Why I Hate the South

I mustve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
Theyre moving into the street.

Now did you read the news today
They say the dangers gone away
But I can see the fires still alight
There burning into the night.

Theres too many men
Too many people
Making too many problems
And not much love to go round
Cant you see
This is a land of confusion.

Genesis - Land of Confusion

After eight months of working and traveling around the south, I feel I can definitively say that I hate this place (it has been pointed out to me that my hatred may only apply to the deep south, but that's a matter of semantics). The south is just not my place. Here is why I hate this place:

1) The Racial Divide
Say what you want, but it's still segregated as hell down here. Different races tend to have their own neighborhoods and racism still abounds. What people wouldn't dream of saying up north due to common decency is throw around here as if it means nothing at all. Just listening to people down here talk (decent people that I've worked with) is rather disheartening. If you are gay or colored or otherwise different from the average white-man down here, there is an inherent bigotry towards you that you will have to overcome

2) Welcome to... 1977?
Seriously, coming to this place is like stepping into a time machine. There aren't Starbucks at every corner (which I'm sure seems great until you're looking for a decent cup of coffee in the morning and all you find is Bubba's discount gas) and the whole region has a sort of innocence to it, like it hasn't been perverted by the hedonism of modern culture. Okay, I guess that's cool and all, but living in the past will only make you aversive to the present. Walking into a bar here and seeing confederate flags everywhere.... I mean, come the fuck on! You guy lost the war (and it's the Civil War, not the War of Northern Aggression you dumbasses) and it's time to realize you're part of this fucking country. Get rid of your damn flags and don't give me that 'it's part of our culture' bullshit. You mean a culture of racism and slavery? It's 2007, time to act like it

3) No Dunkin Donuts
Really, why aren't there any down here? No where else can you get an iced coffee and a croissant breakfast sandwich. I beg of you Dunkin Donuts, the South needs you! And while were at it, I miss Wawa too. They need to start spreading. Can we just replace McDonalds with Wawa? Is anyone against this?

4) The Environment
They don't care about the environment here. My background is in environmental science and I love nature... yeah, this bothers me a tad bit. Try and find a place to recycle here. I dare you. Hunting for sport is commonplace (let's kill animals so I can feel like a real man!), and everyone down here drives a truck. Here's my problem with trucks: economically they make no sense and they're AWFUL for the environment. Now if you need a truck to haul stuff or go off-roading, that's one thing, but how many people are actually using their trucks for that? These things eat gas like a fat man at a buffet. And you have all those Chevy and Ford ads basically telling you that trucks are the 'All-American' vehicle. What a bunch of crap. All these things do is abuse the environment and help to perpetuate American dependency on foreign oil. Every time we buy a truck we make a Saudi prince smile. Someone needs to teach the south what the word 'conservation' means.

5) Neglect of Public Health
The South is fat. Look at this report. It's disgusting. And the thing is, they don't give a fuck. They continue to eat BBQ and fried foods (why is there a need to fry pickles of all things?) and smoke like chimneys. Dude, it doesn't get nearly as cold here as it does up north. Go out and run you fat bastards! Have some self-pride.

6) They drink light beers
Pussys.

7) The Redneck Factor
The Redneck stigma is commonplace in the south, and it almost seems like people down here embrace it. You realize we make fun of you for being a 'redneck', right? Oh, and then they call us 'yankees'. Really? That's an insult? Idiots.

8) The Bible Belt
You see churches every 20 feet here. It's ridiculous. No where else have I seen dry counties and such overt conservatism. The preacher said gays are bad, so they must be. How about thinking for yourself for a fucking change? I have no problem if you wanna be religious, but don't let it control your life and don't let it determine how you're going to judge other people. Granted, if I lived in the south I might have to turn to God just so I wouldn't go insane and kill myself.

9) Learn toTalk
Y'all is NOT a word. Also, please remove the mothballs from your mouth when you speak. Thanks.

I'm ready to get out of the south. Seriously. Some people down here still want to secede? Fuck it, do it. I'm sure I'll just miss Houston sooooo much. The only good things in the south are New Orleans and some of those old settlement sites you find in Virginia (note: there are many, though that may not even consider Virginia to be in the south; note 2: I have heard good things about Nashville and Austin; note 3: I don't consider Florida to be a part of the south, it just seems like its own place; note 4: I'm not counting all the great bands that have come from the south). All the major cities are in the north. Do we even need the south for any reason? I don't. Nuke the place and be done with it. We could then teach evolution in all classrooms, have an actual intelligent president, and make some headway in saving the environment.

