Who's Who in the NFL

So with their trade for Adam "Pacman" Jones, the Cowboys have officially become the sports equivalent of Real World. Adding the Pacman, with his penchant for 'making it rain', to an already combustible group that includes Tank Johnson, TO, Jessica Simpson, and the always radical Jerry Jones, creates the perfect mix for a molotov cocktail ready to explode. As I was bored at work today (as usual) discussing recent sports topics (also as usual) it occurred to me that the Cowboys were highly reminiscent of the booze-infused walking corpse that is Lindsay Lohan. Well, why stop there? Why not put a face to every NFL franchise?
Since it was the Cowboys that gave me the idea, let's start with he always formidable NFC East

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys - Lindsay Lohan

Lohan showed much promise early in her career. She was the hot, cute red-head with the world at her feet. Now she's a train-wreck waiting to happen, just like this Dallas team. They really expect this many flammable personalities to co-exist on one team without any problems? What happens when Pacman and Tank decide to take Romo out clubbing? Sooner or later you expect to hear that Lohan has driven her car into the Pacific while snorting some blow off a Chippendale dancer's ass; I'll expect the same from now on whenever someone mentions the Dallas Cowboys.

New York Giants - Ellen Page

Page vaulted from relative obscurity to claim everyone's hearts and become the new "it" girl with Juno. She's everywhere now. She hosted SNL, she's on all the talk shows, and she managed to get nominated for an Oscar. She's not the hottest girl out there in Hollywood, but she's managed to climb to the top of every director's wish list (at least for the moment). The Giants came out of nowhere to win the Super Bowl. All the odds were against them. They were missing Jeremy Shockey, they were facing the mighty Patriots, and they had the wrong Manning brother at quarterback. Despite facing the biggest of odds (the Giants with, well, everything, and Ellen with the superficiality that is Hollywood) both ultimately succeeded.

Washington Redskins - Michael Bay

Both had been living off their early accomplishments for years (the Skins with their titles from the early 90s and Bay with The Rock), and tried to regain their past glory by spending a lot of money which resulted in a lot of flash with very little substance (the Skins spent waaay too much money on Brandon Lloyd and London Fletcher among others, Bay made Pearl Harbor and Armageddon ..... a waste of money on both accounts). It's hard to take either of them that seriously, but it must be noted that both the Redskins and Bay did pretty well for themselves last year; the Redskins made the playoffs, and Bay came out with the enjoyable, if not a bit vapid, Transformers.

Philadelphia Eagles - Christian Slater

Both have tons of talent and had high expectations. Both made it far (the Eagles to three NFC title games plus a Super Bowl, and Slater acted in Interview with the Vampire and True Romance among other movies) only to never be able to quite get over the hump. The Eagles played like shit, then ran into the juggernaut Patriots in their Super Bowl appearance, only to have the TO (fuck that man!) saga the next year. Slater was set to be Hollywood's next big thing. He had the looks, the talent, and the charisma to go far, but drugs and numerous run-ins with the law seemed to always stand in his way. Both should've done more with what they had, but instead will only be remembered for what they didn't do.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers - John Travolta

While most of America loves the Packers and Travolta, I'm pretty fucking sick of them both. Both of them are living off their past and haven't done anything good in years. The Packers are still leaning on Favre, who, if we can be honest, hasn't been good in years (with last year obviously being the exception), and Travolta's still living off of Grease and Pulp Fiction, while releasing utter pieces of shit like Face/Off, Battlefield Earth and Be Cool. I mean, I don't get it. What's the big fucking deal with them?? It's like people are blind to the awful play of the Packers and the terrible movies Travolta continually makes. As far as I'm concerned, they're both overrated to hell and I'm sick of them in my life. The Packers and Travolta could both move to Siberia and I would be a very happy man.

Minnesota Vikings - Jenna Fischer

Both have been around for a while (Fischer's over 30!!), but never seemed to hit it big. The Vikes could never get that big win with a nucleus of Randall Cunningham, Randy Moss and Chris Carter a few years ago, and Jenna's career just sort of languished after Undeclared got canceled. Both, though, are on the rise. The Vikings have added Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen in subsequent years, and Jenna has starred in The Office (best show on television), Blades of Glory, and Walk Hard. Both are the current, hot thing, both are fun to watch, and I see big things in the future for them both as their stocks continue to rise.

Side note: Anyone else think Hollywood need more redheads? I mean, when redheads are hot, they're HOT. Aside from the amazingly cute Jenna, there's Amy Adams (so underrated), the always classy Nicole Kidman, pre-coked out Lindsay Lohan, and probably a bunch of other girls I'm forgetting. C'mon Hollywood.... get me more red heads!

