Really god, really? The Phils are on the brink of winning their first World Series in 28 years, we have our ace on the mound, everything's primed and readied for the fans and this city to explode.... and the game gets suspended due to rain. I mean, c'mon. Granted, this is Philly, I never expected winning the title to be easy. If anything, it seems almost right that our first title in nearly a quarter century is marred by a torrential downpour. It's like god said 'fine, I'll give you the title you so crave, but I'm gonna take a little piss on you at the same time,' to which, of course, we all said 'drink a gallon of coffee and bring it on!.' It's hard to be mad at the weather. It is what it is. We can't control it. But so whom do I blame for the game yesterday? That's easy - Bud Selig.
Can we agree that Bud Selig is the worst commissioner in sports? You have the tied all-star game, the all-star game itself counting for home field advantage in the World Series, the over-expansion of baseball to cities that can't possibly support a team, the 1994 strike that canceled the World Series and might have destroyed baseball as we know it in Montreal, and now we have the farce of a game that was game 5 of the 2008 World Series. We knew hard rains were coming in yesterday night. Every meteorologist said as much. And with the World Series games starting later and later we knew we were gonna run into inclement weather. So the wise decision might've been to just postpone the game to a different day. But they start the game....so be it; but at the very least, you need to know when to stop play. At the point where Jimmy Rollins, an amazingly sure-handed shortstop that won a gold glove last year, is unable to catch a routine pop-up cause at the last minute it gets blown ten feet in front of him..... well, it might be time to stop the game. Might be time to stop it then, not two innings later, after the Rays have tied the score and the field resembles a water park more than it does a baseball diamond. What kind of bullshit is that? Worked out pretty well for you, didn't it Bud, suspending a tied game? Allows you to stear clear of criticism. You're a wily prick Bud. The Phillies waste a game from their ace pitcher Cole Hamels and now the Rays have renewed life and energy. That should've been our night. It's not hard to know when a game is unplayable. Selig, you need to cut the bullshit and stop trying to save your slimy ass and put the integrity of the game ahead of everything else. Bud, you're an asshole of a commissioner. You should be ashamed of yourself. If the Phillies go on to lose this game and lose this series, I blame you Bud. There will be blood on your hands. And no matter, win or lose, just know that you're not welcome in this town. We prefer that our sport commissioners actually be somewhat intelligent rather than an egotistical jackass. Plus, I mean, we can't blame god, right? And fas as baseball goes Bud, you seem to think you're the next best thing....
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Best Sports Weekend Ever?
Let's look at the past weekend for a Philly fan (specifically me):
My alma mater, Penn, beats Yale 9 -7 to continue their un-beaten run in the Ivy League.
The Flyers, who hadn't won a game all season, beat the hated New Jersey Devils in an home-and-home series. Not only does this get the struggling Flyers back on track, but it also hurts the Devils. Well done guys.
Penn State, who you kinda have to root for if you're born in Pennsylvania (not to mention the fact that Penn isn't bowl eligible), beat a tough Ohio State team to remain undefeated and give themselves an excellent chance of playing for the national title.
The Eagles, coming off of a bye, beat a pretty good Atlanta Falcons team 27 - 14 to move above .500 and back into the thick of things in the NFC East. Couple that with the return of Brian Westbrook, who ran for a pair of TDs and a career high 167 yards, and Eagles fans have something positive to look forward to.
Lastly, the Phillies beat Tampa Bay in games 3 and 4 of the World Series to move within one win of bringing Philly it's first championship in my lifetime. Game 3 was one of the most unforgettable games of my life, and game 4 was a slaughter with Ryan Howard hitting home runs and even Joe Blanton (our freaking pticher!) hitting one. That sets us up perfectly for Cole Hamels to pitch the clinching game tonight.
So Penn, PSU, the Flyers, the Eagles, and the Phillies all win all their games this weekend. Best sports weekend of my life? I think that's a resounding yes.
My alma mater, Penn, beats Yale 9 -7 to continue their un-beaten run in the Ivy League.
The Flyers, who hadn't won a game all season, beat the hated New Jersey Devils in an home-and-home series. Not only does this get the struggling Flyers back on track, but it also hurts the Devils. Well done guys.
Penn State, who you kinda have to root for if you're born in Pennsylvania (not to mention the fact that Penn isn't bowl eligible), beat a tough Ohio State team to remain undefeated and give themselves an excellent chance of playing for the national title.
The Eagles, coming off of a bye, beat a pretty good Atlanta Falcons team 27 - 14 to move above .500 and back into the thick of things in the NFC East. Couple that with the return of Brian Westbrook, who ran for a pair of TDs and a career high 167 yards, and Eagles fans have something positive to look forward to.
Lastly, the Phillies beat Tampa Bay in games 3 and 4 of the World Series to move within one win of bringing Philly it's first championship in my lifetime. Game 3 was one of the most unforgettable games of my life, and game 4 was a slaughter with Ryan Howard hitting home runs and even Joe Blanton (our freaking pticher!) hitting one. That sets us up perfectly for Cole Hamels to pitch the clinching game tonight.
