So with their trade for Adam "Pacman" Jones, the Cowboys have officially become the sports equivalent of Real World. Adding the Pacman, with his penchant for 'making it rain', to an already combustible group that includes Tank Johnson, TO, Jessica Simpson, and the always radical Jerry Jones, creates the perfect mix for a molotov cocktail ready to explode. As I was bored at work today (as usual) discussing recent sports topics (also as usual) it occurred to me that the Cowboys were highly reminiscent of the booze-infused walking corpse that is Lindsay Lohan. Well, why stop there? Why not put a face to every NFL franchise?
Since it was the Cowboys that gave me the idea, let's start with he always formidable NFC East
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys - Lindsay Lohan
Lohan showed much promise early in her career. She was the hot, cute red-head with the world at her feet. Now she's a train-wreck waiting to happen, just like this Dallas team. They really expect this many flammable personalities to co-exist on one team without any problems? What happens when Pacman and Tank decide to take Romo out clubbing? Sooner or later you expect to hear that Lohan has driven her car into the Pacific while snorting some blow off a Chippendale dancer's ass; I'll expect the same from now on whenever someone mentions the Dallas Cowboys.
New York Giants - Ellen Page
Page vaulted from relative obscurity to claim everyone's hearts and become the new "it" girl with Juno. She's everywhere now. She hosted SNL, she's on all the talk shows, and she managed to get nominated for an Oscar. She's not the hottest girl out there in Hollywood, but she's managed to climb to the top of every director's wish list (at least for the moment). The Giants came out of nowhere to win the Super Bowl. All the odds were against them. They were missing Jeremy Shockey, they were facing the mighty Patriots, and they had the wrong Manning brother at quarterback. Despite facing the biggest of odds (the Giants with, well, everything, and Ellen with the superficiality that is Hollywood) both ultimately succeeded.
Washington Redskins - Michael Bay
Both had been living off their early accomplishments for years (the Skins with their titles from the early 90s and Bay with The Rock), and tried to regain their past glory by spending a lot of money which resulted in a lot of flash with very little substance (the Skins spent waaay too much money on Brandon Lloyd and London Fletcher among others, Bay made Pearl Harbor and Armageddon ..... a waste of money on both accounts). It's hard to take either of them that seriously, but it must be noted that both the Redskins and Bay did pretty well for themselves last year; the Redskins made the playoffs, and Bay came out with the enjoyable, if not a bit vapid, Transformers.
Philadelphia Eagles - Christian Slater
Both have tons of talent and had high expectations. Both made it far (the Eagles to three NFC title games plus a Super Bowl, and Slater acted in Interview with the Vampire and True Romance among other movies) only to never be able to quite get over the hump. The Eagles played like shit, then ran into the juggernaut Patriots in their Super Bowl appearance, only to have the TO (fuck that man!) saga the next year. Slater was set to be Hollywood's next big thing. He had the looks, the talent, and the charisma to go far, but drugs and numerous run-ins with the law seemed to always stand in his way. Both should've done more with what they had, but instead will only be remembered for what they didn't do.
NFC North
Green Bay Packers - John Travolta
While most of America loves the Packers and Travolta, I'm pretty fucking sick of them both. Both of them are living off their past and haven't done anything good in years. The Packers are still leaning on Favre, who, if we can be honest, hasn't been good in years (with last year obviously being the exception), and Travolta's still living off of Grease and Pulp Fiction, while releasing utter pieces of shit like Face/Off, Battlefield Earth and Be Cool. I mean, I don't get it. What's the big fucking deal with them?? It's like people are blind to the awful play of the Packers and the terrible movies Travolta continually makes. As far as I'm concerned, they're both overrated to hell and I'm sick of them in my life. The Packers and Travolta could both move to Siberia and I would be a very happy man.
Minnesota Vikings - Jenna Fischer
Both have been around for a while (Fischer's over 30!!), but never seemed to hit it big. The Vikes could never get that big win with a nucleus of Randall Cunningham, Randy Moss and Chris Carter a few years ago, and Jenna's career just sort of languished after Undeclared got canceled. Both, though, are on the rise. The Vikings have added Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen in subsequent years, and Jenna has starred in The Office (best show on television), Blades of Glory, and Walk Hard. Both are the current, hot thing, both are fun to watch, and I see big things in the future for them both as their stocks continue to rise.
