Thoughts from middle class suburbia

Some Random Musings

2009-03-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

Weeds is one of the many shows I watch. The show's funny, subversive, and has the un-reasonably attractive Mary-Louise Parker in the lead role. Not only is she a very adept actress, but she re-defines the term MILF. It seems that every season she has gotten more and more naked with the show always teasing us with a topless shot. But alas, she was always covered...until now.
This season, though, it finally happened....we got a topless shot of Mary-Louise Parker! Words cannot describe the awesomeness of this moment. After the years of wait it was totally worth it. To say it was earth shattering and life altering is a massive understatement. I once again have faith in god. So thank you Weeds. And thank you Mary-Louise Parker. You are a bastion of hotness in an otherwise dark world.

So this story about the Eagles firing an employee who expressed his anger at the team getting rid of Brian Dawkins on his facebook page has become national news. Suffice it to say, this shows just how out-of-touch the birds are with their fan base. This is a blue-collar, fairly liberal town. We like our athletes to be frank, honest, and emotional, which it seems is exactly what this fan was doing. He was only saying the same thing that every other Eagles fan was thinking. Now I get that you can't openly disparage your employer, but isn't this a little too far? Maybe just give the guy a warning, especially in an economy like this one. But even if we forget the personal harm this does to the employee, do the Eagles not think about what they do? I mean seriously guys, how hard would it be to hire a good public relations guy? You get rid of Dawkins and Tra Thomas among a ton of other free agents, you haven't really spent any money in free agency (when we still need a god damned wide receiver!!) and now you fire an employee for slightly criticizing the team? Give me a fucking break. What a joke of an organization. This makes the team, and the city by association, look like crap. You've always had the stigma among fans that you're a fairly cold-hearted organization that won't re-sign aging players, no matter how much they've given to the team. And okay, you may have been right in many of the circumstances (Hugh Douglas, Troy Vincent, Bobby Taylor), but at some point don't you have to cater to the fans at least somewhat? Does your opinion in the eyes of the fanbase, the people who give you money, seriosuly mean that little? Eagles management have managed to turn a beloved franchise into the big, bad, callous corporation. No one likes the big, bad, callous corporation, especially not in a town like Philadelphia. It would be like being in a casino and cheering for the dealer to demolish some poor guy playing blackjack. The fans are not happy. The Eagles want my money? Well they better fucking earn it. I was planning on buying myself a Dawkins jersey before the season started....guess I can hold off on that. At some point even the greatest of kings has to placate the masses if he wants to avoid a rebellion. Well, the townsfolk are carrying torches and crossing the draw-bridge. Might be time for the Eagles to take a step back and think about what their next move is gonna be. Apologizing to this guy and giving him his job back would be a good start.

That brings me to my next point: this guy got fired due to his status on facebook. How ridiculous is that? Is privacy as we know it now dead? And the other things that bothers me, what happened to not tattling on people? I highly doubt that Jeff Lurie, Andy Reid or someone high up on the Eagles totem pole saw his status. That means some lowly, jack-ass fuck in middle management saw it, told his supervisor, and then they decided to fire the poor guy. Really? You couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut? Or if you're his boss you can't politely tell him to change his facebook status? When did the Eagles become the communist party? You say one damning thing and 'poof', you're gone, never to be seen again. I love the internet. It's an un-filtered way for people to express their opinions. And though I may not agree with most of what's on the web, I respect people's rights to say what they want. This whole thing will hopefully bring to light a problem we will eventually have to face as a society: how do you blend someone's internet persona with reality? There has to be a cut off. Once we start monitoring and censoring the internet, then the greatest equalizer of all time has suddenly become null and void. And that would be a damned shame.

The economy sucks right now. We all know this and many have been affected (I've had a shit time finding a job). But maybe one good thing has come out of this: fast food places are doing anything they can to sell food. I hardly eat fast food, but every now and then I get a craving for something that's truly awful for me, and that artery clogging awfulness has now become cheaper. Taco Bell has 3 different types of nachos all for under $1, the fantastic Sonic has a dollar menu, and KFC's jumped into the fray with their own value menu. This is great news for fast food enthusiasts (um, not so much for nutritionists). It'll still kill you...but at least you can now die for cheap!

Facebook's Jumped the Shark

2009-03-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

I remember when facebook first came out. It was cool being able to connect to high school friends that went to different schools, and made it easy to keep tabs on everyone you were currently in school with. Who didn't like finding a new 'friend request' in their inbox (be honest)? Just made it so much simpler to keep in touch. Then, they let high school kids in. Pretty soon, everybody and their mothers (literally) was on facebook. It got to the point where you had to block your pictures so the more tech-savvy of adults wouldn't be going around telling tales of your exploits to your parents and other relatives. This was annoying as fuck. What had started as a tiny little community for college kids had expanded to include, well, everybody. I'm sure this made facbook an ass load of money, but it destroyed the novelty and exclusivity of the whole thing.
Now facebook's got even more annoying. We keep getting these '25 random things posts'. How did this start? Who the fuck cares?? Look, if you wanna post 25 random facts about yourself, send out an email to all your friends or start a damned blog. I like knowing what my friends are up to....but how many of your facebook friends are really your friends? Honestly, if someone takes the time to 'friend me' I'll say 'fuck it' and just accept the invitation. But it's annoying when I open up the web page and at the top of my page I find out that some random girl from high school who I never talked to is 'going shopping with her mom today' or that 'she's scared of bats.' I don't fucking care! And the worst part of facebook for me is the fact that you can now vote on people's status updates and any links they post and decide whether you like them or not. Really? Isn't that what Digg is for? This is dumb.

Okay I'm about ten days late writing about this, but I have to talk about the Top Chef finale. I'd never watched Top Chef before this season. I tend not to like reality TV and figured I wouldn't like Top Chef either. But my roomate watched it. And there was nothing much else to do on Wednesday nights. So I started watching Top Chef, and honestly, I was hooked. The show's smart and interesting (especially for someone who likes to cook, as I do) and they tend not to go overboard on the drama. That being said, what really drags you in are the personalities of the chefs. Inevitably you will get attached to and start rooting for one of them. That brings us to the finale. This one dude named Hosea won. The fucker was annoying as all hell and seemed to have an un-healthy fascination with beating Stefan. Besides all that, he was maybe the sixth or seventh best cook on the show. Given the choice of chefs, I'd take Stefan, Fabio, Carla, Jamie, Jeff and Radhika over the fuck. So I get that all the judge's decisions are based solely on what the chef did on that night's episode, but my question has to be, why is that the case? Why not consider their entire body of work over the course of the season? Wouldn't that ensure that the best chef won rather than a whiny little bitch like Hosea? It was retarded. I was pretty upset after he won. To think I invested my time into an entire season only to see better people lose. Bullshit. I'd relate it to watching a wrestling storyline, only if at the pay-per-view Hulk Hogan lost to the Iron Sheik. To be frank, I don't know if I'll watch Top Chef again next season. The finale was that underwhelming and the winner that unlikable. Maybe try changing some shit so, in the end, we're left with the actual best chef rather than some bitch ass cook that couldn't make a dessert for his life.

I've been watching the new Joss Whedeon series Dollhouse (and from the look of it, I might be the only one). Thus far, the show's by no means great, but is definitely entertaining. Honestly though, the sole reason to watch it is Eliza Dushku. Sweet mother of god is she fucking smoking. Plus she seems to be wearing less and less in each episode. It seems that Eliza always gets looked over when people are describing the hottest girls out there, and it's a shame. She is ridiculously hot. I would do terrible things to her. Awful things. If she became a lesbian I'd get a sex change operation to be with her. So please people, watch Dollhouse, just so we can keep Eliza Dushku on TV. Thanks

Farewell to Number 20

2009-03-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

So the unthinkable happened...Brian Dawkins left the Philadelphia Eagles. Coming into free agency, Eagles fans thought they knew three things: 1) The Eagles had a ton of cap room, 2) Andy Reid would continue to ignore the obvious and stubbornly refuse to obtain a big-time play-making receiver, and 3) Brian Dawkins returning to the team was all but certain. When I awoke from my nap Friday afternoon to have my roommate tell me that there was a report of Dawkins going to Denver, it was like someone had just told me that my uncle had been shot. I was blind-sided. As I scoured the internet for information, refreshing ESPN's football page countless times, I was in a state of shock.
It's hard to explain what Dawkins means to this fan base, means to this town in general. Philly fans expect a lot out of their athletes and Dawkins typified every single one of our desired traits. Not only is he one hell of a fucking player (going to 7 pro bowls), but it was the way he played the game and carried himself on the field and off. Dawkins hit hard as shit. There's no other way to put it. We're a city that likes our hits, be they football or hockey related, to be spine shattering, and Dawkins never failed to deliver.
When he was on the field, Dawkins also played with what can only be described as an animalistic passion. The man wanted to win. He embodied what all of us fans wanted. Shit, he pretty much was one of us. And to know that he cared so fucking much really resonated, especially in a time when prima donna, over-paid athletes abound. We loved that passion. We fed off of it.
And off the field Dawkins was one heck of a modern citizen. Allen Iverson he was not. He did a ton for the community and was nominated for the NFL's Walter Payton award this year. And he was here for his entire career - 13 years. When Dawkins started playing for the Eagles I was 11 years old. That's an eternity. My life is absolutely nothing like it was when I was 11, but the one constant through that entire time was Brian Dawkins starting at safety for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Now let's get to him actually leaving. When I first heard he'd signed with the Broncos I was pissed at the entire Eagles organization - Joe Banner, Andy Reid, Jeff Lurie - they should all burn for this. How could you let the heart of the franchise leave so unceremoniously? But the more I read about it, the more my opinion changed. The Broncos gave him a ludicrous contract. A contract no one should be giving a 35 year old safety that, it's safe to say, has lost a step or two. Now, should the Eagles have done everything they could to get him? Yes. Definitely. And it doesn't exactly sound like they did, especially for as far under the cap as they are. They couldn't spend enough to go over the salary cap even if they wanted too. But 7.5 million for Dawkins? Is he worth that much at this point? Probably not, and that's where you have to fault Brian just a little bit. For all his claims about 'wanting to retire an Eagle' and offering to come back at a discounted rate, he eventually went to the team that offered him the most money. Not that I can blame him. Money's hard to come by. When someone offers you more than someone else....well you go with the higher amount. Football is a business after all. It's often simply the fans that get left hurting.

So no hard feelings B-Dawk. In fact, I wish you all the success in the world. You gave us all you had for 13 years. Whether you play one more year or 5 more, here's hoping you somehow get that elusive title that you totally deserve. It'll hurt to see you in a Broncos uniform, but we'll all get over it. At some point in life you realize that everything really is about the money, and for many Eagles fans I'm sure that point came yesterday. I have no idea how we're gonna replace your leadership, your passion, and your un-arguable talent. There's a gaping hole now present on the Philadelphia Eagles. But it's not the end of the world. I guess what started out as anger for me has slowly transformed into acceptance. So best wishes in Denver Dawkins. Hopefully we'll be seeing you in Canton in a few years. And for the record, you better fucking enter the hall wearing an Eagles jersey.

Random musings on a semi-cold Wednesday

2009-02-25T06:12:00.000-08:00

So you know what's not hard?....recycling. And if you're gonna take the time to recycle, is it really all that hard to separate paper from plastics? This isn't bloody rocket science people. Paper products go in one trash can, plastics and other recyclables go in another. Not that difficult.

So I have extremely low expectations for Transformers 2 and the GI Joe Movie. So the first Transformers was decent, but on repeated viewings it struggles mightily to be as good as it was in theaters. Now comes news that they're changing the Soundwave character. Soundwave was always one of my favorite transformers and easily the coolest decepticon. Now I'm fine with movies diverging a little bit from their source material (for example making Bumblebee into a Mustang and turning Megatron into some sort of plane), but this is too far. You need Soundwave as the transformer ejecting boom box. What's the point of changing him? Fuck you Michael Bay, you pretentious piece of shit. This movie's gonna suck.
Then you get to GI Joe which, along with Transformers, was one of the integral cartoons of my childhood. A movie with an ensemble cast like this obviously cannot be easy to do. But take a clue from X-men. What made the first two movies of that franchise so good was the inspired casting of the villains - Ian McKellen as Magneto and Brian Cox as William Stryker. So who do we get as the villainous, ghastly Cobra Commander..... Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Yes, the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun. Now for all I know he may be a great character actor and may knock the role out of the park, but let's just say that I'm extremely skeptical. Suffice it to say that I don't see him bringing the necessary intensity and evilness to the role to give it that sense of realism.

And let's not even go into Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (which I would only see for the ridiculously hot Kristin Kreuk and Moon Bloodgood) and the truly awful looking Dragonball Evolution (if someone could explain to me why Goku is white that would be awesome). Again, I could be horribly wrong with all these movies. And maybe that's a good thing. Go in not expecting much, and you might be happy just getting a little.

On the other side of things, I'm ridiculously excited for the Watchmen movie. Zach Snyder looks to have a done a thorough job from the clips I've seen. Will it be as good as the graphic novel? Doubful. But does it have a chance to at least be fairly decent? I'd say that's highly probable.

The word 'delish' bothers me. Can we just agree to stop using it?

Words/phrases that should be brought back:
1) Queef - I'm shocked this word never entered the public consciousness
2) Peace out bitches - so maybe it never officially 'left,' but it's so horribly nerdy and white, it just needs to be used more often
3) Bitchin - another word that really never came into it's own
4) Cracker/Honky - is anyone actually offended by either of those terms?

I watch waaay too much TV...

2009-02-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

So I've been on a TV show binge of late. I'm a total TV junkie and I've seen waaay too many shows of late. I finished the fantastic third season of Friday Night Lights earlier today. This show is just too fucking good. The characters are so well written and developed that they have a realism to them that forces you to root for them....all of them. Most shows have characters that you absolutely cannot stand (for instance, I don't get how we were supposed to be cheering for Tony Soprano - he was a fat, greedy, lazy fuck that repeatedly cheated on his wife and shot his 'beloved' cousin rather than go to war; I would've throw a party if he got killed) but you don't find that with FNL. It's impossible not to relate to at least some aspect of every chacracter on the show. Despite the critical acclaim, people still aren't watching this show. Personally I blame the lack of publicity NBC gives it and it's Friday night time slot. Now I understand people not staying home to watch FNL. I'm rarely home on Friday nights. Simply put, no show's gonna succeed given such a shitty time slot. But here's what blows my mind.... more people are watching Ghost Whisperer than are watching Friday Night Lights!! You gotta be fucking kidding me. Have you seen Ghost Whisperer?! I'm a huge Jennifer Love Hewitt fan; I'll watch pretty much any movie she's in. But this show is fucking terrible! And more people are choosing to watch it than the utterly terriffic Friday Night Lights?? This blows my mind. What the fuck is wrong with the viewing public? That's just absolute bullshit and beyond my comprehension.

While I'm on television shows, I really think Friday Night Lights, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother need to come with some sort of warning: 'Caution: the following show may contain highly upsetting, heart-wrenching moments of emotional anguish.' Seriously, I don't know if there are three other things that have collectively made me yell so much. All three shows are incredibly well-written with characters that you can't help but get invested in. If you have any sort of heart at all then there will undoubtedly be a few moments during the viewing of these shows where you'll want to scream, cry, or both. Betweem Pam and Jim, Ted and Robin, and the entire cast of FNL, I was simply not ready for the toll these shows would take on me. So looking out for future viewers, I think it only appropriate that The Office, Friday Night Lights, and How I Met Your Mother come with some sort of disclaimer. That way, before you get truly invested, you'll know what you're getting into.

So I finally finished the fifth and final season of The Wire. If there's one show out there that can honestly be described as 'horribly underrated,' it has to be The Wire. The show tackled uncomfortable subjects that other shows have simply avoided all together. I'm not gonna go into a big diatribe on how good this show was, or how much ground it broke, or what it says about our society that it got barely any recognition (I'm sure you can find all that with a simple google search), but I will say that I think it's only a matter of time before we get an urban studies course that's taught using only The Wire. The show's as powerful as any documentary but infinitely more entertaining. It's a show that was likely ahead of it's time and it's a shame that it couldn't be continued for a few more seasons. After finishing the last episode I had an empty feeling inside; it felt like one of my friend's had just moved away forever. The Wire will make you think while you're watching it, and it literally had me pondering for a day after I'd finished the last episode. It was that fucking good and it's a shame that we have nothing like it to fill the gigantic void it has left in the television landscape. Suffice it to say that According to Jim just doesn't fill the space.

Screw You Obama

2009-02-10T07:06:00.000-08:00

So I was really happy with the election of Barack Obama. It's nice to have an intelligent, eloquent man as our president. In general I enjoy hearing Barack speak. He's extremely articulate and tends to actually answer questions that are asked of him. Now, before Obama was elected he took out a 30 minute spot before game 5 of the World Series. I wasn't all that pleased by this, but it wasn't that big of a transgression.
Let's explain one thing here first. I'm a big television fan. That being said, Monday's are probably the best TV night of the week....Chuck, Heroes. Big Bang Theory, and How I Met Your Mother. I look forward to my Monday nights like a crack addict looks forward to his next fix. My Monday night schedules are intricately planned around my shows. So when I heard Obama was gonna be doing a little talk thing from 8 to 8:30, I wasn't exactly enthralled. But still, he's gonna change the world etc. etc..... so fine, whatever. At 8:30 I turned on CBS to watch the excellent How I Met Your Mother, and what do I find?....Obama's still on! WTF?! Barack ended up not being done til 9. How I Met Your Mother DID NOT AIR! Now President Obama, if you're gonna talk for an hour, so be it, but don't fucking tell me that you're gonna be done by 8:30 and get me all excited to watch a show only to tune in and find you still talking. Not cool. You get a pass this time, but if it happens again, well, I smell impeachment.

Oh, and a note to the reporter that asked Obama what he thought about A-Rod admitting that he did steroids. Really?? You get one question to ask the president, and that's it? You gotta be fucking me. What the hell did you expect him to say? Unless Obama's gonna be like 'I love 'roids, I use them all the damned time' that's a useless fucking question. You know the answer! And honestly, does this shock anyone? Baseball was already more or less a joke, and no one likes Rodriguez anyways. Um, and pretty sure we have more important concerns than a baseball player doing steroids 6 years ago. Get your fucking priorities straight.

On the Eagles losing (again)

2009-01-25T13:21:00.001-08:00

So the Eagles blew another chance to go to the Super Bowl last weekend (that's four NFC championship games losses under Andy Reid...not that I'm counting or anything). Aside from the game against that Rams team (also led by Kurt Warner), the birds were favored in every match-up. Once again, as in the other three losses, the Eagles came out flat; they seemed shocked by everything the other team ran. I guess I'm supposed to say that this loss hurts the most.... but to be honest, it really doesn't. The Eagles losing a meaningful game? Yeah, and the sun also rose today. Sad to say it, but I think I'm numb to the Eagles now. They're like going back to an abusive, cheating girlfriend. You'll have some fun and there'll be good memories, but in the end, like allllll the times before, you'll just end up in pain and with a broken heart. Eventually you kinda just say 'fuck it' and expect her to berate you and sleep around. That's the Philadelphia Eagles. They crush your living soul and you don't bat an eye. Thank god for the Phillies...

Some Thoughts on an Unusually Warm Chirstmas Day...

2008-12-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

Sooo I was completely wrong on Heroes. The season finale was an utter train wreck; an insult to the entire fan base, honestly. I wish I'd given up on it weeks ago like smarter people had. It seems as if the creators of the show take us, the fans, for slightly mentally challenged monkeys. They now shatter the laws of physics on a weekly basis, not to mention destroying any pretense of episodic continuity. The characters' motivations seems to change every episode and things just happen a little too conveniently. Ando gets some sort of amplifying power and combining his power with Daphne's, who runs really fast, he can time travel? What?! They did that in one of the Superman movies years ago...and it was bullshit then! How does he control it? How can they go forward and backwards?? I'm sure Einstein is rolling in his grave. The creators of Heroes owe us an apology for making us sit through that entire sub-par season for an absolutely atrocious season finale. You fuckers. That last episode was an affront to TV viewers everywhere. A season that started out with such promise turned into a heaping crap of bullshit in the matter of an hour. Will I watch the show when it starts up again in January? Yeah, probably...but it's on a short lease. Anything less than exceptionality and I'll be changing the channel. And for the love of god, whoever's making Heroes needs to wisen up and treat us like intelligent human beings. One more season finale like that and Tim Kring and company should be caned. I have low expectations for whatever they're gonna do next with the show, but hey, I'll still take it over Law and Order.

Joining Heroes on the 'list of things that have jumped the shark' would have to be, sadly, Chris Cornell. Look man, you went from combining metal and grunge in Soundgarden (only one of the most innovative and influential bands of the 90s), to forming super group Audioslave (which, though it never came out with that one 'great' album, was still a fairly decent listen), to carving out a fairly decent solo career for yourself, even getting to do the song for Casino Royale. Things were looking good. But then you decided you wanted to go mainstream or whatever. You know what, I'm fine with that. Do what you gotta do....but make sure the music stays good. If you keep the music good as you evolve, then I have no problem with whatever you're doing. Instead, Cornell's sold his soul to Timbaland to create what is, essentially, nothing more than an over-produced, run-of-the-mill pop album. Take a listen to Scream. It doesn't sound remotely like a rock album. The drum track sounds like something off an Alicia Keys record, the over-dubbing of vocals creates a glossy sound that ultimately sounds cheesy and artificial, and the distinct lack of any sort of guitar work signals the 'sold out!' alarm. Worse than that, the song's fucking boring! I love Cornell's voice. One of the best rock singers of all time (in my opinion) and Jesus Christ Pose has to be in my top ten song list. But what he's turned into is a shame. A waste of that awesome, metal snarl that was a big 'fuck you' to anything that resembled pop music. I'm all for having pop sensibilities; making your music more accessible to the mainstream (so to speak) public. Making a "rock" record produced by Timbaland though? Yeah, not working for me man. Timbaland's an awesome producer who makes some fantastic beats, but producing a rock record with someone who has a voice like yours? Not his thing. You should've stuck to what you know Chris. If you wanted to go commercial, well hey, I guess you succeeded. But don't expect us to ever, ever put you into the same category as an Eddie Vedder, Cobain or Billy Corgan. Your chance for that is now gone.