So Penn, PSU, the Flyers, the Eagles, and the Phillies all win all their games this weekend. Best sports weekend of my life? I think that's a resounding yes.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Reaction to Game 3
Game 3 of the World Series was one of the most exciting baseball games I have ever seen. Ever. I don't care if you're not a Phillies fan or a Rays fan. I don't care if you're not a baseball fan. If you're a sports fan you NEED to be watching this World Series. Game 3 had pretty much anything you could want from a baseball game. You had the ageless wonder 45-year old Jamie Moyer pitching his heart out; Chase Utley and Ryan Howard, two of the most exciting players in the game, hit back-to-back home runs; BJ Upton impressed all of the baseball watching public with both his speed and his glove; the young Rays team managed to come back and tie the game against a previosuly un-hittable Philles bullpen with the help of an error from the normally sure-handed Carlos Ruiz; the Phillies getting a runner to third with no outs in the bottom of the ninth, and a wild pitch, an error, and two intentional walks later, winning the game against a five-man infield with an infield single by the slow-as-all-hell Carlos Ruiz. I mean, words can't express the range of emotions that was felt by every Rays and Philies fan as the game progressed. As soon as it ended we all leapt around like it was the middle of a Slayer mosh-pit. Just one hell of a game. It possibly gave me seven heart attacks and a torn meniscus from jumping up and down after we won.... but still a hell of a game.
I had the pleasure of watching the game at a friend's place in South Philly. As soon as the game was over, at approximately quarter to 2 in the freaking morning, we walked a few blocks to get a cheesesteak from Genos (actually prefer Pats personally, but whatever), and the crowd was just amazing. Everyone decked out in their Phillies gear whooping and hollering like a bunch of rabid monkeys - it was fucking awesome. Don't think I've ever been more proud to be in Philly. People seem to underestimate the ability of sports to galvanize a city. I saw people of every creed and color out there celebrating the Phillies victory together. Just a really cool site to behold and one that actually makes me have some faith in humanity. Thank god I'm not still in Texas. It's always more fun to be cheering on your team with your own kinfolk. So thanks Phillies. For a hell of a game and a hell of a night. Two more games and we got the World Series title..... and then this city can really explode.
I had the pleasure of watching the game at a friend's place in South Philly. As soon as the game was over, at approximately quarter to 2 in the freaking morning, we walked a few blocks to get a cheesesteak from Genos (actually prefer Pats personally, but whatever), and the crowd was just amazing. Everyone decked out in their Phillies gear whooping and hollering like a bunch of rabid monkeys - it was fucking awesome. Don't think I've ever been more proud to be in Philly. People seem to underestimate the ability of sports to galvanize a city. I saw people of every creed and color out there celebrating the Phillies victory together. Just a really cool site to behold and one that actually makes me have some faith in humanity. Thank god I'm not still in Texas. It's always more fun to be cheering on your team with your own kinfolk. So thanks Phillies. For a hell of a game and a hell of a night. Two more games and we got the World Series title..... and then this city can really explode.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
An Apology to the Flyers
Philly'a good hockey town and I've always been a big hockey fan. I look forward to the Flyers hitting the ice every October. A lot of people will criticize hockey as being unnecessarily violent or too low scoring, but I'd wager that those people are rather new to the sport of hockey. The fights are a way of self-policing that prevents players from taking cheap shots against the other team's more skilled players, and with the influx of superbly talented players and a change in rules the league is much more high-scoring than it used to be. Hockey would be the hardest sport for me to play. I can barely do anything on ice and I can't imagine running around and swinging a stick while a 6'3 barrel of rage is skating as hard as he can straight at you with the intent of slamming your body into the nearest wall. It's just not gonna happen. The hand-eye coordination of hockey players and the graceful way that they move around the ice is something to behold. I love the sound of metal on ice. And there's nothing more raucous than a Philly hockey crowd. The beginning of hockey season is the true sign that summer has ended and fall has begun, and there could be no more welcoming colors than the orange and black. All that being said, I owe the Flyers an apology.
I've watched maybe two periods of hockey so far. I could make a variety of excuses, but the simple truth is that the Phillies are over-shadowing the Flyers right now. Sorry Flyers, I don't mean to ignore you... but we're in the fucking World Series! That happens like once a generation in this town. I'm emotionally invested in the Phils and Eagles right now, and that leaves me little to offer the Flyers. These are unusual circumstances. By the time the Flyers kick their season off, Philly baseball has usually been dead for a while. But this year was different. I simply wasn't ready. Yeah I know, the Flyers were really damn good last year and look to be a pretty sweet team this year (though their failure to get a win in their first five games doesn't add much confidence to that statement), and I'm sure I'll jump back on the train once the World Series is over, but for now hockey's gonna have to take a backseat. So keep on going Flyers. With any luck, it'll be you guys that I'm watching in June and the Phillies that I'm ignoring. The sports world can be a cruel mistress. It's okay to be jealous, normal even. But no worries, I'm not really cheating - more just playing the field. Your place on the sports back-burner is only momentarily. Come October 30th you'll have me all to yourself... well you guys and the Eagles.... um, and the Sixers...
