to 'suck it' and hot dogs to 'fuck off'. Thank you nachos... for everything.

Thoughts I had While Driving 1000 Miles from Houston to New Mexico

If you ever plan to motor west,
Travel my way take, the highway that's the best.
Get your kicks on Route sixty-six.

Well it winds from Chicago to LA
Over two-thousand miles all the way.
Get your kicks on Route sixty-six.

Now you go through St. Louie, Joplin, Missouri
And Oklahoma City looks mighty pretty.
You'll see Amarillo, Gallup, New Mexico
Flagstaff Arizona, don't forget Winona,
Kingsman, Barstow, San Bernadino

Won't you get hip to this kindly tip
When you make that California trip.
Get your kicks on route sixty-six

Nat King Cole - Route 66

Okay, driving 1000 miles sucks ass. It sucks even more when you're by yourself. Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think. And once again, thank you to whoever invented the ipod. I would have gone absolutely insane without it.

- You know you always see those shows where the family's driving down the highway and bugs splatter on their windshield? Well, that really does happen in real life. And let me just say that splattered bugs are an utter bitch to get off your windshield.

- So what's the deal with ordering Starbucks coffee in Italian or whatever the hell it is? It's small, medium and large, NOT tall, grande and venti. That's bullshit. I refuse to EVER use those terms ordering. Your company's from Seattle you damn pretentious bastards!

- New Mexico is gorgeous and is fun to drive in... for the first hour or so. But then you keep going for three to four more hours and it's flat land and Indian casinos for miles and miles and you just want to get the hell out of your damn car. Quite deceiving.

- Evidently all the cacti are in Arizona.

- I need a fucking GPS thing for my car. I get lost too damn often. It sucks

- Texas is too damned big. You can drive for 10 hours and not get all the way across the street. What the hell? Why should any state be that big?

- So I'm staying on route 66. I guess I had some sort of romanticized notion of the highway in my mind. In reality it's a complete shit-hole full of flea-bag hotels and cheap hotels that runs through the shitty parts of town.

- So I'm in Gallup, New Mexico, evidently the "Indian capital of the world". It's kind of depressing. The poverty is staggering and it's sad to see what has happened to the Native American tribes. Alcoholism is exceedingly prevalent among them. Those that want work often have to resort to casinos or to selling jewelery and artifacts to tourists. The economy of this entire region is solely based on cultural tourism. The problem with this kind of tourism is that the indigenous people of the region always get fucked over. Sad state of affairs.

- Lastly, I started watching Friday Night Lights. Good show (well, at least the first season is good, haven't seen any of the second season). The shows are all online. Watch

End of baseball

The Phillies lost yesterday. Got swept actually. They just didn't have it this post-season. And I'm sure people would expect me to be more upset (maybe I should be), but the fact of the matter is, I'm relatively calm about the loss. There are several reasons why:

1) My enthusiasm for different sports varies. I am fanatical about football. I live and die with it. And though I do enjoy baseball and was extremely excited about us getting into the playoffs, among the four major Philly sports teams the Phillies are my least favorite.

2) I had low expectations for this Phillies team. As much fun as they were to watch, they weren't built for the playoffs. They hit a lot of home runs... which means a lot of strikeouts. We don't really work counts and create runs. We SUCK at small ball. And say what you want, you need patience to survive in the post-season. Add to this the fact that our starting pitching is horribly sub-par and that we only have three relief pitchers that don't make me cringe every time they throw a pitch, and I didn't see us going all that far. Not to mention...

3) We were playing the Rockies. Undoubtedly the hottest team in the league going into the post-season. They've won like 17 of their last 18 or some shit like that. They got hot at the right time. Good for them... bad for us.

4) We were happy to just get in. 14 years without getting into the playoffs will do that for you. Should you ever be happy to 'just get in'? No. But it happens.

5) This Phillies team is young. Rollins, Hamels, Utley and Howard are just entering their primes. This was the first post-season for all four and hopefully it gave them some much needed expereince handling pressure. This will be a big off-season for the team now. We need pitching. Hamels and Kendrick are keepers. What about Moyer? Can he continue to pitch effectively in his mid-40s? What about Garcia and Eaton? Can they come back to be decent or will we add them to the ever-growing list of highly paid free agent busts? Something needs to be done to the bull pen. For the love of all that's holy, please get rid of Jose f'ing Mesa (seriously, I didn't know he was still in the league... I was fucking mortified to see him come out of the bullpen to pitch for us!!).
After pitching, what about the outfield. Burrell had arguably his best year as a pro, but do we bet on him to continue to progress or try and trade him while his value's high (this is, of course, assuming that he is tradeable with that ridiculous contract we gave him.) What do we do with Aaron Rowand? I love this guy and so does the rest of the city, but you know he's gonna be commanding a 10 mil-a-year contract after this season. It's a good free agent center field class, but Rowand is obviously better than Mike Cameron, and after the shit season Andruw Jones had, I'd say he's better than him too. Compare Rowand's numbers to Torii Hunter's. Hunter's are a little better, but Rowand's also 2 years younger. Seeing as you can probably get Rowand for a couple million cheaper, who would you rather have? This all gets complicated by the fact that we have Shane Victorino and Michael Bourn ready to play in the outfield. Something has to give. I for one hope we keep Rowand. Considering we're gonna have to give Howard his money, it's gonna be difficult.
Last of all is what to do with the manager, Charlie Manuel. He has definitely made more than his share of questionable decisions, but he did get us in the playoffs, and, more importantly, the players like him and will play hard for him. I think you have to keep him at this point rather than risk the problems that could arise with a regime change.


