The Super Fraud??

just give us a little bit of soul now, just give us a little bit of soul and here we go!
overload and explode! misdirection - insurrection - with the conspiracy yeah

International Noise Conspiracy - The Blast Off

So while I was laying in a fever induced stupor a few days ago, some hazy thoughts filtered into my head; some hazy Super Bowl thoughts that at once made everything crystal clear: the Super Bowl was fixed! Now, before you dismiss this as some X-Files bullshit, just think about it.
The Patriots were clearly the better team, I don't think anyone will deny this. This is a team that went 18 and 0..... 18 and 0! And then they just come out flat for the freeking Super Bowl? I don't think so. How do you explain that? Clearly they were drugged. By whom you might ask? How about none other than Mr. NFL Commissioner himself, Roger Goodell! Now you might be saying "wait, even if they didn't come out flat, Bill Belichick's horrendous play calling would have doomed than anyways..." Well here's the kicker: Belichick was in on it too!
The ongoing 'Spygate' controversy had been a headache for Goodell, and whatever he saw on those tapes caused him enough consternation to promptly have them destroyed.... or so he says. What if these videos were so incredibly damning of Belichick that Goodell secretly kept them as baggage to hold over Bill's head? Think about it. With all the bad publicity sports, and the NFL in general, has been getting, Goodell NEEDED something to take people's minds off all the nastiness and onto the actual game. Luckily for Roger, the Pats took off hot and never really stopped. The quest for a perfect regular season captivated audiences and sports media outlets. Viewer numbers were gigantic. This was great for Goodell... except for the fact that everyone hated this team.
Everyone needs a bad guy; it's what makes for epic battles. David had Goliath, Rocky had Drago, G.I. Joe had Cobra. Would the Miracle on Ice have been as famous or as big of a deal if we were playing someone other than the hated Russians? I think not. No one even remembers who we actually played in the gold medal game (Finland or Sweden or some Scandinavian team that we would obliterate in a war). So you need the bad guy... but the bad guy has to lose. The Patriots winning would have pissed off everyone outside of Boston and, simply put, turned people off of football for a while. Pats in the Suer Bowl = good, but Pats winning the Super Bowl = bad. Enter Goodell and his tapes.
So Roger takes Belichick aside, tells him he has the tapes and will fuck him over if he argues. The team will get poisoned, Belichick's play calling has to suck, the Giants have to win. So Belichick has no choice but to accept the offer. How else do you explain the sudden passivity of the Patriots offense? What other reason could there be for Belichick being out-coached by Tom Coughlin?
It seems that Goodell's heinous plan worked. The Super Bowl was the second most watched US program of all time. And now people are legitimately excited for the off-season. "If the fuckin Giants could win, then why not us??" Plus everyone's waiting to see what happens to the mighty Patriots, like Germany after World War II. So that is it. The Super Bowl was a set-up. The Pats were fucked over by their commissioner and their coach. Why has no one noticed? Well if you had Brady's three rings and were pounding Brazilian models on a regular basis, you'd probably be pretty content yourself. As for the rest of the country: simple, they HATE the Patriots. We see what we want to see, and we 'saw' the Patriots lose fair and square. But think again. The plot was dubious and clever. No one cares when the bad guy gets screwed over. Next time, though, it could be your team. It could be the Arizona Cardinals getting screwed. Or the Oakland Raiders. Where will Roger stop??! I'm on to you Goodell. You may have pulled a fast one on the rest of the country, but I've uncovered your nefarious scheme. I bet you're the one that gave me that fever in the first place. Well, those 8 tabs of Nyquil showed you!

Post - Super Bowl Thoughts

So I'm a day late, but I felt like death yesterday...

Hahahahahahahaha.... yup, that's me laughing at the Pats. 18....and 1. That's what you get you cocky motherfuckers. Between Spygate and the utter lack of sportsmanship, the Pats deserved to lose. Honestly, I hate both of these teams. If possible, I would've liked both of them to lose, but having to pick one I had to go with the Giants. Did I think they could pull it off in a million years? Hell no! I mean, Eli? Seriously? How did that happen? The answer is simple: karma. You pull enough shit it will come back to haunt you. Bill Belichick acted dick-like throughout the season and ultimately the Pats paid for it. Well that's what you get. What a fucking unlikable team. They got EXACTLY what they deserved. Go cry to Gisele, Brady. Go chew on your hoodie, Belichick. Go use more HGH, Harrison. Go sulk like you always do, Moss. Cry into your baked beans, Boston. Between the World Series titles and the Celts you bastards have become insufferable. For once, it seems, sports justice is served.