The Psyche of the Eagles Fan

love and hate get it wrong :: she cut me right back down to size :: sleep the day let it fade :: who was there to take your place :: no one knows never will :: mostly me mostly you :: what do you say do you do :: when it all comes down :: i don't want to come back down from this :: cloud :: taken me all this time to find out what i :: need :: and i'm doing fine now :: there is no blame only shame :: when you beg you just complain :: more i come more i try :: all police are paranoid :: so am i - so's the future :: so are you - be a creature :: what do you say do you do when it all :: comes down

Bush - Comedown

I'm a little late writing this (should've been here Tuesday) but I've been busy. After a devastating loss to send the Eagles to 0-2, I was in a bad place. So was every other Eagles fan you know. Eagles fans are a peculiar sort that are easily identifiable. They are a select contingent no sane person would want to be part of (likely due to the fact that being an Eagles fan is in itself a case for being placed in a mental institution).
Eagles fans are cynical. We expect Murphy's Law to strike our football team at any instant. And the problem is that every loss leads us to a pit of utmost despair. It will literally ruin our day and make us depressed. When the birds lose, give any Eagles fan you know a hug. They will need it. On the other side, every win is pure, unadulterated elation. It is the happiest moment of our lives, making everything we've invested in the team worthwhile.
Eagles fans are an emotional sort. We wear our feelings on our sleeves... and yell them with our mouths. We will bitch and moan after a loss, and won't shut up about what the Eagles did well after a win. Drunken E-A-G-L-E-S will be heard echoing throughout Philadelphia bars after every victory. Rude? Perhaps. Boorish? Probably. Annoying? Can't really argue that. But so goes the Eagles fan.
Eagles fans care about their players; we will give back to them what they give to us. We are also unforgiving. Insult us, show us you have no heart - and we will be on you like white on rice. Eagles fans are bitter. We are repressed. All we want is to cheer as our team parades down Broad Street, but we are rarely given anything to cheer about. Eagles fans are blue collar, just like this city. We want our team the same way. They better play hard and hit hard. Play hurt and you've earned yourself a loyal fan base for the rest of your life.
The thing about the Eagles fan is they're truly a complicated being. At once passionate, loyal, supportive, jubilant... in the next instant ready to jump off a bridge if our receivers don't stop dropping the fucking ball. Our week is determined by how the birds perform. It is a sad state of affairs, and we are a sad people. We look for a glimmer of hope every year. Talk ourselves into thinking that salvation has finally arrived and that we finally reach the promised land. But with every loss that shining hope gets dimmer and dimmer til there is nothing left. It takes months for the hope to re-brighten, only for the entire process to start all over again. This is the life we live. A constant circle of hope leading to pessimism leading to more hope. Eagles fans are evidently masochistic. We know what we are doing to ourselves, yet we continue. One day the Eagles will be the death of me, undoubtedly. My psyche is fucked. The loss on Monday night to the Redskins just took too much out of me. I could've sworn this was going to be our year. Now I have nothing. I am a sad, empty shell of a being. At least, that is, until we win this weekend. My glimmer of hope hasn't completely faded yet.

3:10 to Yuma/ Stardust

Ziggy played guitar, jamming good with Wierd and Gilly,
The Spiders from Mars.
He played it left hand, but made it too far,
Became the special man, then we were Ziggy's Band.

Ziggy really sang, screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan, he could lick 'em by smiling
He could leave 'me to hang
Came on so loaded man, well hung and snow white tan.

So where were the spiders while the fly tried to break our balls
Just the beer light to guide us,
So we bitched about his fans and should we crush his sweet hands ?

Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were Voodoo
The kids was just crass, he was the naz
With God given ass
He took it all too far but boy could he play guitar.