Side note: Anyone else think Hollywood need more redheads? I mean, when redheads are hot, they're HOT. Aside from the amazingly cute Jenna, there's Amy Adams (so underrated), the always classy Nicole Kidman, pre-coked out Lindsay Lohan, and probably a bunch of other girls I'm forgetting. C'mon Hollywood.... get me more red heads!
Detroit Lions - Britney Spears
Both have had cataclysmic falls from grace to the point where they're nothing more than national punch lines. Both also have inexplicable marriages: the Lions have had the disastrous tenure of Matt Millen, and Britney married this.
Chicago Bears - Colin Farrell
Somehow both of them were good (or at least assumed to be) for a few years. The Bears made a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman, and Farrell has made a bunch of big Hollywood movies. But once you go see either close-up, you come to the realization that both suck and you inevitably leave telling everyone you know "I just wasted 3 hours of my life!" For some reason, both da Bears and Farrell suck you in, making you think you're about to see something good, but end up leaving you angry and used, like you just got your money stolen by a lanky transvestite posing as a prostitute.
NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ben Affleck
Yeah, they're both still around, but they've been sort of incognito the last few years. People stopped giving a shit about the Bucs after their Super Bowl win (which I guess should be expected of a team that plays in Tamp fucking Bay), and Affleck peaked when he made Good Will Hunting and rode Matt Damon's coattails to glory. Both have things they did not earn (the Eagles were the better team in that NFC title game, and how Affleck managed to get the smoking hot Jennifer Garner is beyond me). Recently, though, both have made comebacks of sorts, Tampa by making the playoffs with Jeff Garcia under center, and Affleck with a surprisingly good directorial debut in Gone Baby Gone. Neither the Bucs or Affleck are terrible, but neither's truly remarkable either.
Carolina Panthers - Nicholas Cage
At this point, it's hard to tell what you're gonna get from either. You get the good (Adaptation), the okay (National Treasure), and the truly horrific (The Wicker Man). But just when you count the Panthers or Cage out, they do something that's absolutely surprising and makes you realize you forgot just how good they used to be.
New Orleans Saints - Jessica Simpson
At the first glimpse, both look quite good. Delve a little deeper and you realize how little substance there actually is.
Atlanta Falcons - Sasha Mitchell
Both were destroyed by scandal. The Falcons lost any and all relevance they had once Michael Vick went to jail on dog fighting charges. Sasha played Cody on Step by Step, one of the iconic TV roles of all time (okay, maybe just of my childhood), until he decided to go punch his wife. Both are pretty much forgotten at this point. (Doesn't help that Atlanta is often considered the worst sports city in the country). Good job guys.
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks - Cameron Diaz
Both are clearly past their primes. The Seahawks aren't a true Super Bowl threat anymore, and Diaz has gone from making awesome movies like Gangs of New York and There's Something About Mary to horrible pieces of shit with Ashton Kutcher. Seattle, though, always seems to win the weak NFC West and you always find yourself sort of surprised when you realize they've made the playoffs again and that they're not that terrible. It's similar to Diaz. She might be in her mid -30s now and tend to be sort of forgotten by movie goers, but whenever you see her you certainly think to yourself 'man, I would totally tap that.'
San Francisco 49ers - Al Pacino
The Niners have a great history full of Super Bowl titles and some of the best to ever grace a football field. Names like Montana, Rice and Walsh give any true football fan a veritable chill down their spine. Pacino, too, has a gloried resume, with Godfather I and II, Dog Day Afternoon, Scent of a Woman, Scarface and many other movies with his name on it. But recently? The Niner have, um... Alex smith. Pacino has, um... 88 Minutes. Unlike the absolutely inept and highly amusing Lions, this is more sad than anything. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Arizona Cardinals - Megan Fox
On the surface, both are ridiculously attractive. Beneath that, though, who's to say? We don't really know and it's pretty much impossible to predict their fortunes. Both have the goods and seem poised for a meteoric rise. Whether that happens or not is up to them.
St. Louis Rams - Jennifer Love Hewitt
Both were at the top of the world just a few years ago, but that window has closed. Both are out of the spotlight and don't bring much to the table. When it comes to the fantasy world, though, both the Rams and Ms. Hewitt are still prime time players. Too bad fantasy stats don't equate to NFL wins. Welcome to irrelevancy.
