The Stupidest Songs Ever Made

So as Christmas approached I felt I had to make a list of the stupidest songs ever. Now these aren't necessarily the worst songs ever made, simply the stupidest. Either for reasons relating to music or to lyrics, these songs hurt my brain. Out of necessity I have left out cover songs (alas that means doing without Britney's version of "Can't Get No (Satisfaction)") and limited myself to only one country song. So without further ado, here is some of the most retarded songs ever made

5) Kidrock - "So Hott" (narrowly edging out "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry)



First off you have Kidrock trying to be all pimp and suave when he hasn't released a meaningful song in about eight years and his biggest claim to fame was sleeping with the walking STD that is Pamela Anderson. Then you have the lyrics to this atrocious piece of shit, and I quote:

"You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex."

Huh? Okay, I could see this song being good in a strip club, but at this point in his career, Kidrock releasing something as ridiculously bad as this track would be akin to Jordan coming back and challenging Kobe to a game of one-on-one. You had your 15 minutes, you made some money, got laid a whole bunch, but give it up man. It's time to crawl back to the trailer park from whence you came.

4) Fergie - "Fergalicious" (narrowly edging out Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend", Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind", and Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps")



You named the song after yourself. This is irrationally dumb! Bad Company tried it out too, but you know what? They actually have talent you stupid bimbo whore! Which such gems as

"Fergalicious
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious
I blow kisses
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got"

and

"I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness"

The song truly makes you stupider every time you hear it. She spells out delicious! Not to mention the fact that she spells tasty "tastEy". You dumb slut. At least learn to fucking spell if you're gonna force us to listen to this awful shit.

3) Craig Morgan - "International Harvester" (narrowly beating out "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" Trace Adkins



It's a song about being a hey farmer. Seriously? Fuck you middle America! It's a shitty job and this is a stupid song. With insightful lyrics like this:

"Well you may be on a state paved road
But that blacktop runs through my payload
Excuse me for tryin’ to do my job
But this year ain’t been no bumper crop
If you don’t like the way I’m a drivin’
Get back on the interstate
Otherwise sit tight and be nice
And quit yer honkin’ at me that way"

I truly feel like driving to a farm and punching whoever answers the door right in the face. How about you get your slow, piece of shit tractor of the fucking road? And maybe next time learn to read and you won't have to haul wheat for a living. Dumbass.

2) Jennifer Love Hewitt "Let's Go Bang" (narrowly trumping anything by Jamie Lynn Sigler)

Sooo you're gonna call a JLH song "Let's Go Bang" and not expect people to take it the wrong way? That's some shrewd thinking there. So bad I couldn't even find a copy of the piece of shit. Perhaps these lyrics will suffice:

"Before the groove hits
The move you want it to
And Uncle Funk wants
It over tonight
So, just dance along to
Wherever they take you tonight
You just bang it all up and out
Bang it all on time"

1) Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmas Time"



The stupidest song ever made and it's not even close. Honestly Sir Paul? After all the amazing Beatles songs and more than adequate stuff with Wings you give us this? I can't even call it music. To go along with the incessant sleigh bells and 80's synth riff, McCartney recites the most uninspired lyrics of his life. I mean, the refrain "ding dong, ding dong" is repeated several times throughout the song. Why? Just why?? Every Christmas I hear this song and all I can think about is how impeccably bad it is. It makes me want to push Santa Claus off a roof and punt some starving African kids. Despite all McCartney has done for music this will always hang over his head like a cloud of shame. Molesting a child would have tarnished your reputation less than this horrid plague upon mankind. What the fuck were you thinking? God I hope you were high on shrooms when you created this tremendous turd.

Okay, that's my list. Obviously it's not complete. There are tons of other ridiculously stupid creations that people call 'songs' out there. The lesson, as always, you don't need to be smart to be in the music industry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen to "Wonderful Christmas Time" for the final time until next December. And after that I think I'll go ride a unicycle into traffic.