Just a thought on Plaxico Burress. Disregard the fact that he's retarded - if you need to take a gun into a club, well maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't be going into that club in the first place!! Forget that he put the gun into his waistband rather than some sort of holster. Don't even worry about him shooting himself - shit happens. What really bothers me is this Plaxico went to a club in his sweat pants. Who goes to a motherfucking club in their sweat pants??!! Are you shitting me? I'm of the firm opinion that guys should not go into public places in sweat pants unless 1) it's a sweat pants party, or 2) it's before 7 am and you're just going out to get coffee or breakfast. Any other time and you're telling the world 'i'm a lazy fuck who doesn't give a shit about his shoddy appearance.' Now, throw in the fact that Plax is not in just any public place, but he's in some sort of club. Not a supermarket or a Wawa.... a fucking club. Plus he's in New York, a city where people get dressed up to go to the corner and grab a newspaper. The rest of the story suggests that Plaxico is, by all accounts, an idiot, and if nothing else it's an amusing anecdote, but I can't forgive going into a club in sweat pants. That's just straight bullshit. Thank god you're on the Giants....

On TV and Snow

2008-11-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

So as long-rumored, ABC canceled the fantastic Pushing Daisies. What a crock. They take off one of the smartest, wittiest, best written shows on television while they continue to broadcast putrid shit like Supernanny, The Bachelor, Desperate Housewives and Wife Swap. They get rid of a smart, creative, truly unique show while they continue to produce crap that simply attracts the lowest common denominator. What has happened to TV? I'm sure ABC will claim that Pushing Daisies' diminutive ratings simply didn't make up for it's production costs, but how can you expect to even draw an audience when you don't give the show a real chance to blossom? Pushing Daisies was just hitting it's stride, and now the show won't even be given the opportunity to finish it's second season. What the hell is that? Why even bother following and getting emotionally invested in a show if it could be canceled next week? There were few shows on TV as good as Pushing Daisies, and whether you followed the show or not, this is a sad day for television watchers everywhere.

Speaking of shows, I just started watching 30 Rock. I plowed though the first season in maybe a week and am in the middle of the second right now. I have no idea why I never watched this before. It has one of the best casts ever, never ceases to be hilarious, and is written by every guy's secret crush, Tina Fey. With it's quirky humor and numerous pop culture references, 30 Rock's quickly become must-watch TV for me. But throw aside the hilarity and the witty banter for a second. Disregard Tina Fey's fantastic portrayal of insecure head writer Liz Lemon and the horribly underrated Alec Baldwin's cocky but ultimately good hearted Jack Donaghy. The true shining star of 30 Rock can only be one character: Cerie. Played by the super attractive Katrina Bowden, Cerie's sole purpose on the show is to be hot. It is literally all she does. She is paraded around in a variety of skimpy outfits that both entice the imagination and help to skewer the superficial nature of television and Hollywood in general. And the thing is, as a character Cerie breaks the usual mold by being self-aware: she knows she is there simply for sex appeal and revels in the role. Like bacon on a cheeseburger, Cerie takes something that is already awesome and raises it to another level.

On a non-TV related note, we had our first real snowfall of the year in Philly a few days ago. Now normally I love snow. It just seems really pure and has a calming effect on me. I love waking up in the morning to see everything covered in a fresh blanket of snow. Driving in it however? That's a completely different fucking story. I don't get it. You get a little bit of snow and people forget how to drive. They drop their speed to 20 mph and brake seemingly every 50 feet. What the fuck? If this is some place in Texas where you're not gonna get snow...okay, I can understand that. But this is freaking Philadelphia! If you live here, chances are good that you've seen and driven in snow before!! So what gives? And the thing is, if people see rain, which for all intents and purposes would be much more dangerous to drive in, they go as fast as ever. It makes no sense. So a simple plea to not only the residents of Philly, but to everyone around the world: just cause it's snowing doesn't mean you have to forget how to drive. If you have a running car with working tires you'll be fine. So stop crawling around the highways like motherfucking snails. If you can't drive in snow then get off the road, cause snow won't be half as dangerous as me ramming your car off the god damned road if you don't push the pedal down and actually go somewhere close to the speed limit.

Thumbs Down to the IGN Babe Election

2008-11-20T07:27:00.000-08:00

When I first saw that IGN was doing a tournament-style bracket to determine, in their words "the ultimate eye-candy," I was quite enthusiastic. I mean, what guy doesn't like ranking girls based on their looks? This would be fun!
IGN had amassed a pretty thorough list of hot girls to rank (though the omissions of Halle Berry, Adrianne Palicki, Anna Paquin and Mila Kunis are a bit disconcerting). For the most part, I can't argue with the results thus far. I wouldn't have had Megan Fox beat Keira Knightley, but it's understandable. I'm really just a sucker for Keira's accent. Scarlett beating Hayden and Petra Nemcova beating Jennifer Garner are close calls, but oh well, I can live with that. There was one result, though, that I simply could not digest.
Now I'm a big fan of the show Chuck. For the last 1+ season it's been a fun, fairly brainless show, an excellent lead-in to the drama filled hour that will be Heroes. Chuck has likable characters that were properly developed, an excellent supporting cast, and the right blend of action, humor, and romance to keep things interesting. That being said, I'd be lying if I said that the best part of the show was anything other than Yvonne Strahovski. I don't know why this girl doesn't get talked about more often; she is absolutely, completely, unequivocally smoking hot. Like ridiculously so. She may be the hottest blonde I have ever seen and I don't think there's a hotter girl on television right now. Yet, most people have never heard of her.
Seeing her in IGN's tournament thing, I had her pegged for my Final Four, and possibly winning the whole damn thing. She beat Olga Kurylenko in the first round (you should watch Hitman just to see Olga being ridiculously hot) as she should have, but then, she lost to Keeley Hazell in Round 2! the second round?! To Keeley Hazell??!! To Keeley fucking Hazell???!!! Who the fuck is that?? So a quick google search tells you that she's basically some whore from England that made a sex tape. So Yvonne, that shimmering goddess of all things that are good in this world, lost to a big-titted British version of Paris Hilton. You gotta be fucking kidding me. What a god damend joke. Now humanity as a whole has made some poor choices - we elected Bush to be our president, we like Nickelback, we still resist gay marriage - but this is unconsciable. To pick some whore with big boobs that has done absolutely nothing over an ultra attractive, talented actress on a great show.... well that pretty much speaks for itself. Men (and women) all over the world should be ashamed that this has come to pass. I take this as a personal affront. What has happened to us as a race when we're picking Keeley fucking Hazell over Yvonne Strahovski?? A sad day for humanity. And if I ever see this Keeley fucking hazell chick, I'm gonna push her in front of a bus.... or maybe just have her sign a copy of her DVD.

A burrito fueled thought...

2008-11-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

A random thought I had as I went to grab a burrito at midnight in the rain:

If there were gunshots, wouldn't you want to run towards them? I mean, what are the odds of gunshots being fired in the same place on the same night? Rather low me thinks

A Note for the Slackers

2008-11-08T15:16:00.001-08:00

If all your friends work too hard, there's a chance you're just lazy...

Stop Bitching About Heroes

2008-11-07T06:18:00.000-08:00

I've been a big Heroes fan since the show started. A show that revolves around people with super powers and has a plethora of hot girls as regular cast members? Yeah, I'm in. The first season was also surprisingly good. Decent acting with great storytelling and lots of plot twists made for some good TV. Then came the second season which, for whatever reason, just kinda blew. I don't know if it was rushed, or not well thought out, or just severely affected by the writer's strike, but the season was an absolute struggle. The plot was convoluted at best, the character development was non-existent, and the script was horribly uninspired. Seems like the writers and creators rested on their laurels and kinda just mailed season 2 in. The writer's strike, then, seemingly came at a good time for the writers of Heroes. It allowed them to re-group their thoughts and start fresh with season 3.
I had big expectations for season 3, and I have to admit that they have totally been met. The first season was unpredictable and addictive TV, and season 3 has been the same. You have new characters, some surprises that one would have been hard-pressed to guess, and tons of plot swings and mysteries that make for compelling viewing. I was excited that Heroes was back up and flying again, and I figured that other people shared in my enjoyment of the show. I was semi-shocked to see that the season has not been regarded well. Producers are being fired, rating are down, and reviews in general have been negative. Okay, what the fuck gives? What's with all the hate?
Now I'll be the first to admit that the story has got a bit convoluted at points, and with all the character and time switches happening, if you miss one episode you're pretty much fucked. But that doesn't make it a bad show. Here's what I think's going on.

1) How people view Heroes

I go into Heroes the same way I would go into, say, an X-men comic book. You enter into a fantasy world where people die and come back to life on a fairly normal basis, where characters switch allegiances all the time, and where parallel realities and time travel are not really questioned. I believe that the quality of any movie or show will be determined by the expectations that a viewer has going into the medium, and I truly think that this has a lot to do with one's enjoyment of Heroes. If you watch Heroes with already suspended beliefs regarding physics and the idea that people can have super powers, that is if you watch Heroes placing your mind into a 'super hero universe', you will find the show utterly enjoyable. If you watch Heroes with the same mindset that you watch say Law and Order, you're not gonna enjoy Heroes. With a comic book/sci-fi show like Heroes you simply have to block reality from your mind for an hour or the show will lose all its magic.

2) We have no attention spans anymore

Heroes is one of those shows you have to pay specific attention to. If you miss one scene you could miss something pivotal and be completely lost. We're a fast-paced, multi-tasking society. I don't think anyone will argue that this has, to a certain degree, dumbed down our cognitive abilities to the point where we find it difficult to sit still and focus. I often find myself browsing the web or doing a crossword during the show, then there comes a point where I realize that if I don't start paying close attention I'm not gonna have a fucking clue what's going on. Yeah, I guess you could say it's almost a form of work at that point, but when you've invested that much time and thought into a show isn't it worth it to just sit down and really try to watch the damn thing?

Heroes isn't perfect....but what show is? It has an interesting premise, a decent plot, good actors, and sweet special effects. Not to mention the plethora of hot chicks on the show (yeah, giving Nikki two other sisters was a little too convenient, but I support anything that keeps Ali Larter on my television screen). I mean, what else do you really want from a show? The season only seems to be getting better and if anyone tells me they know where they're going with the storyline I'd call them a fucking liar. And I get that some people don't like what they're doing with the characters themselves, but the way I look at it, the show shouldn't be about the individual characters; the characters should serve to further the plot and the story. The show should be about the entire 'Heroes universe' so to speak. That's how they do it in comics - you kill a character if it helps the overall story - and that's the attitude they need to bring to Heroes. Yeah, I get that a lot of the cast have become big stars now, but you have to kill people sometimes. Clearly there'll be fan backlash, but if they're truly fans of the show they'll understand that it's for the better.
So stop bitching about Heroes. It's still better than the majority of drivel that's on TV right now and all things considered, I think the show is getting better. So how about we give the season a fucking chance instead of dismissing it for a variety of non-critical reasons? It's still fun, it's still exciting, and it's still entertaining as all hell. And besides, even if the show gets to an unwatchable point, at the very least we can stare longingly at the getting-hotter-every-day Hayden Panettiere running around in leather and high heels. Scrumptuous.

Thank God for Election Day

2008-11-05T07:09:00.000-08:00

The build-up to the freaking election took fooooooorever. It seriously needed to end. I have a lot of faith that Obama has the ability to lead this country in a new direction, but if his people called or emailed me one more time I was ready to say 'fuck it' and go vote for McCain. I've been jaded by politics, not gonna lie. When I vote I tend to vote for the lesser of two evils. I refuse to believe that there are any completely honest politicians out there, even President Obama. Everyone has an agenda and a paper trail. You can't become president of the United States without scratching a few backs. It's a shame it's gotten to this point for me, and if I had to blame the one thing about politics that completely turns me off it's the constant negative attack ads and the derisive propaganda. Look, instead of telling me how bad your opponent is why don't you tell me your actual fucking policies? Are we, as voters, so stupid now that we no longer respond to what you actually plan to do? Evidently politicians truly believe that the only way they can get to us is by telling us how awful and bad for America their opponents are. And honestly, can we say that they are really wrong in believing this?

How many people voted based on the candidates actual policies? I'm sure tons of people voted for Obama or McCain simply based on their race. Others voted based simply on party affiliation. How many people actually know the differences between the issues presented by Obama and McCain? Neither one has given us anything concrete to contemplate. Both will 'fix the economy.' Each will 'end the war.' Um...is it too much for you to tell us how exactly?

Ultimately the choice of Palin back-fired on McCain. It was a risk, though, that he had to take. He knew he was behind Obama and he needed to make a radical push to get disillusioned women voters, ultra-conservatives that saw him as too liberal, and the un-decided voters. At first Palin created a hell of a buzz. A female vice-president?! Then....she opened her mouth. I don't know if it's possible to calculate how much damage the Katie Couric interview did to the Republican party. I'm fine with people being religious, but I take issue with anyone who takes the Bible that literally. If our vice-president truly believed that dinosaurs and humans walked at the same time - well I'm just not okay with that. It's preposterous, and Palin lost the confidence of any reasonable person. Throw in her ridiculous views on abortion (sorry you got raped - enjoy the baby!) and her complete lack of foreign experience (when did she get a passport? like 2 months ago?) and it was clear that she was barely qualified to cook me a hot dog let alone be in a high political position. Also, a presidential term takes a toll on the president. Look at Clinton and Bush before and after their terms ended. They look like they aged 25 years. McCain's already in his 70s. The odds of him surviving the daily stresses of his entire term were decidedly not good. And if he died in office that means Palin would've taken over. I don't fucking think so. If she took over as the leader of this country I would've moved to Europe.

Honestly, I really like John McCain as a person. If it was him against Hillary or him against Kerry, McCain probably would've gotten my support. What repuled me was when McCain basically sold his soul to the Christian right. I mean, he had to, but what about your ideals man? Politics is all about compromise but that's a bit much to me. Would you behave the same way in office? In exchange for Iran not bombing Israel we let them kill student protesters. I'm not cool with that. Members of the Christian right are no different than fundamental Muslims in my opinion, and I can't trust anyone that seems to be-friend them in exchange for favors. These are the same people that support blowing up abortion clinics and killing hundreds of innocent people in order to save lives. They're fucking hypocrites. We NEED to keep religion out of politics, and I'm not confident either McCain or Palin would've done so. That being said, McCain needs to be congratulated on his concession speech. It was beautifully delivered and heartfelt - the very thing that made McCain so popular in the first place, but a key facet of his personality that he seemed to lose as the race went on. McCain is an idealist and ultimately he was just not genuinely slimy enough to do what needed to be done to win the Republicans the presidency. It's hard not to respect McCain for all he's done. His campaign may have been a bit mis-guided but I don't think that's a true representation of him as a person. Obama has talked about unifying the red and blue states; well, giving McCain a post somewhere within your regime would be a great way to start.

With The Phillies winning the World Series a mere seven days ago, and Obama winning the presidency only 6 days later, I think it's safe to say I have a new found faith in the world. I never thought the I'd see the day Philly won a championship and I never figured America would be able to suppress their racist, fearful nature long enough to elect an African-American president. But they both succeeded. So good job Phillies, good job Obama, and good job America. I may tend to be cynical towards the American public - we're fat, spoiled, de-value education, take freedoms for granted, have some sort of bizarre fascination with violence - but they showed me yesterday. They did what I truly believe was best for this country. Racism is not dead but this is a huge step forward. As the older generations were dying off it was time for my generation to step forward and claim their rightful place on the throne of American politics, and we did not disappoint. Apathy be damned. This is our country now and fuck you if we're not having our say. This is a true paradigm shift, one which America sorely needed. So we embark on a new phase of American and world history, one that will place Barack Obama, an African-American, in the forefront. As evidenced by the late night gatherings in cities across the country, he means a lot to a ton of people, and I do not think he will disappoint us. The economy may be failing us, the polar ice caps may be melting, we may be engaged in who knows how many wars, but there's hope that we will survive all of that. For the first time in who knows how long, it's truly exciting to be an American.

This Changes Everything

2008-11-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

Holy fucking shit. The Phillies did it. They actually did it. They won the god-damned World Series. 25 years of Philly sports futility gone. Just like that. Yeah, this post is about a week late, but I think I've finally calmed down enough to talk rationally about what happened. This wasn't just a normal sports championship. This was a championship for Philly. This, without any hyperbole, changes everything.
As much as I love Philly, I'll be the first to admit that we have an inferiority complex. We're jealous of all the attention that New york, Boston and DC get. Besides that, we hadn't won anything in a long time. A loooong time. Philly fans are decidedly NOT hopeful fans. We are cynical. We expect the worst...always. Something will go wrong. We know it. And in 25 years none of our teams have proven us wrong. And I hate to say it, but this lack of faith has extended to our personal lives. Whenever shit goes wrong for me I rationalize it with something like 'well of course that would happen.... I am a Philly fan.' Our bitterness had managed to purvey every aspect of our lives, casting a veritable gloom over this fine city. We had no hope. We were a city of losers. This was our destiny and we had accepted it. Did we enjoy always losing? Fuck no. But we were resigned to it. In Philly, losing wasn't just an option.... it was a way of life.
That all changed last Wednesday. The Phillies put an end to the drought, pushing away the pall the was suffocating the city. The joyous exuberance I beheld last Wednesday was nothing I have ever witnessed before. It was just truly fucking awesome. High-fiving everybody in site. Random strangers picking me up while I yelled like a fool. Everyone hooting and hollering. People running into the streets to high-five cabbies. Cars honking with their passengers hanging out of every window and sun roof and screaming like they were on a roller coaster. Grown men hugging each other. People literally dancing in the streets; jumping around like the rabid balls of emotion that they were. Then the whole crowd ran towards City Hall and congregated on Broad Street. It was revelry beyond explanation. A giant mass of people yelling their asses off, jumping up and down, and chanting "let's go Phillies!!" The amount of good vibes in the air was unfathomable. I'll never see my city more united. People with little in common all joined together by a singular happiness. Even as we left Broad Street and walked back to West Philly, the amount of people on the streets and the number of cars that would honk once they saw our Philies red was really fucking cool. Is there a better feeling then yelling in unison with people in a moving car as they go speeding by you?
If you're not from Philly it's hard to explain what this means to the city, what it means to the fans. I've been waiting for this moment for all of my life, and it's a feeling that I will have forever. For the record, I didn't cry, but everytime I hear Harry Kalas' final call I definitely get a bit misty-eyed. The true enormity of the Phils accomplishment didn't really hit me until yesterday. I turned on the flyers game and they were down 5-3 heading into the third. They ended up losing to the Oilers 5-4. But after the game, rather than yelling and cursing at the TV while I questioned the talent and sexuality of the team, I simply sat back on my couch, clapped my hands a couple times, and uttered 'it's alright...you'll get em next time.' That is most definitely not what you would expect from a Philly fan. The Phillies did more than give us a world title. In a city that expects the worst, in a time when shit seems to be going worse and worse, the Phillies did what no one else could.... they gave us hope.

So a thought on the celebrating that took place after we won:
While we were down at Borad Street everybody was cool for the most part. Yeah, you had some people on top of traffic signals and others jumping up and down on an awning, and a few people were tearing branches off trees and shit, but all things considered it was nothing too bad. Nothing compared to what was expected. When I got back home, however, I turned on the news and they were talking about the fires and destruction that had taken place pretty much exactly where I had been at. People broke into a luggage store and flipped cars. It's a shame that though the majority of people were well-behaved a few dumb asses will once again give Phily fans a bad name. And really, a luggage store? Not jewelery, or electronics, but....luggage? Only in Philly can we not even pillage a store correctly. Honestly though, the whole 'we won so let's destroy our city!' phenomenon has never made sense to me. I love this fucking city. If you didn't love it, why would you be rooting for the Phils in the first place? So after they win it, we're gonna tear our city down? Huh? How exactly does that make sense? If we wanna destroy Tampa, or Boston or New York, I can understand that. 'We won so suck it'. But why are we destroying our own city? Winning a championship should give you some pride in your city. It makes you wanna walk up to random people and go 'my city is better than yours motherfucker!!,' it shouldn't make you wanna tear your city down. So people, stop this bullshit. Think before you act. I'm all for celebrating til I collapse from exhaustion, but there's no need to burn, loot, and otherwise harm this great city.

Here's a few pictures from all the post-victory craziness:

Masses of People on Broad Street

Fans Celebrate in Front of City Hall

Guy on Top of a Traffic Light

On an Awning at Broad Street

On Game 5

2008-10-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

Really god, really? The Phils are on the brink of winning their first World Series in 28 years, we have our ace on the mound, everything's primed and readied for the fans and this city to explode.... and the game gets suspended due to rain. I mean, c'mon. Granted, this is Philly, I never expected winning the title to be easy. If anything, it seems almost right that our first title in nearly a quarter century is marred by a torrential downpour. It's like god said 'fine, I'll give you the title you so crave, but I'm gonna take a little piss on you at the same time,' to which, of course, we all said 'drink a gallon of coffee and bring it on!.' It's hard to be mad at the weather. It is what it is. We can't control it. But so whom do I blame for the game yesterday? That's easy - Bud Selig.
Can we agree that Bud Selig is the worst commissioner in sports? You have the tied all-star game, the all-star game itself counting for home field advantage in the World Series, the over-expansion of baseball to cities that can't possibly support a team, the 1994 strike that canceled the World Series and might have destroyed baseball as we know it in Montreal, and now we have the farce of a game that was game 5 of the 2008 World Series. We knew hard rains were coming in yesterday night. Every meteorologist said as much. And with the World Series games starting later and later we knew we were gonna run into inclement weather. So the wise decision might've been to just postpone the game to a different day. But they start the game....so be it; but at the very least, you need to know when to stop play. At the point where Jimmy Rollins, an amazingly sure-handed shortstop that won a gold glove last year, is unable to catch a routine pop-up cause at the last minute it gets blown ten feet in front of him..... well, it might be time to stop the game. Might be time to stop it then, not two innings later, after the Rays have tied the score and the field resembles a water park more than it does a baseball diamond. What kind of bullshit is that? Worked out pretty well for you, didn't it Bud, suspending a tied game? Allows you to stear clear of criticism. You're a wily prick Bud. The Phillies waste a game from their ace pitcher Cole Hamels and now the Rays have renewed life and energy. That should've been our night. It's not hard to know when a game is unplayable. Selig, you need to cut the bullshit and stop trying to save your slimy ass and put the integrity of the game ahead of everything else. Bud, you're an asshole of a commissioner. You should be ashamed of yourself. If the Phillies go on to lose this game and lose this series, I blame you Bud. There will be blood on your hands. And no matter, win or lose, just know that you're not welcome in this town. We prefer that our sport commissioners actually be somewhat intelligent rather than an egotistical jackass. Plus, I mean, we can't blame god, right? And fas as baseball goes Bud, you seem to think you're the next best thing....

The Best Sports Weekend Ever?

