9 things that NEED to end

1) Anybody playing/liking/acknowledging Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

What a completely terrible, awful, god forsaken, no good song. I'm saying this right now: anyone who likes this song knows shit about music. If you take the tongue-in-cheek sexually fused lyrics and blues-y guitar driven music of old-school Aerosmith and take a giant crap on it, light it on fire, throw on more fuel, then piss on the whole flaming mess to put the fire out... you'd get this atrocious music. Early Aerosmith was experimental and influenced countless numbers of young Americans to pick up a guitar. Steven Tyler's voice was truly something to behold (I dare you to listen to Dream On without getting chills). I Don't Wannt Miss A Thing is trite and boring. The lyrics are uninspired and I'm not sure that there actually are any guitars involved in the song. The piece of shit sucks. It just plain fucking sucks. The sad part is that despite playing some absolutely kick-ass songs for over 25 years, the majority of music fans under 30 primarily know Aerosmith for making "that song from Armageddon". I'm not linking to I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. If you really want to hear the horrendous piece of pop mediocrity for yourself, go for it. I for one refuse to admit that one of the best American bands ever had anything to do with the making of this song. So please, can we just stop playing this giant turd of a song and use one of those mind-wiping devices from Men in Black to erase all memories of this terrible piece of shit ever existing? Cool, thanks,

Side note: I know there's a lot of people who like this song. Now, I'm not saying that you should be shot. What I am saying is this: don't ever say you have any taste in music. Don't ever claim to have any discernible musical knowledge. Cause if you like this song, then you don't. Case closed.

2) Heelys/Crocs

What the fuck's wrong with sneakers or flip-flops? Crocs are the dumbest things ever. What's the damned point of an ugly, bright neon shoe-type object with holes in it? And Heelys are even worse. Who hasn't been cut-off by some five year old punk kid wearing a pair of these obnoxious fucks? What happened to walking? As a society do we now need wheels on our fucking shoes just to get around?? And they wonder why kids are fat! I'm waiting for the first Heelys related death. It'll probably be from me... when I'm walking down a sidewalk and push a stupid kid wearing a pair of those things into an oncoming bus. Maybe next time get something with rockets you little turd!

3) Preppy Clothing

If you live anywhere that has perceived "trendy" people with expendable money (a high end mall, any ivy league campus, California) you know exactly what i'm talking about. You have guys walking around in shorts, sandals, polos and aviators, and girls in uggs and, of course, aviators. Now, it's not the clothes and accessories themselves that piss me off (granted, I do wanna jab a stick into the eye of anybody wearing aviators -why in the name of fuck do you need a pair of novelty, over-sized sunglasses?), it's the fact that you have all these people wearing the same fucking thing. Sure, they may be from different stores, but all the shit looks the same. When did originality become a bad thing? Is creativity as we know it dead? You wear that preppy shit and what you're basically telling me is 'you really wanna fit in.' There's no other reason to wear clothes like that. None at all. You simply wanna be part of the "popular" crowd. If that's what they want, then I guess so be it, but for once, it'd be nice to see people try and be different. For once I'd like to see the mice try and actually escape the maze rather than simply going for the cheese.

4) Kidrock

Kidrock fucking sucks. Always has, always will. How he has succeeded with so little talent is beyond my comprehension. Kid's made terrible music before, but he took it to another level with All Summer Long. That awful excuse for music is a disgrace to both Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Show some respect you pretentious asshole and stop making fucking horrible music. I hope you get syphillis and your dick falls off.

5) Seether/Nickelback/Puddle of Mudd/ and all those other stupid bands

I can't tell any of these fucking 'new rock' bands apart. They all make the same crappy music. There's whiny ass lyrics, un-original song structure, and average guitar work. They all look the same and use the same guitar chords. They're all the same god damned fucking band! Nothing about them screams 'originality' or 'groundbreaking.' Sadly, this is probably exactly what many of the record companies want. The music-buying public likes what they know; creativity doesn't sell. But seriously, listen to this or this or this or this. Can anybody actually tell these bands apart? They're all carbon copies of each other. This is bullshit. I have a feeling Hendrix, arguably one of the greatest guitarists of all time, wouldn't even be able to get a record contract today. Look, every decade has it's share of shitty music (not counting the ever-present scourge on the musical landscape that is pop music). The early 60s had a lot of cheesy bubble-gum rock bands that basically tried to replicate "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," but you could at least say that these songs made you happy on a rainy day. By the 70s we had disco, a repetitive, conformist music that could make the devil himself repent - but at least when you were strung out on coke that shit could be fun to dance to. In the 80s we were blessed with the putrid display of hedonism and testosterone that was hair metal. Again though, we can find the silver lining in the fact that no one actually took hair metal seriously, plus who doesn't like to get bombed and sing along to "Cherry Pie?" But you listen to the 'modern rock' that's being played on the radio now-a-days, and what exactly does that bring to the table? It's not happy, it's not danceable, and you sure as hell don't wanna go around singing their lyrics. If anything, the music makes me wanna chug a fifth of scotch and take five vicodins. It's just awful, terrible music that has no good qualities. If there's a god it will certainly end soon.