I've watched maybe two periods of hockey so far. I could make a variety of excuses, but the simple truth is that the Phillies are over-shadowing the Flyers right now. Sorry Flyers, I don't mean to ignore you... but we're in the fucking World Series! That happens like once a generation in this town. I'm emotionally invested in the Phils and Eagles right now, and that leaves me little to offer the Flyers. These are unusual circumstances. By the time the Flyers kick their season off, Philly baseball has usually been dead for a while. But this year was different. I simply wasn't ready. Yeah I know, the Flyers were really damn good last year and look to be a pretty sweet team this year (though their failure to get a win in their first five games doesn't add much confidence to that statement), and I'm sure I'll jump back on the train once the World Series is over, but for now hockey's gonna have to take a backseat. So keep on going Flyers. With any luck, it'll be you guys that I'm watching in June and the Phillies that I'm ignoring. The sports world can be a cruel mistress. It's okay to be jealous, normal even. But no worries, I'm not really cheating - more just playing the field. Your place on the sports back-burner is only momentarily. Come October 30th you'll have me all to yourself... well you guys and the Eagles.... um, and the Sixers...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
9 things that NEED to end
1) Anybody playing/liking/acknowledging Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing
What a completely terrible, awful, god forsaken, no good song. I'm saying this right now: anyone who likes this song knows shit about music. If you take the tongue-in-cheek sexually fused lyrics and blues-y guitar driven music of old-school Aerosmith and take a giant crap on it, light it on fire, throw on more fuel, then piss on the whole flaming mess to put the fire out... you'd get this atrocious music. Early Aerosmith was experimental and influenced countless numbers of young Americans to pick up a guitar. Steven Tyler's voice was truly something to behold (I dare you to listen to Dream On without getting chills). I Don't Wannt Miss A Thing is trite and boring. The lyrics are uninspired and I'm not sure that there actually are any guitars involved in the song. The piece of shit sucks. It just plain fucking sucks. The sad part is that despite playing some absolutely kick-ass songs for over 25 years, the majority of music fans under 30 primarily know Aerosmith for making "that song from Armageddon". I'm not linking to I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. If you really want to hear the horrendous piece of pop mediocrity for yourself, go for it. I for one refuse to admit that one of the best American bands ever had anything to do with the making of this song. So please, can we just stop playing this giant turd of a song and use one of those mind-wiping devices from Men in Black to erase all memories of this terrible piece of shit ever existing? Cool, thanks,
Side note: I know there's a lot of people who like this song. Now, I'm not saying that you should be shot. What I am saying is this: don't ever say you have any taste in music. Don't ever claim to have any discernible musical knowledge. Cause if you like this song, then you don't. Case closed.
2) Heelys/Crocs
What the fuck's wrong with sneakers or flip-flops? Crocs are the dumbest things ever. What's the damned point of an ugly, bright neon shoe-type object with holes in it? And Heelys are even worse. Who hasn't been cut-off by some five year old punk kid wearing a pair of these obnoxious fucks? What happened to walking? As a society do we now need wheels on our fucking shoes just to get around?? And they wonder why kids are fat! I'm waiting for the first Heelys related death. It'll probably be from me... when I'm walking down a sidewalk and push a stupid kid wearing a pair of those things into an oncoming bus. Maybe next time get something with rockets you little turd!
3) Preppy Clothing
If you live anywhere that has perceived "trendy" people with expendable money (a high end mall, any ivy league campus, California) you know exactly what i'm talking about. You have guys walking around in shorts, sandals, polos and aviators, and girls in uggs and, of course, aviators. Now, it's not the clothes and accessories themselves that piss me off (granted, I do wanna jab a stick into the eye of anybody wearing aviators -why in the name of fuck do you need a pair of novelty, over-sized sunglasses?), it's the fact that you have all these people wearing the same fucking thing. Sure, they may be from different stores, but all the shit looks the same. When did originality become a bad thing? Is creativity as we know it dead? You wear that preppy shit and what you're basically telling me is 'you really wanna fit in.' There's no other reason to wear clothes like that. None at all. You simply wanna be part of the "popular" crowd. If that's what they want, then I guess so be it, but for once, it'd be nice to see people try and be different. For once I'd like to see the mice try and actually escape the maze rather than simply going for the cheese.
4) Kidrock
Kidrock fucking sucks. Always has, always will. How he has succeeded with so little talent is beyond my comprehension. Kid's made terrible music before, but he took it to another level with All Summer Long. That awful excuse for music is a disgrace to both Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Show some respect you pretentious asshole and stop making fucking horrible music. I hope you get syphillis and your dick falls off.
5) Seether/Nickelback/Puddle of Mudd/ and all those other stupid bands
I can't tell any of these fucking 'new rock' bands apart. They all make the same crappy music. There's whiny ass lyrics, un-original song structure, and average guitar work. They all look the same and use the same guitar chords. They're all the same god damned fucking band! Nothing about them screams 'originality' or 'groundbreaking.' Sadly, this is probably exactly what many of the record companies want. The music-buying public likes what they know; creativity doesn't sell. But seriously, listen to this or this or this or this. Can anybody actually tell these bands apart? They're all carbon copies of each other. This is bullshit. I have a feeling Hendrix, arguably one of the greatest guitarists of all time, wouldn't even be able to get a record contract today. Look, every decade has it's share of shitty music (not counting the ever-present scourge on the musical landscape that is pop music). The early 60s had a lot of cheesy bubble-gum rock bands that basically tried to replicate "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," but you could at least say that these songs made you happy on a rainy day. By the 70s we had disco, a repetitive, conformist music that could make the devil himself repent - but at least when you were strung out on coke that shit could be fun to dance to. In the 80s we were blessed with the putrid display of hedonism and testosterone that was hair metal. Again though, we can find the silver lining in the fact that no one actually took hair metal seriously, plus who doesn't like to get bombed and sing along to "Cherry Pie?" But you listen to the 'modern rock' that's being played on the radio now-a-days, and what exactly does that bring to the table? It's not happy, it's not danceable, and you sure as hell don't wanna go around singing their lyrics. If anything, the music makes me wanna chug a fifth of scotch and take five vicodins. It's just awful, terrible music that has no good qualities. If there's a god it will certainly end soon.