2008-10-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

Let's look at the past weekend for a Philly fan (specifically me):

My alma mater, Penn, beats Yale 9 -7 to continue their un-beaten run in the Ivy League.

The Flyers, who hadn't won a game all season, beat the hated New Jersey Devils in an home-and-home series. Not only does this get the struggling Flyers back on track, but it also hurts the Devils. Well done guys.

Penn State, who you kinda have to root for if you're born in Pennsylvania (not to mention the fact that Penn isn't bowl eligible), beat a tough Ohio State team to remain undefeated and give themselves an excellent chance of playing for the national title.

The Eagles, coming off of a bye, beat a pretty good Atlanta Falcons team 27 - 14 to move above .500 and back into the thick of things in the NFC East. Couple that with the return of Brian Westbrook, who ran for a pair of TDs and a career high 167 yards, and Eagles fans have something positive to look forward to.

Lastly, the Phillies beat Tampa Bay in games 3 and 4 of the World Series to move within one win of bringing Philly it's first championship in my lifetime. Game 3 was one of the most unforgettable games of my life, and game 4 was a slaughter with Ryan Howard hitting home runs and even Joe Blanton (our freaking pticher!) hitting one. That sets us up perfectly for Cole Hamels to pitch the clinching game tonight.

So Penn, PSU, the Flyers, the Eagles, and the Phillies all win all their games this weekend. Best sports weekend of my life? I think that's a resounding yes.

Reaction to Game 3

2008-10-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

Game 3 of the World Series was one of the most exciting baseball games I have ever seen. Ever. I don't care if you're not a Phillies fan or a Rays fan. I don't care if you're not a baseball fan. If you're a sports fan you NEED to be watching this World Series. Game 3 had pretty much anything you could want from a baseball game. You had the ageless wonder 45-year old Jamie Moyer pitching his heart out; Chase Utley and Ryan Howard, two of the most exciting players in the game, hit back-to-back home runs; BJ Upton impressed all of the baseball watching public with both his speed and his glove; the young Rays team managed to come back and tie the game against a previosuly un-hittable Philles bullpen with the help of an error from the normally sure-handed Carlos Ruiz; the Phillies getting a runner to third with no outs in the bottom of the ninth, and a wild pitch, an error, and two intentional walks later, winning the game against a five-man infield with an infield single by the slow-as-all-hell Carlos Ruiz. I mean, words can't express the range of emotions that was felt by every Rays and Philies fan as the game progressed. As soon as it ended we all leapt around like it was the middle of a Slayer mosh-pit. Just one hell of a game. It possibly gave me seven heart attacks and a torn meniscus from jumping up and down after we won.... but still a hell of a game.
I had the pleasure of watching the game at a friend's place in South Philly. As soon as the game was over, at approximately quarter to 2 in the freaking morning, we walked a few blocks to get a cheesesteak from Genos (actually prefer Pats personally, but whatever), and the crowd was just amazing. Everyone decked out in their Phillies gear whooping and hollering like a bunch of rabid monkeys - it was fucking awesome. Don't think I've ever been more proud to be in Philly. People seem to underestimate the ability of sports to galvanize a city. I saw people of every creed and color out there celebrating the Phillies victory together. Just a really cool site to behold and one that actually makes me have some faith in humanity. Thank god I'm not still in Texas. It's always more fun to be cheering on your team with your own kinfolk. So thanks Phillies. For a hell of a game and a hell of a night. Two more games and we got the World Series title..... and then this city can really explode.

An Apology to the Flyers

2008-10-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Philly'a good hockey town and I've always been a big hockey fan. I look forward to the Flyers hitting the ice every October. A lot of people will criticize hockey as being unnecessarily violent or too low scoring, but I'd wager that those people are rather new to the sport of hockey. The fights are a way of self-policing that prevents players from taking cheap shots against the other team's more skilled players, and with the influx of superbly talented players and a change in rules the league is much more high-scoring than it used to be. Hockey would be the hardest sport for me to play. I can barely do anything on ice and I can't imagine running around and swinging a stick while a 6'3 barrel of rage is skating as hard as he can straight at you with the intent of slamming your body into the nearest wall. It's just not gonna happen. The hand-eye coordination of hockey players and the graceful way that they move around the ice is something to behold. I love the sound of metal on ice. And there's nothing more raucous than a Philly hockey crowd. The beginning of hockey season is the true sign that summer has ended and fall has begun, and there could be no more welcoming colors than the orange and black. All that being said, I owe the Flyers an apology.
I've watched maybe two periods of hockey so far. I could make a variety of excuses, but the simple truth is that the Phillies are over-shadowing the Flyers right now. Sorry Flyers, I don't mean to ignore you... but we're in the fucking World Series! That happens like once a generation in this town. I'm emotionally invested in the Phils and Eagles right now, and that leaves me little to offer the Flyers. These are unusual circumstances. By the time the Flyers kick their season off, Philly baseball has usually been dead for a while. But this year was different. I simply wasn't ready. Yeah I know, the Flyers were really damn good last year and look to be a pretty sweet team this year (though their failure to get a win in their first five games doesn't add much confidence to that statement), and I'm sure I'll jump back on the train once the World Series is over, but for now hockey's gonna have to take a backseat. So keep on going Flyers. With any luck, it'll be you guys that I'm watching in June and the Phillies that I'm ignoring. The sports world can be a cruel mistress. It's okay to be jealous, normal even. But no worries, I'm not really cheating - more just playing the field. Your place on the sports back-burner is only momentarily. Come October 30th you'll have me all to yourself... well you guys and the Eagles.... um, and the Sixers...

9 things that NEED to end

2008-10-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

1) Anybody playing/liking/acknowledging Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

What a completely terrible, awful, god forsaken, no good song. I'm saying this right now: anyone who likes this song knows shit about music. If you take the tongue-in-cheek sexually fused lyrics and blues-y guitar driven music of old-school Aerosmith and take a giant crap on it, light it on fire, throw on more fuel, then piss on the whole flaming mess to put the fire out... you'd get this atrocious music. Early Aerosmith was experimental and influenced countless numbers of young Americans to pick up a guitar. Steven Tyler's voice was truly something to behold (I dare you to listen to Dream On without getting chills). I Don't Wannt Miss A Thing is trite and boring. The lyrics are uninspired and I'm not sure that there actually are any guitars involved in the song. The piece of shit sucks. It just plain fucking sucks. The sad part is that despite playing some absolutely kick-ass songs for over 25 years, the majority of music fans under 30 primarily know Aerosmith for making "that song from Armageddon". I'm not linking to I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. If you really want to hear the horrendous piece of pop mediocrity for yourself, go for it. I for one refuse to admit that one of the best American bands ever had anything to do with the making of this song. So please, can we just stop playing this giant turd of a song and use one of those mind-wiping devices from Men in Black to erase all memories of this terrible piece of shit ever existing? Cool, thanks,

Side note: I know there's a lot of people who like this song. Now, I'm not saying that you should be shot. What I am saying is this: don't ever say you have any taste in music. Don't ever claim to have any discernible musical knowledge. Cause if you like this song, then you don't. Case closed.

2) Heelys/Crocs

What the fuck's wrong with sneakers or flip-flops? Crocs are the dumbest things ever. What's the damned point of an ugly, bright neon shoe-type object with holes in it? And Heelys are even worse. Who hasn't been cut-off by some five year old punk kid wearing a pair of these obnoxious fucks? What happened to walking? As a society do we now need wheels on our fucking shoes just to get around?? And they wonder why kids are fat! I'm waiting for the first Heelys related death. It'll probably be from me... when I'm walking down a sidewalk and push a stupid kid wearing a pair of those things into an oncoming bus. Maybe next time get something with rockets you little turd!

3) Preppy Clothing

If you live anywhere that has perceived "trendy" people with expendable money (a high end mall, any ivy league campus, California) you know exactly what i'm talking about. You have guys walking around in shorts, sandals, polos and aviators, and girls in uggs and, of course, aviators. Now, it's not the clothes and accessories themselves that piss me off (granted, I do wanna jab a stick into the eye of anybody wearing aviators -why in the name of fuck do you need a pair of novelty, over-sized sunglasses?), it's the fact that you have all these people wearing the same fucking thing. Sure, they may be from different stores, but all the shit looks the same. When did originality become a bad thing? Is creativity as we know it dead? You wear that preppy shit and what you're basically telling me is 'you really wanna fit in.' There's no other reason to wear clothes like that. None at all. You simply wanna be part of the "popular" crowd. If that's what they want, then I guess so be it, but for once, it'd be nice to see people try and be different. For once I'd like to see the mice try and actually escape the maze rather than simply going for the cheese.

4) Kidrock

Kidrock fucking sucks. Always has, always will. How he has succeeded with so little talent is beyond my comprehension. Kid's made terrible music before, but he took it to another level with All Summer Long. That awful excuse for music is a disgrace to both Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Show some respect you pretentious asshole and stop making fucking horrible music. I hope you get syphillis and your dick falls off.

5) Seether/Nickelback/Puddle of Mudd/ and all those other stupid bands

I can't tell any of these fucking 'new rock' bands apart. They all make the same crappy music. There's whiny ass lyrics, un-original song structure, and average guitar work. They all look the same and use the same guitar chords. They're all the same god damned fucking band! Nothing about them screams 'originality' or 'groundbreaking.' Sadly, this is probably exactly what many of the record companies want. The music-buying public likes what they know; creativity doesn't sell. But seriously, listen to this or this or this or this. Can anybody actually tell these bands apart? They're all carbon copies of each other. This is bullshit. I have a feeling Hendrix, arguably one of the greatest guitarists of all time, wouldn't even be able to get a record contract today. Look, every decade has it's share of shitty music (not counting the ever-present scourge on the musical landscape that is pop music). The early 60s had a lot of cheesy bubble-gum rock bands that basically tried to replicate "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," but you could at least say that these songs made you happy on a rainy day. By the 70s we had disco, a repetitive, conformist music that could make the devil himself repent - but at least when you were strung out on coke that shit could be fun to dance to. In the 80s we were blessed with the putrid display of hedonism and testosterone that was hair metal. Again though, we can find the silver lining in the fact that no one actually took hair metal seriously, plus who doesn't like to get bombed and sing along to "Cherry Pie?" But you listen to the 'modern rock' that's being played on the radio now-a-days, and what exactly does that bring to the table? It's not happy, it's not danceable, and you sure as hell don't wanna go around singing their lyrics. If anything, the music makes me wanna chug a fifth of scotch and take five vicodins. It's just awful, terrible music that has no good qualities. If there's a god it will certainly end soon.

6) Intolerance

Let me start by acknowledging that I have friends of every race/gender/religion/belief/sexual orientation. I'm extremely accepting of whatever people are. I mean, that's who they are. You can't change that. So intolerance in general just boggles my mind. I honestly can't comprehend how you could truly hate someone because of their skin color. There has to be some sort of psychological disconnect within the 'haters' minds that a psychiatrist is gonna need to explain to me. It literally boggles my mind. This is two-thousand and fucking eight! We are educated enough that any sort of intolerance should not be prevalent in society. I mean, we can send people to the moon, we can clone fucking sheep, we can make satellites that look down on us from up in the sky, we can make beef jerky - but yet we still see people killing each other just cause one group might have a different facial structure. What the fuck??! I'm sure there's many people that have never had any issue with discrimination. Well, you've been extremely lucky and, more likely than not, have led an extremely sheltered life. If you're gay and in the deep south, a black guy in an upscale white neighborhood, a white guy walking through an inner city, a non-native American in Gallup - well then, you know all about being discriminated against.
It's safe to say that by and large we have a sort of tiered version of discrimination in this country. Don Imus makes disparaging remarks about blacks, and he's back to work a year later. Mel Gibson makes disparaging remarks about Jews when he's drunk as balls and his career's pretty much hit the shitter. An Oklahoma legislator bashes gays, and it barely even registers on the national radar (seriously, check out this youtube video of her.) So basically what you can gather from this is that disparaging jews is greatly frowned upon, putting down African-Americans is bad, but I guess everybody does it so we'll forgive you if you stay out of the limelight for a year or so, and if you wanna bash gays, well fuck all, have at it! What the hell is that bullshit? Why is homophobia tolerated while other forms of discrimination are villafied? How does two chicks rubbing tacos together really affect anybody's life? It doesn't ! I don't understand people sometimes (okay, most of the time), and as long as there is hate in this world my opinion of humanity will not be very high.

7) Naked Old People

So I'm sure most people have had this scenario occur: you just finished working out, and you're back in the locker room, tying your shoes, ready to leave the place, when walking down the row of lockers is this old dude, butt-ass naked, his balls bouncing around like two wrinkly coconuts blowing in a strong wind. You quickly look away - but it's too late. That image is ingrained into your head.
If that's happened to you, I share your pain.
I don't quite understand what happens to people's brains when they become old. Is all sense of shame just lost? I mean, I would not be okay just walking around a gym naked, giving everybody full-frontal views of my junk. So what the fuck old people? Is it that hard to grab a freaking towel? No one wants to see your shriveled-up shit. And to the old guy that weighs himself naked... fuck you! That is in no way whatsoever necessary. If I wanted to see old people naked I'd find it on the internet. I don't wanna see that in the locker room. I don't give a damn if you are old and senile - if you're able to work out, then you're more than capable of wrapping a fucking towel around your waist.

8) High School Musical

What is this thing? How did this become a huge fucking national phenomenon? The first time I saw that trailer I thought it was one of those stupid spoof movies. I mean, I remember being a kid. I loved the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon.... but we watched good shit. We had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Clarissa Explains it All, and Saved by The Bell growing up. That was some quality television. But kids today watch this High School Musical bullshit? What the fuck's happened to TV? This is beyond retarded. Whenever I have kids, they're being raised on The A-Team. Mr. T can kick Zac Efron's pansy ass any day of the week. I've never seen a second of this thing, nor do I know anyone who has, but I've been bombarded with god-damned commercials for this awful looking crapfest of a movie for weeks. Enough. If I see one more ad for High School Musical in the middle of a football game I will personally fuck up Ashley Tisdale's nose all over again.

Side note: the only reason for any male to see this movie is for Vanessa Hudgens. I would do some terrible things to her

9) The Fact That I Haven't Seen the Kim kardashian Sex Tape

Holy shit! I just heard she had a sex tape. How did no one tell me about this??! Kim kardashian's a babe. This has the possibility to be the second best celebrity sex tape of all time (although in Kim's case I use the term celebrity very loosely). Obviously she's not gonna top the Pamela Anderson - Tommy Lee sex tape, but after that there's a severe drop-off. There's the infamous Paris Hilton tape, which really isn't all that exciting - the night vision does nothing for me. Not all that interested in seeing Colin Farrell naked. Don't think anyone wants to see the Dustin Diamond sex tape. So the number two spot is ripe for the picking.

Side note: this all changes if the Britney sex tape is real. That would easily catapult into the number one spot. I've never paid for porn before, but that could certainly change if Ms. Spears were involved.

A Change in Color

2008-10-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember, Philadelphia has been a football town. Yeah, we cared about the Phillies, Flyers, and Sixers, but this place lived and died with the Eagles. The vicissitudes of the football season would directly influence the happiness level of an entire city, changing each week with a win or, heaven forbid, a loss. It sounds trite, but this city truly did bleed green.... emphasis on the word did. With the Phillies on the brink of playing for their second World Series in my lifetime, it seems that a sea change is on the horizon in the city of brotherly love.
After their ridiculous win yesterday, the Phillies are up on the Dodgers 3 games to 1. Despite a history of epic meltdowns, I'm confident we'll beat LA and reach the World Series (knock on wood). Once we make it there, the Phils have an excellent chance of beating either the Red Sox or the Rays. If that happens.... this city will explode. I mean FUCKING EXPLODE. There's god odds there will be rioting... which, honestly, I'm kind of fine with. It's been 25 god-damned, long as fuck, cursed to hell years since Philly's won anything, and all the spent up emotion and frustration will release itself like a typhoon. Now, whether the Phils ultimately win the World Series or not, the change of tide could already be in affect - instead of McNabb jerseys, we'll be seeing Utley, instead of Westbrook, we'll have Howard, instead of Dawkins, we'll see Hamels. The Eagles players that have defined the team over the last ten years are starting to get old. Dawkins is 35 and is no longer the force he once was; Akers can't seem to make a field goal over 40 yards and I'd be surprised if this wasn't his final year in an Eagles uniform; and McNabb's seemingly ever-threatened role as Eagles quarterback could finally come to an end after this season if the team can't find a way to win the Super Bowl. Many of the Phillies players are hitting the primes of their careers, and with an absolute stud of a pitcher in Hamels and a killer closer in Lidge, the Phils could be a team to contend with for the forseeable future (I only see short distances).
Philly fans can only take so much heartbreak and fuck-ups, and since andy Reid came to town, no team has brought us more of both than the birds. Sure the Eagles got to 4 NFC title games.... but they then proceeded to lose three of them (two of which, I'll still argue, where the Eagles were the better team). Then they get to the Super Bowl, keep it close, give us hope.... only to run the shittiest two-minute drill in the history of the Super Bowl. Compound that with Reid's refusal to run despite having one of the best offensive lines and running backs in the game, and the constant lack of a big game wide receiver (Terrell Owens notwithstanding), and I think it's safe to say that we've just about given up on the Eagles winning anything with the team as it's currently constituted. I love the Eagles....but you can only hurt me so much until I have to say 'enough already.' It seems that the Age of the Phillies is ready to rise. The Phils are primed and ready to reach the world series, and this current squad has brought us only joy rather than heartbreak. Game five's tomorrow, and you can be sure I'll be wearing my Phillies cap and my Utley jersey. Bleed red Philly, bleed red.

Baseball Playoffs

2008-10-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

The baseball playoffs start today, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. The Phillies made the playoffs last year, but this season's different; we're hungrier, more experienced, have a more talented bullpen and bench, and are just a better put together team. Plus, as opposed to last year when we faced the Rockies, we're the hot team entering this post-season. I have high expectations for this Phillies team.
Anyways, here are my predictions for the first round of the MLB playoffs:

Chicago vs. Tampa Bay:

Do the White Sox actually have any pitching? We know they can hit, but with Griffey and Thome they're an older team. Tampa Bay has been good all year, but they have no playoff experience, which can't be taken for granted. Tampa might not make it to the World Series, but they shouldn't have too much trouble beating what has to be an emotionally spent White Sox team.

Tampa Bay wins 3 - 1

Boston vs. Los Angeles:

This is going to be an awesome series. The Angels are absolutely stacked with pitching, having Saunders, Lackey, Santana and K-Rod. On the other side, the Sox have an awesome line-up with Ortiz, Pedroia, Youkilis and the piece of utter crap that is J.D. Drew. The difference in the series will be that the Sox also have great pitching with Matsuzaka, Lester, Papelbon and the unbelievably clutch Josh Beckett. The Angels have Vladamir, Mark Teixeira, and the ever-aging Garret Anderson, but I have my doubts that players like Kendrick and Figgins will be able to sufficiently set the table.

Boston wins 3 - 2

Chicago vs. Los Angeles

So the Dodgers head into the playoffs smoking hot, but can you name anyone on their team aside from Manny Ramirez? James Loney leads LA in RBIs. Who?... exactly. Billingsley's a good pitcher, and you never want to count out Derek Lowe or Greg Maddux, but how exactly is this team going to take out the Cubs? With Soriano, Ramirez, Lee and Theriot, the Cubs have a pretty scary offense; plus Zambrano, Lilly, Dempster (when the fuck did he become good??), and Wood give them a formidable set of pitchers. It's possible that the Dodgers young players like Kemp and Martin might explode when they reach the playoffs, but I think that's a stretch.

Chicago wins 3 - 1

Philadelphia vs. Milwaukee

The Phillies are coming in on a roll and full of confidence. Howard, Utley, Rollins, and Burrell create an imposing lineup, and Brad Lidge hasn't blown a save all year. What worries me is the tendency for the Phils offense to go limp at certain times. But since September started, Ryan Howard has been hitting everything, and when he's going strong there's very little opposing pitchers can do to slow him down. Milwaukee fought hard to get into the playoffs, (and I was totally cheering for them over the New York - suck it Mets fans!) but I just can't see them having enough offense or pitching to beat the Phillies. Aside from Sabathia, none of their pitchers put the fear of god in me, and do they really have anyone that can drive in a run other than Braun or the fat fuck that is Prince Fielder? I'm happy that the Brewers made the playoffs... and happier that we shouldn't have too much trouble with them.

Philadelphia wins 3 - 1

On a related note, the NL MVP debate seems to be between Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols. If the Cardinals managed to get in the playoffs obviously it would be an easy choice, but with them missing, and Ryan Howard having an incredible September, as usual, many are contemplating a choice between the two first basemen. Let me just say that I love Ryan Howard. He goes great with this city and he always seems to get a big hit when we need one (I hate to make the David Ortiz comparison, but it's right there for the taking). He's one of my favorite players to watch bat and I never change the channel if he's up. Howard led the league in home runs and RBIs and we don't come close to the playoffs without him. That being said, I think Pujols should win the MVP award.
Compare Howard to Pujols. Pujols batted over 100 points higher than Howard while striking out 150 times less. That is freaking insane. Then you have to take into account the face that Pujols is an excellent defender while Howard led NL first basemen in errors comitted. It's intrinsically unfair to penalize Pujols for having an inferior team around him. I'm sure the fact that the Phils have won the last two MVP awards (Howard in 2006 and Rollins in 2007) is affecting my decision to go with Pujols, but the stats really speak for themselves. I would never get rid of Ryan in a million years, but as far as the MVP award goes, do the right thing voters and give it to Pujols.