Detroit Lions - Britney Spears

Both have had cataclysmic falls from grace to the point where they're nothing more than national punch lines. Both also have inexplicable marriages: the Lions have had the disastrous tenure of Matt Millen, and Britney married this.

Chicago Bears - Colin Farrell

Somehow both of them were good (or at least assumed to be) for a few years. The Bears made a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman, and Farrell has made a bunch of big Hollywood movies. But once you go see either close-up, you come to the realization that both suck and you inevitably leave telling everyone you know "I just wasted 3 hours of my life!" For some reason, both da Bears and Farrell suck you in, making you think you're about to see something good, but end up leaving you angry and used, like you just got your money stolen by a lanky transvestite posing as a prostitute.

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ben Affleck

Yeah, they're both still around, but they've been sort of incognito the last few years. People stopped giving a shit about the Bucs after their Super Bowl win (which I guess should be expected of a team that plays in Tamp fucking Bay), and Affleck peaked when he made Good Will Hunting and rode Matt Damon's coattails to glory. Both have things they did not earn (the Eagles were the better team in that NFC title game, and how Affleck managed to get the smoking hot Jennifer Garner is beyond me). Recently, though, both have made comebacks of sorts, Tampa by making the playoffs with Jeff Garcia under center, and Affleck with a surprisingly good directorial debut in Gone Baby Gone. Neither the Bucs or Affleck are terrible, but neither's truly remarkable either.

Carolina Panthers - Nicholas Cage

At this point, it's hard to tell what you're gonna get from either. You get the good (Adaptation), the okay (National Treasure), and the truly horrific (The Wicker Man). But just when you count the Panthers or Cage out, they do something that's absolutely surprising and makes you realize you forgot just how good they used to be.

New Orleans Saints - Jessica Simpson

At the first glimpse, both look quite good. Delve a little deeper and you realize how little substance there actually is.

Atlanta Falcons - Sasha Mitchell

Both were destroyed by scandal. The Falcons lost any and all relevance they had once Michael Vick went to jail on dog fighting charges. Sasha played Cody on Step by Step, one of the iconic TV roles of all time (okay, maybe just of my childhood), until he decided to go punch his wife. Both are pretty much forgotten at this point. (Doesn't help that Atlanta is often considered the worst sports city in the country). Good job guys.


NFC West

Seattle Seahawks - Cameron Diaz

Both are clearly past their primes. The Seahawks aren't a true Super Bowl threat anymore, and Diaz has gone from making awesome movies like Gangs of New York and There's Something About Mary to horrible pieces of shit with Ashton Kutcher. Seattle, though, always seems to win the weak NFC West and you always find yourself sort of surprised when you realize they've made the playoffs again and that they're not that terrible. It's similar to Diaz. She might be in her mid -30s now and tend to be sort of forgotten by movie goers, but whenever you see her you certainly think to yourself 'man, I would totally tap that.'

San Francisco 49ers - Al Pacino

The Niners have a great history full of Super Bowl titles and some of the best to ever grace a football field. Names like Montana, Rice and Walsh give any true football fan a veritable chill down their spine. Pacino, too, has a gloried resume, with Godfather I and II, Dog Day Afternoon, Scent of a Woman, Scarface and many other movies with his name on it. But recently? The Niner have, um... Alex smith. Pacino has, um... 88 Minutes. Unlike the absolutely inept and highly amusing Lions, this is more sad than anything. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Arizona Cardinals - Megan Fox

On the surface, both are ridiculously attractive. Beneath that, though, who's to say? We don't really know and it's pretty much impossible to predict their fortunes. Both have the goods and seem poised for a meteoric rise. Whether that happens or not is up to them.

St. Louis Rams - Jennifer Love Hewitt

Both were at the top of the world just a few years ago, but that window has closed. Both are out of the spotlight and don't bring much to the table. When it comes to the fantasy world, though, both the Rams and Ms. Hewitt are still prime time players. Too bad fantasy stats don't equate to NFL wins. Welcome to irrelevancy.
(Okay, so I was gonna made some sort of double-entendre about how both the Rams and JLH have certain "assets" that make them attractive in the years of their decline, but then I thought 'screw it.' Why beat around the bush? I'm male. I'm straight. I want Jennifer Love Hewitt covered in whip cream laying on my bed with a bottle of chilled champagne and a bowl of strawberries within reach nearby, and a whip and leather cat-woman outfit hanging in the closet for foreplay. And that's that.)


AFC coming, um, sometime...