(Okay, so I was gonna made some sort of double-entendre about how both the Rams and JLH have certain "assets" that make them attractive in the years of their decline, but then I thought 'screw it.' Why beat around the bush? I'm male. I'm straight. I want Jennifer Love Hewitt covered in whip cream laying on my bed with a bottle of chilled champagne and a bowl of strawberries within reach nearby, and a whip and leather cat-woman outfit hanging in the closet for foreplay. And that's that.)
AFC coming, um, sometime...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Spring is Here!!
I love spring. The weather gets warmer, flowers start to bloom, girls come out of the woodwork showing more skin. All good things. But the best part about spring? All the fucking sports! You get basketball playoffs, hockey playoffs, and the start of baseball season. This is literally a sports lover's paradise.
The start of baseball season always brings about new hope. Every fan believes that their team has a chance; that this'll finally be their year. I'm by no means the biggest baseball fan, but there's definitely something awesome about the start of the season. More than mere hope, it's also a time of eternal youth. Even the oldest among us can remember the first baseball game they went to. We can remember going into the stadium, which seemed so menacingly big at the time, we can hear the crowd cheering and groaning, and see ourselves looking at the players who looked like tiny little bugs so far below us. More than football or basketball, baseball has that timeless quality. It's not as exciting as basketball, as fast as hockey, or as hard-hitting as football, but baseball's always been that little slice of Americana that lets us know that the cold, hard winter is over and the breezy spring months, followed by summer days spent lounging on a chair, will soon be upon us. Baseball season means beaches, spring break and vacations. It means fishing trips, kids running around, and girls in bikinis. Baseball's the perfect background noise as the days get longer and the air gets warmer. And the first few weeks, when every team is still technically in it, and we get to scrutinize and analyze our team's off-season changes, and determine what veterans are done, and what young players are ready to take it to the next level, and ultimately decide whether it'll be worth our time to follow the team for the next five months or not (regardless of what we decide, we'll still follow the team for the next five months)....... well, those first few weeks are just stupendous.
Basketball playoff games are always a treat to watch. You get ballers at the top of their profession playing at ridiculous levels. The NBA post-season is nothing like the regular season. The intensity is taken to a different stratosphere entirely. Now I meant to write about the playoffs before the games started, but, well, I didn't. So let me go on the record now saying I think the Sixers can beat this Pistons team. We already took game one on their home court. We're younger and more athletic, and honestly, I think we're just hungrier.
Regardless of whether the Sixers were in or not, I'd still be uber-excited for these playoffs. I can't remember this many good teams and match-ups in my life. This should really be its own post, so we'll do that later.
That brings us to the NHL playoffs. Regular season and post-season hockey are, simply put, not the same sport. Post-season crowds are more raucous, the games are more physical, the skating is faster, the goaltending is at a higher level, and the shots just seem to be traveling faster. My Flyers rebounded from the worst season in team history to make the playoffs this year. If that wasn't exciting enough, we got matched up with the Washington Capitals in the first round. The Caps, of course, have Alexander Ovechkin, who evidently has been named the new "king of hockey" by the national hockey league. Well you know what? No one fucking told Philadelphia! Everyone picked the Caps to beat us even though we had more points than them in the regular season, we have a better, more proven goaltender, and we're a more balanced team. Everyone on ESPN just loooooves Ovechkin so much. Well you know what Barry Melrose.... you can go suck his Russian cock., cause tonight the Flyers beat the fucking Capitals. Yeah, it took an overtime period in game 7, but still. We get to play the Canadiens in the next round, and though I may not get to see a game cause I don't get whatever the fuck this VS. channel is (way to get a good TV contract NHL... really, you did a great job there), I'm still ridiculously excited. There is NOTHING quite as nerve-racking as an overtime hockey game where the first goal wins the game, and there is nothing quite like playoff hockey. If the NHL regular season was anything at all like the playoffs, the league would certainly have more fans. It's hard to explain the thrill of seeing your teams back in the playoffs, and succeeding, after they've been down in the doldrums for the pat few seasons. Do I expect either the Flyers or Sixers to actually win a title? No, not really. We're just not good enough... yet. But then again, the uncertainty is what makes the playoffs so damn exciting in the first place. I may need to start downing pills just to make sure my enthusiasm doesn't the best of me.
Sooo I got the start of the season for a Phillies team with an extremely potent offense, I got my basketball team getting the NBA's attention by giving those cocky-ass Pistons all they can handle, and I got my hockey team beating the NHL's new golden boy to advance to the next round in the playoffs. You know what, I could get used to this. This is gonna be a good few weeks. I fucking love spring.