All in all, I am in no way disappointed with the Phils season. The playoffs could've gone better, but I didn't think we were beating any team in the AL anyways. For years I've said 'there's always next year', but for once I actually believe it.

The Phillies... and the Eagles

Nobody on the road,
nobody on the beach.
I feel it in the air,
the summers out of reach

Empty lake, empty streets,
the sun goes down alone.
I'm driving by your house
though i know that you not home...

And i can see you
you brown skin shining in the sun
you got your hair combed back
sunglasses on baby

and i can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the boy of summer have gone.

out on the road today
i saw a dead head sticker on a cadillac
a voice inside my head said don't look back
you can never look back

i thought i knew what love was
what did i know
those days are gone for ever
i should just let them go and...

i can see you
your brown skin shining in the sun
you know your walking real slow
smiling at everyone

i can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone.

Don Henley - Boys of Summer

So the Phillies improbably won the national league east after the Mets epic collapse. It's hard to explain what this means to the Phillies fan-base. While Philly is unequivocally a football town, this is mostly due to the zealot Eagles fans. Phillies fans seem to be more widespread across the city, which makes perfect sense. It's a lot more affordable to go to a baseball game than to a football game. Not to mention the fact that there are only 8 home football games per year as opposed to 80 something home baseball game. There is also the history of the Phillies. The damn team is 125 years old (give or take a few years, I don't know the exact number and I'm too lazy at the moment to look it up). In these one-hundred plus years we've won one, yes one, world series. How unbelievable is that? This year we became the first major sports franchise to lose 10,000 games. Hell, the last time we even made the playoffs was in 1993. I was fucking ten then! A history of he Phillies cannot be written without the word 'futility' being used over and over again. The Phillies have been on the cusp of the playoffs the last few years, and this was a team with a lot of exciting, likable players. Philly fans have embraced Rollins (he totally should be MVP), Utley (the best second baseman in the game), Ryan Howard and the uber hard-nosed Aaron Rowand (please, please re-sign him!). For a team that has seen so many hard times and so many overrated, overpaid, or otherwise shitty players, it was good to finally have a team we could get behind. This team has already made Philly smile simply by making the playoffs. Maybe that wouldn't be enough for a team like the Red Sox or the Yankees, but dude, we're the Phillies! We'll take what we can get. If this team manages to even get to the World Series, I promise you, Philly will be chaotic. We have very low expectations for our baseball team. But this team right now, their comeback to win the east, and the way they play the game... they're a true Philly team. Honestly, I don't really remember watching the '93 Phillies, so for me this is basically the first time I have ever seen my baseball team in the playoffs. I am giddy, as I am sure the rest of Philly is. If the Eagles win, there could be riots. If the Phillies win, the city might just turn into a week-long group hug. God I'm excited for the playoffs. Go Phils!

Aaaaand that brings me to the Eagles. After another disappointing loss, I don't know what to say. We played like complete shit. Our O-line was about as strong as a tissue. The Giants had 12 fucking sacks on us!! 6 by one guy! Which begs to ask the question, while Winston Justice (the Eagles lineman, in only his second season, that got utterly destroyed by Umenyiora) was continually being beaten, why wasn't he given extra help? Andy, you're killing me here. Between all the questionable play calls and now this, you have to ask: what's with him. Is he distracted by his kids off-season problems? Is he just losing the team? I mean, this shit is costing us games. The Eagles have their bye week this weekend; they better take it to focus and regroup. We need people to get healthy and the entire team needs to come out re-energized. This is McNabb and Reid's team, and they need to show that they still have it. Losing to divisional opponents is NOT something that we can tolerate. My faith in the birds is beginning to waver. At least I have the Phillies (God, who'd think that I would ever be saying those words??)

Why I Hate the South

I mustve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
Theyre moving into the street.

Now did you read the news today
They say the dangers gone away
But I can see the fires still alight
There burning into the night.

Theres too many men
Too many people
Making too many problems
And not much love to go round
Cant you see
This is a land of confusion.