Palin's a Psycho Bitch

2008-09-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

I can't claim to be the most informed as far as politics go, but it's hard not to get involved for an election that seems to be as vital as the upcoming one. I'm not really a Democrat or a Republican. While socially I definitely lean towards the Democrats, economically I tend to be more conservative. That being said, the social changes that could possibly be enacted by the incoming presidency seem more important to me that any of the economic policies that will be put into place. Even though I wouldn't have voted for John McCain, I at least respected him. He used to be fairly progressive and always seemed to be genuine and honest (well, as honest as a politician can actually be). Then came his campaign for the coming election. Once McCain realized he couldn't get elected on crazy concepts like "ideals" he sold his soul to the lobbyists and the religious right. Honestly, McCain at least had my respect until he brought the religious right onto his side. One of my main problems with Bush (one of many) is that he destroyed any notion of separation of church and state, and now McCain wants to do the same exact thing. But the final straw, the one that turned me vehemently against the McCain campaign, was when he named as his running mate, of all people, Sarah f'ing Palin.
Like most people I'd never heard of her before, but honestly, has anyone listened to her talk? I wouldn't trust her to make me a sandwich let alone to be a heart beat away from running this country. She's an ultra-conservative, evolution denying mayor from a small Alaskan town that potentially believes that man and dinosaur, at one point, walked together. Her interview with Katie Couric is now infamous, and if you haven't seen it, it's totally worth a look. The entire interview is horribly troubling. Here's a lady that believes that 'living close to Russia' gives her foreign policy experience. As much as she got skewered by the awesome Tina Fey on SNL, the sad thing is that her parody of Palin was more or less a paraphrase of what Palin actually said. Can I just say, that is definitively NOT a good thing. When you lampoon a candidate by using her exact words that is a clear sign that said candidate should not be let into office.
I don't know how anyone could ever support Palin. She is freaking psychotic. She opposes abortion at all times (which includes cases of rape), she hates the environment, and can we just be honest that she'll set back female progress in the political field to some time in the 1950s. Now, I found Hillary Clinton to be an icy, manipulative bitch that would try and win at all costs, but never once did I doubt her intelligence; with Palin, who so far has given us nothing but rhetoric and lies, I wonder if she could get out of the tenth grade. While we're being honest, let's be clear on why she's in this position in the first place: she's female and not terrible looking. With those glasses and the business suits she has that whole stripper thing going on. Politically speaking, she's a wise choice by McCain's people: she'll get the uber-conservative votes that McCain simply could not reach, she'll get the voters who will vote for a candidate simply because she's female, and she'll reach the racist stoners that wouldn't vote for Obama cause he's black and would probably be too apathetic and lazy to get up and move from McCain. So I'll give McCain that, she does have the ability to get votes from several demographics he could not hope to reach as an older white male, but that aside, does anybody seriously expect her to be able to do even a semi-decent job if, heaven forbid, she actually reaches office? How is she different from any of the theocratic leaders in many of the countries that we consider our 'enemies'? If someone can tell me how a conservative heardliner with little-to-no experience and 18th century ideals would be good for this country I would be eternally grateful. Otherwise, when she gets elected and does nothing but pander to the social conservatives and brings us back to a 1930s era aesthetic, don't say I didn't tell you. Honestly, if you're female, and you believe in female rights and dignity, you HAVE TO vote for Obama. I'm by no means a feminist supporter (frankly, feminists piss me off), but Palin will take women's rights and place them somewhere close to John Winthrop. She's underqualified and simply unfit to have any leadership position within this country. With her fundamental views, I have a feeling that Sarah Palin would be a lot more comfortable in another country.... maybe she could try Saudi Arabia? Seems to me she'd fit in pretty well over there.... and at the very least she'd be the fuck out of America.

I've been lazy

2008-09-03T22:01:00.001-07:00

Damn, I haven't posted in ages. Well, between settling down to Philly, looking for a job, getting a cat, and visiting people I haven't seen in what feels like forever, I've been a bit pre-occupied. But let's be honest - I spent the majority of my time watching the olympics. I will pretty much watch sports anytime, anywhere, and for me the olympics kind of are the acme of all sporting events. You had 200 some countries taking part, the majority of which knew they had no realistic shot of winning any medal at all. But still, they competed and literally gave everything they had. There's too many feel good olympic stories for me to reiterate (and besides, you've probably been enundated by them to the point of nausea). There really is just something totally cool about seeing people work all their lives for one moment and then getting to watch them finally achieve what they've been working towards. And there's nothing as absolutely gut-wrenching as watching somebody mess up and fail.
To that point, I was disappointed with the commentators NBC had at the games. They were mean-spirited and were clearly just trying to get their interview subjects to go off, thus increasing the profile of the interviewer. The worst, for me, was Andrea Kremer interviewing Alicia Sacramone after she'd fallen during her floor exercise routine. Obviously the girl felt terrible. I mean, I can't imagine how much time and effort gymnasts must put into their craft. They not only sacrifice any semblance of a normal childhood, but they purposely stunt their growth. No one can tell me that gymnasts are totally healthy. 1) Alicia felt terrible after she fell and 2) it wouldn't have mattered as the Chinese were pretty much guaranteed a gold medal at that point. So what does Andrea do? She basically rips into Alicia, blatantly trying to make her cry and pretty much implying that Alicia had 'let her team down.' Give me a fucking break. That's bullshit. The girl's only 20. And she's not a multi-millionaire NBA player. Give her a freaking break. Shit, give her a hug. She left it all out there and shit just didn't go right. But don't lambast the poor girl. Nor was that the only complaints I could levy towards the American broadcasters. When the one American hurdler got tripped up and was distraught, rather than let her have some reprieve when she was bawling, the cameras decided it'd be better tv to follow her. Classy, NBC. And when the one American sprinter ran out of his lane and was disqualified, rather than console him, whatever dumbass was interviewing him just tried to egg him on and get him to explode on tv. That's bullshit. You know any athlete is gonna be emotional after they just competed in the olympic games, how about we let them be and try act like dignified broadcasters? I don't think anyone really got a thrill out of seeing a 16 year old gymnast come close to tears.

Also, I'm not sure of the name of the one guy who was doing the commentary for gymnastics, but he was fucking obnoxious. I think it was Tim, or Tom or something like that. Whatever it is, he fucking blows.

I'm fairly positive that Waterworld is actually based off of Phelps. I made it a point to watch all of his races and I gotta say, I never realized swimming could be that exciting. That was awesome.

Congrats to the US men's basketball team. They brought back the gold to us. People kept writing that the awfully named "Redeem Team" aren't as dominant as the original Dream Team - no fucking shit. No team will ever be that good. And it's time to admit, once and for all, that the rest of the world has caught up. I mean, if Manu and Nocioni are healthy during the gold medal game, and if Pepe Sanchez and Walter Hermann decided to take part in the olympics, who's to say what could have happened? But as it is, America is once atop the basketball world, where it belongs.

The best part of the olympics has to be watching all the random sports: trampoline, handball, water polo, white water rafting, crew. I loved them all. Olympics, I will miss thee. Especially now that I have nothing to do during the day...

A Simple Goal

2008-08-20T03:28:00.000-07:00

One day I want to go to a pro-life rally holding a sign that says "I don't believe in condoms.... I believe in hangers." I figure that would be entertaining at least...

Thoughts after Driving 1,500 Miles

2008-08-05T02:20:00.000-07:00

I've been drivin' all night, my hand's wet on the wheel
There's a voice in my head that drives my heel
It's my baby callin', says I need you here
And it's half past four and I'm shifting gear

When she's lonely and the longing gets too much
She sends a cable comin' in from above
We don't need no phone at all
We've got a thing that's called radar love
We've got a wave in the air, radar love

The radio's playing some forgotten song
Brenda Lee's "Coming on Strong"
The road's got me hypnotized
And I'm speeding into a new sunrise

When I get lonely, and I'm sure I've had enough
She sends her comfort, comin' in from above
Don't need no radio at all
We've got a thing that's called radar love
We’ve got a line in the sky, radar love

No more speed, I'm almost there
Gotta keep cool now, gotta take care
Last car to pass, here I go
And the line of cars drove down real slow

And the radio played that forgotten song
Brenda Lee's "Coming on Strong"
And the newsman sang his same song
One more radar lover's gone

Golden Earring - Radar Love

Look people, if you're not gonna drive fast then get the fuck out of the fast lane. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to be going 60 and slowing everybody down. Total bullshit.

Louisiana, how about fixing some of your roads? Thanks.

This is what greets you as you enter Mississippi. Um that sure as all hell isn't anything like coming home. In fact, if Mississippi reminded me of my home I'd drive straight off of a cliff.

So I ran into two Philadelphia's before reaching the real Philadelphia (ie the one in Pennsylvania). There's a Philadelphia, Mississippi, which is "most noted for the racial violence, murders, and other civil rights violations that occurred in the mid 1960s," and a Philadelphia, Tennessee. I for one take umbrage at this. Can't Philly copyright it's name or something? I don't know if I want people associating my fair city with these two places (no offense to Tennessee.... um, much offense to Mississippi). Like what if a European tourist wants to visit Philly (you may be asking yourself, 'why would he want to visit Philly in the first place?', but just bear with me here) and somehow fly's into Mississippi? That would be a tragedy of epic proportions. He would no doubt get the fuck out of there as fast as he could and he'd quickly tell his other Euro friends about the shit-hole that is Philadelphia. They'd talk amongst themselves and quickly come to the conclusion that any country that could possibly have had Philadelphia, Mississippi as it's national capital is clearly not worth visiting or supporting, and hence America's standing in the world would rapidly decling leaving us isolated on the global political landscape. So as you can see, enacting my 'One Philadelphia' policy is really for the greater good of the nation.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like to listen to the radio when I'm driving. CD's and Ipod's are good and all, but they just don't have that quality you get from listening to the radio while you're driving. There's nothing quite like that moment when you're cruising along with the radio turned on, and suddenly that one song comes on the radio. It's like coming upon a secret buried treasure. This happened to me on my little jouney from Houston. It was getting late in the night and I was tired from driving all day. I had just entered the Pennsylvania border and could feel my eyes getting heavy, when suddenly "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden came on. I fucking LOVE this song. I immediately turned the volume knob to an ear-damaging level and sang along as loud as I could. That one song jacked me up more than any amount of red bull could and got me through the rest of my drive. Only through the magic of radio.

5 Songs I Heard the Most on My Drive

1) - Lolli by 3 6 Mafia - What does 3 6 Mafia even mean?

2) Dangerous by Kardinal Offishal - Why must rappers butcher the English language with their horribly spelled names?

3) Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis - She sounds like a Mariah Carey rip-off to me... and I never much cared for Mariah Carey

4) Shake It - by Metro Station - Fuck, that song is WAY too catchy

5) Forever by Chris Brown - Gotta love subliminal advertising in your pop music

Yeah, I listen to shitty pop music when I drive.... I'm comfortable with that

What bothers me about that Lolli song, aside from the ridiculous lyrics that make me feel that music as an art form is totally dead, is the face that 'air' is pronounced 'errr'. When did this become a thing? Why is this a thing? So stupid

Stuff I didn't hear on the drive that surprised me: That Nelly/Fergie song (thankfully... otherwise it wouldn't have left my head), anything old school - no Tupac, or Biggie, not even any Busta... what's up with that?

Stuff I did hear that surprised me - Ice Ice Baby (how is that still being played in this day and age?!), Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters (that song is awesome!... just didn't realize they actually played it on the radio)

All in all, Houston to Philly's not a bad drive. but nothing I'd recommend. If you can fly, airport security has nothing on driving through Alabama and hoping you don't get lynched. Might I just suggest drinking your energy drinks carefully when you're going 75 mph.... Red Bull tends to sting the eye....

Some Thoughts as I Prepare for my Triumphant Return to the East Coast

2008-07-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

Much has already been written about The Dark Knight, and there isn't much more that I could add. My only problem with the movie was ***SPOILER ALERT*** when Rachel and Harvey somehow get kidnapped.... and we don't even see the kidnapping. What the hell is that? But I love that they didn't cop out and went through with Rachel's death (it kinda needed to happen to complete Two-Face's transformation). And the movie needs to be seen for Heath Ledger's Joker. Just dark, sadistic and utterly twisted - takes the superhero villain to a whole new level. Not a bad way to leave your final mark on this planet.

As I'm leaving Houston, can I just say that there is NOTHING I will miss about this city. It's too humid, it takes ages to drive anywhere, and it's all conservative and junk. This city is urban sprawl personified. The best view of Houston will be seeing it in my rear-view mirror.

As I'm moving back to the East Coast I gotta say that I'm suddenly excited for Jimmy Fallon taking over Conan's late night spot... it'll mean that I can get to bed earlier.

Anyone that even remotely likes AC/DC, Motely Crue, or any other guitar driven bands in the same mold needs to check out Airborne. That's one kick ass band

So I started watching How I Met Your Mother, and I have a few thoughts on the show (err... well on the two episodes I've seen so far):

1) It's good to see Alyson Hannigan back on TV. Loved her on Buffy and in the American Pie movies.

2) Neil Patrick Harris just needs to be in more shit. Between HIMYM, the Harold and Kumar movies, and whatever the hell he's doing with Joss Whedon, Neil Patrick Harris may be the most entertaining man on television.

3) Why have I never heard of Cobie Smulders?? Hot damn!

How awesome does this show look! Fine, I'm a huge dork... I'm comfortable with that.

On Favre...

2008-07-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

Okay Brett Favre, you're being a douche now. Just fucking retire already. You had a great career. You won a Super Bowl, made an ass-load of money, and rightfully earned the respect of every football fan. But it's done man. You retired (and cried like a baby at your press conference), and it's time to just stay retired. I am by no means a Packers fan (those fucking cheeseheads are the stupidest pieces of shit I have EVER seen, and the utter arrogance of Packers fans pisses me off to no extent), but Brett, you're holding your team hostage. You're making yourself bigger than the game, which cannot be allowed. They did that in the NBA in the pre-Jordan era, and we got players like Latrell Sprewell running amok. Not to go too far on a tangent, but FIFA's doing the same damned thing over in Europe with Christiano Ronaldo as the main culprit. FIFA's asinine president comes out and says that soccer players are basically being treated as 'slaves' and that players should be sent to another team if that is their desire. Sooo basically he's putting the player above the team. What a dumb fuck. If he's allowed to have his say, soccer salaries will rise uncontrollably as every player fights for what he believes is 'his right' to the point where owning a team will no longer be profitable. Then the bubble will burst, and players, owners and fans all will be screwed. Come on Blatter, use some common sense. If slavery entails earning 100,000 pounds a week playing for Manchester United, the world's most famous soccer club, then give me my 40 acres and a mule and sign me up.
Which brings me back to Favre. Dude, just shut the fuck up. At this point you're only hurting your reputation. No one wants you back. Outside of Wisconsin no one gives a flying fuck about you. So go back to Mississippi, do some fishing, get some meth, find some fat chicks. Whatever you want to do. But give it up already man, Your time in the spotlight is over. Got that? O-V-E-R. Over! Look, this is a society where we coddle our athletes. You do coke in the real world and you get sent to jail. You do coke in the sports world and you serve a 2 year ban. We let our athletes get away with a lot, especially if, like Favre, they have played hard and won in their careers. But the shit has reached the top of the proverbial pot. If you wanted to play, maybe you shouldn't have fucking retired. The thing is, we're sick of this two-faced bullshit. Athletes lie to our (the sports fan) faces again and again and again. Enough is enough! We're sick of this. You had close to 20 years being America's darling, but Brett, the ride's done. Time to get off. I don't want to see you on ESPN anymore. The only place I want to see you is on your Wrangler commercials (and, to be honest, you make me really want to not buy their jeans). Athletes are huge insecure babies, and it's time for them to grow the fuck up. This may not be about Favre in particular, but he's gonna be the psoter-boy for the rich, beloved, and utterly spoiled athlete that thinks they can get away with whatever they want. Well, I think America as a whole is saying a big 'fuck you!' to Favre. We don't want you back. Stay retired you god-damned attention hog. Maybe you'll serve as a model for future athletes. We'll take your shit.... but even we have limits. Pass that limit and we'll turn on you like an eagle protecting it's young. And trust me Brett, you definitely do not want to be caught robbing the nest.

Has Soccer Finally Made it in America?

2008-07-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

I'm an unabashed soccer fan (I'm not calling it "futbol"... just deal with it). Having a lot of friends who play the sport and being a huge sports fan myself made this an inevitability. To the average American, soccer lacks the intensity, high scoring, and familiarity of football, baseball, or even basketball. Honestly, the MLS simply does not do soccer justice. But watch an EPL game, maybe Manchester United vs. Arsenal, and there's no way you won't be able to appreciate the skill and the passion involved in the match. For years people have been trying to truly "bring" soccer to America. They brought over Pele in the 70s, America hosted the World Cup in 1994, and the men's national team made an unprecedented run in the 2002 World Cup... none of which truly did anything to bring soccer into the American sports forefront.
In probably the most drastic move yet, last year the LA Galaxy brought David Beckham over to the MLS. Beckham wasn't one of the over-the-hill European players that populated MLS rosters. He was (and possibly still is) arguably the world's most famous soccer player. He was an icon the world over. Many questioned his move to MLS. Beckham was making millions playing for Real Madrid, one of the best soccer clubs in the world. And Beckham was by no means finished as a player. He still had at least a few years left playing at the highest level. So he suddenly decides to leave the soccer hot-bed that is Europe to magically make the game popular in a nation that has thus far resisted any and all of soccer's embraces? Color me skeptical.
Beckham had an ominous start in the MLS, missing the majority of the season with an injury (and thus further embedding in the minds of many Americans the misguided notion that soccer players are pussies that can't play hurt - meaning they lack what American sports fans love the most in their sports superstars... heart). Any person you talked to about soccer would say something like "well Beckham sure was a bust" or "damn soccer player can't even stay healthy." But, in effect, Beckham may have done more by being hurt than he could've by staying healthy and playing on the Galaxy. Americans were now doing something they had never done before.... they were actually talking about soccer. They could name an actual living, breathing MLS soccer player! This was unprecedented. It brings to mind the old adage: any publicity is good publicity. Whether Beckham was a bust or not is irrelevant (for the record, as far as his actual effect on the field goes, I don't think you can fairly grade him due to his pretty much missing all of last season). People were now genuinely interested in soccer. Though probably not in the way he anticipated, Beckham had gotten Americans to kinda, sorta pay attention to soccer every now and then.
But the question lingered: were they paying attention to the actual sport or were people simply intrigued by Beckham's celebrity? Well ESPN decided to find out for sure, and I don't think you can give them enough credit for finally doing what they did. The Euro Cup is played every 4 years, and after the World Cup is soccer's second biggest tournament. After the World Cup and the Olympics, it's the biggest sporting competition in the world. It's literally huge. But if you wanted to watch it in America you were pretty much out of luck... until this year. ESPN not only aired games and re-runs of the games on its channels, but they gave the tournament lots of advertising and coverage on Sportscenter. These facts were important. For Americans to truly embrace soccer, America's sports network would have to embrace it first, and ESPN did just so, for which I commend them. The Euro Cup was everywhere. Every sports fan I know was talking about it or at least had seen a little bit of it. The final was even aired on ABC! And though I missed the second half of the final game, the fact that I could watch the first half in an airport bar is impressive enough. Now, soccer definitely helped itself by having an amazingly entertaining tournament with under dogs winning, super powers falling, last minute goals, and a free-flowing game that the casual sports fan could relate to. But you have to ask yourself, do the Euros even get broadcast here if not for Beckham and his porcelain knee? Hard to say. I mean, Beckham and England didn't even play in the tournament. All we can do is really speculate. I have to think, though, that without life going all Tonya Harding on David's leg the Euros would've passed by without the vast majority of America even batting an eye. So congratulations David Beckham. You have managed to get Americans, those with the 3 second attention spans and lives that are already saturated with sports, to actually pay attention to soccer. Just like you said you would. Will this interest grow? Time will tell. But for now, bravo David. Take a bow. On second thought, maybe just take a seat.... you never know when we'll need your other knee. Hell, we gotta spark interest in national healthcare somehow, right?

A poll

2008-06-20T20:56:00.000-07:00

Like most people, I hate my job. I wanna quit... but the lack of money is a concern. So I figure I'd ask you, my faithful readers (all 1 of you?...is there that many?) as to whether this is a good idea or not. Tell me whether it's time to find a new job, why, and how I may obtain money without said job....

Madonna's Jumped the Shark

2008-06-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

I've never been the biggest Madonna fan. I don't own any of her CDs and haven't listened to one all the way through. That being said, it was hard not to at least respect her. She was ground breaking in the 80s. She re-defined what a pop star was. She was overtly sexual and not afraid to admit it (and display it). Whatever Madonna was in the 80s, (tramp, artist, rebel,) she was definitely not the norm. She shattered the conception of what a female should be saying, wearing, and portraying, both on stage and in her music videos. We forget this now, but "Like a Prayer" was pretty heavy stuff when it came out.
As with most musicians, Madonna has mellowed with age. Her music no longer challenges the prevailing zeitgeist (though the case could be made...what's left to challenge?). Even as she mellowed though, Madonna's music never turned into the sugar-covered bubble gum pop music that plagues radio. If we can be honest I think we'll all agree that no one really liked "Ray of Light," but when you heard the song it was distinctly Madonna. It was a pretty shitty song, but you knew who it was.
Madonna's coming out with a new album this year, and after hearing her first single off the record, "4 Minutes," I think it's safe to say that Madonna has officially jumped the shark. The song pretty much is generic bubble gum pop, complete with appearances from "it" guest stars of the moment Timberlake and Timbaland. Madonna was always compelling and different, but there's no way you can say that about this song. The lyrics are the same old crap that you'd hear coming out of the mouth of Britney Spears or The Pussycat Dolls. The song serves no purpose other than to create a beat to dance too. Other than the rather cult-like repetitions of 'Ma-donnnna' throughout the song, you wouldn't even know who was singing it. And honestly, Madonna being forced to insert her name into her song just so we know who's singing the damn thing is a telltale sign that the old, badass Madonna of yesteryear is nothing but a mere memory. As Madonna annoyingly keeps chanting 'tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock' throughout the song, you can't help but wonder if she's in fact counting down the end of her career as a music pioneer, and her entry into the doldrums of musical banality and obscurity.

Girls are crazy... so let's fix it!

2008-06-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so if I ever become leader of the free world there will obviously be countless changes, but there's 2 specific laws I would enact upon the female race as a whole.

1) Girls are getting sluttier and sluttier every day... and hence hotter and hotter. As a male, this is pretty fucking awesome (who doesn't like seeing more skin?). The problem that ensues is that many of these girls are under the age of 18, which not only makes them grounds for imprisonment, but also makes the male staring at them a 'creep' in the eyes of other females around him. So you have these young girls running around dressed to strip, guys stare at them, and the guys get in trouble? How is that not total bullshit? Clearly they want the attention, but that's a whole other topic. So here's what we do: girls have to wear some sort of tag that alerts guys to their age. Maybe something like "not yet," "don't touch", or "illegal" for girls underage, and perhaps something like "ready to go" or "fuckable" for girls over 18. This is a clear necessity.

2) In my universe, girls will also wear signs of some sort alerting guys to their moods. Girls are moody as balls. It boggles my mind. One minute they're all flirty and having fun, next minute they're bawling about something and it's all the guy's fault. You never know when something you say will set a girl off. A seemingly innocuous statement could lead to days of fighting and ultimately the guy repenting (cause let's face it, we're always the one to give in due to the threat of 'lack of sex'). Hell, sometimes even a simple 'what's up?' can set a girl off. Again, this is bullshit. I mean, girls' moods can change on the hour. It's absurd. How are we supposed to know what to say or if to say anything at all? This is where some sort of sign comes into play. Perhaps something like "fun and flirty" or "you can actually talk to me" when they're in a good mood, or "total psycho fucking bitch!" when they're in a shitty mood. This would really simplify things. Elect me, and I'll make it happen. And if the girls complain we'll just de-franchise them. Easy as pie.

