So as Christmas approached I felt I had to make a list of the stupidest songs ever. Now these aren't necessarily the worst songs ever made, simply the stupidest. Either for reasons relating to music or to lyrics, these songs hurt my brain. Out of necessity I have left out cover songs (alas that means doing without Britney's version of "Can't Get No (Satisfaction)") and limited myself to only one country song. So without further ado, here is some of the most retarded songs ever made
5) Kidrock - "So Hott" (narrowly edging out "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry)
First off you have Kidrock trying to be all pimp and suave when he hasn't released a meaningful song in about eight years and his biggest claim to fame was sleeping with the walking STD that is Pamela Anderson. Then you have the lyrics to this atrocious piece of shit, and I quote:
"You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex."
Huh? Okay, I could see this song being good in a strip club, but at this point in his career, Kidrock releasing something as ridiculously bad as this track would be akin to Jordan coming back and challenging Kobe to a game of one-on-one. You had your 15 minutes, you made some money, got laid a whole bunch, but give it up man. It's time to crawl back to the trailer park from whence you came.
4) Fergie - "Fergalicious" (narrowly edging out Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend", Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind", and Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps")
You named the song after yourself. This is irrationally dumb! Bad Company tried it out too, but you know what? They actually have talent you stupid bimbo whore! Which such gems as
"Fergalicious
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious
I blow kisses
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got"
and
"I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness"
The song truly makes you stupider every time you hear it. She spells out delicious! Not to mention the fact that she spells tasty "tastEy". You dumb slut. At least learn to fucking spell if you're gonna force us to listen to this awful shit.
3) Craig Morgan - "International Harvester" (narrowly beating out "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" Trace Adkins
It's a song about being a hey farmer. Seriously? Fuck you middle America! It's a shitty job and this is a stupid song. With insightful lyrics like this:
"Well you may be on a state paved road
But that blacktop runs through my payload
Excuse me for tryin’ to do my job
But this year ain’t been no bumper crop
If you don’t like the way I’m a drivin’
Get back on the interstate
Otherwise sit tight and be nice
And quit yer honkin’ at me that way"
I truly feel like driving to a farm and punching whoever answers the door right in the face. How about you get your slow, piece of shit tractor of the fucking road? And maybe next time learn to read and you won't have to haul wheat for a living. Dumbass.
2) Jennifer Love Hewitt "Let's Go Bang" (narrowly trumping anything by Jamie Lynn Sigler)
Sooo you're gonna call a JLH song "Let's Go Bang" and not expect people to take it the wrong way? That's some shrewd thinking there. So bad I couldn't even find a copy of the piece of shit. Perhaps these lyrics will suffice:
"Before the groove hits
The move you want it to
And Uncle Funk wants
It over tonight
So, just dance along to
Wherever they take you tonight
You just bang it all up and out
Bang it all on time"
1) Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmas Time"
The stupidest song ever made and it's not even close. Honestly Sir Paul? After all the amazing Beatles songs and more than adequate stuff with Wings you give us this? I can't even call it music. To go along with the incessant sleigh bells and 80's synth riff, McCartney recites the most uninspired lyrics of his life. I mean, the refrain "ding dong, ding dong" is repeated several times throughout the song. Why? Just why?? Every Christmas I hear this song and all I can think about is how impeccably bad it is. It makes me want to push Santa Claus off a roof and punt some starving African kids. Despite all McCartney has done for music this will always hang over his head like a cloud of shame. Molesting a child would have tarnished your reputation less than this horrid plague upon mankind. What the fuck were you thinking? God I hope you were high on shrooms when you created this tremendous turd.
Okay, that's my list. Obviously it's not complete. There are tons of other ridiculously stupid creations that people call 'songs' out there. The lesson, as always, you don't need to be smart to be in the music industry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen to "Wonderful Christmas Time" for the final time until next December. And after that I think I'll go ride a unicycle into traffic.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Fuck You Hollywood
So a couple months ago I first saw a trailer for The Golden Compass. Between cool looking special effects, flying witches, talking bears and an image of being anti-church, I was intrigued. Being who I am, I had to pick up the book before I saw the movie. Once I started reading it, I was hooked. Pullman is an excellent story-teller with an ability to make his characters feel real to his readers. I loved the book and consumed it rapidly. As the movie neared my excitement for it grew. The book would be an easy movie to make I thought. One problem with a lot of movies is how to transfer a character's thoughts to the screen, but with pretty much every character having an outwards soul in the form of a daemon, that problem would be solved. Seeing the early reviews I was a bit dismayed, but I figured reviewers were simply being overly-harsh as usual. When I left the theater, however, all I felt was anger at whoever butchered what was a great book.