6) Intolerance
Let me start by acknowledging that I have friends of every race/gender/religion/belief/sexual orientation. I'm extremely accepting of whatever people are. I mean, that's who they are. You can't change that. So intolerance in general just boggles my mind. I honestly can't comprehend how you could truly hate someone because of their skin color. There has to be some sort of psychological disconnect within the 'haters' minds that a psychiatrist is gonna need to explain to me. It literally boggles my mind. This is two-thousand and fucking eight! We are educated enough that any sort of intolerance should not be prevalent in society. I mean, we can send people to the moon, we can clone fucking sheep, we can make satellites that look down on us from up in the sky, we can make beef jerky - but yet we still see people killing each other just cause one group might have a different facial structure. What the fuck??! I'm sure there's many people that have never had any issue with discrimination. Well, you've been extremely lucky and, more likely than not, have led an extremely sheltered life. If you're gay and in the deep south, a black guy in an upscale white neighborhood, a white guy walking through an inner city, a non-native American in Gallup - well then, you know all about being discriminated against.
It's safe to say that by and large we have a sort of tiered version of discrimination in this country. Don Imus makes disparaging remarks about blacks, and he's back to work a year later. Mel Gibson makes disparaging remarks about Jews when he's drunk as balls and his career's pretty much hit the shitter. An Oklahoma legislator bashes gays, and it barely even registers on the national radar (seriously, check out this youtube video of her.) So basically what you can gather from this is that disparaging jews is greatly frowned upon, putting down African-Americans is bad, but I guess everybody does it so we'll forgive you if you stay out of the limelight for a year or so, and if you wanna bash gays, well fuck all, have at it! What the hell is that bullshit? Why is homophobia tolerated while other forms of discrimination are villafied? How does two chicks rubbing tacos together really affect anybody's life? It doesn't ! I don't understand people sometimes (okay, most of the time), and as long as there is hate in this world my opinion of humanity will not be very high.
7) Naked Old People
So I'm sure most people have had this scenario occur: you just finished working out, and you're back in the locker room, tying your shoes, ready to leave the place, when walking down the row of lockers is this old dude, butt-ass naked, his balls bouncing around like two wrinkly coconuts blowing in a strong wind. You quickly look away - but it's too late. That image is ingrained into your head.
If that's happened to you, I share your pain.
I don't quite understand what happens to people's brains when they become old. Is all sense of shame just lost? I mean, I would not be okay just walking around a gym naked, giving everybody full-frontal views of my junk. So what the fuck old people? Is it that hard to grab a freaking towel? No one wants to see your shriveled-up shit. And to the old guy that weighs himself naked... fuck you! That is in no way whatsoever necessary. If I wanted to see old people naked I'd find it on the internet. I don't wanna see that in the locker room. I don't give a damn if you are old and senile - if you're able to work out, then you're more than capable of wrapping a fucking towel around your waist.
8) High School Musical
What is this thing? How did this become a huge fucking national phenomenon? The first time I saw that trailer I thought it was one of those stupid spoof movies. I mean, I remember being a kid. I loved the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon.... but we watched good shit. We had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Clarissa Explains it All, and Saved by The Bell growing up. That was some quality television. But kids today watch this High School Musical bullshit? What the fuck's happened to TV? This is beyond retarded. Whenever I have kids, they're being raised on The A-Team. Mr. T can kick Zac Efron's pansy ass any day of the week. I've never seen a second of this thing, nor do I know anyone who has, but I've been bombarded with god-damned commercials for this awful looking crapfest of a movie for weeks. Enough. If I see one more ad for High School Musical in the middle of a football game I will personally fuck up Ashley Tisdale's nose all over again.
Side note: the only reason for any male to see this movie is for Vanessa Hudgens. I would do some terrible things to her
9) The Fact That I Haven't Seen the Kim kardashian Sex Tape
Holy shit! I just heard she had a sex tape. How did no one tell me about this??! Kim kardashian's a babe. This has the possibility to be the second best celebrity sex tape of all time (although in Kim's case I use the term celebrity very loosely). Obviously she's not gonna top the Pamela Anderson - Tommy Lee sex tape, but after that there's a severe drop-off. There's the infamous Paris Hilton tape, which really isn't all that exciting - the night vision does nothing for me. Not all that interested in seeing Colin Farrell naked. Don't think anyone wants to see the Dustin Diamond sex tape. So the number two spot is ripe for the picking.
Side note: this all changes if the Britney sex tape is real. That would easily catapult into the number one spot. I've never paid for porn before, but that could certainly change if Ms. Spears were involved.
What a completely terrible, awful, god forsaken, no good song. I'm saying this right now: anyone who likes this song knows shit about music. If you take the tongue-in-cheek sexually fused lyrics and blues-y guitar driven music of old-school Aerosmith and take a giant crap on it, light it on fire, throw on more fuel, then piss on the whole flaming mess to put the fire out... you'd get this atrocious music. Early Aerosmith was experimental and influenced countless numbers of young Americans to pick up a guitar. Steven Tyler's voice was truly something to behold (I dare you to listen to Dream On without getting chills). I Don't Wannt Miss A Thing is trite and boring. The lyrics are uninspired and I'm not sure that there actually are any guitars involved in the song. The piece of shit sucks. It just plain fucking sucks. The sad part is that despite playing some absolutely kick-ass songs for over 25 years, the majority of music fans under 30 primarily know Aerosmith for making "that song from Armageddon". I'm not linking to I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. If you really want to hear the horrendous piece of pop mediocrity for yourself, go for it. I for one refuse to admit that one of the best American bands ever had anything to do with the making of this song. So please, can we just stop playing this giant turd of a song and use one of those mind-wiping devices from Men in Black to erase all memories of this terrible piece of shit ever existing? Cool, thanks,
Side note: I know there's a lot of people who like this song. Now, I'm not saying that you should be shot. What I am saying is this: don't ever say you have any taste in music. Don't ever claim to have any discernible musical knowledge. Cause if you like this song, then you don't. Case closed.