Happy Birthday?...

2008-06-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

So my birthday was on Sunday. Now I don't usually share personal stories in this blog, but this was just pretty ridiculous.
I had to get the fuck out of Houston for my birthday. If I was there for it I probably would've shot myself in the head. So I decided to head to Miami with a few of my friends. The weekend was awesome. Much alcohol was consumed. This meant, of course, that when I awoke on Sunday, my actual birthday day, I was hungover as balls. I don't get too many hangovers anymore, but when I get them they are GOD FUCKING AWFUL. If someone had shot me Sunday morning I would've been pleased as all holy hell. So I wake up hungover. I went to college for four years; it's happened before. The problem?.... This time I woke up without my wallet.
Yes, sometime in the night (um, and by that I mean around 6 am) I ended up passed out on the beach. Now, I'm pretty sure that when I passed out I had my wallet in my pocket. When I woke up, it was gone. So I think I somehow got robbed while I was passed out on the beach (look, crazier things have happened). So losing some cash and credit cards is bad enough, but I also lost my driver's license. And I'm flying back to Houston in about 12 hours. FUCK.
This is great. I'm gonna be stranded in Miami. Well, as it turns out all I have to do is go to the police station, tell them my ID was stolen, and they'll write me a note. That's right, a motherfucking note, like I'm in god damned junior high again. But you know what, if it gets me back to Houston, who cares, right?
So I almost always use Orbitz when I fly. I highly recommend them. Their prices generally seem to be pretty good, but almost as good is the fact that they call you with flight status updates. So as we're sitting at Chilis eating some food before we all have to go through security and get on our respective flights, I get a call from Orbitz telling me my flight is delayed. Eh, it's only half an hour, I'll still catch my connection out of Tampa. 30 minutes later, Orbitz calls me to say that my flight is delayed even further. Umm, this is NOT good. I go to look at the monitor in the airport and they say my flight's still on time. What gives? I go to the counter, and he informs that, so to speak, I'm fucked. There's no way I'm making my connection in Tampa.
'Dude', I kindly inform him, 'I need to get to fucking work tomorrow!' Oh hold on, maybe I can make it... if I'm willing to catch a shuttle to Ft. Lauderdale, which is about 45 minutes away. On my own expense, of course. Well, don't have much of a fucking choice, now do I? So I bum some money off my friend (due to my lack of an ATM card) and catch the van to Ft. Lauderdale. Awesome. This is going reaaaaal well.
I get to the Ft. Lauderdale airport roughly 15 minutes before my plane's supposed to take off, check my bag in, and head to security. Now, due to the fact that I have a "note" rather than an actual driver's license, this subjects me to "extra security." So I go through the drug sniffer machine and the metal detector, and I get to the end of the X-ray belt to wait for my computer. I expect to pick it up and run onto the plane, but nooooo. The lady opens up my computer bag and swabs EVERY FUCKING INCH of the thing! Seriously?! I have a fucking plane taking off in two mintues and you're gonna make me miss it cause you're swabbing my fucking computer??!! This is the stupidest shit I have ever seen. Just an utter waste of time and money. Well, the fucking security lady finally gets done swabbing (or whatever the fuck she was doing), I grab my computer, and sprint to the gate just as my plane's starting to board. I get on and pass out. When I wake up, we're about to land in Houston, and I figure 'at least I'll get a good night's sleep tonight.' Little did I know...
So we land in Houston and I head over to the discount parking lot (at $6 a day, you can't really complain all that much). Now, generally when you first park at the lot they give you this little card that tells you where you're parked at, but for reason they didn't give me one this time (possibly cause I parked at like 5 am and both me and the shuttle driver were still asleep). So I thought I parked my car at B-12. I get in that section, and I'm looking, and looking, and looking some more, but I can't find shit. Now I'm tired and working on pretty much an empty stomach on account of me being hungover all day, so I'm getting frustrated. Eventually one of the shuttle drivers picks me up and we look for my car, but again, nothing. Sooo the guy has to take me up to their front office, and they have to use my license plate number to physically look up where I'm parked at. We finally find the car... in B-2. Not only do I feel like a fool, but it took an hour. I don't leave the lot until 11:30.
So I get on the freeway to head home. I'm goin like 70 (speed limit's 65) and everything's going fine. All of a sudden, though, I can feel my car start to shake.... uh oh. I smell burning rubber, and then I lose complete control. I do two 360's in the middle of this 5 lane highway. If there were people on the road it would've been a bad deal. Somehow I manage to get to the shoulder, I get out of the car, and, yup, I got a blown tire. The day gets better.
Now some would say I can be an angry person when it comes to society. The thing is, I think humanity as a whole just kinda blows. We're, simply put, not good. But, I do have faith in individual people. So I'm on the shoulder with my blown tire for maybe 30 seconds when this guy pulls over. He's this tiny Latino guy that reeks of alcohol, but at this point I'll take anything I can get. So we get the tire on, and I'm honesty really grateful. It's late, I'm sure he's tired, he didn't have to stop, but he did. So I shake his hand and thanks him, to which he replies, in a thick Mexican accent, "you give me 5 or ten dollars and we be good." Really dude? Really?? After I just told you I got my wallet stolen and have barely any cash? Whatever. I'm too tired to argue. I give him 5 bucks and get on my way. Will the day ever fucking end?
After driving for a few more minutes (never going over 55) I get to where I want to stay at. The hotel I usually stay at is an Extended Stay type thing which doesn't have anyone at the front desk after 11, so I'm fucked there. But there's a ton of hotels in the area, so I figure I'll be okay. I go to the Hampton Inn, ready to just crash, and ask them if they have a room. They do. But I have no cash or credit cards, so I ask them if they take a check. Um, they don't. Can they make an exception? No exceptions. Cool. Well, let's try somewhere else. La Quinta? Nope. Marriott? Don't think so. Days Inn? That'd be a big negative. The shady hotel that I try at all costs not to stay at? Sorry, they only take check during the day. Thanks for nothing lady.
Soo you might be asking yourself, what'd you do at this point? Well... I slept in my car. That's right, for a night I was officially a vagrant. Seriously though, that may be a new low in my life. When you wake up in your car and head straight to work looking like a bum, it might be time to take a hard, long look at where you're at in life.

A few thoughts on Miami

I feel like I'm pretty traveled. I've been to a lot of real cool cities that have been close to a beach and/or have the reputation of being a party town (LA, New Orleans, Barcelona), but I think I can unequivocally say that nothing truly prepared me for Miami. Forget the fact that clubs in Miami stay open until 5 am, the first thing I noticed almost as soon as I landed was the way people in Miami dressed. Let's just say that their clothing style is very, um, minimalistic. That whole 'no shoes, no shirt, no service' mantra you see for restaurants? Yeah, doesn't really apply in Miami. It seemed that every girl was walking around during the day in a swimsuit. I mean, I go into CVS and there's a girl just shopping in there in a bikini, like it's the most natural thing in the world. The thing is, many of these girls were clearly under-age. I almost felt kind of dirty for staring. Almost.
Going out at night took under-dressing to a whole new level. The skimpy clothing that girls in Miami wear to go out is simply ridiculous. Being a straight male, I love seeing scantily dressed girls as much as any other guy, but the amount of skankiness on the streets of Miami was absolutely absurd. Needless to say, I will totally visit this city again. Just be pre-warned, clothing does indeed seem to be optional.

Speaking of cities, here's my top 5:

1) Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Okay, I'm clearly biased cause it is my home. But in all honesty, Philly gets a bad rap from people that've never been there. Lots of good restaurants and bars, great museums, a vibrant nightlife, and a ton of things to do. Plus, with all the colleges in the area, there's always bound to be lots of co-eds running around drunk out of their minds.

2) Portland, Oregon - Portland's a cool little hipster city. Lots of hiking, micro brews and indie rock bands. My type of place (thought the rain might get on my nerves after a while).

3) Barcelona, Spain - Just an awesome city. They eat late and party hard. The city's metropolitan, has great food, and is close to the Mediterranean. If you haven't been there, you need to give it a try.

4) Miami, Florida - Just a total party city with a TON of good restaurants, clubs and beaches. Great place to let it everything go. It is a little too Euro-y, which I'm sure would piss me off over time. Don't think I could live there.

5) San Francisco, California - A hip, green city that always seems to be on the cutting edge. It's frickin gorgeous and there's stuff to do. Plus it's a bastion for unbridled liberalism, which is right up my alley.

*Note: I have yet to go to Las Vegas, Austin, or Boston. So let's take that into consideration

Some Extremely Random Thoughts

2008-06-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

So Mutt Lange cheated on Shania Twain. Here's Mutt Lange. Here's Shania Twain. And there goes my faith in anything

So all this talk about Obama being an elitist -um, isn't that a good thing? Don't you want your president to be smarter and, for all intensive purposes, better than the average person? I mean, you don't want the president of the freaking United States of America to be Joe Six-pack, do you? Plus, how can you call Obama elitist and not call McCain and Hilary Clinton the same thing? Take a look at this article. Both McCain and Clinton are worth a considerable amount more than Obama. And Obama's the elitist? Please. Every presidential candidate's an elitist. Give me a break.

So everyone's heard of Jimmy Fallon taking over Conan's show in 2009 when Conan takes over Leno's Tonight Show. Is anyone really excited about this? Does ANYONE actually like Fallon? He's not funny, he ruined every SNL skit he was on by laughing un-professionally, and he made that awful Fever Pitch movie. And we're giving him his own late night TV show? Um... why? How is he gonna be good in any shape or form? Whatever. I guess I can switch over to ABC and catch the second half of Kimmel's show.
I'm excited for Conan moving to an earlier time. I love his show. He's easily one of the funniest people on the planet, and now I'll be able to watch his show and still sleep at a reasonable time. The question arises though, can Conan spread his small but loyal audience into a widespread one?
It's easy to take shots at Jay Leno. His show isn't really edgy and he generally takes the easy joke. But the thing is, you know what you're getting with him. I think Letterman as a person is much funnier than Leno, but for some reason I always watch Leno's show (part of this reason is due to the fact that Paul Schafer annoys the fuck out of me). Leno's always there, he always gets big name guests, and, if it means anything, he is dependable to at least be somewhat entertaining (plus Jaywalking's pretty funny, right?). Conan's jokes can be hit-or-miss. When they miss he gets bailed out by his audience and his natural self-deprecating personality,, but will he be able to pull that off with a much larger viewership? Conan's humor can definitely be edgy and racy sometimes; which is perfect for his late night time slot. It will be interesting to see if he tones down the edginess (or if NBC makes him) when he takes over the Tonight Show. I hope he doesn't tone anything down or change his format. I hope he'll be able to convert non-believers into appreciating his unique blend of humor, but I have my doubts. Bland, stale humor tends to reign supreme on TV (see Two and a Half Men), and that is one thing Conan never has been. It'll be interesting to see how the whole situation shapes out. There's a good possibility NBC could be making a huge mistake (financially speaking) by letting Leno walk.

I forget if I've talked about those stupid fucking roller shoes that little kids are wearing now-a-days. God I hate those pieces of shit. I swear every time I'm just trying to get some food at the grocery store I get cut off by some dumbass kid. Then, as I brake the cart to a sharp halt so I don't run over precious, the little fuck looks up as the cart stops an inch from his face and says "oh". Really?? You almost got run the fuck over cause you were too busy rolling on your stupid god damned shoes! Why do these even exist? Just put on some roller blades and get outside. There is no reason for shoes to have little wheels on them. I'm pretty sure they're the first sign of the Apocalypse.

I'm excited for the Lakers-Celtics NBA finals, even if ESPN is gonna drown us to death with build-up to the series (evidenced by 1987 Celtics-Lakers finals match-up they showed tonight.... and not on ESPN Classic, but on regualr ESPN). It should be competitive and we get two of the fiercest athletes of my generation, in Kobe and KG, going head-to-head against each other. I'll be cheering for KG to get his first elusive ring... but it's hard to not go with the Lakers. With Kobe, Pau, Odom, a good supporting cast and a hall of fame coach they're gonna be tough to beat. I'll take the Lakers in 7.

Ryan Reynolds is gonna play Deadpool in the new Wolverine movie. Deadpool's probably my favorite comic book character ever, and the only 'super hero' who's book I actually bought and followed when I was younger. So this movie better be awesome, and Reynolds, you better do an awesome job.

I liked the new Indiana Jones movie. It was fun and fast-paced. The two hours honestly flew by like that. People keep hating on it, but I'm not sure why. People complain that the aliens were too much. Oh, and that thing that melted Nazis wasn't? C'mon. You can't go into the movie expecting realism or some sore of epic, Oscar caliber movie. It's fricking Inidana Jones. You go to watch fights, explosions, travels in foreign lands, and snakes.... and that's exactly what you got. A great movie for the ages? Of course not. But a great way to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon? You bet your ass it was.

On MSG..

2008-06-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

So for years I've heard that MSG is bad for you. You see Chinese restaurants advertising that their food is now 'MSG free!' Now, I never cared to know what MSG is or what it does or how it tastes. I always assumed it was some sort of salt that made food taste good but gave you cancer. Well, it turns out MSG doesn't actually kill you. Check out this article. Evidently MSG makes you fat, lazy and all headach-y. Really? That's it?? Motherfucking pussies need to man up. Theres MSG in Lays, KFC, Wendy's, Doritos, and Hamburger Helper among countless other tasty edibles. Look, we all know anything that tastes good isn't good for you. And clearly if you eat Doritos all days you're gonna become fat and lazy. 'Oh no.. MSG gave me a headache! Ban it!' Shut the fuck up you commies.
If I wanted to be healthy I wouldn't be eating Doritos in the first place. MSG isn't carcinogenic? Well hell then... put it on everything! Give me MSG in a jar so I can pour it on all my foods. Give it to me by the truckload.
It's addictive you say? It's the 'nicotine of food?' Well everyone I know who smokes loves their cigarettes. They know it's bad for them, but that doesn't stop them. That's the way it should be with MSG. If you don't want any in you then don't eat it. McDonalds is gonna be bad for you no matter what's in it... you might as well let it be tasty too. So take a fucking Advil and let me eat my MSG-laced Chinese food in peace.

On the Suddenly Entertaining (Again) NBA

2008-05-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

Much has been said about the renaissance of the NBA this year. A league that had been by-and-large fairly dull and draining the last few years has once again become fast-paced and exciting with a plethora of just absolutely fantastic teams and fascinating players. You could claim many reasons for this sudden resurgence: the quality of young, talented and (perhaps most important) well-spoken superstars in the league, the mix of foreign players that can shoot and domestic players that can play a more bruising game, the sudden relevance of traditional powerhouses like the Lakers and Celtics, or even the impact that one year of college can have on a player coming straight out of high school. You could make cases for all of those. My explanation for us reaching the dawning of a new golden age? The NBA has finally become the league of the point guard.
If you think of point guards over the last decade, two names immediately come to mind: Jason Kidd and Steve Nash. Both are exceptional point guards. Nash is the best offensive point guard we've seen since probably Isiah Thomas (he's just a better pure shooter than Stockton for anyone who wants to bring that up). Here's Nash's stats. For his career he's shooting near %50 from the field, %43 from the three-point line and %90 from the free threw line. Not too shabby. Kidd's one of the best all around point guards in NBA history. He's not the pure scorer that Nash is, but is un-arguably a better rebounder and defender. Either way, they've both been at the top tier of NBA point guards for, if not the last decade, at least since the turn of the century. And the drop off in talent after them was drastic. Stockton and Marc Jackson have been out of the league for a while. Sam Cassell was never a top tier point guard. Stephon Marbury sucks (I beg you to watch ths interview... I beg you). Who else was there? Mike Bibby and Tim Hardaway were good... but they were never really great. After that, um...
Entertaining NBA games go as the point guard goes. The point guard starts the play with the ball in his hands, positions his teammates, and distributes the ball to them. He is the decision and play maker. For the last few years, the lack of quality point guards was affecting play in the NBA. Without someone to set-up the offense and then put the ball in the right place, we got a lot of defensive, slow-paced basketball and offenses that had one person driving to the basket while the other four stood around. Thought this crappy brand of basketball still exists (look at the Cavs or Hawks offense... ugh; although give Delonte West some time and I think he'll develop into a decent point guard), the NBA renaissance that we are all witnessing is directly correlated with the beautification of the game which is a by-product of the higher level of point guard play throughout the league.

Franchise Level

Steve Nash may only have a few years left playing at the high level he has been, but for now he has to remain in the franchise point guard category. There's no one in the league I'd trust more at the free throw line and he seems to always know when to shoot and when to pass. This year was really all about Chris Paul though. He was second in MVP voting and just had a ridiculous season taking a Hornets team with little to no expectations to the number 2 seed in the highly competitive wester conference. His averages this year were excellent, but they just can't explain the whole story. It's an absolute joy to watch him play the point guard position. Besides the 20 and 10, he led the league in steals and has a ridiculous turnover rate. I really can't explain how good he is. Got everything you'd want in a point guard aside from size, but he more than makes up for that with a Jordan-like ferocity on the court. Peja and David West owe Paul a ton.
Deron Williams has also boldly solidified himself in the upper echelon of point guards. After Paul he's arguably the best point guard in the league, and he might be the one guard in the league that can actually stop Paul. Williams might not be as flashy as Paul or Nash, but just watch him play and you'll realize how good of a point guard he is.

Finally Arriving on the Scene

I gotta place Baron Davis, Rafer Alston, and Andre Miller here. All three seemed like damaged goods entering the season and I don't think most people expected a lot out of any of the three. Davis, Alston and Miller, though, pretty much told their detractors to kiss their collective asses. The Baron played in every game this season. You read that right - Baron freaking Davis played all 82 games this season. That is un-heard of. In doing so, Davis showed that he can truly be the leader you need your point guard to be and made the Warriors a team worth watching. He went from a talented, oft-injured, over-rated star, to someone you'd want on your team down by one with 5 seconds to go.
Miller seemed like a throwaway in the AI trade. Being a Sixers fan I wasn't all that excited about getting him in return for one of my all time favorite players. I mean, Andre Miller? This guy didn't do shit on the Clippers or the Nuggets (granted that may have been because he was on the Clippers and the Nuggets). I figured we'd end up trading him for cap space this year. But then something amazing happened about mid-way through this season. This Sixers team clicked. Mo Cheeks had got them to play hard every night and Miller was the catalyst. He played good 'D', ran our up-tempo offense and was the absolute heart of our team.
Alston went from the guy in the And 1 league to a bona-fide NBA point guard this year. It took him a few years to get out of the street ball mentality and learn how to be a true team player, but Rafer finally did arrive on the scene, helping the Rockets to survive with Yao. He gave Houston that consistent play maker and outside shooter that they've been looking for to take the pressure off of T-mac.
No one saw these turnaround seasons by Davis, Alston or Miller. None of them are exactly that young and I, among I'm sure many other people, assumed that their best days were behind them. They defied all expectations and proved us all wrong by showing what they can really do, leading two young, exciting teams and another team in Houston that had the second longest winning streak of all time. So there's three more teams that suddenly got competent leadership where they previously could be said to be lacking such.

Young and Talented

This season also saw the emergence of a lot of young point guards that could play at or near an all star level in the future. You had Rajon Rondo in Boston, Monta Ellis in Golden State, and of course Jose Calderon in Toronto.
Rondo's benefited from playing with KG, Pierce and Allen in Boston and has shown that he should be Boston's point guard for years to come. He's tough, a good defender, and learning to be more assertive by the day. Experience in the playoffs will no doubt help him in the future.
Ellis may be listed at a shooting guard, but it's an inevitability that he'll be moved to the point eventually. He's just too creative of a player to keep at shooting guard and a few years of tutelage behind Baron have done nothing but helped. If Davis leaves over the off-season look for Ellis to take over the point.
Calderon seemed to come out of no-where and even made a late push to be included on the East all-star team. He's top five in the league in assists and barely ever turns the ball over... and he had to share his position with TJ Ford. Imagine if he played true starter minutes! This guy's a star in the making. He could easily be one of the top 3 point guards in the league within the next 2 years.
The future's bright for the Celtics, Warriors and Raptors.