Genesis - Land of Confusion

After eight months of working and traveling around the south, I feel I can definitively say that I hate this place (it has been pointed out to me that my hatred may only apply to the deep south, but that's a matter of semantics). The south is just not my place. Here is why I hate this place:

1) The Racial Divide
Say what you want, but it's still segregated as hell down here. Different races tend to have their own neighborhoods and racism still abounds. What people wouldn't dream of saying up north due to common decency is throw around here as if it means nothing at all. Just listening to people down here talk (decent people that I've worked with) is rather disheartening. If you are gay or colored or otherwise different from the average white-man down here, there is an inherent bigotry towards you that you will have to overcome

2) Welcome to... 1977?
Seriously, coming to this place is like stepping into a time machine. There aren't Starbucks at every corner (which I'm sure seems great until you're looking for a decent cup of coffee in the morning and all you find is Bubba's discount gas) and the whole region has a sort of innocence to it, like it hasn't been perverted by the hedonism of modern culture. Okay, I guess that's cool and all, but living in the past will only make you aversive to the present. Walking into a bar here and seeing confederate flags everywhere.... I mean, come the fuck on! You guy lost the war (and it's the Civil War, not the War of Northern Aggression you dumbasses) and it's time to realize you're part of this fucking country. Get rid of your damn flags and don't give me that 'it's part of our culture' bullshit. You mean a culture of racism and slavery? It's 2007, time to act like it

3) No Dunkin Donuts
Really, why aren't there any down here? No where else can you get an iced coffee and a croissant breakfast sandwich. I beg of you Dunkin Donuts, the South needs you! And while were at it, I miss Wawa too. They need to start spreading. Can we just replace McDonalds with Wawa? Is anyone against this?

4) The Environment
They don't care about the environment here. My background is in environmental science and I love nature... yeah, this bothers me a tad bit. Try and find a place to recycle here. I dare you. Hunting for sport is commonplace (let's kill animals so I can feel like a real man!), and everyone down here drives a truck. Here's my problem with trucks: economically they make no sense and they're AWFUL for the environment. Now if you need a truck to haul stuff or go off-roading, that's one thing, but how many people are actually using their trucks for that? These things eat gas like a fat man at a buffet. And you have all those Chevy and Ford ads basically telling you that trucks are the 'All-American' vehicle. What a bunch of crap. All these things do is abuse the environment and help to perpetuate American dependency on foreign oil. Every time we buy a truck we make a Saudi prince smile. Someone needs to teach the south what the word 'conservation' means.

5) Neglect of Public Health
The South is fat. Look at this report. It's disgusting. And the thing is, they don't give a fuck. They continue to eat BBQ and fried foods (why is there a need to fry pickles of all things?) and smoke like chimneys. Dude, it doesn't get nearly as cold here as it does up north. Go out and run you fat bastards! Have some self-pride.

6) They drink light beers
Pussys.

7) The Redneck Factor
The Redneck stigma is commonplace in the south, and it almost seems like people down here embrace it. You realize we make fun of you for being a 'redneck', right? Oh, and then they call us 'yankees'. Really? That's an insult? Idiots.

8) The Bible Belt
You see churches every 20 feet here. It's ridiculous. No where else have I seen dry counties and such overt conservatism. The preacher said gays are bad, so they must be. How about thinking for yourself for a fucking change? I have no problem if you wanna be religious, but don't let it control your life and don't let it determine how you're going to judge other people. Granted, if I lived in the south I might have to turn to God just so I wouldn't go insane and kill myself.

9) Learn toTalk
Y'all is NOT a word. Also, please remove the mothballs from your mouth when you speak. Thanks.

I'm ready to get out of the south. Seriously. Some people down here still want to secede? Fuck it, do it. I'm sure I'll just miss Houston sooooo much. The only good things in the south are New Orleans and some of those old settlement sites you find in Virginia (note: there are many, though that may not even consider Virginia to be in the south; note 2: I have heard good things about Nashville and Austin; note 3: I don't consider Florida to be a part of the south, it just seems like its own place; note 4: I'm not counting all the great bands that have come from the south). All the major cities are in the north. Do we even need the south for any reason? I don't. Nuke the place and be done with it. We could then teach evolution in all classrooms, have an actual intelligent president, and make some headway in saving the environment.