2) Heelys/Crocs
What the fuck's wrong with sneakers or flip-flops? Crocs are the dumbest things ever. What's the damned point of an ugly, bright neon shoe-type object with holes in it? And Heelys are even worse. Who hasn't been cut-off by some five year old punk kid wearing a pair of these obnoxious fucks? What happened to walking? As a society do we now need wheels on our fucking shoes just to get around?? And they wonder why kids are fat! I'm waiting for the first Heelys related death. It'll probably be from me... when I'm walking down a sidewalk and push a stupid kid wearing a pair of those things into an oncoming bus. Maybe next time get something with rockets you little turd!
3) Preppy Clothing
If you live anywhere that has perceived "trendy" people with expendable money (a high end mall, any ivy league campus, California) you know exactly what i'm talking about. You have guys walking around in shorts, sandals, polos and aviators, and girls in uggs and, of course, aviators. Now, it's not the clothes and accessories themselves that piss me off (granted, I do wanna jab a stick into the eye of anybody wearing aviators -why in the name of fuck do you need a pair of novelty, over-sized sunglasses?), it's the fact that you have all these people wearing the same fucking thing. Sure, they may be from different stores, but all the shit looks the same. When did originality become a bad thing? Is creativity as we know it dead? You wear that preppy shit and what you're basically telling me is 'you really wanna fit in.' There's no other reason to wear clothes like that. None at all. You simply wanna be part of the "popular" crowd. If that's what they want, then I guess so be it, but for once, it'd be nice to see people try and be different. For once I'd like to see the mice try and actually escape the maze rather than simply going for the cheese.
4) Kidrock
Kidrock fucking sucks. Always has, always will. How he has succeeded with so little talent is beyond my comprehension. Kid's made terrible music before, but he took it to another level with All Summer Long. That awful excuse for music is a disgrace to both Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Show some respect you pretentious asshole and stop making fucking horrible music. I hope you get syphillis and your dick falls off.
5) Seether/Nickelback/Puddle of Mudd/ and all those other stupid bands
I can't tell any of these fucking 'new rock' bands apart. They all make the same crappy music. There's whiny ass lyrics, un-original song structure, and average guitar work. They all look the same and use the same guitar chords. They're all the same god damned fucking band! Nothing about them screams 'originality' or 'groundbreaking.' Sadly, this is probably exactly what many of the record companies want. The music-buying public likes what they know; creativity doesn't sell. But seriously, listen to this or this or this or this. Can anybody actually tell these bands apart? They're all carbon copies of each other. This is bullshit. I have a feeling Hendrix, arguably one of the greatest guitarists of all time, wouldn't even be able to get a record contract today. Look, every decade has it's share of shitty music (not counting the ever-present scourge on the musical landscape that is pop music). The early 60s had a lot of cheesy bubble-gum rock bands that basically tried to replicate "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," but you could at least say that these songs made you happy on a rainy day. By the 70s we had disco, a repetitive, conformist music that could make the devil himself repent - but at least when you were strung out on coke that shit could be fun to dance to. In the 80s we were blessed with the putrid display of hedonism and testosterone that was hair metal. Again though, we can find the silver lining in the fact that no one actually took hair metal seriously, plus who doesn't like to get bombed and sing along to "Cherry Pie?" But you listen to the 'modern rock' that's being played on the radio now-a-days, and what exactly does that bring to the table? It's not happy, it's not danceable, and you sure as hell don't wanna go around singing their lyrics. If anything, the music makes me wanna chug a fifth of scotch and take five vicodins. It's just awful, terrible music that has no good qualities. If there's a god it will certainly end soon.
6) Intolerance
Let me start by acknowledging that I have friends of every race/gender/religion/belief/sexual orientation. I'm extremely accepting of whatever people are. I mean, that's who they are. You can't change that. So intolerance in general just boggles my mind. I honestly can't comprehend how you could truly hate someone because of their skin color. There has to be some sort of psychological disconnect within the 'haters' minds that a psychiatrist is gonna need to explain to me. It literally boggles my mind. This is two-thousand and fucking eight! We are educated enough that any sort of intolerance should not be prevalent in society. I mean, we can send people to the moon, we can clone fucking sheep, we can make satellites that look down on us from up in the sky, we can make beef jerky - but yet we still see people killing each other just cause one group might have a different facial structure. What the fuck??! I'm sure there's many people that have never had any issue with discrimination. Well, you've been extremely lucky and, more likely than not, have led an extremely sheltered life. If you're gay and in the deep south, a black guy in an upscale white neighborhood, a white guy walking through an inner city, a non-native American in Gallup - well then, you know all about being discriminated against.
