The Connery List

Winter is here again oh lord,
Havent been home in a year or more
I hope she holds on a little longer

Sent a letter on a long summer day
Made of silver, not of clay
Ive been runnin down this dusty road

Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin
I dont know where Ill be tomorrow
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin

Journey - Wheel in the Sky

So anything with Sean Connery is immediately 10 times better. I'm pretty sure it's scientifically proven. If you're flipping channels and you come across something with Connery, you ll stop and watch. The man is just frickin sweet. There's just something about him that oozes awesomeness. And there are many other people/places/things that just make anything they come into contact with better. Hence, I give you, in no particular order, my Connery List:

Bacon/Melted Cheese - put them on ANYTHING and it suddenly tastes better. They are the god's of toppings

Steve Buscemi - he always seem to play some weird, quirky character in some weird, quirky movie. By far my favorite actor. He makes any movie he's in watchable

Strippers - hot, naked girls that dance for money. Kind of like a dream A dream on your lap

Explosions - how much better would Garden State have been if they threw in a couple random explosion scenes?

Jessica Alba - her hotness is just on another level. I watched Into the Blue just cause she was in it. The movie was god- awful, but basically served as a one-and-a-half hour audition for her nipples. I'd watch it again right now

Salsa - the ultimate of condiments. You can place it on anything you'd normally put ketchup on, and it'll be an upgrade. There's so many varieties of salsa you'll never get tired of it. Plus you can eat it with chips. Ketchup and chips? I don't fuckin think so

Superpowers - I want a superpower. So do you. Don't lie

Mr. T - who doesn't love Mr. T? Between his catch phrases and his roles as Clubber Lang and BA Baracus, the dude is an indelible part of American culture. Who else could walk around with a mo-hawk and wearing gold chains in this day and age? Only Mr. T, that's who (well, maybe Connery too)

Beer -beer just makes everything better. Drink enough and even the dullest situation becomes enjoyable. Now you may be saying to yourself, "what about hard liquors and wine?" Well, hard shit has a tendency to get people too drunk too fast, while beer gives one a more controlled state of drunkeness. Not to mention the hangover's hard stuff can cause. Wine, unlke beer, will put you to sleep and leave you with a splitting headache in the morning. "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to prosper." Know who said that? Mother f'ing Ben Franklin! That's who

Sports on TV - whether you're at a shitty bar or a shitty party, if there's a game on TV you have something to watch and something to get people interacting. With no sports on TV, well, I probably would've gone insane a long time ago. Sports never get old, and you never have to worry about repeats

Will Ferrell - plain and simple the man is consistently hilarious. His SNL DVD's are fantastic, and they may not even be his best skits. From his movies to his celebrity jeopardy sketches to his various interviews on Conan, the dude makes life amusing for us all. Show me the man who doesn't like Will Ferrell, and I'll show you the man who has no sense of humor

Boobs - look, I've sat through two hours of utter crap just to see a boob (the nudity warning in 13 Ghosts is greatly misleading). I've ordered crap off the internet just cause I thought there might be a sweet topless scene in it (side note: don't bother watching Laurel Canyon, trust me on this). Guys enjoy boobs. They (along with beer) can make even the ugliest girl reasonably attractive. Clearly they're God's gift to man (although also possibly God's curse to man...)

Puppies - you have to be soulless not enjoy a puppy. They do crazy shit, have a ton of energy, and just have a zest for life. If you don't like puppies you are an awful human being

Vampires/Werewolves/Zombies - put any assortment of the three in any movie/book, and I'll watch/read it. Then you have something like Underworld with werewolves fighting vampires. Just a work of pure genius. Now in the third movie if they have them both fighting an army of zombies, it will possibly be the best movie ever made

Conan O'Brien - after Ferell, possibly the funniest man alive. His show is fantastic. The sketches and bits are unlike anything else on TV. He's stupid and self-deprecating, but there's something about him that makes you realize you're watching a comedic genius perform. So excited for him to take over the Tonight Show

Philly - it's my home. the city rocks at life. Any movie or TV show set in Philly is that much better. LA, NYC and Boston have been done to death. And yes, I am extremely biased.... and damn proud of it

Football - America lives for football. Plain and simple

Beaches - sand, sun, hot people (generally speaking), water, aquatic life. Good times

Those little umbrellas you find in drinks - they just make my day

YouTube - finally, a place where you can find all that useless crap you've always been looking for. I have literally spent hours doing nothing on YouTube. Fantastic

Hot Showers/Jacuzzis - hot water is relaxing. I want a Scarface-type jacuzzi. That way I can soak and watch TV at the same time

Almost made the list, but just missed out:

Clint Eastwood - he would've been on here if it wasn't for the fact that he's turned into a pussy. Bridges of Madison County? Seriously? C'mon Clint. That hurt me

Mini-skirts/bikinis - they'd be awesome except for the fact that fat girls wear them too. There is no crime greater against the male eye

Hot girls - clearly the biggest omission from the list. Now, when a bunch of guys are out by themselves, nothing is better than a little eye candy. But when you go out with your girlfriend and there's a lot of hot girls, that's just a recipe for trouble. Guys will inevitably start staring (it's not our fault!), and they will inevitably get caught in the act. They will then inevitably not get any action that night

Jennifer Love Hewitt - shit, even I won't watch the Ghost Whisperer

The Sun - sunburns suck

What am I missing?