The Psyche of the Eagles Fan

love and hate get it wrong :: she cut me right back down to size :: sleep the day let it fade :: who was there to take your place :: no one knows never will :: mostly me mostly you :: what do you say do you do :: when it all comes down :: i don't want to come back down from this :: cloud :: taken me all this time to find out what i :: need :: and i'm doing fine now :: there is no blame only shame :: when you beg you just complain :: more i come more i try :: all police are paranoid :: so am i - so's the future :: so are you - be a creature :: what do you say do you do when it all :: comes down

Bush - Comedown

I'm a little late writing this (should've been here Tuesday) but I've been busy. After a devastating loss to send the Eagles to 0-2, I was in a bad place. So was every other Eagles fan you know. Eagles fans are a peculiar sort that are easily identifiable. They are a select contingent no sane person would want to be part of (likely due to the fact that being an Eagles fan is in itself a case for being placed in a mental institution).
Eagles fans are cynical. We expect Murphy's Law to strike our football team at any instant. And the problem is that every loss leads us to a pit of utmost despair. It will literally ruin our day and make us depressed. When the birds lose, give any Eagles fan you know a hug. They will need it. On the other side, every win is pure, unadulterated elation. It is the happiest moment of our lives, making everything we've invested in the team worthwhile.
Eagles fans are an emotional sort. We wear our feelings on our sleeves... and yell them with our mouths. We will bitch and moan after a loss, and won't shut up about what the Eagles did well after a win. Drunken E-A-G-L-E-S will be heard echoing throughout Philadelphia bars after every victory. Rude? Perhaps. Boorish? Probably. Annoying? Can't really argue that. But so goes the Eagles fan.
Eagles fans care about their players; we will give back to them what they give to us. We are also unforgiving. Insult us, show us you have no heart - and we will be on you like white on rice. Eagles fans are bitter. We are repressed. All we want is to cheer as our team parades down Broad Street, but we are rarely given anything to cheer about. Eagles fans are blue collar, just like this city. We want our team the same way. They better play hard and hit hard. Play hurt and you've earned yourself a loyal fan base for the rest of your life.
The thing about the Eagles fan is they're truly a complicated being. At once passionate, loyal, supportive, jubilant... in the next instant ready to jump off a bridge if our receivers don't stop dropping the fucking ball. Our week is determined by how the birds perform. It is a sad state of affairs, and we are a sad people. We look for a glimmer of hope every year. Talk ourselves into thinking that salvation has finally arrived and that we finally reach the promised land. But with every loss that shining hope gets dimmer and dimmer til there is nothing left. It takes months for the hope to re-brighten, only for the entire process to start all over again. This is the life we live. A constant circle of hope leading to pessimism leading to more hope. Eagles fans are evidently masochistic. We know what we are doing to ourselves, yet we continue. One day the Eagles will be the death of me, undoubtedly. My psyche is fucked. The loss on Monday night to the Redskins just took too much out of me. I could've sworn this was going to be our year. Now I have nothing. I am a sad, empty shell of a being. At least, that is, until we win this weekend. My glimmer of hope hasn't completely faded yet.

3:10 to Yuma/ Stardust

Ziggy played guitar, jamming good with Wierd and Gilly,
The Spiders from Mars.
He played it left hand, but made it too far,
Became the special man, then we were Ziggy's Band.

Ziggy really sang, screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan, he could lick 'em by smiling
He could leave 'me to hang
Came on so loaded man, well hung and snow white tan.

So where were the spiders while the fly tried to break our balls
Just the beer light to guide us,
So we bitched about his fans and should we crush his sweet hands ?

Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were Voodoo
The kids was just crass, he was the naz
With God given ass
He took it all too far but boy could he play guitar.

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust

3:10 to Yuma

So I'm not the biggest western fan. I do enjoy some of Eastwood's early stuff (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More) where he's just a bad-ass motherfucker blowing people away, but for the most part I can't really watch any of those old John Wayne or Gary Cooper flicks. They're too derivative and predictable and bore me to death. When I saw the preview for 3:10 to Yuma, though, it looked like something I might wanna watch. Russell Crowe doesn't just do any movie, and seeing him as the 'bad guy' proved too irresistible for the cinephile within me. So on a lazy Saturday afternoon i went to check out 3:10 to Yuma (with fairly high expectations may I add).
The movies was good. Very good in fact. An excellent story with an equally good script. Not sure where they shot the damn thing, but the backgrounds are mesmerizing, helping to portray the bleak landscape of the 'old west'. Russell Crowe is frickin good (as usual) but it was Christian Bale who, with his performance in 3:10 to Yuma, has shown that he must be taken seriously as an actor. Ben Foster and Peter Fonda add to the excellent supporting cast. Though the style of the movie is definitely a western, complete with the distinctive facial close-ups, it has been modernized, with more blood and violence then you'd ever find in a 50s western.
What makes 3:10 to Yuma different from every other western is Crowe's character, the notorious outlaw Ben Wade. With his gang of bandits, Wade roams the country-side taking what he pleases with an utter ruthlessness. Wade is captured, though, and Bale's Dan Evans, a broke rancher, joins the crew assigned to escort Wade to his train to jail in hopes of a rich reward. It is here that we see the ambiguity in Crowe's character and we face the problem with the movie. For the movie to work you must see Wade as a conflicted outlaw with a good heart that really wants nothing more than to settle down with a woman, and retains his humanity when he sees that Evans would willingly sacrifice his life to give his family a better one. Looking at the movie from this perspective is the ONLY way to explain Crowe's actions. Otherwise you will be left asking yourself 'why the fuck is he doing this?' throughout the movie. And even then, it's hard to comprehend some of Wade's actions. He runs away, he comes back. What the fuck does he want? Is it all some sort of way to test Evans? The beauty of the movie lies in that we are never told Wade's intentions. We are left to ponder them ourselves. Even the very end of the movie leaves us wondering what will happen next. Crowe's Ben Wade may be one of the most complex characters to ever grace the silver screen; a western version of Hamlet if you will. On the other hand, if you don't recognize this complexity in Wade, then the movie is simply disjointed and the actions of Wade are merely nonsenscal and ultimately make no fucking sense. I prefer to think of him as complex. It makes for a more enjoyable film.