The start of baseball season always brings about new hope. Every fan believes that their team has a chance; that this'll finally be their year. I'm by no means the biggest baseball fan, but there's definitely something awesome about the start of the season. More than mere hope, it's also a time of eternal youth. Even the oldest among us can remember the first baseball game they went to. We can remember going into the stadium, which seemed so menacingly big at the time, we can hear the crowd cheering and groaning, and see ourselves looking at the players who looked like tiny little bugs so far below us. More than football or basketball, baseball has that timeless quality. It's not as exciting as basketball, as fast as hockey, or as hard-hitting as football, but baseball's always been that little slice of Americana that lets us know that the cold, hard winter is over and the breezy spring months, followed by summer days spent lounging on a chair, will soon be upon us. Baseball season means beaches, spring break and vacations. It means fishing trips, kids running around, and girls in bikinis. Baseball's the perfect background noise as the days get longer and the air gets warmer. And the first few weeks, when every team is still technically in it, and we get to scrutinize and analyze our team's off-season changes, and determine what veterans are done, and what young players are ready to take it to the next level, and ultimately decide whether it'll be worth our time to follow the team for the next five months or not (regardless of what we decide, we'll still follow the team for the next five months)....... well, those first few weeks are just stupendous.
Basketball playoff games are always a treat to watch. You get ballers at the top of their profession playing at ridiculous levels. The NBA post-season is nothing like the regular season. The intensity is taken to a different stratosphere entirely. Now I meant to write about the playoffs before the games started, but, well, I didn't. So let me go on the record now saying I think the Sixers can beat this Pistons team. We already took game one on their home court. We're younger and more athletic, and honestly, I think we're just hungrier.
Regardless of whether the Sixers were in or not, I'd still be uber-excited for these playoffs. I can't remember this many good teams and match-ups in my life. This should really be its own post, so we'll do that later.
That brings us to the NHL playoffs. Regular season and post-season hockey are, simply put, not the same sport. Post-season crowds are more raucous, the games are more physical, the skating is faster, the goaltending is at a higher level, and the shots just seem to be traveling faster. My Flyers rebounded from the worst season in team history to make the playoffs this year. If that wasn't exciting enough, we got matched up with the Washington Capitals in the first round. The Caps, of course, have Alexander Ovechkin, who evidently has been named the new "king of hockey" by the national hockey league. Well you know what? No one fucking told Philadelphia! Everyone picked the Caps to beat us even though we had more points than them in the regular season, we have a better, more proven goaltender, and we're a more balanced team. Everyone on ESPN just loooooves Ovechkin so much. Well you know what Barry Melrose.... you can go suck his Russian cock., cause tonight the Flyers beat the fucking Capitals. Yeah, it took an overtime period in game 7, but still. We get to play the Canadiens in the next round, and though I may not get to see a game cause I don't get whatever the fuck this VS. channel is (way to get a good TV contract NHL... really, you did a great job there), I'm still ridiculously excited. There is NOTHING quite as nerve-racking as an overtime hockey game where the first goal wins the game, and there is nothing quite like playoff hockey. If the NHL regular season was anything at all like the playoffs, the league would certainly have more fans. It's hard to explain the thrill of seeing your teams back in the playoffs, and succeeding, after they've been down in the doldrums for the pat few seasons. Do I expect either the Flyers or Sixers to actually win a title? No, not really. We're just not good enough... yet. But then again, the uncertainty is what makes the playoffs so damn exciting in the first place. I may need to start downing pills just to make sure my enthusiasm doesn't the best of me.
Sooo I got the start of the season for a Phillies team with an extremely potent offense, I got my basketball team getting the NBA's attention by giving those cocky-ass Pistons all they can handle, and I got my hockey team beating the NHL's new golden boy to advance to the next round in the playoffs. You know what, I could get used to this. This is gonna be a good few weeks. I fucking love spring.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
On the Olympic Torch and the Masters
Being a sports fan, I'm naturally excited for the Olympics. Coming around every four years, they have that special feel for me that I otherwise only seem to get with the Super Bowl, the NCAA tournament, and the World Cup. There's something about seeing people just give their all in the name of their country that's pretty cool. You don't see such passion and pride anywhere but the Olympics (maybe at the World Cup and NCAA tourney, but too a much smaller degree). For the most part, Olympic athletes aren't super famous and ridiculously rich. They haven't been spoiled, so to speak, by fame.