The main overall problem with the film adaptation of The Golden Compass was that they tried to make the movie for 'kids'. This led to 1) much of the death being taken out of the movie, 2) all references to the 'church' or 'god' being taken out of the movie, and 3) the movie being reduced to a ridiculous 2 hour running time. Let's look at these issues more closely, shall we?
While there was death in the battle scenes, other episodes of death were taken out or changed. First off, the characters of Billy Costa and Tony Makarios are combined into one in the movie, which I would've been fine with if Billy dies when he loses his daemon (as Tony does in the book). But noooo, they have Billy survive. Evidently having a child die would be too dramatic for the 'kid' audience. Then they go and change Iorek Byrnison's back-story. In the book he is exiled for killing another bear, in the movie he is exiled for losing in battle. That compromises his entire character! Which leads to Iofur Ratkinson. Not only is his name changed for some fucking reason (I can only assume this is done so little kids don't confuse two bears with 'I' names) but they changed the question he asks Lyra to prove she's a daemon. In the book he asks her what the first thing he killed was, which happened to be his dad, while in the movie he simply asks her something stupid. Again, the true nature of the character is compromised to make the movie more palatable for kids.
Say what you want, but there is a definite anti-religion undertone in The Dark Materials trilogy. I mean the bad guys work for the 'church!' I wouldn't say the books are atheistic, but rather a warning against the abuses of religious power. This is a main theme of the book. In the movie, however, no reference is made to the church or god at all, but rather the enemies are referred to as the 'Magisterium'. Really? This would be like making an X-men movie and calling Magneto 'metal controller'. This is absolutely ridiculous. Oh no! We can't offend the religious right! Give me a break. These are the same people that get offended by two girls kissing. Fuck them. If they're offended have them actually read the damn book instead of just bitching. How can you just remove the whole religion aspect from the movie? How can you change a whole theme of the book and change who the antagonists are? Total bullshit.
Kids can't sit still for a long period of time, so the creators of The Golden Compass obviously felt like they had to keep the movie to a two hour running time. There is no way you can turn a book the size of The Golden Compass into a two hour movie without destroying the integrity of the book. There was absolutely no character development, when one of the key points of the book is the growth of Lyra. All the scenes seemed rushed and everything was simply explained to you rather than shown. That is NOT how you make a movie! It felt like I was watching a 2 hour movie trailer. The movie was simplified and shortened for kids, along with a dumbed down script, which simply made the movie a series of disconnected scenes that are almost impossible to follow.
There were other major problems with the film. They totally took out the witch's consul and replaced it with the scene with Serafina Pekkala on the ship, which I would've been cool with but that scene just felt forced (Eva Green though? That's some awesome casting). The witches just sort of appear. They were cool and all, but what the hell? And where's Kaisha? I was excited to see him, and then he doesn't even appear. And how about explaining some of the Gyptian and Ma Costa's relationship with Lyra? Oh right, character development isn't allowed.
Chronology-wise, they had the battle at Svalbord before the siege of Bolvangar. Why? What is the point of that? And what about the freeing of the daemons?
This leads directly to the ending... or the lack thereof. In the book they go directly from Svalbord to free Lord Asriel. Seeing as they completely changed this part of the book for the movie, exactly how did they intend to transition into the ending from the book? Seeing as I highly doubt the movie will be profitable so we likely won't see a sequel, I guess it's a moot point.
So evidently the studio wanted to make a new Lord of the Rings-esque trilogy, but I don't fucking think so. Peter Jackson's adaptation of Tolkien's books were a labor of love and weren't made for the 'tiny ones'. The movies worked because Jackson took his time with the characters and, for the most part, followed the book. The Golden Compass, on the other hand, was a total cop-out. It was a way for the studios to get kids who've never even heard of the book go watch a movie cause it had bears fighting. If you're not going to spend the time to make the movie well, then why make it at all? Did they really think this thing was good? Why not bring in some fans of the book for their opinions? After all, they're the ones who'll go see the movie multiple times and spread it by word of mouth. I've lost a lot of faith in Hollywood. I Am Legend comes out next weekend. Ruin that too, and my faith may be extinguished for good. Fuck you Hollywood.
The main overall problem with the film adaptation of The Golden Compass was that they tried to make the movie for 'kids'. This led to 1) much of the death being taken out of the movie, 2) all references to the 'church' or 'god' being taken out of the movie, and 3) the movie being reduced to a ridiculous 2 hour running time. Let's look at these issues more closely, shall we?