Stardust

Stardust was another movie I went into with high expectations. A great cast (DeNiro, Claire Danes, Ricky Gervais, Peter O'Toole, Michelle Pfeiffer and Ian McKellan as narrator) made the movie a must see. After I left the theater, I couldn't help but smile on the drive back home. Just an astounding movie. Pure fun. Directed by Matthew Vaughn (who also directed the excellent Layer Cake), the movie is a fantasy/comedy, like The Princess Bride for a whole new generation. Vaughn does an outstanding job of combining action and suspense with timely comedy, and I can't wait to see what he does with the upcoming Thor movie (it can't be any worse than Ang Lee's Hulk!). The movie is fairly cliche and anyone with a brain can figure out the ending, but who the fuck cares? Maybe I just saw the movie at the right place, at the right time, but I couldn't have been more thrilled with how it finished up. If the movie didn't turn out happy the way I wanted it too, I would've been fucking pissed (and I must explain that I generally hate generic Hollywood endings). Claire Danes is absolutely adorable in the film. I want on you now Claire. And DeNiro playing a cross-dressing pirate is a role for the ages. The special effects abound, and create an air of fantasy that makes one embrace the very essence of the film. The casting and costumes were impeccable. Michelle Pfeiffer as the bad witch helped me to remember that she was still alive. Just an exceptional movie all the way through. A kid movie for adults, if that makes any sense. Well written, well thought out and well acted. Stardust has forced me to move Neil Gaiman's book of the same name to the top of my reading list (though undoubtedly Gaiman's version will be much darker, only hints of which could be seen in the movie). Could the movie have been edgier? Sure. But the campiness was half the fun. Escaping into a pure fantasy-land for an hour and a half was the point, and it certainly did not disappoint. The only problem with the film was in the way it was marketed as a 'date movie.' Fuck that. It should have been marketed to all the comic and sci-fans out there; the movie is a fanboy's dream. Yeah, you could say the movie's about love, but it's also about hope, growing-up, and the utter un-expectedness of life. Word of mouth will spread the excellence of the movie and I would not be surprised to see it gain cult status. But if you were smart, you'd watch it now. More likely than not you'll find yourself jumping aboad the Stardust bandwagon.

Some friendly advice on getting a job

Well, I was born on a sunday; on thursday I had me a job.
I was born on a sunday; by thursday I was workin out on the job.
I aint never had no day off since I learned right from wrong.

Every friday, well, thats when I get paid.
Dont take me on friday, lord, cause thats when I get paid.
Let me die on saturday night, ooh, before sunday gets my head.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - The Working Man

I don't recommend work. After just 8 months on the job, I have come to one undeniable conclusion: WORK SUCKS! No one likes their job. Work makes us tired, depressed and down-right irritable. I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is in bad shape (maybe I should start smoking weed regularly just to calm my nerves). Traveling all the fucking time I'm, simply put, becoming a fat fuck. Not that I don't want to be in shape, but there's either no time or I'm too damned tired. The problem as I see it with work is that we spend 40 hours + at work per week. And that doesn't even include traveling to and from your job site. There's 168 hours in the week. So at the minimum, full-time employees are spending roughly one quarter of their week at work (and for most people that number is much greater). Think about that. This is not right. To quote Rickey Watters, "for who? for what?" Life's too damned short for this, where we spent the best years of our lives stuck at work doing some ultimately meaningless task. How lame is that? If someone told me I had 20 or so years of slogging for some company that under-appreciates and under-utilizes me to look forward to, I would've said 'no fucking thanks.'
Maybe work has brought out the existential part of me, but I got to ask, what's the fucking point? Honestly, if this is all there is, I now understand why people would turn to drugs or alcohol to find a brief solace from life. American Beauty has suddenly become a lot more meaningful and poignant to me. While we're busy working, living the so-called 'American dream', the world is passing us by. I have learned nothing useful at work. All I've learned is that I suck at driving trucks, the deep south is still racist as all hell, and guys from Milwaukee can fucking drink. My brain is slowly atrophying. You know that scene in Billy Madison where Adam Sandler tells the fat stammering kid to "stay in school as long as you can"? I wanna tell that to everyone. College is fun. Cherish living with your friends and just hanging out. After you graduate, society tells us that we have to get a job and join the soulless mass that is the corporate world. When Billy Corgan sang "the world is a vampire," he hit the nail in the motherfucking coffin. Working will suck your soul dry; take away all bastions of creativity and youthful exuberance that you ever had.
I am completely disillusioned. People will tell you to do what you love, but that would mean never going to work. Most of us, though, need the money generated fom working to buy necessary items such as food and shelter. You're fucked if you do work, you're fucked if you don't. I'd be totally for some sort of new world order. I'd be totally for anarchy, but my mistrust in people assures me that it will eventually turn into some form of oligarchy. How about an 'end of Fight Club' scenario? Raze everything and start from scratch? Sounds good to me. Thus far, work is slowly eating away at my soul. Somehow we need to stop the feast.