So it's come to my attention that a large number of Giants fans have suddenly 'emerged' in Philly. Fuck that shit. If you didn't have the guts to wear your team's jersey before you have no right to wear them just cause your team won the title. That's bullshit. That's not being a true fan, that's just being a front-running bastard. I despise that shit. If you're gonna support your team you support them through the thick and thin, not only when they're winning. Front-runners are a disgrace to themselves and to their city. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Your jersey should be ripped from your back and you should be flogged.

The Gang Mentality

Its only cos you came here with your brothers too
If you came here on your own you'd be dead
Raise a glass or two
You raise a fist or two
Get a shopping basket wrapped round your head

So here we go with the letter
Oh can you fix it for me
24 hour drinking
To keep us all off the streets

So tonight you'll sleep softly in your bed

We are the angry mob
We read the papers everyday
We like who we like
We hate who we hate
But we're also easily swayed
We are the angry mob
We read the papers everyday
We like who we like
We hate who we hate
But we're also easily swayed

Kaiser Chiefs - Angry Mob

So anyone that knows me well knows that I've never read or seen any of the Harry Potter's, never watched Lost, and never sat through Titanic. As someone who lives to read, watch movies, and follow good TV shows, this seems rather perplexing - how could I have never partaken in some of the biggest movie, television, and book crazes of all time? Well let me explain myself.
I have never "fit in". In fact, I make an effort not to fit in. I embrace my uniqueness. To a certain extent, for me, this means doing my own thing and not giving in to the prevailing zeitgeist. I'll watch the blockbusters and listen to a lot of the big artists, but I prefer to embrace indie movies and I love those small bands that no one's heard of. Is this somewhat pretentious? Fuck yeah... but you have to feel important about something, right? I have my wide ranging movie, music, and television interests which give me a self-satisfying sense of cultural superiority.
My avoidance of many things "popular" also stems from my distrust of humanity at large. While I have faith in people as individuals, put them together and all you get is an unthinking mass. I think of it this way: one stray dog is not a problem, hell it can even be cute, but put several stray dogs together and you get a roving, crazed pack of dogs. When I see something that a lot of people like I am naturally skeptical. For me, if everyone likes it, there's a good chance it's not very good.
Some people may see all this as nothing more than ignorant, self-important, nihilistic bullshit, and I'm fine with that, but to live with myself, I can't "sell out" to the world. Theres a good chance my personal ideals (for lack of a better word) are horribly and truly misguided. Perhaps I am missing the boat here; watching the proverbial roses pass me by. But so be it. I am granite when it comes to my views on film and music. Most people don't agree with me, which is good, cause if they did I'd probably have to change my opinion.

Turning Books to Movies

So my hatred for The Golden Compass movie has been expressed to, well, pretty much everyone I know. At first I thought my repulsion was due to the movies straying too far from the book. Over the Christmas holidays I finally watched I Am Legend (read the book about six months ago) and finished reading Children of Men (saw the movie, which I actually enjoyed more than the book, about a year ago). Both these movies detoured drastically from their source material. Compared to them, The Golden Compass was faithful as all hell. But I liked both movies and felt that they did no dis-service to their book counterparts. So why would I have no problem with Children of Men and I Am Legend while being appalled by The Golden Compass?

1) The Golden Compass is part of a larger trilogy, not a stand alone work. And more so, it's part of that particular genre of epic fantasies (The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars). These books or movies were all created over a series of years and have an absolutely die-hard following. The days spent reading/watching these series created a bond between book and reader. We have a certain perception of the works that we expect to be met in their subsequent adaptations. So while you can get away with drastic changes in I Am Legend or Children of Men (books that simply do not, and cannot, create the same type of bond) there's no way to change things in the epic fantasy sagas without, in the eyes of fans, destroying the very fabric of the story.