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust

3:10 to Yuma

So I'm not the biggest western fan. I do enjoy some of Eastwood's early stuff (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More) where he's just a bad-ass motherfucker blowing people away, but for the most part I can't really watch any of those old John Wayne or Gary Cooper flicks. They're too derivative and predictable and bore me to death. When I saw the preview for 3:10 to Yuma, though, it looked like something I might wanna watch. Russell Crowe doesn't just do any movie, and seeing him as the 'bad guy' proved too irresistible for the cinephile within me. So on a lazy Saturday afternoon i went to check out 3:10 to Yuma (with fairly high expectations may I add).
The movies was good. Very good in fact. An excellent story with an equally good script. Not sure where they shot the damn thing, but the backgrounds are mesmerizing, helping to portray the bleak landscape of the 'old west'. Russell Crowe is frickin good (as usual) but it was Christian Bale who, with his performance in 3:10 to Yuma, has shown that he must be taken seriously as an actor. Ben Foster and Peter Fonda add to the excellent supporting cast. Though the style of the movie is definitely a western, complete with the distinctive facial close-ups, it has been modernized, with more blood and violence then you'd ever find in a 50s western.
What makes 3:10 to Yuma different from every other western is Crowe's character, the notorious outlaw Ben Wade. With his gang of bandits, Wade roams the country-side taking what he pleases with an utter ruthlessness. Wade is captured, though, and Bale's Dan Evans, a broke rancher, joins the crew assigned to escort Wade to his train to jail in hopes of a rich reward. It is here that we see the ambiguity in Crowe's character and we face the problem with the movie. For the movie to work you must see Wade as a conflicted outlaw with a good heart that really wants nothing more than to settle down with a woman, and retains his humanity when he sees that Evans would willingly sacrifice his life to give his family a better one. Looking at the movie from this perspective is the ONLY way to explain Crowe's actions. Otherwise you will be left asking yourself 'why the fuck is he doing this?' throughout the movie. And even then, it's hard to comprehend some of Wade's actions. He runs away, he comes back. What the fuck does he want? Is it all some sort of way to test Evans? The beauty of the movie lies in that we are never told Wade's intentions. We are left to ponder them ourselves. Even the very end of the movie leaves us wondering what will happen next. Crowe's Ben Wade may be one of the most complex characters to ever grace the silver screen; a western version of Hamlet if you will. On the other hand, if you don't recognize this complexity in Wade, then the movie is simply disjointed and the actions of Wade are merely nonsenscal and ultimately make no fucking sense. I prefer to think of him as complex. It makes for a more enjoyable film.


Stardust

Stardust was another movie I went into with high expectations. A great cast (DeNiro, Claire Danes, Ricky Gervais, Peter O'Toole, Michelle Pfeiffer and Ian McKellan as narrator) made the movie a must see. After I left the theater, I couldn't help but smile on the drive back home. Just an astounding movie. Pure fun. Directed by Matthew Vaughn (who also directed the excellent Layer Cake), the movie is a fantasy/comedy, like The Princess Bride for a whole new generation. Vaughn does an outstanding job of combining action and suspense with timely comedy, and I can't wait to see what he does with the upcoming Thor movie (it can't be any worse than Ang Lee's Hulk!). The movie is fairly cliche and anyone with a brain can figure out the ending, but who the fuck cares? Maybe I just saw the movie at the right place, at the right time, but I couldn't have been more thrilled with how it finished up. If the movie didn't turn out happy the way I wanted it too, I would've been fucking pissed (and I must explain that I generally hate generic Hollywood endings). Claire Danes is absolutely adorable in the film. I want on you now Claire. And DeNiro playing a cross-dressing pirate is a role for the ages. The special effects abound, and create an air of fantasy that makes one embrace the very essence of the film. The casting and costumes were impeccable. Michelle Pfeiffer as the bad witch helped me to remember that she was still alive. Just an exceptional movie all the way through. A kid movie for adults, if that makes any sense. Well written, well thought out and well acted. Stardust has forced me to move Neil Gaiman's book of the same name to the top of my reading list (though undoubtedly Gaiman's version will be much darker, only hints of which could be seen in the movie). Could the movie have been edgier? Sure. But the campiness was half the fun. Escaping into a pure fantasy-land for an hour and a half was the point, and it certainly did not disappoint. The only problem with the film was in the way it was marketed as a 'date movie.' Fuck that. It should have been marketed to all the comic and sci-fans out there; the movie is a fanboy's dream. Yeah, you could say the movie's about love, but it's also about hope, growing-up, and the utter un-expectedness of life. Word of mouth will spread the excellence of the movie and I would not be surprised to see it gain cult status. But if you were smart, you'd watch it now. More likely than not you'll find yourself jumping aboad the Stardust bandwagon.

Some friendly advice on getting a job

Well, I was born on a sunday; on thursday I had me a job.
I was born on a sunday; by thursday I was workin out on the job.
I aint never had no day off since I learned right from wrong.