The power of words

So I'm driving home from working today, flipping through radio stations, when "Fergielicious" comes on. Now this is easily one of the worst songs ever written, but it's like a train wreck. I just can't change the station, I have to keep listening. What really irks me about the song, though, is that Fergie spells tasty T-A-S-T-E-Y. Okay, I get that they needed to do this to make the song work, but bad grammar and poor spelling just piss me off. One of my biggest pet peeves is people mixing up 'your' and 'you're'. It's not that difficult! Try proof-reading for once. Words can be a powerful force upon themselves depending on how you use them. The right word in a sentence can completely change the tone and impact of a piece of writing. That being said, here are words/phrases I like and dislike:

DISLIKE

Crunk - I don't get this word. It's a mix of drunk and something, but, um, what the hell's the other word? And what's wrong with trashed or shit-faced? What a stupid word.

Guesstimate - look, you guess or you estimate. There is no fucking reason for these two words to be put together

Titty Bar - strip club sounds much more sophisticated (and makes me feel like less of a pervert)

Urine - just an ugly word. I prefer piss

Gesticulate - sounds too much like testicle

Rubber - when it is used as an euphemism for condom. Just bothers me for some reason

Tinkle - are you five?

Potty - ditto

Buttocks - I think only moms can say this word without it sounding really awkward


LIKE

Nemesis - a frickin cool sounding word that also inevitably brings back memories of the awesome nemesis enforcer

Extrapolate - it just rolls off the tongue

Pretentious - you sound all important when you say it (kind of ironic when you think of it)

Cougar - just a vivid word

Boob - they're awesome and boob spelled backwards is boob

Sardonic - kinda sounds like sardine

Uber - like mega, but German

Romp - has several meanings

Callous - it can mean evil as well as something that solidifies over a cut. Sweet deal

Jiggle - creates some fantastic images

I'm addicted to football

please tell me why
The car is in the front yard and I'm
sleeping with my clothes on
came in through the window last night
and you're gone
It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy
cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
a smoke alarm is going off and there's a cigarette
still burning

Lit - My Own Worst Enemy

So it's football season, and of course I'm excited as balls. But I have to ask myself: why? Football season ensures that I will be anxious and nervous until the super bowl. My moods on Mondays (and next Tuesday) will be determined by the previous day's Eagles game. We had one of the worst losses EVER yesterday, and I've been in a foul mood all day (probably didn't help that my computer's being a little cunt today). Honestly, how do we lose that game? Favre played like the 85-year-old he is. Our defense was dominant. Green Bay's offense did precisely shit. Yet our offense was anemic, McNabb was not his best, and the play calling was suspect at best. Despite all that, we lost because of two (fucking two!) fumbled punts. Never have I seen that in my life. And I just happened to be sitting between Packer fans at the bar. Just perfect.
One day football will undoubtedly kill me. I do not doubt this. When the Eagles lose, I'm crushed. When they win, I don't feel elation, but rather relief. And yet I can't walk away from the games. It's like fuckin heroin. I crave it, even though I know it's bad for me. I mean c'mon, it's not like I'm cheering for the Colts or the Pats. As much as I love the Eagles, they're gonna need a hell of a season to reach the super bowl, let alone win the damn thing. In my lifetime, they've won precisely zero titles. So I'd have to be insane to still cheer for them, right? Insane to give them everything I have emotionally and mentally for the next four months. And yet it's not even a question if I'll continue to root for the birds. Of course I fucking will. Is it smart? Rational? Sensible? To devote that much to one cause where the odds point to you being disappointed?? It's nuts! But yet, I'm no where near alone. As much as I live and die with the Eagles, I'd be hard-pressed to say that I'm their biggest fan. I'm sure there's some people out there more hardcore than me. And I feel for them, I really do. We all need serious help. It's like walking across a set of railroad tracks knowing that you're gonna get creamed by a freight train. I feel like Nancy Kerrigan, all I want to know is: why??