It's safe to say that by and large we have a sort of tiered version of discrimination in this country. Don Imus makes disparaging remarks about blacks, and he's back to work a year later. Mel Gibson makes disparaging remarks about Jews when he's drunk as balls and his career's pretty much hit the shitter. An Oklahoma legislator bashes gays, and it barely even registers on the national radar (seriously, check out this youtube video of her.) So basically what you can gather from this is that disparaging jews is greatly frowned upon, putting down African-Americans is bad, but I guess everybody does it so we'll forgive you if you stay out of the limelight for a year or so, and if you wanna bash gays, well fuck all, have at it! What the hell is that bullshit? Why is homophobia tolerated while other forms of discrimination are villafied? How does two chicks rubbing tacos together really affect anybody's life? It doesn't ! I don't understand people sometimes (okay, most of the time), and as long as there is hate in this world my opinion of humanity will not be very high.
7) Naked Old People
So I'm sure most people have had this scenario occur: you just finished working out, and you're back in the locker room, tying your shoes, ready to leave the place, when walking down the row of lockers is this old dude, butt-ass naked, his balls bouncing around like two wrinkly coconuts blowing in a strong wind. You quickly look away - but it's too late. That image is ingrained into your head.
If that's happened to you, I share your pain.
I don't quite understand what happens to people's brains when they become old. Is all sense of shame just lost? I mean, I would not be okay just walking around a gym naked, giving everybody full-frontal views of my junk. So what the fuck old people? Is it that hard to grab a freaking towel? No one wants to see your shriveled-up shit. And to the old guy that weighs himself naked... fuck you! That is in no way whatsoever necessary. If I wanted to see old people naked I'd find it on the internet. I don't wanna see that in the locker room. I don't give a damn if you are old and senile - if you're able to work out, then you're more than capable of wrapping a fucking towel around your waist.
8) High School Musical
What is this thing? How did this become a huge fucking national phenomenon? The first time I saw that trailer I thought it was one of those stupid spoof movies. I mean, I remember being a kid. I loved the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon.... but we watched good shit. We had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Clarissa Explains it All, and Saved by The Bell growing up. That was some quality television. But kids today watch this High School Musical bullshit? What the fuck's happened to TV? This is beyond retarded. Whenever I have kids, they're being raised on The A-Team. Mr. T can kick Zac Efron's pansy ass any day of the week. I've never seen a second of this thing, nor do I know anyone who has, but I've been bombarded with god-damned commercials for this awful looking crapfest of a movie for weeks. Enough. If I see one more ad for High School Musical in the middle of a football game I will personally fuck up Ashley Tisdale's nose all over again.
Side note: the only reason for any male to see this movie is for Vanessa Hudgens. I would do some terrible things to her
9) The Fact That I Haven't Seen the Kim kardashian Sex Tape
Holy shit! I just heard she had a sex tape. How did no one tell me about this??! Kim kardashian's a babe. This has the possibility to be the second best celebrity sex tape of all time (although in Kim's case I use the term celebrity very loosely). Obviously she's not gonna top the Pamela Anderson - Tommy Lee sex tape, but after that there's a severe drop-off. There's the infamous Paris Hilton tape, which really isn't all that exciting - the night vision does nothing for me. Not all that interested in seeing Colin Farrell naked. Don't think anyone wants to see the Dustin Diamond sex tape. So the number two spot is ripe for the picking.
Side note: this all changes if the Britney sex tape is real. That would easily catapult into the number one spot. I've never paid for porn before, but that could certainly change if Ms. Spears were involved.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A Change in Color
For as long as I can remember, Philadelphia has been a football town. Yeah, we cared about the Phillies, Flyers, and Sixers, but this place lived and died with the Eagles. The vicissitudes of the football season would directly influence the happiness level of an entire city, changing each week with a win or, heaven forbid, a loss. It sounds trite, but this city truly did bleed green.... emphasis on the word did. With the Phillies on the brink of playing for their second World Series in my lifetime, it seems that a sea change is on the horizon in the city of brotherly love.
After their ridiculous win yesterday, the Phillies are up on the Dodgers 3 games to 1. Despite a history of epic meltdowns, I'm confident we'll beat LA and reach the World Series (knock on wood). Once we make it there, the Phils have an excellent chance of beating either the Red Sox or the Rays. If that happens.... this city will explode. I mean FUCKING EXPLODE. There's god odds there will be rioting... which, honestly, I'm kind of fine with. It's been 25 god-damned, long as fuck, cursed to hell years since Philly's won anything, and all the spent up emotion and frustration will release itself like a typhoon. Now, whether the Phils ultimately win the World Series or not, the change of tide could already be in affect - instead of McNabb jerseys, we'll be seeing Utley, instead of Westbrook, we'll have Howard, instead of Dawkins, we'll see Hamels. The Eagles players that have defined the team over the last ten years are starting to get old. Dawkins is 35 and is no longer the force he once was; Akers can't seem to make a field goal over 40 yards and I'd be surprised if this wasn't his final year in an Eagles uniform; and McNabb's seemingly ever-threatened role as Eagles quarterback could finally come to an end after this season if the team can't find a way to win the Super Bowl. Many of the Phillies players are hitting the primes of their careers, and with an absolute stud of a pitcher in Hamels and a killer closer in Lidge, the Phils could be a team to contend with for the forseeable future (I only see short distances).