2) Though I Am Legend and Children of Men were nothing like their books, they still managed to capture the essence of them. The hopelessness and helplessness and spawning of new life that are present within both books are also present in both movies. The Golden Compass book is full of longing, skepticism, and, ultimately, a lost innocence. NONE of this is present in the movie. So while the movie, relatively speaking, stays true to several scenes from the book, the overall tone and essence of the book are completely lost. What good is a work if you utterly destroy its message, its purpose? The answer: it's no good at all. I Am Legend and Children of Men differed from the stories of their respective books while keeping the underlying tones of each, and in this they succeeded in creating excellent pictures; meanwhile, The Golden Compass ripped out the essence of its source and turned a veritable masterpiece into a hollow, soulless piece of crap.

An Open Letter to Comcast

Dear Comcast:

Fuck you!
After driving 15 hours overnight and sleeping for all of half-an-hour, all I wanted was to get to my apartment, drink a few glasses of wine, and watch the football games. Of course when I went to turn on my TV it didn't work. Remembering how you always seem to pride yourselves on your customer support in your commercials, I called you guys up. Now, your customer service agent was very attentive and friendly, but ultimnatley he couldn't do shit for me. It seems you gave me some faulty-ass equipment. Thanks a bunch you fuckers. On one of the biggest sports nights of the year, when the Super Bowl match-up will be decided, after an hellacious car ride, I find myself without a television. What the fuck exactly am I paying your monopoly 90 bucks a month for?? I fought with your shit-ass cable box and modem for a good period of time, but eventually realized my attempts would be fruitless.
Instead of watching from the comfort of my home, I had to head out to watch the game. Granted, I did end up at a Hooter's (for the record, the Stafford, Texas Hooter's carries an excellent array of 'A' girls), but the incessant rumbling of insufferable Packers fans (the most annoying -hands down, even beating those smug Patriot loving bastards) forced me to leave the fine establishment and it's visual appeal for the drab emptiness of my apartment. Ultimately, Hooter's just made me realize the utter un-availability of every girl that works there (well, aside from the Asian chick that had a 'Britney Spears at the VMAs' ass thing going on). Thanks a lot Comcast. Maybe you should change your slogan to "screwing you over at the most inopportune moments when all you want to do is check your email or relax with some TV". Fuck you Comcast. I don't deal well with technology not doing what I want it too. and I will not forget this bullshit soon. With your exorbitant prices, I expect fucking working shit! Next time I'd go with Time Warner.... if only you hadn't bought them out. Bastard Comcast.

I'm a Chargers Fan...for now

After 2 weeks of NFL playoffs, we're down to four teams: Pats, Chargers, Giants and Packers. Last weekend was nuts, with the Giant and Chargers improbably upsetting the Cowboys and Colts respectively. TO even cried in his post-game press conference (if you haven't seen it, here it is). As an Eagles fan, nothing brought me more joy than to see that useless bastard crying over his new boyfriend Tony Romo. With the Cowboys gone, my worst nightmare, a Pats-Cowboys Super Bowl, had been averted. But who to root for now? The decision was a surprisingly easy one.
I despise the Patriots for the same reasons everyone else does. Belichick's a bona-fide douche, Brady has pretty much everything a guy could want, and Moss suddenly decides to perform this year after killing the Raiders (and my fantasy team!) last year. Plus you throw in those insufferable Boston fans and the Pats are the most unlikable team of my sports lifetime.
Next comes the Giants. While in other divisions in football, once your team has been knocked you may likely cheer for any remaining teams in your division, not so in the NFC East. If we suffer, the rest of the fuckers should suffer too. Seeing as the Eagles were the only NFC East team not to make the playoffs, I wished nothing but plague and pestilence to the Giants, Cowboys, and Redskins. With the 'Skins and 'Boys out of the way, it's time to see Eli and his piece of shit team fall back to earth and burst into flames.
This brings me to Green Bay. I like Brett Favre. I respect the way he plays the game. What football fan can honestly say they don't? But I am motherfucking sick of hearing about him. Every sportscaster is in love with the man. Can Chris Berman get it over with and blow Favre already? Then you throw in Green Bay fans. While Patriot fans are just plain cocky, Green Bay fans have this sort of condescending sense of enlightenment surrounding them. They will take down to you when the Packers are involved. Fuck. That. You cock suckers live in bum-fuck Wisconsin. Seriously? That's supposed to impress us? And take off those ridiculous looking cheese-heads. You retarded jack asses. I hope you all choke on some Bratwurst so I don't have to hear one more Packers fan go on about how great their fucking team is.
That leads me to the Chargers. Do I have any great love are vested interest in this team? No. LT and Gates are fun to watch play, but Merriman's a cheating whore and Rivers is pretty much a west coast (and hence unnoticed) version of Eli. It's a lesser of four evils thing. I simply hate the Chargers less than I hate the Pats, Packers, or Giants. So for now.... go Chargers!