While there was death in the battle scenes, other episodes of death were taken out or changed. First off, the characters of Billy Costa and Tony Makarios are combined into one in the movie, which I would've been fine with if Billy dies when he loses his daemon (as Tony does in the book). But noooo, they have Billy survive. Evidently having a child die would be too dramatic for the 'kid' audience. Then they go and change Iorek Byrnison's back-story. In the book he is exiled for killing another bear, in the movie he is exiled for losing in battle. That compromises his entire character! Which leads to Iofur Ratkinson. Not only is his name changed for some fucking reason (I can only assume this is done so little kids don't confuse two bears with 'I' names) but they changed the question he asks Lyra to prove she's a daemon. In the book he asks her what the first thing he killed was, which happened to be his dad, while in the movie he simply asks her something stupid. Again, the true nature of the character is compromised to make the movie more palatable for kids.
Say what you want, but there is a definite anti-religion undertone in The Dark Materials trilogy. I mean the bad guys work for the 'church!' I wouldn't say the books are atheistic, but rather a warning against the abuses of religious power. This is a main theme of the book. In the movie, however, no reference is made to the church or god at all, but rather the enemies are referred to as the 'Magisterium'. Really? This would be like making an X-men movie and calling Magneto 'metal controller'. This is absolutely ridiculous. Oh no! We can't offend the religious right! Give me a break. These are the same people that get offended by two girls kissing. Fuck them. If they're offended have them actually read the damn book instead of just bitching. How can you just remove the whole religion aspect from the movie? How can you change a whole theme of the book and change who the antagonists are? Total bullshit.
Kids can't sit still for a long period of time, so the creators of The Golden Compass obviously felt like they had to keep the movie to a two hour running time. There is no way you can turn a book the size of The Golden Compass into a two hour movie without destroying the integrity of the book. There was absolutely no character development, when one of the key points of the book is the growth of Lyra. All the scenes seemed rushed and everything was simply explained to you rather than shown. That is NOT how you make a movie! It felt like I was watching a 2 hour movie trailer. The movie was simplified and shortened for kids, along with a dumbed down script, which simply made the movie a series of disconnected scenes that are almost impossible to follow.
There were other major problems with the film. They totally took out the witch's consul and replaced it with the scene with Serafina Pekkala on the ship, which I would've been cool with but that scene just felt forced (Eva Green though? That's some awesome casting). The witches just sort of appear. They were cool and all, but what the hell? And where's Kaisha? I was excited to see him, and then he doesn't even appear. And how about explaining some of the Gyptian and Ma Costa's relationship with Lyra? Oh right, character development isn't allowed.
Chronology-wise, they had the battle at Svalbord before the siege of Bolvangar. Why? What is the point of that? And what about the freeing of the daemons?
This leads directly to the ending... or the lack thereof. In the book they go directly from Svalbord to free Lord Asriel. Seeing as they completely changed this part of the book for the movie, exactly how did they intend to transition into the ending from the book? Seeing as I highly doubt the movie will be profitable so we likely won't see a sequel, I guess it's a moot point.
So evidently the studio wanted to make a new Lord of the Rings-esque trilogy, but I don't fucking think so. Peter Jackson's adaptation of Tolkien's books were a labor of love and weren't made for the 'tiny ones'. The movies worked because Jackson took his time with the characters and, for the most part, followed the book. The Golden Compass, on the other hand, was a total cop-out. It was a way for the studios to get kids who've never even heard of the book go watch a movie cause it had bears fighting. If you're not going to spend the time to make the movie well, then why make it at all? Did they really think this thing was good? Why not bring in some fans of the book for their opinions? After all, they're the ones who'll go see the movie multiple times and spread it by word of mouth. I've lost a lot of faith in Hollywood. I Am Legend comes out next weekend. Ruin that too, and my faith may be extinguished for good. Fuck you Hollywood.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Some sports related thoughts
First off, fuck the Pats. I'm fucking sick of them. I honestly don't think I've ever hated a team this much. Maybe the Yankees of the late 90's and early 2000's, but they had people like Torre, Jeter, Rivera and Posada you couldn't help but respect. Maybe the Shaq-Kobe Lakers, but ultimately I think that was just a 'me hating Kobe' thing. But the 2007 Pariots have absolutely no redeeming qualities. Let's make a convenient list:
1) Their coach, Bill Belichick, is a complete and utter douche. He treats the media and opposing coaches like dirt. Then there's being caught cheating (yeah I'm sure everyone does it, but they haven't been caught!) Due to everyone now, sorta, half-questioning the validity of the Pats last three Superbowl victories, Beli-dick has taken it upon himself to completely ruin whatever was left of sportsmanship in the NFL and unnecessarily run up scores. I mean, to soundly beat your opponent is one thing, but to go out of your way to humiliate them is something different altogether. There's no reason to throw on 4th and 1 with a four touchdown lead with a minute left in the game.