The running of the torch is one of the Olympics' time-honored tradition. Not only does it get people all psyched-up for the Olympics, but it helps us to remember the beauty of sport (god that sounds cliche). But in all honesty, that's what the torch is meant to represent, and I think most people see it as transcending the simple flame that it is. The Olympic torch is usually met with gala and celebration, but that is obviously not the case this year. The numerous demonstrations and protests that have met the torch on its journey thus far are well documented. My feelings on these protests are kind of split.
It's always a good thing when people are standing up for the suffering of others. China's humanitarian record is widely known to be a disgrace and it's about time attention was brought to this. Knowing China's humanitarian stances, I'm surprised the International Olympic Committee allowed Beijing to have the games in the first place. Did they expect people to be so apathetic as to not care at all about the atrocities that the Chinese government permits? If so, I don't know whether that speaks to the ignorance of the IOC or to the sad state of social consciousness in the world today. Whichever the case, it seemed that the IOC expected politics not to come into play during these Olympics at all. That, for sure, IS ignorance. On a platform this prominent, politics are bound to come into play. And it's not as if the Olympics have never served as a stage for people to express their political agendas. You have Jesse Owens basically slapping Hitler in the face at the1936 Olympics, South Africa being banned from the 1964 Olympics, Tommie Smith and John Carlos raising their fists in support of the civil rights movement at the 1968 games, the Munich kidnappings and subsequent murders in 1972, and America boycotting the 1980 games in Moscow. If the rest of the world is watching, politics will ALWAYS come into play. You'll never have a better chance to reach a large audience.
Jacque Rogge, president of the IOC, did not help matters by reacting to the mass protests by saying only that he is in "silent diplomacy" with China. What the fuck kind of euphemism is that?? Just say that you don't wanna ruffle China's feathers cause their government is as sensitive to criticism as a pregnant woman. Seriously, that is a ridiculous answer. Rogge should lose his job for that. The thing is, no one's happy with China's government. Human rights violations are just one of many worrisome factors relating to the country. Once again, though, economics rule all. America wouldn't dare to say anything. The US economy relies heavily on China's large and deep labor pool (and China, in return, relies on us to purchase a large chunk of their goods). Though condemning China publicly would be the right thing to do, it would make no financial sense to do such a thing. The American government, and one could argue rightfully so, will not jeopardize their mutually-beneficial relationship over a country as insignificant (to them) as Tibet. Rogge has said that he thinks the games will be a "catalyst for change and will open a country which used to be mysterious to much of the world". Well you better hope so Jacque, cause so far it's not going too well.
On the other side of the equation, it's a shame that these protests didn't emerge before the Olympics. Sure this is a great way to put attention on the issue, but you have to feel bad for the people running the torch and for the spectators that just wanted a glimpse of it going through their city. I think it's a sign of the times that even something as seemingly insignificant as the running of a lit torch cannot occur without upsetting people across the globe. It's a shame both that the innocence of the Olympics are gone and that people will never let it return. When most people think of the Olympic flame, it brings forth the sense of friendly competition and unity; well it seems unity maybe gone and the competition might not be so friendly anymore.
On a related tangent, China has blamed Tibetan separatists for causing the riots. Oh shut the fuck up you Commie bastards. Give us a break. If you didn't have a billion people in your country no one would give you any respect at all. You're pretty much the Paris Hilton of the world. No one really likes you, but you're tolerated cause you're a billionaire heiress and there's the prospect of getting a blow job.
Okay, when I get home from work I like to sit down and watch PTI. It's one of my daily traditions. Kornheiser and Wilbon's back-and-forth banter always makes for good entertainment. When I got home on Thursday and Friday though, what did I find when I turned on ESPN to watch PTI?... the motherfucking Masters. The Masters! I mean, I understand canceling PTI for the playoffs, opening day, or the NCAA tourney, but not for the damned Masters. As is clearly apparent, I am NOT a golf fan. I just don't care about the Masters and ESPN's blanket coverage of it the last 4 days has been annoying as hell. All I get is golf, golf, and more golf. I understand if people want to play golf, but how can people watch it? Swing, walk, repeat. How is that entertaining in the least? ESPN disappoints me sometimes. We never see any European soccer (even though they have many of the television contracts) or hockey, and instead we get fishing, bowling, racing and golf. Is golf even a sport? My definition of a sport is something you can't do while smoking a cigarette. I'm fairly positive you can play golf while smoking. Now I am greatly impressed by pro golfers. Their ability to hit a small ball into a small hole is impressive, but I don't want to watch it, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. All you ever hear come Masters time is ESPN's sycophantic sportscasters gushing on and on about the beauty and majesty of Augusta. It's a pretty lawn. With holes and tiny deserts. Give me a break. Can we take a national poll on how many people actually want to watch this thing on TV? If more people want to watch it than don't, then I concede and it stays on air; otherwise, move it to ESPN 5 or some shit. Golf is golf, and I will never care. Give me back PTI.