The Stupidest Songs Ever Made

So as Christmas approached I felt I had to make a list of the stupidest songs ever. Now these aren't necessarily the worst songs ever made, simply the stupidest. Either for reasons relating to music or to lyrics, these songs hurt my brain. Out of necessity I have left out cover songs (alas that means doing without Britney's version of "Can't Get No (Satisfaction)") and limited myself to only one country song. So without further ado, here is some of the most retarded songs ever made

5) Kidrock - "So Hott" (narrowly edging out "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry)



First off you have Kidrock trying to be all pimp and suave when he hasn't released a meaningful song in about eight years and his biggest claim to fame was sleeping with the walking STD that is Pamela Anderson. Then you have the lyrics to this atrocious piece of shit, and I quote:

"You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex."

Huh? Okay, I could see this song being good in a strip club, but at this point in his career, Kidrock releasing something as ridiculously bad as this track would be akin to Jordan coming back and challenging Kobe to a game of one-on-one. You had your 15 minutes, you made some money, got laid a whole bunch, but give it up man. It's time to crawl back to the trailer park from whence you came.

4) Fergie - "Fergalicious" (narrowly edging out Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend", Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind", and Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps")



You named the song after yourself. This is irrationally dumb! Bad Company tried it out too, but you know what? They actually have talent you stupid bimbo whore! Which such gems as

"Fergalicious
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious
I blow kisses
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got"

and

"I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness"

The song truly makes you stupider every time you hear it. She spells out delicious! Not to mention the fact that she spells tasty "tastEy". You dumb slut. At least learn to fucking spell if you're gonna force us to listen to this awful shit.

3) Craig Morgan - "International Harvester" (narrowly beating out "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" Trace Adkins



It's a song about being a hey farmer. Seriously? Fuck you middle America! It's a shitty job and this is a stupid song. With insightful lyrics like this:

"Well you may be on a state paved road
But that blacktop runs through my payload
Excuse me for tryin’ to do my job
But this year ain’t been no bumper crop
If you don’t like the way I’m a drivin’
Get back on the interstate
Otherwise sit tight and be nice
And quit yer honkin’ at me that way"

I truly feel like driving to a farm and punching whoever answers the door right in the face. How about you get your slow, piece of shit tractor of the fucking road? And maybe next time learn to read and you won't have to haul wheat for a living. Dumbass.

2) Jennifer Love Hewitt "Let's Go Bang" (narrowly trumping anything by Jamie Lynn Sigler)

Sooo you're gonna call a JLH song "Let's Go Bang" and not expect people to take it the wrong way? That's some shrewd thinking there. So bad I couldn't even find a copy of the piece of shit. Perhaps these lyrics will suffice:

"Before the groove hits
The move you want it to
And Uncle Funk wants
It over tonight
So, just dance along to
Wherever they take you tonight
You just bang it all up and out
Bang it all on time"

1) Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmas Time"



The stupidest song ever made and it's not even close. Honestly Sir Paul? After all the amazing Beatles songs and more than adequate stuff with Wings you give us this? I can't even call it music. To go along with the incessant sleigh bells and 80's synth riff, McCartney recites the most uninspired lyrics of his life. I mean, the refrain "ding dong, ding dong" is repeated several times throughout the song. Why? Just why?? Every Christmas I hear this song and all I can think about is how impeccably bad it is. It makes me want to push Santa Claus off a roof and punt some starving African kids. Despite all McCartney has done for music this will always hang over his head like a cloud of shame. Molesting a child would have tarnished your reputation less than this horrid plague upon mankind. What the fuck were you thinking? God I hope you were high on shrooms when you created this tremendous turd.

Okay, that's my list. Obviously it's not complete. There are tons of other ridiculously stupid creations that people call 'songs' out there. The lesson, as always, you don't need to be smart to be in the music industry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen to "Wonderful Christmas Time" for the final time until next December. And after that I think I'll go ride a unicycle into traffic.