Every friday, well, thats when I get paid.
Dont take me on friday, lord, cause thats when I get paid.
Let me die on saturday night, ooh, before sunday gets my head.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - The Working Man

I don't recommend work. After just 8 months on the job, I have come to one undeniable conclusion: WORK SUCKS! No one likes their job. Work makes us tired, depressed and down-right irritable. I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is in bad shape (maybe I should start smoking weed regularly just to calm my nerves). Traveling all the fucking time I'm, simply put, becoming a fat fuck. Not that I don't want to be in shape, but there's either no time or I'm too damned tired. The problem as I see it with work is that we spend 40 hours + at work per week. And that doesn't even include traveling to and from your job site. There's 168 hours in the week. So at the minimum, full-time employees are spending roughly one quarter of their week at work (and for most people that number is much greater). Think about that. This is not right. To quote Rickey Watters, "for who? for what?" Life's too damned short for this, where we spent the best years of our lives stuck at work doing some ultimately meaningless task. How lame is that? If someone told me I had 20 or so years of slogging for some company that under-appreciates and under-utilizes me to look forward to, I would've said 'no fucking thanks.'
Maybe work has brought out the existential part of me, but I got to ask, what's the fucking point? Honestly, if this is all there is, I now understand why people would turn to drugs or alcohol to find a brief solace from life. American Beauty has suddenly become a lot more meaningful and poignant to me. While we're busy working, living the so-called 'American dream', the world is passing us by. I have learned nothing useful at work. All I've learned is that I suck at driving trucks, the deep south is still racist as all hell, and guys from Milwaukee can fucking drink. My brain is slowly atrophying. You know that scene in Billy Madison where Adam Sandler tells the fat stammering kid to "stay in school as long as you can"? I wanna tell that to everyone. College is fun. Cherish living with your friends and just hanging out. After you graduate, society tells us that we have to get a job and join the soulless mass that is the corporate world. When Billy Corgan sang "the world is a vampire," he hit the nail in the motherfucking coffin. Working will suck your soul dry; take away all bastions of creativity and youthful exuberance that you ever had.
I am completely disillusioned. People will tell you to do what you love, but that would mean never going to work. Most of us, though, need the money generated fom working to buy necessary items such as food and shelter. You're fucked if you do work, you're fucked if you don't. I'd be totally for some sort of new world order. I'd be totally for anarchy, but my mistrust in people assures me that it will eventually turn into some form of oligarchy. How about an 'end of Fight Club' scenario? Raze everything and start from scratch? Sounds good to me. Thus far, work is slowly eating away at my soul. Somehow we need to stop the feast.

The power of words

So I'm driving home from working today, flipping through radio stations, when "Fergielicious" comes on. Now this is easily one of the worst songs ever written, but it's like a train wreck. I just can't change the station, I have to keep listening. What really irks me about the song, though, is that Fergie spells tasty T-A-S-T-E-Y. Okay, I get that they needed to do this to make the song work, but bad grammar and poor spelling just piss me off. One of my biggest pet peeves is people mixing up 'your' and 'you're'. It's not that difficult! Try proof-reading for once. Words can be a powerful force upon themselves depending on how you use them. The right word in a sentence can completely change the tone and impact of a piece of writing. That being said, here are words/phrases I like and dislike:

DISLIKE

Crunk - I don't get this word. It's a mix of drunk and something, but, um, what the hell's the other word? And what's wrong with trashed or shit-faced? What a stupid word.

Guesstimate - look, you guess or you estimate. There is no fucking reason for these two words to be put together

Titty Bar - strip club sounds much more sophisticated (and makes me feel like less of a pervert)

Urine - just an ugly word. I prefer piss

Gesticulate - sounds too much like testicle

Rubber - when it is used as an euphemism for condom. Just bothers me for some reason

Tinkle - are you five?

Potty - ditto

Buttocks - I think only moms can say this word without it sounding really awkward


LIKE

Nemesis - a frickin cool sounding word that also inevitably brings back memories of the awesome nemesis enforcer

Extrapolate - it just rolls off the tongue

Pretentious - you sound all important when you say it (kind of ironic when you think of it)

Cougar - just a vivid word

Boob - they're awesome and boob spelled backwards is boob

Sardonic - kinda sounds like sardine

Uber - like mega, but German

Romp - has several meanings

Callous - it can mean evil as well as something that solidifies over a cut. Sweet deal

Jiggle - creates some fantastic images

I'm addicted to football

please tell me why
The car is in the front yard and I'm
sleeping with my clothes on
came in through the window last night
and you're gone
It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy
cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
a smoke alarm is going off and there's a cigarette
still burning