Philly fans can only take so much heartbreak and fuck-ups, and since andy Reid came to town, no team has brought us more of both than the birds. Sure the Eagles got to 4 NFC title games.... but they then proceeded to lose three of them (two of which, I'll still argue, where the Eagles were the better team). Then they get to the Super Bowl, keep it close, give us hope.... only to run the shittiest two-minute drill in the history of the Super Bowl. Compound that with Reid's refusal to run despite having one of the best offensive lines and running backs in the game, and the constant lack of a big game wide receiver (Terrell Owens notwithstanding), and I think it's safe to say that we've just about given up on the Eagles winning anything with the team as it's currently constituted. I love the Eagles....but you can only hurt me so much until I have to say 'enough already.' It seems that the Age of the Phillies is ready to rise. The Phils are primed and ready to reach the world series, and this current squad has brought us only joy rather than heartbreak. Game five's tomorrow, and you can be sure I'll be wearing my Phillies cap and my Utley jersey. Bleed red Philly, bleed red.
After their ridiculous win yesterday, the Phillies are up on the Dodgers 3 games to 1. Despite a history of epic meltdowns, I'm confident we'll beat LA and reach the World Series (knock on wood). Once we make it there, the Phils have an excellent chance of beating either the Red Sox or the Rays. If that happens.... this city will explode. I mean FUCKING EXPLODE. There's god odds there will be rioting... which, honestly, I'm kind of fine with. It's been 25 god-damned, long as fuck, cursed to hell years since Philly's won anything, and all the spent up emotion and frustration will release itself like a typhoon. Now, whether the Phils ultimately win the World Series or not, the change of tide could already be in affect - instead of McNabb jerseys, we'll be seeing Utley, instead of Westbrook, we'll have Howard, instead of Dawkins, we'll see Hamels. The Eagles players that have defined the team over the last ten years are starting to get old. Dawkins is 35 and is no longer the force he once was; Akers can't seem to make a field goal over 40 yards and I'd be surprised if this wasn't his final year in an Eagles uniform; and McNabb's seemingly ever-threatened role as Eagles quarterback could finally come to an end after this season if the team can't find a way to win the Super Bowl. Many of the Phillies players are hitting the primes of their careers, and with an absolute stud of a pitcher in Hamels and a killer closer in Lidge, the Phils could be a team to contend with for the forseeable future (I only see short distances).
Philly fans can only take so much heartbreak and fuck-ups, and since andy Reid came to town, no team has brought us more of both than the birds. Sure the Eagles got to 4 NFC title games.... but they then proceeded to lose three of them (two of which, I'll still argue, where the Eagles were the better team). Then they get to the Super Bowl, keep it close, give us hope.... only to run the shittiest two-minute drill in the history of the Super Bowl. Compound that with Reid's refusal to run despite having one of the best offensive lines and running backs in the game, and the constant lack of a big game wide receiver (Terrell Owens notwithstanding), and I think it's safe to say that we've just about given up on the Eagles winning anything with the team as it's currently constituted. I love the Eagles....but you can only hurt me so much until I have to say 'enough already.' It seems that the Age of the Phillies is ready to rise. The Phils are primed and ready to reach the world series, and this current squad has brought us only joy rather than heartbreak. Game five's tomorrow, and you can be sure I'll be wearing my Phillies cap and my Utley jersey. Bleed red Philly, bleed red.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Baseball Playoffs
The baseball playoffs start today, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. The Phillies made the playoffs last year, but this season's different; we're hungrier, more experienced, have a more talented bullpen and bench, and are just a better put together team. Plus, as opposed to last year when we faced the Rockies, we're the hot team entering this post-season. I have high expectations for this Phillies team.
Anyways, here are my predictions for the first round of the MLB playoffs:
Chicago vs. Tampa Bay:
Do the White Sox actually have any pitching? We know they can hit, but with Griffey and Thome they're an older team. Tampa Bay has been good all year, but they have no playoff experience, which can't be taken for granted. Tampa might not make it to the World Series, but they shouldn't have too much trouble beating what has to be an emotionally spent White Sox team.
Tampa Bay wins 3 - 1
Boston vs. Los Angeles:
This is going to be an awesome series. The Angels are absolutely stacked with pitching, having Saunders, Lackey, Santana and K-Rod. On the other side, the Sox have an awesome line-up with Ortiz, Pedroia, Youkilis and the piece of utter crap that is J.D. Drew. The difference in the series will be that the Sox also have great pitching with Matsuzaka, Lester, Papelbon and the unbelievably clutch Josh Beckett. The Angels have Vladamir, Mark Teixeira, and the ever-aging Garret Anderson, but I have my doubts that players like Kendrick and Figgins will be able to sufficiently set the table.
Boston wins 3 - 2
Chicago vs. Los Angeles
So the Dodgers head into the playoffs smoking hot, but can you name anyone on their team aside from Manny Ramirez? James Loney leads LA in RBIs. Who?... exactly. Billingsley's a good pitcher, and you never want to count out Derek Lowe or Greg Maddux, but how exactly is this team going to take out the Cubs? With Soriano, Ramirez, Lee and Theriot, the Cubs have a pretty scary offense; plus Zambrano, Lilly, Dempster (when the fuck did he become good??), and Wood give them a formidable set of pitchers. It's possible that the Dodgers young players like Kemp and Martin might explode when they reach the playoffs, but I think that's a stretch.