Superbad is superawesome

Well I don't care about history
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
'Cause that's not where I wanna be
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
I just wanna have some kicks
I just wanna get some chicks
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school

Well the girls out there knock me out, you know
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
Cruisin' around in my GTO
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
I hate the teachers and the principal
Don't wanna be taught to be no fool
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school

The Ramones - Rock N' Roll High School

So I meant to write about Superbad after I saw it opening day, but one thing led to another, I got distracted, got busy, whatever. The time, though, has come for me to have my say.
If you haven't seen this movie, you SUCK. Seriously. One of the best fucking movies ever. The best comedy I have EVER seen in a theater (even beating Borat, which I absolutely loved). I had high expectations for the movie based on Apatow and Rogen's involvement with it, and these were not only met, but completely blown out of the water. I even saw Superbad twice in theaters. To put that in perspective, the only other movie I've seen twice in theaters was Gladiator.
Now what makes Superbad better than all the other coming-of-age teen high-school romps? What makes it better than American Pie, Better Off Dead, and The Breakfast Club? Well the beauty of Superbad lies in its realism. One of the most true-to-life scripts you'll ever hear. That's fucking how people talk! That is how guys talk! They didn't try to make the movie some sort of existential period piece. This is not a David Lynch piece. They went for realism (um minus the cops). If I'm out with my friends, that's how we would interact. The awkward situations were done brilliantly. I could see either me or someone I know getting into situations from the movie. But what really added to the realism of the movie were the drunk scenes. Being a fan of alcohol, I know how I act when I'm drunk. I feel like I know how other people act. And Martha MacIsaac's portrayal of a drunken Becca was one of the most realistic cinematic scenes I have ever seen. I can see every girl I know being drunk enough to act like that. That's how drunks girls behave!! Superbad is brilliant because of it's simplicity and it's honesty. It doesn't try to be moralistic or deliver some sort of conceited message about life. It's about kids in high school that are on their way to college and are looking to get laid; exactly what every kid entering college is looking to do. Seth and Evan are young, they don't get women, and they're horny as fuck. Hmm maybe there is a message in there after all.
Just go see Superbad. An amazingly fun movie. You'll leave smiling and wanting a beer (albeit a bit nostalgic for high school and college). And I can't even get into McLovin. One of the top five characters of all time (up there with Tony Montana, the Terminator and James Bond). He stole pretty much every scene he was in, and the sex scene at the end that leads to the donut scene is just classic. What a great movie. And lastly, dibs on Becca.

On money

Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and your O.K.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team
Money get back
I'm all right Jack keep your hands off my stack.
Money it's a hit
Don't give me that do goody good bullshit
I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a Lear jet
Money it's a crime
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie
Money so they say
Is the root of all evil today
But if you ask for a rise it's no surprise that they're
giving none away

Pink Floyd - Money

So after being in the work force for roughly 8 months, I have learned one infallible truth: it's all about money. Everything is. No one does anything that's not monetarily related. Yeah, it sounds cynical, but to think anything else is simply naive. So lots of people want to help others and become doctors. Would this profession be so appealing, though, if the salaries weren't so high? And lots of people want to save the environment.... but don't think for one second Al Gore isn't making a killing off the whole global warming phenomenon, either direct or indirectly. It saddens me that money has managed to wiggle its fingers into every aspect of life. It decides what we see, what we learn. When you think about it, the only purpose of ANY TV show not on a premium channel is to sell advertisements. No one makes a show for the sake of art. Even art itself is only made to create money. What's so great about being a musician? To quote Dire Straits, "your money for nothing and your chicks for free."
Now I support capitalism and a free economy, but where does it stop? Nothing is sacred anymore. Cartoons are created to sell toys to kids. Movies created to sell products. Churches built to be nothing more than cash-cows. And as we become a world of corporations, and we see how powerful lobby's are affecting our policies, is it not inevitable that we become not a country of the people, by the people and for the people, but rather a country of the corporation. Is it too late to tear down the economy and create an anarchic utopia where we rely on each other and the goodness of humanity? Perhaps not too late, but the better question is will that even work. I doubt it. One greedy individual would send the entire complex tumbling down, and, for humans, there are few emotions as powerful as greed. Greed is what drives our society. Do people really need 20 million and a yacht to live comfortably? Giving even half of what they have to the less fortunate would no doubt make the world a better place. But in the end it comes down to the fact that we value money more than the life of some miniscule human being that we don't even know. We are a materialistic society, and materials require money. This mindset is likely impossible to change. I can't honestly say I don't want money. It lets me buy stuff. Would it be better for the world if I spent my 20 bucks on food for the poor rather than the Blades of Glory DVD? Well of course... but then how am I going to indulge myself? Whoever said 'money isn't everything' probably just didn't have any.

A few tiny thoughts

After watching Real Sports this week, I decided I'm highly against dog fighting. That shit is FUCKED UP. Anyone whos takes part in it should be flogged.