The running of the torch is one of the Olympics' time-honored tradition. Not only does it get people all psyched-up for the Olympics, but it helps us to remember the beauty of sport (god that sounds cliche). But in all honesty, that's what the torch is meant to represent, and I think most people see it as transcending the simple flame that it is. The Olympic torch is usually met with gala and celebration, but that is obviously not the case this year. The numerous demonstrations and protests that have met the torch on its journey thus far are well documented. My feelings on these protests are kind of split.
It's always a good thing when people are standing up for the suffering of others. China's humanitarian record is widely known to be a disgrace and it's about time attention was brought to this. Knowing China's humanitarian stances, I'm surprised the International Olympic Committee allowed Beijing to have the games in the first place. Did they expect people to be so apathetic as to not care at all about the atrocities that the Chinese government permits? If so, I don't know whether that speaks to the ignorance of the IOC or to the sad state of social consciousness in the world today. Whichever the case, it seemed that the IOC expected politics not to come into play during these Olympics at all. That, for sure, IS ignorance. On a platform this prominent, politics are bound to come into play. And it's not as if the Olympics have never served as a stage for people to express their political agendas. You have Jesse Owens basically slapping Hitler in the face at the1936 Olympics, South Africa being banned from the 1964 Olympics, Tommie Smith and John Carlos raising their fists in support of the civil rights movement at the 1968 games, the Munich kidnappings and subsequent murders in 1972, and America boycotting the 1980 games in Moscow. If the rest of the world is watching, politics will ALWAYS come into play. You'll never have a better chance to reach a large audience.
Jacque Rogge, president of the IOC, did not help matters by reacting to the mass protests by saying only that he is in "silent diplomacy" with China. What the fuck kind of euphemism is that?? Just say that you don't wanna ruffle China's feathers cause their government is as sensitive to criticism as a pregnant woman. Seriously, that is a ridiculous answer. Rogge should lose his job for that. The thing is, no one's happy with China's government. Human rights violations are just one of many worrisome factors relating to the country. Once again, though, economics rule all. America wouldn't dare to say anything. The US economy relies heavily on China's large and deep labor pool (and China, in return, relies on us to purchase a large chunk of their goods). Though condemning China publicly would be the right thing to do, it would make no financial sense to do such a thing. The American government, and one could argue rightfully so, will not jeopardize their mutually-beneficial relationship over a country as insignificant (to them) as Tibet. Rogge has said that he thinks the games will be a "catalyst for change and will open a country which used to be mysterious to much of the world". Well you better hope so Jacque, cause so far it's not going too well.
On the other side of the equation, it's a shame that these protests didn't emerge before the Olympics. Sure this is a great way to put attention on the issue, but you have to feel bad for the people running the torch and for the spectators that just wanted a glimpse of it going through their city. I think it's a sign of the times that even something as seemingly insignificant as the running of a lit torch cannot occur without upsetting people across the globe. It's a shame both that the innocence of the Olympics are gone and that people will never let it return. When most people think of the Olympic flame, it brings forth the sense of friendly competition and unity; well it seems unity maybe gone and the competition might not be so friendly anymore.
On a related tangent, China has blamed Tibetan separatists for causing the riots. Oh shut the fuck up you Commie bastards. Give us a break. If you didn't have a billion people in your country no one would give you any respect at all. You're pretty much the Paris Hilton of the world. No one really likes you, but you're tolerated cause you're a billionaire heiress and there's the prospect of getting a blow job.