2) Tom Brady's too lucky. Three superbowl titles, tons of money, and Gisele? That's bullshit. I hope a baby grand piano falls on him (only injuring him as I would not wish death on anyone...yet).
3) I draft Randy Moss for my fantasy team last year and he does precisely shit cause he doesn't feel motivated enough to play for the Raiders. Now he's having a receiving year for the ages. Fuck you Randy Moss, you little bitch.
4) The Pats are so god-damned cocky and smug. Listen to the fuckers talk! Jabar Gaffney mocks the Eagles after scoring a touchdown. Really? Jabar motherfucking Gaffney? Who the fuck are you? And way to show some class by the way. Jackass. Just like that piece of trash coach you have.
Honestly, the Patriots are easily the most hated team in the league right now. They're a bunch of arrogant sons of bitches with a cheating curmudgeon as a coach. I hope they're happy being abhorred. And seriously, the next time they're running up the score, will someone just fucking take Brady's knees out? So far only the Eagles, Ravens and Colts have even played this team tough. Next time they try their 'running-up-the-score' bullshit, someone please put a helmet right to Brady's fucking kneecap. Let's see what that cunt Beli-dick has to say then.
Billy King is gone!! Thank you god. If you're not a Sixers fan it's hard to understand the ineptitude of King. Check out the Sixers payroll. We're paying Chris Webber and Aaron McKie a combined 26 million to NOT PLAY FOR US!! AI is gone and the draft picks we got in return yielded Thaddeus Young and Jason Smith. Dalembert's making about 11 mil a year thru 2011. We couldn't get Andre Iguodala (easily our best player) to agree to a contract extension. This once proud franchise has become the poster child for awful management and misappropriation. Good riddance Billy King. You suck (almost as much as Ed Wade!)
I love basketball. It's just an excellent sport for home viewing. Maybe even more so than football. With so many people on the field during a football game at once, it's impossible to see what every player is doing during every play. Baseball is just too slow, and hockey is simply too fast for the camera to catch up with (why'd they get rid of that puck tracking thing?). Here then are my Top 5 basketball players as far as viewing enjoyment is concerned:
1) Lebron
People need to stop with the MJ comparisons. They're stupid and unfounded. His game is much more comparable to Magic Johnson's. Lebron's always been a flashy player, but his defensive effort this year is what has made him such a joy to watch. No one in the NBA is playing better. And his team sucks complete ass when you take him out of the mix; he's doing it pretty much by himself. I need to see what he can do every time he touches the ball cause there's a good chance it could be something amazing.
2) Steve Nash
I love the point guard position, and Nash is the best offensive point guard in the game today. Seeing someone play so un-selfishly and with every intent of making his teammates better is the true wish of any real NBA fan. Not to mention his impeccable dribbling ability and utmost preciseness from the free-throw line. Future point guards should be forced to watch tapes of Nash.
3) Allen Iverson
He's older, but he's still the tough-as-nails, cold blooded assassin he's always been. He does some shit every game that makes me jump out of my seat. Just an amazing athlete and a once in a lifetime basketball player. Yeah, I'm biased, but it's my blog... so fuck off.
4) Kobe
He's still a cunt but he's so smooth when he plays, he just makes it look so fucking easy, how can you not admire his game? I expect him to go for 50 every time I watch him play.
5) Chris Paul (narrowly edged out KG, Dirk, Deron Williams and Wade)
He WILL be the best pure point guard in the NBA within 3 years. Just too damn good. He knows what to do to make his team win. He can pass, he can score. Just needs to work on that whole staying healthy thing...
So Scott Rolen wants a trade. What a whiny little bitch. He couldn't cut it in Philly, so he ran away to St. Louis. Things were peachy there, Rolen even won a World Series, but now he wants out of there to. Shut the fuck up and play you stupid primadonna. You're not good enough to be making these kinds of demands. Shut your stupid mouth and play hard. If you can't survive in St. Louis, with 'friendly' mid-western fans, you might wanna consider the Venezuelan league. You fucker.