The Potential's There

I hate when they use the word potential during the NBA draft. It pisses me off. Instead of going for what you think may be there, why not take what you know is there? In this case, we've had a lot of young point guards that have shown glimpses or flashes of their potential. These guys all have the ability to be high quality guards in this league, whether they reach their peak or not is up to them. Who am I putting here: Jameer Nelson from Orlando, Delonte West from Cleveland, Randy Foye from Minnesota, Mike Conley and Kyle Lowry from Memphis, Jordan Farmar from LA, Louis Williams from Philly, Devin Harris from New Jersey, Raymond Felton from Charlotte and Ramon Sessions from Milwaukee.
Let's start with Jameer. He plays the game with a bulldog-type tenacity that you gotta love in a player. He increased his offensive production this year and seems to be meshing well with the phenom that is Dwight Howard (although, for the love of god, please get him the ball in this Celtics series!!). Nelson always tries his hardest (which you can't say about a lot of NBA players), but his height is obviously a disadvantage; at this point in his career he gets abused by taller, stronger point guards. If he continue to improve his game in the off-season, Orlando will be a force for years to come.
Delonte's another St. Joe's alum. Playing shooting guard in college, it's taken him a while to switch over to point guard, and it seems he's finally found a place with Cleveland after bouncing around through Boston and Seattle. West is an unselfish players that can shoot a high-percentage, but he can also handle the ball. His decision making will only get better with time and he'll be an excellent compliment to Lebron next year. If only the Cavs can get a power forward, a shooting guard and maybe a young center that can actually run up and down the court.... not to mention some semblance of a bench.
I love Randy Foye. He's another young point that has had to make the transition over from playing shooting guard in college. He's definitely talented enough to do it, but he needs to stay healthy. This has not been an easy task for him thus far. If Foye can stay off the injury list he'll combine with Al Jefferson and Ryan Gomes to provide an excellent base for the Timberwolves to build off of.
Mike Conley played big games in college, so we know he can handle the pressure. Could he have used another year or two in school? Yeah, definitely. But he's gonna be good. The problem is, Kyle Lowry also shares the back court with Conley. Lowry's another good, young point guard that probably came out of school a year too early. Lowry's tough and stocky and will pretty much bulldoze his way to the basket. Both of them can be starting point guards in this league, but how the hell's that gonna happen in Memphis? If you're running the Grizzlies, why do you spend first round picks on point guards in back-to-back years? What the fuck? How does that make any sense whatsoever? It might be in the best interests of both Conley and Lowry if one of them is traded and handed the reins to their own team.
I thought Farmar would be a little further along at this point. He has all the skills to be a top tier point guard in this league and I think the Lakers were smart to not include him in the Pau Gasol trade. Farmar will get to learn from Derek Fisher, one of the NBA's true professionals, and will get to play some minutes in some big time playoff games. Eventually Farmar will take over the point for the Lakers and don't be surprised to see him in a few all-star games in the future. He can already shoot and has confidence in his shot; he just needs to work on his decision making and get a better understanding of the pro game. That will only come with age.
As a Sixers fan I'm really excited by what Louis Williams brings to the table, and also deeply concerned by what he takes away. I didn't get to watch that many Sixers game (cause the NBA, in their infinite wisdom, gave the Miami Heat about 50,000 god-damned national TV games!!), but in the ones I did watch I liked what I saw of Williams. The kid is athletic as all hell and is almost unstoppable when he attacks the rim. He is one of the quickest players in the league and reminds me of AI. Therein lies the problem. AI, like Williams, was 6 foot on a good day and got just abused on the defensive end before he gave up trying to play defense altogether. I love AI, but it'll be tough for him to ever win a title unless he accepts some defensive responsibility or he's surrounded by a group of players that are absolutely committed to defense. Williams will have to play defense for the Sixers to be successful. Luckily Williams gets to learn from Andre Miller and Mo Cheeks (one of the games all time best defensive point guards). Williams is still very raw, even after being in the league for I think three years, and I think he has the potential and has been placed in the right position to be extremely successful in the future.
Devin Harris has clearly not lived up to his high draft pick, and now he's stuck playing with that team cancer that is Vince Carter for the foreseeable future. Harris, though, is ridiculously fast and can get to the rim when he wants. Jersey doesn't have much, but there's a chance we'll finally see him thrive there (I wouldn't bet on it though).
Raymond Felton never gets mentioned whenever anyone talks about point guard play. He's probably never going to be a great NBA player, but he's definitely above average and has been consistent since his career's started. You also have to consider that he has experience playing in big games from his days winning an NCAA title with UNC.
Almost no one had heard of Ramon Sessions until he had that 24 assist game towards the end of the season, but everyone's predicting him to have a breakout season next year, which is entirely possible. The Bucks have some nice pieces in Redd and Bogut, so it'll be interesting to see if Ramon can help to get them working as a unit. The Bucks were not good and were awful to watch, so Sessions can't really be any worse, right?

Consistently Good

We're throwing Tony Parker, Chauncey Billups and Derek Fisher here. These three have been real good for a long time. They've played integral parts on title winning teams and they come up big when their team needs it. They define consistency. If your team's in their hands you know you have a good chance to be competitive. They provide the grit, leadership and smarts that you must have in a point guard.
Tony's not your prototypical point guard, but he's perfect for what the Spurs try to do. He's unselfish, an excellent finisher, and more than adequate defensively. He could be a huge star somewhere else, but he's content to stay on the low-key Spurs and continue to win titles. Gotta love that.
Billups can shoot, run the offense, and play some damn good defense. It's not his fault the Pistons haven't won a few more titles. He bounced around from team to team when he entered a league, but he's found a home in Detroit. The Pistons may not play the most aesthetically pleasing game, but it's hard to complain with the way Billups balls.
Derek Fisher is one of the classiest players in the NBA. It's hard not to respect the man (and this is coming from someone who fucking hated those Shaq/Kobe Lakers team). He's a rock-solid NBA point guard. Playing in Phil Jackson's triangle offense for years he never had the gaudy stats that star point guards had, but the man was always tough, knew how to run a team, and was clutch as balls (as evidenced by that shot to beat the Spurs a few years ago). You can't help but think that his presence had at least some effect on Kobe and Deron Williams. Fisher should do a heck of a job mentoring Farmar for the future.

Masquerading as a Point Guard

Clearly AI is here. It's too late for him to switch mentality's from a shooting guard to a point guard at this point. AI is a great passer, no doubt about that, but he will always look for his shot first. Some of that is due to scoring just being engrained in his brain, but you have to think he's also been shaped by having crappy scorers around him pretty much his entire career in Philly. I mean, he got Keith Van Horn, and a well past their primes Glenn Robinson and Chris Webber. The season the Sixers reached the finals our second best scoring option was Aaron McKie. Aaron McKie!! C'mon Denver. Give it up already and move AI to the 2.

We Honestly Don't Know...

Hello Shaun Livingston. This guy has the size and possibly the talent to be amazingly good.... but he's hurt alllll the time. Hard to make a decision on him as of yet.

Put a Knife in Me, I'm Done

Jason Kidd, Mike Bibby and Sam Cassell are firmly entrenched here. Though the amount of good point guards in the NBA is clearly higher than it has been in a long while, these three long tenured point guards are done. They have been clutch and played in big games in the past, but those times are over. Thanks guys, but maybe it's time to call it quits or go play in Europe or something.
Kidd's a hall of famer, but he's done. He was never a great scorer and earned his reputation on decision making and defense. He still makes great decisions, but he has no lateral movement which means his defense is below average. Couple that with his inability to make a shot and Dallas is fucked next season.
Mike Bibby, it's 1998, they want you back. Did you see him get destroyed by Rajon Rondo against the Celtics? He's done.
Cassell can still bring the emotion and leadership for a team, and can hit some big shots one out of every five games. But he's pretty much a coach and motivator at this point. He's can be a good fit for a Celtics team that doesn't really need that much offense at this point, but he needs to realize that he's not the Sam-I-am of old and stop shooting so fucking much.

The Future?...

Though there's a plethora of quality point guards in the NBA, it should only get better with this year's draft: Derrick Rose, DJ Augustin, Jerryd Bayless, Russell Westbrook, Eric Gordon (thought he's considered a shooting guard) and OJ Mayo (though he's also considered a shooting guard).
The college game has always been more guard dominated where as the pro game has always been based off of big men, but it seems as if this is starting to change, which I think is for the better. Though I can appreciate a talented center using various post-up moves to score, a fast-paced guard oriented offense will always be more fun to watch. With the number of quality point guards already in the NBA and ready to enter, it looks like pro basketball should be in good hands for years to come. As a fan, I for one am excited.

Onto the AFC

2008-04-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

So continuing my previous post where I did the NFC, it's time to put a face to every NFL franchise. So here's the AFC...

AFC East

New England Patriots - Mel Gibson

Both were at the top of the world, but one bad incident (The Pats had Spygate, Mel had a drunken anti-Jew tirade) brought them both back to Earth and made them public enemy number one. Maybe karma's real after all...

Buffalo Bills - Anotonio Banderas

Yup, believe it or not they're both still alive

New York Jets - Mila Kunis

Neither one is terrible, but I think it's fair to say they've both kind of under-achieved. I thought the Jets would be further along by now after getting Eric Mangini to coach them, and I expected more out of the ridiculously hot Kunis after she left That 70s Show. Instead we got one playoff season (2006) followed by a 4 - 12 season from the Jets. From Kunis we got voice-over work and a bunch of movies that no one's seen. Granted Mila's now in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which does actually look pretty good, so this comparison may not be particularly apt.

Miami Dolphins - Scarlett Johansson

Both have, for some reason or the other, had really high expectations placed on them. After signing Daunte Culpepper, people expected a lot out of the Dolphins. Sports Illustrated even foolishly picked them to reach Super Bowl XLI. I think we all know how that prediction went. The Dolphins had the first pick in the draft this year... meaning they had the worst record in the NFL last year. Not a good team. Since Scarlett's hit the scene people have spoken of her as if she's the next Meryl Streep. Really? Streep is one of our finest actresses. Johansson? Well her first couple roles were in pretty good movies, the quirky comic adaptation Ghost World and the the Coen Brothers directed The Man Who Wasn't There. After that? She had the mind-numbingly bad Eight Legged Freaks, the entertaining (if one forgets about that whole realism thing) The Island, the incredibly over-rated Lost in Translation (I dare you to watch the movie without nodding off at least once), and the quite good The Prestige. Recently she came out with an album of Tom Waits cover songs. I heard a couple tracks off of it, and it's surprisingly not terrible (and insanely better than albums released by Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jamie Lynn-Sigler - just cause you're a hot, young actress does NOT mean you should be recording a fucking album!), but what the hell? Her acting record is spotty at best and she's no longer Hollywood's darling (I think it's safe to say that title now belongs to Ellen Page). So where did the Dolphins and Scarlett go wrong? Tough to say, but neither has reached the high expectations once bestowed upon them.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens - Samuel L. Jackson

Both were pretty formidable a few years ago, but at this point are one trick pony's who, if truth be told, you kinda get tired of watching after awhile. The Raven's started to go downhill after their Super Bowl title (well, their offense did at least). They still have a decent defense, but have no quarterback and their offense is now inept as all hell. Samuel L. will pretty much do anything that comes with a paycheck (look at Deep Blue Sea, Formula 51, Snakes on a Plane, Black Snake Moan, etc.) and seems to simply yell "Motherfucker!" a lot in his roles now rather than actually speaking. A far cry from his Oscar nomination in Pulp Fiction.

Cleveland Browns - Leonardo DiCaprio

Both were long-suffering for different reasons. DiCaprio was completely type-cast after Titanic (which, may I add, I have still never seen) and his career dwindled between 1997 and 2002. Then, however, he had the good fortune of being cast in Martin Scorcese's Gangs of New York. Though he was completely over-shadowed by Daniel Day Lewis, the movie brought DiCaprio back into the forefront, and meaty roles in The Departed and Blood Diamond (he totally should've won best actor for that) brought him back into the spotlight. The Browns struggled because, well, they're from Cleveland. Browns fans watched their team leave for Baltimore and win a title, then got their team back only to endure the Tim Couch era. Not happy days. But it looks like things are finally turning around for the Cleveland faithful. They have a good core group of young players and a quarterback in Derek Anderson that they can build around.

Cincinnati Bengals - Robert Downey Jr.

They both really just need to stop with the whole drugs and jail thing. Just a waste of their immense talent and they've became laughing stocks because of it. But maybe Downey has finally broken free with what looks to be a sweet movie in Iron Man. Time will tell if the Bengals have gotten rid of the cancers that littered their team and moved on as well.

Pittsburgh Steelers - Russell Crowe

There's nothing all that glamorous about either of them. In fact, both tend to be forgotten. But then your team's getting pounded into the ground by the Steelers or Russell's winning another Oscar and you say to yourself 'damn, I forgot how good they are.' Plus you'd love to have both of them on your side in a back-alley brawl.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts - Will Smith

Both are always there and always bring it. The Colts have been the model of consistency for what feels like the last ten years, and with Smith, 4 out 5 times you know you're gonna get something watchable. Both do have their stumbling blocks (the Colts kept running into the Pats for years and sometimes Smith's movies, I ,Robot for example, are just missing that something that moves good movies into the great category) and both can be annoying at certain times (see Peyton's thousands of commercials and the remnants of Smith's rap career). But when you go see either the Colts or Smith, the opportunity to see something great and something special is always hanging in the air, which is definitely not something you can say for every football team or actor out there.

Jacksonville Jaguars - Neil Patrick Harris

Both were big early on (Harris in Doogie Howser, MD), then hovered in obscurity for quite some time, and now are big again (Harris re-attaining stardom in How I Met Your Mother and through some hilarious cameos in the Harold and Kumar movies). Neither Harris nor the Jaguars is ever on your list of 'things to see,' but then you flip the channel, there they are, and there's a good chance you end up watching them just to see what happens.

Tennessee Titans - Steve Buscemi

Highly underrated and always off the national radar, but when you sit down and watch them you realize they're just more disciplined and better trained than who ever's sharing the stage with them. Both are models of consistency in two fields where fluctuation is a given. While neither is ever the 'sexy' or 'trendy' pick, when you look over their credentials and their entire body of work you can't help but be impressed.
Also, Buscemi as a person reminds me of Jeff Fisher. Two tough no non-sense men who are among the best at their profession and simply don't get enough credit, in my opinion. Plus I'm pretty sure they'd both love to just pistol whip Pacman Jones.

Houston Texans - Sean William Scott

Eh.
Not sure what either one really brings to the table. Seriously, clear you mind and think of either the Texans or Sean William Scott, and the first thing that will come to your mind is "eh."

AFC West

San Diego Chargers - Jessica Alba

Incredibly gorgeous and ridiculously sexy from the outside.... but when push comes to shove there's just not much depth there. Both seem content to be where they are without trying to further their status, even with, perhaps, the ability to go really far. The Chargers are always fun to watch and Alba will always draw her core male audience, but that's about all these two are good for at this point.

On a related note, every straight male should go see Into the Blue. It's Alba swimming and running around in a bikini for an hour and a half with a massive THO (I didn't actually look, but I'm sure you can find one somewhere in that link) going on. They really should release a director's cut that's just a 2 hour shot of Alba's breasts in motion and title it 'Into the Boob'.

Denver Broncos - Bill Murray

At this point you don't know what you're gonna get out of them. They have their ups, their downs, and their middle ground. You can never tell if the Broncos are gonna be a Super Bowl contender or if they're gonna hover around .500. With bill Murray, you get the great (Caddyshack, Groundhog Day), the good (Ghostbusters, Broken Flowers), and the overrated (Lost in Translation, Rushmore). You know with the Broncos you're gonna get a heavy dose of rushing and with Murray you'll get the sardonic middle-aged man searching for something unattainable and stuck in somewhat humorous situations. But still, if you're flipping channels and you find a Broncos game or a Bill Murray movie, you're probably gonna put the remote down and watch. It might not be particularly good.... but it's better than nothing. And you might even end up being pleasantly surprised (see: The Life Aquatic).

Oakland Raiders - Ashton Kutcher

They both fucking suck hard.

Kansas City Chiefs - Alicia Silverstone

Once upon a time, both of them were in the spotlight and looked like they might actually be interesting. Then the Chiefs hired Herm "Team Destroyer" Edwards and Alicia seemed to vanish off the face of the Earth, only appearing out of nowhere to take part in pro-vegetarian ads. Now she's in things in like this. What the hell happened? Both of them are going nowhere fast. The Chiefs have two interesting parts in Tony Gonzalez and Larry Johnson. Alicia also has only two interesting aspects to her character: her left and right boobs.

Well that's all I got. I'm sure some people will disagree with my choices and are now just pissed off. Hey, that's what the internet's for, right?
Peace out.

Who's Who in the NFL

2008-04-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

So with their trade for Adam "Pacman" Jones, the Cowboys have officially become the sports equivalent of Real World. Adding the Pacman, with his penchant for 'making it rain', to an already combustible group that includes Tank Johnson, TO, Jessica Simpson, and the always radical Jerry Jones, creates the perfect mix for a molotov cocktail ready to explode. As I was bored at work today (as usual) discussing recent sports topics (also as usual) it occurred to me that the Cowboys were highly reminiscent of the booze-infused walking corpse that is Lindsay Lohan. Well, why stop there? Why not put a face to every NFL franchise?
Since it was the Cowboys that gave me the idea, let's start with he always formidable NFC East

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys - Lindsay Lohan

Lohan showed much promise early in her career. She was the hot, cute red-head with the world at her feet. Now she's a train-wreck waiting to happen, just like this Dallas team. They really expect this many flammable personalities to co-exist on one team without any problems? What happens when Pacman and Tank decide to take Romo out clubbing? Sooner or later you expect to hear that Lohan has driven her car into the Pacific while snorting some blow off a Chippendale dancer's ass; I'll expect the same from now on whenever someone mentions the Dallas Cowboys.

New York Giants - Ellen Page

Page vaulted from relative obscurity to claim everyone's hearts and become the new "it" girl with Juno. She's everywhere now. She hosted SNL, she's on all the talk shows, and she managed to get nominated for an Oscar. She's not the hottest girl out there in Hollywood, but she's managed to climb to the top of every director's wish list (at least for the moment). The Giants came out of nowhere to win the Super Bowl. All the odds were against them. They were missing Jeremy Shockey, they were facing the mighty Patriots, and they had the wrong Manning brother at quarterback. Despite facing the biggest of odds (the Giants with, well, everything, and Ellen with the superficiality that is Hollywood) both ultimately succeeded.

Washington Redskins - Michael Bay

Both had been living off their early accomplishments for years (the Skins with their titles from the early 90s and Bay with The Rock), and tried to regain their past glory by spending a lot of money which resulted in a lot of flash with very little substance (the Skins spent waaay too much money on Brandon Lloyd and London Fletcher among others, Bay made Pearl Harbor and Armageddon ..... a waste of money on both accounts). It's hard to take either of them that seriously, but it must be noted that both the Redskins and Bay did pretty well for themselves last year; the Redskins made the playoffs, and Bay came out with the enjoyable, if not a bit vapid, Transformers.

Philadelphia Eagles - Christian Slater

Both have tons of talent and had high expectations. Both made it far (the Eagles to three NFC title games plus a Super Bowl, and Slater acted in Interview with the Vampire and True Romance among other movies) only to never be able to quite get over the hump. The Eagles played like shit, then ran into the juggernaut Patriots in their Super Bowl appearance, only to have the TO (fuck that man!) saga the next year. Slater was set to be Hollywood's next big thing. He had the looks, the talent, and the charisma to go far, but drugs and numerous run-ins with the law seemed to always stand in his way. Both should've done more with what they had, but instead will only be remembered for what they didn't do.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers - John Travolta

While most of America loves the Packers and Travolta, I'm pretty fucking sick of them both. Both of them are living off their past and haven't done anything good in years. The Packers are still leaning on Favre, who, if we can be honest, hasn't been good in years (with last year obviously being the exception), and Travolta's still living off of Grease and Pulp Fiction, while releasing utter pieces of shit like Face/Off, Battlefield Earth and Be Cool. I mean, I don't get it. What's the big fucking deal with them?? It's like people are blind to the awful play of the Packers and the terrible movies Travolta continually makes. As far as I'm concerned, they're both overrated to hell and I'm sick of them in my life. The Packers and Travolta could both move to Siberia and I would be a very happy man.

Minnesota Vikings - Jenna Fischer

Both have been around for a while (Fischer's over 30!!), but never seemed to hit it big. The Vikes could never get that big win with a nucleus of Randall Cunningham, Randy Moss and Chris Carter a few years ago, and Jenna's career just sort of languished after Undeclared got canceled. Both, though, are on the rise. The Vikings have added Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen in subsequent years, and Jenna has starred in The Office (best show on television), Blades of Glory, and Walk Hard. Both are the current, hot thing, both are fun to watch, and I see big things in the future for them both as their stocks continue to rise.

Side note: Anyone else think Hollywood need more redheads? I mean, when redheads are hot, they're HOT. Aside from the amazingly cute Jenna, there's Amy Adams (so underrated), the always classy Nicole Kidman, pre-coked out Lindsay Lohan, and probably a bunch of other girls I'm forgetting. C'mon Hollywood.... get me more red heads!

Detroit Lions - Britney Spears

Both have had cataclysmic falls from grace to the point where they're nothing more than national punch lines. Both also have inexplicable marriages: the Lions have had the disastrous tenure of Matt Millen, and Britney married this.

Chicago Bears - Colin Farrell

Somehow both of them were good (or at least assumed to be) for a few years. The Bears made a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman, and Farrell has made a bunch of big Hollywood movies. But once you go see either close-up, you come to the realization that both suck and you inevitably leave telling everyone you know "I just wasted 3 hours of my life!" For some reason, both da Bears and Farrell suck you in, making you think you're about to see something good, but end up leaving you angry and used, like you just got your money stolen by a lanky transvestite posing as a prostitute.

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ben Affleck

Yeah, they're both still around, but they've been sort of incognito the last few years. People stopped giving a shit about the Bucs after their Super Bowl win (which I guess should be expected of a team that plays in Tamp fucking Bay), and Affleck peaked when he made Good Will Hunting and rode Matt Damon's coattails to glory. Both have things they did not earn (the Eagles were the better team in that NFC title game, and how Affleck managed to get the smoking hot Jennifer Garner is beyond me). Recently, though, both have made comebacks of sorts, Tampa by making the playoffs with Jeff Garcia under center, and Affleck with a surprisingly good directorial debut in Gone Baby Gone. Neither the Bucs or Affleck are terrible, but neither's truly remarkable either.

Carolina Panthers - Nicholas Cage

At this point, it's hard to tell what you're gonna get from either. You get the good (Adaptation), the okay (National Treasure), and the truly horrific (The Wicker Man). But just when you count the Panthers or Cage out, they do something that's absolutely surprising and makes you realize you forgot just how good they used to be.

New Orleans Saints - Jessica Simpson

At the first glimpse, both look quite good. Delve a little deeper and you realize how little substance there actually is.

Atlanta Falcons - Sasha Mitchell

Both were destroyed by scandal. The Falcons lost any and all relevance they had once Michael Vick went to jail on dog fighting charges. Sasha played Cody on Step by Step, one of the iconic TV roles of all time (okay, maybe just of my childhood), until he decided to go punch his wife. Both are pretty much forgotten at this point. (Doesn't help that Atlanta is often considered the worst sports city in the country). Good job guys.

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks - Cameron Diaz

Both are clearly past their primes. The Seahawks aren't a true Super Bowl threat anymore, and Diaz has gone from making awesome movies like Gangs of New York and There's Something About Mary to horrible pieces of shit with Ashton Kutcher. Seattle, though, always seems to win the weak NFC West and you always find yourself sort of surprised when you realize they've made the playoffs again and that they're not that terrible. It's similar to Diaz. She might be in her mid -30s now and tend to be sort of forgotten by movie goers, but whenever you see her you certainly think to yourself 'man, I would totally tap that.'

San Francisco 49ers - Al Pacino

The Niners have a great history full of Super Bowl titles and some of the best to ever grace a football field. Names like Montana, Rice and Walsh give any true football fan a veritable chill down their spine. Pacino, too, has a gloried resume, with Godfather I and II, Dog Day Afternoon, Scent of a Woman, Scarface and many other movies with his name on it. But recently? The Niner have, um... Alex smith. Pacino has, um... 88 Minutes. Unlike the absolutely inept and highly amusing Lions, this is more sad than anything. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Arizona Cardinals - Megan Fox

On the surface, both are ridiculously attractive. Beneath that, though, who's to say? We don't really know and it's pretty much impossible to predict their fortunes. Both have the goods and seem poised for a meteoric rise. Whether that happens or not is up to them.