6) Intolerance

Let me start by acknowledging that I have friends of every race/gender/religion/belief/sexual orientation. I'm extremely accepting of whatever people are. I mean, that's who they are. You can't change that. So intolerance in general just boggles my mind. I honestly can't comprehend how you could truly hate someone because of their skin color. There has to be some sort of psychological disconnect within the 'haters' minds that a psychiatrist is gonna need to explain to me. It literally boggles my mind. This is two-thousand and fucking eight! We are educated enough that any sort of intolerance should not be prevalent in society. I mean, we can send people to the moon, we can clone fucking sheep, we can make satellites that look down on us from up in the sky, we can make beef jerky - but yet we still see people killing each other just cause one group might have a different facial structure. What the fuck??! I'm sure there's many people that have never had any issue with discrimination. Well, you've been extremely lucky and, more likely than not, have led an extremely sheltered life. If you're gay and in the deep south, a black guy in an upscale white neighborhood, a white guy walking through an inner city, a non-native American in Gallup - well then, you know all about being discriminated against.
It's safe to say that by and large we have a sort of tiered version of discrimination in this country. Don Imus makes disparaging remarks about blacks, and he's back to work a year later. Mel Gibson makes disparaging remarks about Jews when he's drunk as balls and his career's pretty much hit the shitter. An Oklahoma legislator bashes gays, and it barely even registers on the national radar (seriously, check out this youtube video of her.) So basically what you can gather from this is that disparaging jews is greatly frowned upon, putting down African-Americans is bad, but I guess everybody does it so we'll forgive you if you stay out of the limelight for a year or so, and if you wanna bash gays, well fuck all, have at it! What the hell is that bullshit? Why is homophobia tolerated while other forms of discrimination are villafied? How does two chicks rubbing tacos together really affect anybody's life? It doesn't ! I don't understand people sometimes (okay, most of the time), and as long as there is hate in this world my opinion of humanity will not be very high.

7) Naked Old People

So I'm sure most people have had this scenario occur: you just finished working out, and you're back in the locker room, tying your shoes, ready to leave the place, when walking down the row of lockers is this old dude, butt-ass naked, his balls bouncing around like two wrinkly coconuts blowing in a strong wind. You quickly look away - but it's too late. That image is ingrained into your head.
If that's happened to you, I share your pain.
I don't quite understand what happens to people's brains when they become old. Is all sense of shame just lost? I mean, I would not be okay just walking around a gym naked, giving everybody full-frontal views of my junk. So what the fuck old people? Is it that hard to grab a freaking towel? No one wants to see your shriveled-up shit. And to the old guy that weighs himself naked... fuck you! That is in no way whatsoever necessary. If I wanted to see old people naked I'd find it on the internet. I don't wanna see that in the locker room. I don't give a damn if you are old and senile - if you're able to work out, then you're more than capable of wrapping a fucking towel around your waist.

8) High School Musical

What is this thing? How did this become a huge fucking national phenomenon? The first time I saw that trailer I thought it was one of those stupid spoof movies. I mean, I remember being a kid. I loved the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon.... but we watched good shit. We had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Clarissa Explains it All, and Saved by The Bell growing up. That was some quality television. But kids today watch this High School Musical bullshit? What the fuck's happened to TV? This is beyond retarded. Whenever I have kids, they're being raised on The A-Team. Mr. T can kick Zac Efron's pansy ass any day of the week. I've never seen a second of this thing, nor do I know anyone who has, but I've been bombarded with god-damned commercials for this awful looking crapfest of a movie for weeks. Enough. If I see one more ad for High School Musical in the middle of a football game I will personally fuck up Ashley Tisdale's nose all over again.

Side note: the only reason for any male to see this movie is for Vanessa Hudgens. I would do some terrible things to her

9) The Fact That I Haven't Seen the Kim kardashian Sex Tape

Holy shit! I just heard she had a sex tape. How did no one tell me about this??! Kim kardashian's a babe. This has the possibility to be the second best celebrity sex tape of all time (although in Kim's case I use the term celebrity very loosely). Obviously she's not gonna top the Pamela Anderson - Tommy Lee sex tape, but after that there's a severe drop-off. There's the infamous Paris Hilton tape, which really isn't all that exciting - the night vision does nothing for me. Not all that interested in seeing Colin Farrell naked. Don't think anyone wants to see the Dustin Diamond sex tape. So the number two spot is ripe for the picking.

Side note: this all changes if the Britney sex tape is real. That would easily catapult into the number one spot. I've never paid for porn before, but that could certainly change if Ms. Spears were involved.