1) Their coach, Bill Belichick, is a complete and utter douche. He treats the media and opposing coaches like dirt. Then there's being caught cheating (yeah I'm sure everyone does it, but they haven't been caught!) Due to everyone now, sorta, half-questioning the validity of the Pats last three Superbowl victories, Beli-dick has taken it upon himself to completely ruin whatever was left of sportsmanship in the NFL and unnecessarily run up scores. I mean, to soundly beat your opponent is one thing, but to go out of your way to humiliate them is something different altogether. There's no reason to throw on 4th and 1 with a four touchdown lead with a minute left in the game.
2) Tom Brady's too lucky. Three superbowl titles, tons of money, and Gisele? That's bullshit. I hope a baby grand piano falls on him (only injuring him as I would not wish death on anyone...yet).
3) I draft Randy Moss for my fantasy team last year and he does precisely shit cause he doesn't feel motivated enough to play for the Raiders. Now he's having a receiving year for the ages. Fuck you Randy Moss, you little bitch.
4) The Pats are so god-damned cocky and smug. Listen to the fuckers talk! Jabar Gaffney mocks the Eagles after scoring a touchdown. Really? Jabar motherfucking Gaffney? Who the fuck are you? And way to show some class by the way. Jackass. Just like that piece of trash coach you have.
Honestly, the Patriots are easily the most hated team in the league right now. They're a bunch of arrogant sons of bitches with a cheating curmudgeon as a coach. I hope they're happy being abhorred. And seriously, the next time they're running up the score, will someone just fucking take Brady's knees out? So far only the Eagles, Ravens and Colts have even played this team tough. Next time they try their 'running-up-the-score' bullshit, someone please put a helmet right to Brady's fucking kneecap. Let's see what that cunt Beli-dick has to say then.
Billy King is gone!! Thank you god. If you're not a Sixers fan it's hard to understand the ineptitude of King. Check out the Sixers payroll. We're paying Chris Webber and Aaron McKie a combined 26 million to NOT PLAY FOR US!! AI is gone and the draft picks we got in return yielded Thaddeus Young and Jason Smith. Dalembert's making about 11 mil a year thru 2011. We couldn't get Andre Iguodala (easily our best player) to agree to a contract extension. This once proud franchise has become the poster child for awful management and misappropriation. Good riddance Billy King. You suck (almost as much as Ed Wade!)
I love basketball. It's just an excellent sport for home viewing. Maybe even more so than football. With so many people on the field during a football game at once, it's impossible to see what every player is doing during every play. Baseball is just too slow, and hockey is simply too fast for the camera to catch up with (why'd they get rid of that puck tracking thing?). Here then are my Top 5 basketball players as far as viewing enjoyment is concerned:
1) Lebron
People need to stop with the MJ comparisons. They're stupid and unfounded. His game is much more comparable to Magic Johnson's. Lebron's always been a flashy player, but his defensive effort this year is what has made him such a joy to watch. No one in the NBA is playing better. And his team sucks complete ass when you take him out of the mix; he's doing it pretty much by himself. I need to see what he can do every time he touches the ball cause there's a good chance it could be something amazing.
2) Steve Nash
I love the point guard position, and Nash is the best offensive point guard in the game today. Seeing someone play so un-selfishly and with every intent of making his teammates better is the true wish of any real NBA fan. Not to mention his impeccable dribbling ability and utmost preciseness from the free-throw line. Future point guards should be forced to watch tapes of Nash.
3) Allen Iverson
He's older, but he's still the tough-as-nails, cold blooded assassin he's always been. He does some shit every game that makes me jump out of my seat. Just an amazing athlete and a once in a lifetime basketball player. Yeah, I'm biased, but it's my blog... so fuck off.
4) Kobe
He's still a cunt but he's so smooth when he plays, he just makes it look so fucking easy, how can you not admire his game? I expect him to go for 50 every time I watch him play.
5) Chris Paul (narrowly edged out KG, Dirk, Deron Williams and Wade)
He WILL be the best pure point guard in the NBA within 3 years. Just too damn good. He knows what to do to make his team win. He can pass, he can score. Just needs to work on that whole staying healthy thing...
So Scott Rolen wants a trade. What a whiny little bitch. He couldn't cut it in Philly, so he ran away to St. Louis. Things were peachy there, Rolen even won a World Series, but now he wants out of there to. Shut the fuck up and play you stupid primadonna. You're not good enough to be making these kinds of demands. Shut your stupid mouth and play hard. If you can't survive in St. Louis, with 'friendly' mid-western fans, you might wanna consider the Venezuelan league. You fucker.
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