Lit - My Own Worst Enemy

So it's football season, and of course I'm excited as balls. But I have to ask myself: why? Football season ensures that I will be anxious and nervous until the super bowl. My moods on Mondays (and next Tuesday) will be determined by the previous day's Eagles game. We had one of the worst losses EVER yesterday, and I've been in a foul mood all day (probably didn't help that my computer's being a little cunt today). Honestly, how do we lose that game? Favre played like the 85-year-old he is. Our defense was dominant. Green Bay's offense did precisely shit. Yet our offense was anemic, McNabb was not his best, and the play calling was suspect at best. Despite all that, we lost because of two (fucking two!) fumbled punts. Never have I seen that in my life. And I just happened to be sitting between Packer fans at the bar. Just perfect.
One day football will undoubtedly kill me. I do not doubt this. When the Eagles lose, I'm crushed. When they win, I don't feel elation, but rather relief. And yet I can't walk away from the games. It's like fuckin heroin. I crave it, even though I know it's bad for me. I mean c'mon, it's not like I'm cheering for the Colts or the Pats. As much as I love the Eagles, they're gonna need a hell of a season to reach the super bowl, let alone win the damn thing. In my lifetime, they've won precisely zero titles. So I'd have to be insane to still cheer for them, right? Insane to give them everything I have emotionally and mentally for the next four months. And yet it's not even a question if I'll continue to root for the birds. Of course I fucking will. Is it smart? Rational? Sensible? To devote that much to one cause where the odds point to you being disappointed?? It's nuts! But yet, I'm no where near alone. As much as I live and die with the Eagles, I'd be hard-pressed to say that I'm their biggest fan. I'm sure there's some people out there more hardcore than me. And I feel for them, I really do. We all need serious help. It's like walking across a set of railroad tracks knowing that you're gonna get creamed by a freight train. I feel like Nancy Kerrigan, all I want to know is: why??

Superbad is superawesome

Well I don't care about history
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
'Cause that's not where I wanna be
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
I just wanna have some kicks
I just wanna get some chicks
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school

Well the girls out there knock me out, you know
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
Cruisin' around in my GTO
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
I hate the teachers and the principal
Don't wanna be taught to be no fool
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school

The Ramones - Rock N' Roll High School

So I meant to write about Superbad after I saw it opening day, but one thing led to another, I got distracted, got busy, whatever. The time, though, has come for me to have my say.
If you haven't seen this movie, you SUCK. Seriously. One of the best fucking movies ever. The best comedy I have EVER seen in a theater (even beating Borat, which I absolutely loved). I had high expectations for the movie based on Apatow and Rogen's involvement with it, and these were not only met, but completely blown out of the water. I even saw Superbad twice in theaters. To put that in perspective, the only other movie I've seen twice in theaters was Gladiator.
Now what makes Superbad better than all the other coming-of-age teen high-school romps? What makes it better than American Pie, Better Off Dead, and The Breakfast Club? Well the beauty of Superbad lies in its realism. One of the most true-to-life scripts you'll ever hear. That's fucking how people talk! That is how guys talk! They didn't try to make the movie some sort of existential period piece. This is not a David Lynch piece. They went for realism (um minus the cops). If I'm out with my friends, that's how we would interact. The awkward situations were done brilliantly. I could see either me or someone I know getting into situations from the movie. But what really added to the realism of the movie were the drunk scenes. Being a fan of alcohol, I know how I act when I'm drunk. I feel like I know how other people act. And Martha MacIsaac's portrayal of a drunken Becca was one of the most realistic cinematic scenes I have ever seen. I can see every girl I know being drunk enough to act like that. That's how drunks girls behave!! Superbad is brilliant because of it's simplicity and it's honesty. It doesn't try to be moralistic or deliver some sort of conceited message about life. It's about kids in high school that are on their way to college and are looking to get laid; exactly what every kid entering college is looking to do. Seth and Evan are young, they don't get women, and they're horny as fuck. Hmm maybe there is a message in there after all.
Just go see Superbad. An amazingly fun movie. You'll leave smiling and wanting a beer (albeit a bit nostalgic for high school and college). And I can't even get into McLovin. One of the top five characters of all time (up there with Tony Montana, the Terminator and James Bond). He stole pretty much every scene he was in, and the sex scene at the end that leads to the donut scene is just classic. What a great movie. And lastly, dibs on Becca.