Okay, when I get home from work I like to sit down and watch PTI. It's one of my daily traditions. Kornheiser and Wilbon's back-and-forth banter always makes for good entertainment. When I got home on Thursday and Friday though, what did I find when I turned on ESPN to watch PTI?... the motherfucking Masters. The Masters! I mean, I understand canceling PTI for the playoffs, opening day, or the NCAA tourney, but not for the damned Masters. As is clearly apparent, I am NOT a golf fan. I just don't care about the Masters and ESPN's blanket coverage of it the last 4 days has been annoying as hell. All I get is golf, golf, and more golf. I understand if people want to play golf, but how can people watch it? Swing, walk, repeat. How is that entertaining in the least? ESPN disappoints me sometimes. We never see any European soccer (even though they have many of the television contracts) or hockey, and instead we get fishing, bowling, racing and golf. Is golf even a sport? My definition of a sport is something you can't do while smoking a cigarette. I'm fairly positive you can play golf while smoking. Now I am greatly impressed by pro golfers. Their ability to hit a small ball into a small hole is impressive, but I don't want to watch it, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. All you ever hear come Masters time is ESPN's sycophantic sportscasters gushing on and on about the beauty and majesty of Augusta. It's a pretty lawn. With holes and tiny deserts. Give me a break. Can we take a national poll on how many people actually want to watch this thing on TV? If more people want to watch it than don't, then I concede and it stays on air; otherwise, move it to ESPN 5 or some shit. Golf is golf, and I will never care. Give me back PTI.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Looking at Comic Books a Whole New Way
I loved comic books when I was young. Okay, maybe love is too strong of a word, but I definitely read them on occasion and always watched the cartoons (X-men the cartoon = fucking awesome!). I was thrilled when all these super hero movies started getting made. Seeing something on paper is one thing... but seeing something created into real life is another thing altogether. Over the weekend I was walking through a Borders and saw an X-men Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire book (basically a compilation of like the 12 comic book arc). That was one of my favorite cartoon arcs, so I figured what the hell, I'll buy the comic. So as I opened it up I remembered what attracted me to comic books in the first place - the vivid colors, the over-the-top characters, and the amazing illustrations (honestly, I don't know know how they draw those pages.... my stick figures look like shit). But you know what really stuck out to me? Female comic book heroes are HOT.
Obviously, I look at girls a completely different way from when I was five or even ten, but still, this was kind of blatant. Just look at some of them and tell me you wouldn't wanna jump their bones:
Psylocke, wearing an outfit that seems better suited for a Victoria Secret show than crime fighting
Jean Grey's pretty classic... but what's with the come hither look?
Who doesn't love a southern girl?..... especially when she's wearing short-shorts
That's Shadowcat??
So I know what you're thinking, 'but Hepzibah's part cat!' Honestly, would it really matter that much?
Am I the only one digging the green hair?
Just to be fair, the artists even made the super villains hot:
Here's Lady Deathstrike
And last, but most definitely not least, Emma Frost (Really?? Yes, really.)
Obviously, I look at girls a completely different way from when I was five or even ten, but still, this was kind of blatant. Just look at some of them and tell me you wouldn't wanna jump their bones:
Psylocke, wearing an outfit that seems better suited for a Victoria Secret show than crime fighting
Jean Grey's pretty classic... but what's with the come hither look?
Who doesn't love a southern girl?..... especially when she's wearing short-shorts
That's Shadowcat??
So I know what you're thinking, 'but Hepzibah's part cat!' Honestly, would it really matter that much?
Clearly Rachel Grey inherited the Phoenix's hot gene
Am I the only one digging the green hair?Just to be fair, the artists even made the super villains hot:
Here's Lady Deathstrike
And last, but most definitely not least, Emma Frost (Really?? Yes, really.)And to show I'm not just some sick bastard, other people have noticed the, um, assets of female comic book characters as well. There's an entire website dedicated to them! So how t0 explain the voluptuousness of these (for the most part) childhood characters?
Well though comic books tend to be targeted towards kids, they've always dealt with real life topics. Death and sex are constantly prevalent in comic books. How many kids saw their first kiss in an X-men book, or first learned about the pain of love from Spiderman's and Mary Jane?
Sexuality plays a major role in many a comic book plot. As society's views of sexuality and the female figure have changed, so have the depictions of said female figures in comics. Most casual fans have seen the original X-men costumes, which by todays standards are tacky and ultra-conservative at best. As a whole, society has clearly become more comfortable with the overt sexuality of the female figure over the years, and this evolution is no different in the comic book world. Comics have always served as a medium for social activism (one would have to be blind to miss the connections between the racial tensions prevalent in the 1960s and the outcast X-men), and women's rights and progresses have no doubt played a role in the thought processes that have gone behind many a comic. So in some ways one could say the natural zeitgeist shift has led to female comic book characters dressing more provocatively in an effort to keep up with the seemingly never ending trend of female clothing becoming skimpier and skimpier; but then, one must also look at who exactly is creating these drawings.