You know what else is fucked up? People messing with other peoples cars! Sooo someone decided it'd be fun to mess with my tires. Hey, whoever you are, FUCK YOU! You're a worthless piece of shit and I would gladly beat you with a crow-bar if I knew who you were. Fucker


Dear everyone in the south,

learn to fucking drive!!

Sincerely,
Me


So Bonds finally broke Aaron's record. What ya gonna do? It was bound to happen. Did he do steroids? Yeah, probably. But in his defense, baseball never made steroids illegal. That's their damn fault. What still bothers me is that the man sounds like he's 12.

Someone needs to tell all those people with confederate flags that the civil war's over. Thanks.


Football season's starting!! Thank you god.

I love Erin Andrews

For several years one of the most common discussions I had among friends was which actress from 7th Heaven was hotter: Jessica Biel or Beverley Mitchell. After I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, i think we can definitively say that Biel has won the battle. Mitchell, meanwhile, was last seen in Saw II. Clearly Cinemax lies ahead. And I, for one, am excited.

On the Vick saga

Halls of Justice Painted Green
Money Talking
Power Wolves Beset Your Door
Hear Them Stalking
Soon You'll Please Their Appetite
They Devour
Hammer of Justice Crushes You
Overpower

The Ultimate in Vanity
Exploiting Their Supremacy
I Can't Believe the Things You Say
I Can't Believe
I Can't Believe the Price You Pay
Nothing Can Save You

Justice Is Lost
Justice Is Raped
Justice Is Gone
Pulling Your Strings
Justice Is Done
Seeking No Truth
Winning Is All
Find it So Grim
So True
So Real

Metallica - ...And Justice for All

Pacman Jones got in a brawl at a strip club -probably not the best of ideas, but he'll be forgiven. Tank Johnson had enough guns in his house to storm the Vatican - we forgave him, and didn't even raise a fuss when he was allowed to play in the Superbowl. Iverson kicked his naked wife out of his house - and we forgave him (everyone's wanted to just kick their woman out of the house some time or the other, right? Right?). Jamaal Lewis served time in prison for helping to set-up a cocaine sale - and he was forgiven. Then we get to Ray Lewis - the man was implicated in someone's stabbing. The dude died for crying out loud! - yet we forgave him. But lastly is Mr. Michael Vick. He made the mistake of messing with dogs - and he will NEVER be forgiven.
America's an affluent countr, so we have the luxury of doling on our pets, specifically our cats and dogs. They become our companions and part of our family. Shit, the last time I cried was when my dog died. Our pets need us to live, so they are always there. You don't have to deal with rivalries or jealousy or greed or any of the other petty things that make human-to-human relationships so damn difficult. With the amount people work in this country, often human to animal relationships are the only ones we have time for, sadly enough. So when someone hurts our beloved animals, well it raises the ire of the nation.
With the amount of murders and other tragedies in this country, it seems like we're almost desensitized to these things. You don't see a People for the Ethical Treatment of People. Animals are seen as small and defenseless, and so they will always be a sympathetic figure. As much as I love animals, PETA just seems insane to me sometimes. Seriously, get a fucking job! But anytime there is even the slightest hint of animal cruelty, there is PETA, ready to fight on behalf of the tiny creatures that can't speak for themselves.
So whether Vick was personally involved with the dog fights or not, he's fucked. I mean, let's suppose he wasn't directly involved, I find it hard to believe that he had no clue what was happening on his property. He didn't notice the charge for twenty dog kennels on his credit card bill? Even if we give Vick the benefit of the doubt, the man is fucked. His reputation has been sullied beyond repair. Athletes, especially African-American athletes, are placed under a degree of scrutiny not felt by any other public figures. Politicians, musicians and actors always seem to be able to get away with what athletes are crucified for. Athletes are seen as being pampered and coddled and overpaid for playing a child's game. Their salaries are directly based on our, the fans, attendance of their events, and all we ask in return is that they be model citizens. It seems rather hypocritical that while selling drugs will give a rapper "legitimacy," it would serve only to vilify an athlete, but life is intrinsically not fair. While the majority of athletes are not only modern citizens, but go above and beyond that, giving much back to their communities, it is the few that take part in less honorable behaviors that always seem to garner national attention, which is truly a shame.
I've never been the biggest Vick fan, always felt he's been highly overrated and I just never bought the hype, but I kinda have to feel for the man. He's been named guilty by the general public before he's even been given a fair trial. Is some of this his own doing? Undoubtedly. Dog fighting charges don't just come out of nowhere. But the man is being publicly hung (not to mention the fact that the ugly racial divide in this country is once again rearing its head). A black athlete involved in dog fighting? Sorry Mike, but you're fucked. Your endorsements, your appeal, your overall celebrity... say goodbye to it. It's done, over. Good luck Vick, you're gonna need it. Next time maybe just kick a baby. No one likes them.