St. Louis Rams - Jennifer Love Hewitt

Both were at the top of the world just a few years ago, but that window has closed. Both are out of the spotlight and don't bring much to the table. When it comes to the fantasy world, though, both the Rams and Ms. Hewitt are still prime time players. Too bad fantasy stats don't equate to NFL wins. Welcome to irrelevancy.
(Okay, so I was gonna made some sort of double-entendre about how both the Rams and JLH have certain "assets" that make them attractive in the years of their decline, but then I thought 'screw it.' Why beat around the bush? I'm male. I'm straight. I want Jennifer Love Hewitt covered in whip cream laying on my bed with a bottle of chilled champagne and a bowl of strawberries within reach nearby, and a whip and leather cat-woman outfit hanging in the closet for foreplay. And that's that.)

AFC coming, um, sometime...

Spring is Here!!

2008-04-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

I love spring. The weather gets warmer, flowers start to bloom, girls come out of the woodwork showing more skin. All good things. But the best part about spring? All the fucking sports! You get basketball playoffs, hockey playoffs, and the start of baseball season. This is literally a sports lover's paradise.
The start of baseball season always brings about new hope. Every fan believes that their team has a chance; that this'll finally be their year. I'm by no means the biggest baseball fan, but there's definitely something awesome about the start of the season. More than mere hope, it's also a time of eternal youth. Even the oldest among us can remember the first baseball game they went to. We can remember going into the stadium, which seemed so menacingly big at the time, we can hear the crowd cheering and groaning, and see ourselves looking at the players who looked like tiny little bugs so far below us. More than football or basketball, baseball has that timeless quality. It's not as exciting as basketball, as fast as hockey, or as hard-hitting as football, but baseball's always been that little slice of Americana that lets us know that the cold, hard winter is over and the breezy spring months, followed by summer days spent lounging on a chair, will soon be upon us. Baseball season means beaches, spring break and vacations. It means fishing trips, kids running around, and girls in bikinis. Baseball's the perfect background noise as the days get longer and the air gets warmer. And the first few weeks, when every team is still technically in it, and we get to scrutinize and analyze our team's off-season changes, and determine what veterans are done, and what young players are ready to take it to the next level, and ultimately decide whether it'll be worth our time to follow the team for the next five months or not (regardless of what we decide, we'll still follow the team for the next five months)....... well, those first few weeks are just stupendous.
Basketball playoff games are always a treat to watch. You get ballers at the top of their profession playing at ridiculous levels. The NBA post-season is nothing like the regular season. The intensity is taken to a different stratosphere entirely. Now I meant to write about the playoffs before the games started, but, well, I didn't. So let me go on the record now saying I think the Sixers can beat this Pistons team. We already took game one on their home court. We're younger and more athletic, and honestly, I think we're just hungrier.
Regardless of whether the Sixers were in or not, I'd still be uber-excited for these playoffs. I can't remember this many good teams and match-ups in my life. This should really be its own post, so we'll do that later.
That brings us to the NHL playoffs. Regular season and post-season hockey are, simply put, not the same sport. Post-season crowds are more raucous, the games are more physical, the skating is faster, the goaltending is at a higher level, and the shots just seem to be traveling faster. My Flyers rebounded from the worst season in team history to make the playoffs this year. If that wasn't exciting enough, we got matched up with the Washington Capitals in the first round. The Caps, of course, have Alexander Ovechkin, who evidently has been named the new "king of hockey" by the national hockey league. Well you know what? No one fucking told Philadelphia! Everyone picked the Caps to beat us even though we had more points than them in the regular season, we have a better, more proven goaltender, and we're a more balanced team. Everyone on ESPN just loooooves Ovechkin so much. Well you know what Barry Melrose.... you can go suck his Russian cock., cause tonight the Flyers beat the fucking Capitals. Yeah, it took an overtime period in game 7, but still. We get to play the Canadiens in the next round, and though I may not get to see a game cause I don't get whatever the fuck this VS. channel is (way to get a good TV contract NHL... really, you did a great job there), I'm still ridiculously excited. There is NOTHING quite as nerve-racking as an overtime hockey game where the first goal wins the game, and there is nothing quite like playoff hockey. If the NHL regular season was anything at all like the playoffs, the league would certainly have more fans. It's hard to explain the thrill of seeing your teams back in the playoffs, and succeeding, after they've been down in the doldrums for the pat few seasons. Do I expect either the Flyers or Sixers to actually win a title? No, not really. We're just not good enough... yet. But then again, the uncertainty is what makes the playoffs so damn exciting in the first place. I may need to start downing pills just to make sure my enthusiasm doesn't the best of me.
Sooo I got the start of the season for a Phillies team with an extremely potent offense, I got my basketball team getting the NBA's attention by giving those cocky-ass Pistons all they can handle, and I got my hockey team beating the NHL's new golden boy to advance to the next round in the playoffs. You know what, I could get used to this. This is gonna be a good few weeks. I fucking love spring.

On the Olympic Torch and the Masters

2008-04-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

Being a sports fan, I'm naturally excited for the Olympics. Coming around every four years, they have that special feel for me that I otherwise only seem to get with the Super Bowl, the NCAA tournament, and the World Cup. There's something about seeing people just give their all in the name of their country that's pretty cool. You don't see such passion and pride anywhere but the Olympics (maybe at the World Cup and NCAA tourney, but too a much smaller degree). For the most part, Olympic athletes aren't super famous and ridiculously rich. They haven't been spoiled, so to speak, by fame.
The running of the torch is one of the Olympics' time-honored tradition. Not only does it get people all psyched-up for the Olympics, but it helps us to remember the beauty of sport (god that sounds cliche). But in all honesty, that's what the torch is meant to represent, and I think most people see it as transcending the simple flame that it is. The Olympic torch is usually met with gala and celebration, but that is obviously not the case this year. The numerous demonstrations and protests that have met the torch on its journey thus far are well documented. My feelings on these protests are kind of split.
It's always a good thing when people are standing up for the suffering of others. China's humanitarian record is widely known to be a disgrace and it's about time attention was brought to this. Knowing China's humanitarian stances, I'm surprised the International Olympic Committee allowed Beijing to have the games in the first place. Did they expect people to be so apathetic as to not care at all about the atrocities that the Chinese government permits? If so, I don't know whether that speaks to the ignorance of the IOC or to the sad state of social consciousness in the world today. Whichever the case, it seemed that the IOC expected politics not to come into play during these Olympics at all. That, for sure, IS ignorance. On a platform this prominent, politics are bound to come into play. And it's not as if the Olympics have never served as a stage for people to express their political agendas. You have Jesse Owens basically slapping Hitler in the face at the1936 Olympics, South Africa being banned from the 1964 Olympics, Tommie Smith and John Carlos raising their fists in support of the civil rights movement at the 1968 games, the Munich kidnappings and subsequent murders in 1972, and America boycotting the 1980 games in Moscow. If the rest of the world is watching, politics will ALWAYS come into play. You'll never have a better chance to reach a large audience.
Jacque Rogge, president of the IOC, did not help matters by reacting to the mass protests by saying only that he is in "silent diplomacy" with China. What the fuck kind of euphemism is that?? Just say that you don't wanna ruffle China's feathers cause their government is as sensitive to criticism as a pregnant woman. Seriously, that is a ridiculous answer. Rogge should lose his job for that. The thing is, no one's happy with China's government. Human rights violations are just one of many worrisome factors relating to the country. Once again, though, economics rule all. America wouldn't dare to say anything. The US economy relies heavily on China's large and deep labor pool (and China, in return, relies on us to purchase a large chunk of their goods). Though condemning China publicly would be the right thing to do, it would make no financial sense to do such a thing. The American government, and one could argue rightfully so, will not jeopardize their mutually-beneficial relationship over a country as insignificant (to them) as Tibet. Rogge has said that he thinks the games will be a "catalyst for change and will open a country which used to be mysterious to much of the world". Well you better hope so Jacque, cause so far it's not going too well.
On the other side of the equation, it's a shame that these protests didn't emerge before the Olympics. Sure this is a great way to put attention on the issue, but you have to feel bad for the people running the torch and for the spectators that just wanted a glimpse of it going through their city. I think it's a sign of the times that even something as seemingly insignificant as the running of a lit torch cannot occur without upsetting people across the globe. It's a shame both that the innocence of the Olympics are gone and that people will never let it return. When most people think of the Olympic flame, it brings forth the sense of friendly competition and unity; well it seems unity maybe gone and the competition might not be so friendly anymore.

On a related tangent, China has blamed Tibetan separatists for causing the riots. Oh shut the fuck up you Commie bastards. Give us a break. If you didn't have a billion people in your country no one would give you any respect at all. You're pretty much the Paris Hilton of the world. No one really likes you, but you're tolerated cause you're a billionaire heiress and there's the prospect of getting a blow job.

Okay, when I get home from work I like to sit down and watch PTI. It's one of my daily traditions. Kornheiser and Wilbon's back-and-forth banter always makes for good entertainment. When I got home on Thursday and Friday though, what did I find when I turned on ESPN to watch PTI?... the motherfucking Masters. The Masters! I mean, I understand canceling PTI for the playoffs, opening day, or the NCAA tourney, but not for the damned Masters. As is clearly apparent, I am NOT a golf fan. I just don't care about the Masters and ESPN's blanket coverage of it the last 4 days has been annoying as hell. All I get is golf, golf, and more golf. I understand if people want to play golf, but how can people watch it? Swing, walk, repeat. How is that entertaining in the least? ESPN disappoints me sometimes. We never see any European soccer (even though they have many of the television contracts) or hockey, and instead we get fishing, bowling, racing and golf. Is golf even a sport? My definition of a sport is something you can't do while smoking a cigarette. I'm fairly positive you can play golf while smoking. Now I am greatly impressed by pro golfers. Their ability to hit a small ball into a small hole is impressive, but I don't want to watch it, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. All you ever hear come Masters time is ESPN's sycophantic sportscasters gushing on and on about the beauty and majesty of Augusta. It's a pretty lawn. With holes and tiny deserts. Give me a break. Can we take a national poll on how many people actually want to watch this thing on TV? If more people want to watch it than don't, then I concede and it stays on air; otherwise, move it to ESPN 5 or some shit. Golf is golf, and I will never care. Give me back PTI.

Looking at Comic Books a Whole New Way

2008-04-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

I loved comic books when I was young. Okay, maybe love is too strong of a word, but I definitely read them on occasion and always watched the cartoons (X-men the cartoon = fucking awesome!). I was thrilled when all these super hero movies started getting made. Seeing something on paper is one thing... but seeing something created into real life is another thing altogether. Over the weekend I was walking through a Borders and saw an X-men Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire book (basically a compilation of like the 12 comic book arc). That was one of my favorite cartoon arcs, so I figured what the hell, I'll buy the comic. So as I opened it up I remembered what attracted me to comic books in the first place - the vivid colors, the over-the-top characters, and the amazing illustrations (honestly, I don't know know how they draw those pages.... my stick figures look like shit). But you know what really stuck out to me? Female comic book heroes are HOT.
Obviously, I look at girls a completely different way from when I was five or even ten, but still, this was kind of blatant. Just look at some of them and tell me you wouldn't wanna jump their bones:

Psylocke, wearing an outfit that seems better suited for a Victoria Secret show than crime fighting

Jean Grey's pretty classic... but what's with the come hither look?

Who doesn't love a southern girl?..... especially when she's wearing short-shorts

That's Shadowcat??

So I know what you're thinking, 'but Hepzibah's part cat!' Honestly, would it really matter that much?

Clearly Rachel Grey inherited the Phoenix's hot gene

Am I the only one digging the green hair?

Just to be fair, the artists even made the super villains hot:

Here's Lady Deathstrike

And last, but most definitely not least, Emma Frost (Really?? Yes, really.)

And to show I'm not just some sick bastard, other people have noticed the, um, assets of female comic book characters as well. There's an entire website dedicated to them! So how t0 explain the voluptuousness of these (for the most part) childhood characters?
Well though comic books tend to be targeted towards kids, they've always dealt with real life topics. Death and sex are constantly prevalent in comic books. How many kids saw their first kiss in an X-men book, or first learned about the pain of love from Spiderman's and Mary Jane?

Sexuality plays a major role in many a comic book plot. As society's views of sexuality and the female figure have changed, so have the depictions of said female figures in comics. Most casual fans have seen the original X-men costumes, which by todays standards are tacky and ultra-conservative at best. As a whole, society has clearly become more comfortable with the overt sexuality of the female figure over the years, and this evolution is no different in the comic book world. Comics have always served as a medium for social activism (one would have to be blind to miss the connections between the racial tensions prevalent in the 1960s and the outcast X-men), and women's rights and progresses have no doubt played a role in the thought processes that have gone behind many a comic. So in some ways one could say the natural zeitgeist shift has led to female comic book characters dressing more provocatively in an effort to keep up with the seemingly never ending trend of female clothing becoming skimpier and skimpier; but then, one must also look at who exactly is creating these drawings.
Traditionally, the comic book industry tends to be dominated by men. Men think up the ideas, write the stories, and draw the pictures. It shouldn't really be a surprise then that there are so many attractively drawn female characters, should it? Not to get too Freudian on your asses, but I think it's safe to say that many of these characters are direct manifestations of what these male artists would want in a girl; their inner id more or less put to paper. Who doesn't like a girl that can kick some ass? Every guy, whether he admits it or not, has a thing for the conflagration of boobs and leather, and comics provide an unacceptable way for this fantasy to come to life, so to speak.
So where to from here? Well as a genre, comics, more specifically graphic novels, have always been on the forefront of acceptance of what is seen as social un-norms. Alan Moore's seminal Watchmen, which was released waaay back in 1986, dealt blatantly with the themes of sex, rape and homosexuality. It could be argued that mainstream Hollywood still tends to see these topics as almost taboo. Obviously the smaller core audience of comic readers allows the genre to stray away from the mainstream without offending those obnoxious know-it-alls I like to call conservatives, but still, it seems weird that the most forward thinking of our media is found in books full of pictures of men and women dresses in brightly dyed tights. But perhaps it is these pictures that allow comics to be so progressive in the first place. People (in general) see cartoon drawings and immediately think the material within to be of the conventional and "safe" variety, little realizing that these picture books are showing and telling them what they are perhaps afraid to see and hear. As Marvel, DC and other comic publishers continue their release of graphic novels in order to tap into the 'adult' market, the limits for the genre are boundless. The combination of words and pictures allow comics to touch the imagination in a way totally different from the way books do. Plus, books just don't give you Mary Jane modeling underwear.

What Pisses Me Off Right Now

2008-03-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

If you start me up
If you start me up I'll never stop
If you start me up
If you start me up I'll never stop
I've been running hot
You got me ticking gonna blow my top
If you start me up
If you start me up I'll never stop

The Rolling Stone - Start Me Up

Okay, I'm generally not an angry guy (at least I don't think so). I 'm pretty relaxed and pretty chill. But certain things get me riled up. Here's what's been pissing me the hell off of late:

The crappy internet you get in hotels. Now basically having lived in hotels for the last year, this is a constant complaint by me to anyone willing to listen. I mean seriously, for whatever ridiculous sum I'm giving you guys every night, you can't get me some decent fucking internet? What is that? You fuckers.

Taking my shoes off in the airport. Look, I'm not gonna blow up a god damned plane with my fucking shoes. Stop making me take them off! It's a pain in the ass. My feet get cold. And I have to wait like ten minutes for a bunch of old people and/or people flying for the first time to realize they have to take their shoes off and then doing so when they get to the front of the line. If I could shoot one person in the leg, I'd shoot the shoe-bomber guy. This is your fucking fault asshole!

March madness brackets. My bracket has never won. Never. I mean, c'mon... throw me a bone sometime! And having all number one seeds in this year? That sucks complete ass. Now you're gonna have that one person in your pool that picks no upsets winning, and then you have to listen to them brag about it and bring it up for the next year even when they pretty much know shit about college basketball. What the fuck you 61 non-number one teams?? You guys are asses.

Those Holiday Inn 'hot bar' commercials. Not only is it that they're kinda creepy, but pretty much any half-decent hotel you stay at's gonna have breakfast. This isn't something new and ground-breaking. Everyone does it.

Taxes. Taxes blow. They just do. If you've never done your taxes, good for you. And if you have done your own, we're in the same boat. So here's a big raised middle finger to the good 'ol IRfuckingS.

Elite Eight Predictions

2008-03-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, so 7 out of 8 isn't bad, right? And c'mon, being from Philly, I had to pick Nova. But whatever. Hopefully the Elite 8 games are better than the Sweet 16. Blow-outs suck. So here's my predictions:

1 - UNC over 3 - Louisville - UNC hasn't been challenged yet. Louisville might be more of a challenge for them, but I don't see this one being all that close.

1 - Kansas over 10 - Davidson - I love this Davidson team. They're fun to watch, and before yesterday I would've had them beating Kansas. But watching Kansas just completely nullify Nova's perimeter game was too impressive. It's close with a lot of lead changes, but I have Kansas winning in the end. Just too many good players on that Jayhawks team.

2 - Texas over 1 - Memphis - Both teams are real good. Memphis impressed the hell out of me with their athleticism, but I really DJ Augustin and this Texas team. Plus we can't have an all number 1 Final Four, right?? Texas by the slimmest of margins.

1 - UCLA over 3 - Xavier - UCLA's too good, that simple. Plus I have them going all the way... I can't back track now.

There they are. I can totally see Davidson, Memphis or Xavier winning though. It's just too close. Plus I'll totally be rooting for Davidson to take out Kansas. You gotta love March Madness.

March Madness!!

2008-03-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've been slacking. And obviously I'm a little late with my Madness thoughts. But better late than never, right?
So I had USC in my Championship game. Now this may seem to foolish to many of you, but everyone (well at least Michael Wilbon and Bill Simmons) was raving about the progress of OJ Mayo. So I jumped on the Trojan bandwagon. Imagine my utter joy when I come back from work to see that USC is down by ten with 2 minutes to go. Awesome. There were two lessons to be learned from this devastating defeat:
1) NEVER, under any circumstances, bet on someone named OJ. Seriously, what was I thinking??
Which brings me to point number 2) I fucking suck at picking an NCAA bracket. My cinderellas always fail and my favorites always falter. If you ever want to win a bracket, just pick the opposite of me. It's just fate at this point. I am destined to never win a god-damned NCAA pool. The only thing I'm proud of is that I had Nova making it this far.
Well I have UCLA winning it all, so if you're a Bruins fan, let me just apologize in advance.

Screw you ESPN.com. You couldn't have posted this story before I picked St. Mary's to beat Texas? Thanks for nothing, fuckers.

Someone's gonna get a real good player in Stephon Curry. I hope he stays in school; it's players like him that make the tournament fun to watch. Also, maybe he'll hit puberty by draft time next year.

Seriously USC, you lost to Kansas fucking State. C'mon! That's where kids that don't get into Kansas go to school! Granted, they did somehow end up with Michael Beasley and Bill Walker... so I guess they know how to recruit right?

Without further ado, here's my sweet sixteen picks:

1 - UNC over 4 - Washington State : UNC's just talented, too athletic

3 - Louisville over 2 - Tennessee : Seeing as I had Tennessee losing to Butler in the last round (which almost happened!) no way I can go with the Voluneers here. Plus, Lofton's hurt

12 - Villanova over 1 - Kansas : Okay, so in my bracket I have Kansas beating the 'Cats... but to hell with that. Go big or go home. Nova's peaking at the right time and Kansas always seems to fold sometime. Why not against a confident, well-coached Villanova team?

10 - Davidson over 3 - Wisconsin : So originally I had USC beating Georgetown in this spot. Ha! Davidson's hot and Curry's playing out of his mind. They beat Georgetown. Are Wisconsin better than the Hoyas? I don't think so. Though this means either a 10 or 12 seed in the final four, I'm going with it.

1 - Memphis over 5 - Michigan State : Just like to point out that I called this game beforehand. As much as I like Drew Neitzel and Tom Izzo, it's hard to go against an immensely talented Memphis team.. at least for now.

2 - Texas over 3 - Stanford : Sooo my prediction of Marquette vs. St. Mary's didn't actually pan out. So I visited Sanford's campus a few weeks ago. And all I can say is FUCK THE CARDINALS! Not only do you get ivy league level education while having actual competitive sports teams, but our damn campus is absolutely gorgeous. Bullshit. Total bullshit. Going with Texas on pure emotion here.

1 - UCLA over 12 - Western Kentucky : UCLA might've struggled their last game, but please... they're not losing to Western Kentucky. UCLA in a rout

3- Xavier over 7 - West Virginia : I originally had Xavier beating Duke here. I don't see them not being able to handle the Mountaineers.

And there you have it. The answer key. Just for you
(Again, UCLA fans, I'm so very sorry...)

On Duke-UNC

2008-03-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

I'm by no means the biggest college basketball fan. Yeah, the college game has a certain energy to it and (relative to the NBA) remains untainted, but NBA players are infinitely more talented. Given the choice between this ever-present 'energy' and passion that college players have. and talent, I'll take talent every time. Minor league baseball players may be more passionate than their major league counterparts, but would you rather watch them over the game's top players? - didn't think so. I generally don't start watching college games until the tournament starts, with the possible exception of a few Big 5 games if they're on TV. That being said, I felt like I had to watch the Duke - UNC game last night.
There's something about the Duke-UNC rivalry that's just awesome. We really don't have anything like it in any other sport. It's that nameless quality that makes every game seem special (similar to when your team's playing on MNF). I guess you could make a case for Yankees - Red Sox, but that just doesn't have the same feel to it. Plus that so-called rivalry always seems to be one-sided. Either the Yankees or dominating or the Sox are. Duke - UNC was a more even match-up (Duke being ranked 5 and UNC 1). If I had to pick one college game to go to every year, it would definitely be the Duke - UNC match-up. Yes, I'd take it over the NCAA title game. Why? Atmosphere my friend. Now with most college games this isn't enough to make up for the poor quality of the game, but with two teams like Duke and UNC that generally isn't an issue. The atmosphere at every Duke - UNC game just looks electric. Both fan bases are totally into it and giving their all. They're living and dying with every basket. It truly means something to both sides. With tournament games, you're on a neutral court with a lot of neutral fans. Just doesn't have the same feel. (Now some may wonder how I could not choose a game at the Palestra, seeing my alma mater Penn play Princeton or another such team for the ivy league title. Well honestly, we don't deserve the Palestra. The place is usually half-empty for most games and though Penn's a great school to get an education at, it's not a great school as far as school spirit goes. Half the student body spends all their free time doing preppy things, leaving no time for basketball, while the other half spends all their free time talking about how the preppiness of the first half utterly disgusts them. And honestly, we play in the freaking ivy league. There's no conference tournament and we don't give out scholarships. Not exactly the highest level of play.)
Duke - UNC has history and some of the highest level of college ball played in the country. You get Coach K, fans painted blue, and Dick Vitale's head ready to explode. You get kids living in tents for months on end, fans screaming every time the opposing team has the ball, and even a guy in a speedo distracting Tar Heel players when they shoot free throws. Now that's atmosphere. That's passion.
To truly experience the Duke - UNC rivalry I believe you'd really need to attend one of the schools; but if you don't wanna go to school in North Carolina, then going to one of the games is the next best thing. For the true fan, the experience is all about the passion of the other fans around you, and I'm not sure if you'll find a more passionate arena than the one on the day when Duke is playing UNC.