Traditionally, the comic book industry tends to be dominated by men. Men think up the ideas, write the stories, and draw the pictures. It shouldn't really be a surprise then that there are so many attractively drawn female characters, should it? Not to get too Freudian on your asses, but I think it's safe to say that many of these characters are direct manifestations of what these male artists would want in a girl; their inner id more or less put to paper. Who doesn't like a girl that can kick some ass? Every guy, whether he admits it or not, has a thing for the conflagration of boobs and leather, and comics provide an unacceptable way for this fantasy to come to life, so to speak.
So where to from here? Well as a genre, comics, more specifically graphic novels, have always been on the forefront of acceptance of what is seen as social un-norms. Alan Moore's seminal Watchmen, which was released waaay back in 1986, dealt blatantly with the themes of sex, rape and homosexuality. It could be argued that mainstream Hollywood still tends to see these topics as almost taboo. Obviously the smaller core audience of comic readers allows the genre to stray away from the mainstream without offending those obnoxious know-it-alls I like to call conservatives, but still, it seems weird that the most forward thinking of our media is found in books full of pictures of men and women dresses in brightly dyed tights. But perhaps it is these pictures that allow comics to be so progressive in the first place. People (in general) see cartoon drawings and immediately think the material within to be of the conventional and "safe" variety, little realizing that these picture books are showing and telling them what they are perhaps afraid to see and hear. As Marvel, DC and other comic publishers continue their release of graphic novels in order to tap into the 'adult' market, the limits for the genre are boundless. The combination of words and pictures allow comics to touch the imagination in a way totally different from the way books do. Plus, books just don't give you Mary Jane modeling underwear.
Well though comic books tend to be targeted towards kids, they've always dealt with real life topics. Death and sex are constantly prevalent in comic books. How many kids saw their first kiss in an X-men book, or first learned about the pain of love from Spiderman's and Mary Jane?
Sexuality plays a major role in many a comic book plot. As society's views of sexuality and the female figure have changed, so have the depictions of said female figures in comics. Most casual fans have seen the original X-men costumes, which by todays standards are tacky and ultra-conservative at best. As a whole, society has clearly become more comfortable with the overt sexuality of the female figure over the years, and this evolution is no different in the comic book world. Comics have always served as a medium for social activism (one would have to be blind to miss the connections between the racial tensions prevalent in the 1960s and the outcast X-men), and women's rights and progresses have no doubt played a role in the thought processes that have gone behind many a comic. So in some ways one could say the natural zeitgeist shift has led to female comic book characters dressing more provocatively in an effort to keep up with the seemingly never ending trend of female clothing becoming skimpier and skimpier; but then, one must also look at who exactly is creating these drawings.
Traditionally, the comic book industry tends to be dominated by men. Men think up the ideas, write the stories, and draw the pictures. It shouldn't really be a surprise then that there are so many attractively drawn female characters, should it? Not to get too Freudian on your asses, but I think it's safe to say that many of these characters are direct manifestations of what these male artists would want in a girl; their inner id more or less put to paper. Who doesn't like a girl that can kick some ass? Every guy, whether he admits it or not, has a thing for the conflagration of boobs and leather, and comics provide an unacceptable way for this fantasy to come to life, so to speak.
So where to from here? Well as a genre, comics, more specifically graphic novels, have always been on the forefront of acceptance of what is seen as social un-norms. Alan Moore's seminal Watchmen, which was released waaay back in 1986, dealt blatantly with the themes of sex, rape and homosexuality. It could be argued that mainstream Hollywood still tends to see these topics as almost taboo. Obviously the smaller core audience of comic readers allows the genre to stray away from the mainstream without offending those obnoxious know-it-alls I like to call conservatives, but still, it seems weird that the most forward thinking of our media is found in books full of pictures of men and women dresses in brightly dyed tights. But perhaps it is these pictures that allow comics to be so progressive in the first place. People (in general) see cartoon drawings and immediately think the material within to be of the conventional and "safe" variety, little realizing that these picture books are showing and telling them what they are perhaps afraid to see and hear. As Marvel, DC and other comic publishers continue their release of graphic novels in order to tap into the 'adult' market, the limits for the genre are boundless. The combination of words and pictures allow comics to touch the imagination in a way totally different from the way books do. Plus, books just don't give you Mary Jane modeling underwear.
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