Chicago wins 3 - 1
Philadelphia vs. Milwaukee
The Phillies are coming in on a roll and full of confidence. Howard, Utley, Rollins, and Burrell create an imposing lineup, and Brad Lidge hasn't blown a save all year. What worries me is the tendency for the Phils offense to go limp at certain times. But since September started, Ryan Howard has been hitting everything, and when he's going strong there's very little opposing pitchers can do to slow him down. Milwaukee fought hard to get into the playoffs, (and I was totally cheering for them over the New York - suck it Mets fans!) but I just can't see them having enough offense or pitching to beat the Phillies. Aside from Sabathia, none of their pitchers put the fear of god in me, and do they really have anyone that can drive in a run other than Braun or the fat fuck that is Prince Fielder? I'm happy that the Brewers made the playoffs... and happier that we shouldn't have too much trouble with them.
Philadelphia wins 3 - 1
On a related note, the NL MVP debate seems to be between Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols. If the Cardinals managed to get in the playoffs obviously it would be an easy choice, but with them missing, and Ryan Howard having an incredible September, as usual, many are contemplating a choice between the two first basemen. Let me just say that I love Ryan Howard. He goes great with this city and he always seems to get a big hit when we need one (I hate to make the David Ortiz comparison, but it's right there for the taking). He's one of my favorite players to watch bat and I never change the channel if he's up. Howard led the league in home runs and RBIs and we don't come close to the playoffs without him. That being said, I think Pujols should win the MVP award.
Compare Howard to Pujols. Pujols batted over 100 points higher than Howard while striking out 150 times less. That is freaking insane. Then you have to take into account the face that Pujols is an excellent defender while Howard led NL first basemen in errors comitted. It's intrinsically unfair to penalize Pujols for having an inferior team around him. I'm sure the fact that the Phils have won the last two MVP awards (Howard in 2006 and Rollins in 2007) is affecting my decision to go with Pujols, but the stats really speak for themselves. I would never get rid of Ryan in a million years, but as far as the MVP award goes, do the right thing voters and give it to Pujols.
Anyways, here are my predictions for the first round of the MLB playoffs:
Chicago vs. Tampa Bay:
Do the White Sox actually have any pitching? We know they can hit, but with Griffey and Thome they're an older team. Tampa Bay has been good all year, but they have no playoff experience, which can't be taken for granted. Tampa might not make it to the World Series, but they shouldn't have too much trouble beating what has to be an emotionally spent White Sox team.
Tampa Bay wins 3 - 1
Boston vs. Los Angeles:
This is going to be an awesome series. The Angels are absolutely stacked with pitching, having Saunders, Lackey, Santana and K-Rod. On the other side, the Sox have an awesome line-up with Ortiz, Pedroia, Youkilis and the piece of utter crap that is J.D. Drew. The difference in the series will be that the Sox also have great pitching with Matsuzaka, Lester, Papelbon and the unbelievably clutch Josh Beckett. The Angels have Vladamir, Mark Teixeira, and the ever-aging Garret Anderson, but I have my doubts that players like Kendrick and Figgins will be able to sufficiently set the table.
Boston wins 3 - 2
Chicago vs. Los Angeles
So the Dodgers head into the playoffs smoking hot, but can you name anyone on their team aside from Manny Ramirez? James Loney leads LA in RBIs. Who?... exactly. Billingsley's a good pitcher, and you never want to count out Derek Lowe or Greg Maddux, but how exactly is this team going to take out the Cubs? With Soriano, Ramirez, Lee and Theriot, the Cubs have a pretty scary offense; plus Zambrano, Lilly, Dempster (when the fuck did he become good??), and Wood give them a formidable set of pitchers. It's possible that the Dodgers young players like Kemp and Martin might explode when they reach the playoffs, but I think that's a stretch.
Chicago wins 3 - 1
Philadelphia vs. Milwaukee
The Phillies are coming in on a roll and full of confidence. Howard, Utley, Rollins, and Burrell create an imposing lineup, and Brad Lidge hasn't blown a save all year. What worries me is the tendency for the Phils offense to go limp at certain times. But since September started, Ryan Howard has been hitting everything, and when he's going strong there's very little opposing pitchers can do to slow him down. Milwaukee fought hard to get into the playoffs, (and I was totally cheering for them over the New York - suck it Mets fans!) but I just can't see them having enough offense or pitching to beat the Phillies. Aside from Sabathia, none of their pitchers put the fear of god in me, and do they really have anyone that can drive in a run other than Braun or the fat fuck that is Prince Fielder? I'm happy that the Brewers made the playoffs... and happier that we shouldn't have too much trouble with them.
Philadelphia wins 3 - 1
On a related note, the NL MVP debate seems to be between Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols. If the Cardinals managed to get in the playoffs obviously it would be an easy choice, but with them missing, and Ryan Howard having an incredible September, as usual, many are contemplating a choice between the two first basemen. Let me just say that I love Ryan Howard. He goes great with this city and he always seems to get a big hit when we need one (I hate to make the David Ortiz comparison, but it's right there for the taking). He's one of my favorite players to watch bat and I never change the channel if he's up. Howard led the league in home runs and RBIs and we don't come close to the playoffs without him. That being said, I think Pujols should win the MVP award.
Compare Howard to Pujols. Pujols batted over 100 points higher than Howard while striking out 150 times less. That is freaking insane. Then you have to take into account the face that Pujols is an excellent defender while Howard led NL first basemen in errors comitted. It's intrinsically unfair to penalize Pujols for having an inferior team around him. I'm sure the fact that the Phils have won the last two MVP awards (Howard in 2006 and Rollins in 2007) is affecting my decision to go with Pujols, but the stats really speak for themselves. I would never get rid of Ryan in a million years, but as far as the MVP award goes, do the right thing voters and give it to Pujols.
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