Okay, another reason I watched the Duke - UNC game... Erin Andrews. She is awesome. She likes sports, works for ESPN and is damned hot. I'm also going to say that she's extremely smart, has a great sense of humor, enjoys making out with other girls, and saves burning orphans in her free time (all facts in the previous sentence are unconfirmed but believed to be true). I mean c'mon, she likes sports and (possibly) saves orphans! You can't beat that. Erin, if you're reading this, I will marry you immediately. Now if that comes off as a bit too strong, I'm also up for simply dating, being a booty call, a friend with benefits or even a love slave. I'm not picky...

On Brett Favre

2008-03-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

Now, when I was just a little boy,
Standin to my daddys knee,
My poppa said, son, dont let the man get you
Do what he done to me.
cause hell get you,
cause hell get you now, now.

And I can remember the fourth of july,
Runnin through the backwood, bare.
And I can still hear my old hound dog barkin,
Chasin down a hoodoo there.
Chasin down a hoodoo there.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Born on the Bayou

With Brett Favre's impending retirement, we will undoubtedly be inundated with tributes to him over the upcoming days and weeks. Now as a football and sports fan, I couldn't help but admire the guy. He played with his heart, always gave his all, and played with a child-like enthusiasm that was definitely endearing to watch. I have absolutely nothing against him. But, in all honesty, I'm not sad to see him go.
I don't want to come off as cold or dark-hearted, but it was time for Favre to leave. His skills have diminished to the point that he's no longer a top 5 quarterback in the league and is hardly a top 10. Some may point to his stats last year that he is still capable of leading a team to the Super Bowl, but I have to think much of that success was due to his very capable receiving corps that included Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. Favre still made those bone-headed plays and threw the ball up-for-grabs as he has been doing the last few years, but he got bailed out time and time again by his outstanding receivers. Would you seriously hand Favre the ball with your team's season on the line? I sure as hell wouldn't.
The worst part about Favre retiring is going to have to listen to Chris Berman and every other sportscaster kiss his royal ass for the next few weeks. Seriously Chris, suck his dick already and get it over with. It's ridiculous. I admired the guy, but he was by no means one of my favorite players. If I had to pick my favorite non-Eagles players I'm going with Elway, Barry Sanders, Tomlinson and, more recently, Adrian Peterson. I never cared that much for Favre... so stop shoving him down my fucking throat! Give me Montana or Marino over Favre any day of the week.
The best part about Favre retiring is gonna be seeing those damned Packers fans cry. I hope you all weep large, salty tears and your stupid cheese-heads melt into your hideous sausage fattened faces. Packers fans being upset always seems to equal me being happy. 'Oh no! Our savior is gone! What will we do without the second coming of Jesus??!' You can go get fatter and freeze in one of Wisconsin's many forests for all I care. He's gone. Get over with. So begins the Aaron Rodgers era. You played hard and with passion Favre, and that's all a fan can ask for. Farewell. Now please don't come back. If I have to hear those fucking Packer fans cackle with joy upon them learning of your un-retirement, I will personally break your knee caps. So go, enjoy your retirement. And let me revel in the pain of all those Packers fans. Yeah, I know, I'm pretty much like a grinch in green and white. Well, I'm perfectly comfortable in that role... so keep on crying you jackass cheeseheads, and know that, in my book, Elway will always be Favre's better. Suck on that!

God, I Miss Football

2008-03-03T21:42:00.000-08:00

Long time, no blog. So the last three weeks I've been traveling in India and driving hundreds of miles for work. Needless to say, a lot has happened.

First off, the damned writer's strike is finally over. About damn time. Now give me more Office!

The NBA trade deadline lead to a plethora of deals. My thoughts on the major ones, quickly:

Pau Gasol to the Lakers - You get Pau for pretty much nothing. Kobe's happy. Your front court will now consist of Andew Bynum, Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol. Fucking A. Sucks for the rest of the NBA. You get Pau playing second fiddle, as he always should have been, and a suddenly even more motivated Kobe. That's scary man. But honestly, what the fuck were the Grizzlies thinking? You already have Navarro, Lowry and Conley, all of whom I like. So of course you get Javaris Crittenton from the Lakers? Huh? You couldn't even pry Jordan Farmar, who's is and will be a better player than Javaris, from the Lakers? Bullshit.

Jason Kidd to the Mavs - Obviously this takes the pressure off of Dirk. The Mavs HAD TO do something after their epic collapse last year. The problem will be if the Mavs can adjust to Kidd. Avery's already benched Kidd in he waning moments of a key game, and unless Johnson can loosen his tightly wound strings and allow the offense to evolve around Jason Kidd, the trade is pointless. A lot will be determined on whether Jason returns to playing the stellar defense he used to bring nightly. He's never been a great shooter and is having a pretty shitty shooting year so far. If he's not creating and at least doing something defensively, this trade sucks for the Mavs. I like Kidd's competitiveness and experience. I think this trade makes the Mavs better. But a contender in the west? Not so sure about that.

The Cavs-Bulls-Sonics Trade - Ben Wallace got out of Chicago and the Cavs managed to fleece Larry Hughes on another team. Seriously, is Chicago retarded? They had enough draft picks and talent to make a push for KG or Kobe.... and now they have nothing. You really think Deng or Gordon are gonna be franchise-type players? The Bulls most consistent player is fucking Nocioni! And now you have Larry Hughes. Dumbasses.
It's addition by subtraction for the Cavs. Just keep Lebron happy, and getting rid of Hughes was one way to do that. I actually liked Gooden, But the combination of Varejao and Big Ben can replace his production while giving you better defense. I love throwing Wally and Delonte onto the Cavs. Now I'm biased towards West as he's a St. Joes grad, but I really think he can ball and can thrive somewhere like Cleveland. He's still learning the point and will get a lot of open looks playing with Lebron. Great trade for the Cavs, the Sonics dump more salaries, and the Bulls still suck.

Shaq to the Suns - The jury's still out, but so far it's not looking too promising. Obviously they were hoping the old Shaq would magically be revived, but I don't think that's happening. Clearly this trade is made more for the bruising, slow-paced game of the playoffs rather than the regular season, so we can't make a true judgment until the post-season starts. From a chemistry and experience stand point, the trade can't help but succeed. But the question looms if Shaq has enough left to help the Suns get over the hump.

The NFL off-season has started being pretty awesome. Money's being thrown around and players are changing teams. Good times. The biggest free agent signing thus far would, arguably, have to be the Eagles getting former New England cornerback Asante Samuel. I like this signing. The Eagles two current corners, Lito Sheppard and Sheldon Brown, are both quite adequate, but when you have the opportunity to attain a ball-hog corner like Asante, on a team that struggled to get takeaways like the birds, you have to sign the man. Did we overpay for him? Yeah, probably. But he should thrive in Jim Johnson's blitz happy scheme, and if we decide to keep all three corners it will give us a fearsome secondary. More importantly, perhaps, the signing shows the fans, the players, and the rest of the league that the Eagles mean serious business. No more pussy-footing around. They're going for it. It also shows their commitment to McNabb. The man asks for playmakers and that's what he's getting. I'm excited by this trade. We could still use a big play receiver and I would love someone to replace Jeremiah Trotter's heart and emotion, but this is a good start. After the bullshit that was the Eagles season last year, it's good to see progress.

The Super Fraud??

2008-02-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

just give us a little bit of soul now, just give us a little bit of soul and here we go!
overload and explode! misdirection - insurrection - with the conspiracy yeah

International Noise Conspiracy - The Blast Off

So while I was laying in a fever induced stupor a few days ago, some hazy thoughts filtered into my head; some hazy Super Bowl thoughts that at once made everything crystal clear: the Super Bowl was fixed! Now, before you dismiss this as some X-Files bullshit, just think about it.
The Patriots were clearly the better team, I don't think anyone will deny this. This is a team that went 18 and 0..... 18 and 0! And then they just come out flat for the freeking Super Bowl? I don't think so. How do you explain that? Clearly they were drugged. By whom you might ask? How about none other than Mr. NFL Commissioner himself, Roger Goodell! Now you might be saying "wait, even if they didn't come out flat, Bill Belichick's horrendous play calling would have doomed than anyways..." Well here's the kicker: Belichick was in on it too!
The ongoing 'Spygate' controversy had been a headache for Goodell, and whatever he saw on those tapes caused him enough consternation to promptly have them destroyed.... or so he says. What if these videos were so incredibly damning of Belichick that Goodell secretly kept them as baggage to hold over Bill's head? Think about it. With all the bad publicity sports, and the NFL in general, has been getting, Goodell NEEDED something to take people's minds off all the nastiness and onto the actual game. Luckily for Roger, the Pats took off hot and never really stopped. The quest for a perfect regular season captivated audiences and sports media outlets. Viewer numbers were gigantic. This was great for Goodell... except for the fact that everyone hated this team.
Everyone needs a bad guy; it's what makes for epic battles. David had Goliath, Rocky had Drago, G.I. Joe had Cobra. Would the Miracle on Ice have been as famous or as big of a deal if we were playing someone other than the hated Russians? I think not. No one even remembers who we actually played in the gold medal game (Finland or Sweden or some Scandinavian team that we would obliterate in a war). So you need the bad guy... but the bad guy has to lose. The Patriots winning would have pissed off everyone outside of Boston and, simply put, turned people off of football for a while. Pats in the Suer Bowl = good, but Pats winning the Super Bowl = bad. Enter Goodell and his tapes.
So Roger takes Belichick aside, tells him he has the tapes and will fuck him over if he argues. The team will get poisoned, Belichick's play calling has to suck, the Giants have to win. So Belichick has no choice but to accept the offer. How else do you explain the sudden passivity of the Patriots offense? What other reason could there be for Belichick being out-coached by Tom Coughlin?
It seems that Goodell's heinous plan worked. The Super Bowl was the second most watched US program of all time. And now people are legitimately excited for the off-season. "If the fuckin Giants could win, then why not us??" Plus everyone's waiting to see what happens to the mighty Patriots, like Germany after World War II. So that is it. The Super Bowl was a set-up. The Pats were fucked over by their commissioner and their coach. Why has no one noticed? Well if you had Brady's three rings and were pounding Brazilian models on a regular basis, you'd probably be pretty content yourself. As for the rest of the country: simple, they HATE the Patriots. We see what we want to see, and we 'saw' the Patriots lose fair and square. But think again. The plot was dubious and clever. No one cares when the bad guy gets screwed over. Next time, though, it could be your team. It could be the Arizona Cardinals getting screwed. Or the Oakland Raiders. Where will Roger stop??! I'm on to you Goodell. You may have pulled a fast one on the rest of the country, but I've uncovered your nefarious scheme. I bet you're the one that gave me that fever in the first place. Well, those 8 tabs of Nyquil showed you!

Post - Super Bowl Thoughts

2008-02-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

So I'm a day late, but I felt like death yesterday...

Hahahahahahahaha.... yup, that's me laughing at the Pats. 18....and 1. That's what you get you cocky motherfuckers. Between Spygate and the utter lack of sportsmanship, the Pats deserved to lose. Honestly, I hate both of these teams. If possible, I would've liked both of them to lose, but having to pick one I had to go with the Giants. Did I think they could pull it off in a million years? Hell no! I mean, Eli? Seriously? How did that happen? The answer is simple: karma. You pull enough shit it will come back to haunt you. Bill Belichick acted dick-like throughout the season and ultimately the Pats paid for it. Well that's what you get. What a fucking unlikable team. They got EXACTLY what they deserved. Go cry to Gisele, Brady. Go chew on your hoodie, Belichick. Go use more HGH, Harrison. Go sulk like you always do, Moss. Cry into your baked beans, Boston. Between the World Series titles and the Celts you bastards have become insufferable. For once, it seems, sports justice is served.

So it's come to my attention that a large number of Giants fans have suddenly 'emerged' in Philly. Fuck that shit. If you didn't have the guts to wear your team's jersey before you have no right to wear them just cause your team won the title. That's bullshit. That's not being a true fan, that's just being a front-running bastard. I despise that shit. If you're gonna support your team you support them through the thick and thin, not only when they're winning. Front-runners are a disgrace to themselves and to their city. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Your jersey should be ripped from your back and you should be flogged.

The Gang Mentality

2008-01-30T20:20:00.000-08:00

Its only cos you came here with your brothers too
If you came here on your own you'd be dead
Raise a glass or two
You raise a fist or two
Get a shopping basket wrapped round your head

So here we go with the letter
Oh can you fix it for me
24 hour drinking
To keep us all off the streets

So tonight you'll sleep softly in your bed

We are the angry mob
We read the papers everyday
We like who we like
We hate who we hate
But we're also easily swayed
We are the angry mob
We read the papers everyday
We like who we like
We hate who we hate
But we're also easily swayed

Kaiser Chiefs - Angry Mob

So anyone that knows me well knows that I've never read or seen any of the Harry Potter's, never watched Lost, and never sat through Titanic. As someone who lives to read, watch movies, and follow good TV shows, this seems rather perplexing - how could I have never partaken in some of the biggest movie, television, and book crazes of all time? Well let me explain myself.
I have never "fit in". In fact, I make an effort not to fit in. I embrace my uniqueness. To a certain extent, for me, this means doing my own thing and not giving in to the prevailing zeitgeist. I'll watch the blockbusters and listen to a lot of the big artists, but I prefer to embrace indie movies and I love those small bands that no one's heard of. Is this somewhat pretentious? Fuck yeah... but you have to feel important about something, right? I have my wide ranging movie, music, and television interests which give me a self-satisfying sense of cultural superiority.
My avoidance of many things "popular" also stems from my distrust of humanity at large. While I have faith in people as individuals, put them together and all you get is an unthinking mass. I think of it this way: one stray dog is not a problem, hell it can even be cute, but put several stray dogs together and you get a roving, crazed pack of dogs. When I see something that a lot of people like I am naturally skeptical. For me, if everyone likes it, there's a good chance it's not very good.
Some people may see all this as nothing more than ignorant, self-important, nihilistic bullshit, and I'm fine with that, but to live with myself, I can't "sell out" to the world. Theres a good chance my personal ideals (for lack of a better word) are horribly and truly misguided. Perhaps I am missing the boat here; watching the proverbial roses pass me by. But so be it. I am granite when it comes to my views on film and music. Most people don't agree with me, which is good, cause if they did I'd probably have to change my opinion.

Turning Books to Movies

2008-01-24T19:43:00.000-08:00

So my hatred for The Golden Compass movie has been expressed to, well, pretty much everyone I know. At first I thought my repulsion was due to the movies straying too far from the book. Over the Christmas holidays I finally watched I Am Legend (read the book about six months ago) and finished reading Children of Men (saw the movie, which I actually enjoyed more than the book, about a year ago). Both these movies detoured drastically from their source material. Compared to them, The Golden Compass was faithful as all hell. But I liked both movies and felt that they did no dis-service to their book counterparts. So why would I have no problem with Children of Men and I Am Legend while being appalled by The Golden Compass?

1) The Golden Compass is part of a larger trilogy, not a stand alone work. And more so, it's part of that particular genre of epic fantasies (The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars). These books or movies were all created over a series of years and have an absolutely die-hard following. The days spent reading/watching these series created a bond between book and reader. We have a certain perception of the works that we expect to be met in their subsequent adaptations. So while you can get away with drastic changes in I Am Legend or Children of Men (books that simply do not, and cannot, create the same type of bond) there's no way to change things in the epic fantasy sagas without, in the eyes of fans, destroying the very fabric of the story.

2) Though I Am Legend and Children of Men were nothing like their books, they still managed to capture the essence of them. The hopelessness and helplessness and spawning of new life that are present within both books are also present in both movies. The Golden Compass book is full of longing, skepticism, and, ultimately, a lost innocence. NONE of this is present in the movie. So while the movie, relatively speaking, stays true to several scenes from the book, the overall tone and essence of the book are completely lost. What good is a work if you utterly destroy its message, its purpose? The answer: it's no good at all. I Am Legend and Children of Men differed from the stories of their respective books while keeping the underlying tones of each, and in this they succeeded in creating excellent pictures; meanwhile, The Golden Compass ripped out the essence of its source and turned a veritable masterpiece into a hollow, soulless piece of crap.

An Open Letter to Comcast

2008-01-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Comcast:

Fuck you!
After driving 15 hours overnight and sleeping for all of half-an-hour, all I wanted was to get to my apartment, drink a few glasses of wine, and watch the football games. Of course when I went to turn on my TV it didn't work. Remembering how you always seem to pride yourselves on your customer support in your commercials, I called you guys up. Now, your customer service agent was very attentive and friendly, but ultimnatley he couldn't do shit for me. It seems you gave me some faulty-ass equipment. Thanks a bunch you fuckers. On one of the biggest sports nights of the year, when the Super Bowl match-up will be decided, after an hellacious car ride, I find myself without a television. What the fuck exactly am I paying your monopoly 90 bucks a month for?? I fought with your shit-ass cable box and modem for a good period of time, but eventually realized my attempts would be fruitless.
Instead of watching from the comfort of my home, I had to head out to watch the game. Granted, I did end up at a Hooter's (for the record, the Stafford, Texas Hooter's carries an excellent array of 'A' girls), but the incessant rumbling of insufferable Packers fans (the most annoying -hands down, even beating those smug Patriot loving bastards) forced me to leave the fine establishment and it's visual appeal for the drab emptiness of my apartment. Ultimately, Hooter's just made me realize the utter un-availability of every girl that works there (well, aside from the Asian chick that had a 'Britney Spears at the VMAs' ass thing going on). Thanks a lot Comcast. Maybe you should change your slogan to "screwing you over at the most inopportune moments when all you want to do is check your email or relax with some TV". Fuck you Comcast. I don't deal well with technology not doing what I want it too. and I will not forget this bullshit soon. With your exorbitant prices, I expect fucking working shit! Next time I'd go with Time Warner.... if only you hadn't bought them out. Bastard Comcast.

I'm a Chargers Fan...for now

2008-01-14T20:59:00.000-08:00

After 2 weeks of NFL playoffs, we're down to four teams: Pats, Chargers, Giants and Packers. Last weekend was nuts, with the Giant and Chargers improbably upsetting the Cowboys and Colts respectively. TO even cried in his post-game press conference (if you haven't seen it, here it is). As an Eagles fan, nothing brought me more joy than to see that useless bastard crying over his new boyfriend Tony Romo. With the Cowboys gone, my worst nightmare, a Pats-Cowboys Super Bowl, had been averted. But who to root for now? The decision was a surprisingly easy one.
I despise the Patriots for the same reasons everyone else does. Belichick's a bona-fide douche, Brady has pretty much everything a guy could want, and Moss suddenly decides to perform this year after killing the Raiders (and my fantasy team!) last year. Plus you throw in those insufferable Boston fans and the Pats are the most unlikable team of my sports lifetime.
Next comes the Giants. While in other divisions in football, once your team has been knocked you may likely cheer for any remaining teams in your division, not so in the NFC East. If we suffer, the rest of the fuckers should suffer too. Seeing as the Eagles were the only NFC East team not to make the playoffs, I wished nothing but plague and pestilence to the Giants, Cowboys, and Redskins. With the 'Skins and 'Boys out of the way, it's time to see Eli and his piece of shit team fall back to earth and burst into flames.
This brings me to Green Bay. I like Brett Favre. I respect the way he plays the game. What football fan can honestly say they don't? But I am motherfucking sick of hearing about him. Every sportscaster is in love with the man. Can Chris Berman get it over with and blow Favre already? Then you throw in Green Bay fans. While Patriot fans are just plain cocky, Green Bay fans have this sort of condescending sense of enlightenment surrounding them. They will take down to you when the Packers are involved. Fuck. That. You cock suckers live in bum-fuck Wisconsin. Seriously? That's supposed to impress us? And take off those ridiculous looking cheese-heads. You retarded jack asses. I hope you all choke on some Bratwurst so I don't have to hear one more Packers fan go on about how great their fucking team is.
That leads me to the Chargers. Do I have any great love are vested interest in this team? No. LT and Gates are fun to watch play, but Merriman's a cheating whore and Rivers is pretty much a west coast (and hence unnoticed) version of Eli. It's a lesser of four evils thing. I simply hate the Chargers less than I hate the Pats, Packers, or Giants. So for now.... go Chargers!

The Stupidest Songs Ever Made

2007-12-27T21:24:00.000-08:00

So as Christmas approached I felt I had to make a list of the stupidest songs ever. Now these aren't necessarily the worst songs ever made, simply the stupidest. Either for reasons relating to music or to lyrics, these songs hurt my brain. Out of necessity I have left out cover songs (alas that means doing without Britney's version of "Can't Get No (Satisfaction)") and limited myself to only one country song. So without further ado, here is some of the most retarded songs ever made

5) Kidrock - "So Hott" (narrowly edging out "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry)

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First off you have Kidrock trying to be all pimp and suave when he hasn't released a meaningful song in about eight years and his biggest claim to fame was sleeping with the walking STD that is Pamela Anderson. Then you have the lyrics to this atrocious piece of shit, and I quote:

"You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex."

Huh? Okay, I could see this song being good in a strip club, but at this point in his career, Kidrock releasing something as ridiculously bad as this track would be akin to Jordan coming back and challenging Kobe to a game of one-on-one. You had your 15 minutes, you made some money, got laid a whole bunch, but give it up man. It's time to crawl back to the trailer park from whence you came.

4) Fergie - "Fergalicious" (narrowly edging out Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend", Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind", and Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps")

You named the song after yourself. This is irrationally dumb! Bad Company tried it out too, but you know what? They actually have talent you stupid bimbo whore! Which such gems as

"Fergalicious
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious
I blow kisses
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got"

and

"I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness"

The song truly makes you stupider every time you hear it. She spells out delicious! Not to mention the fact that she spells tasty "tastEy". You dumb slut. At least learn to fucking spell if you're gonna force us to listen to this awful shit.

3) Craig Morgan - "International Harvester" (narrowly beating out "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" Trace Adkins

It's a song about being a hey farmer. Seriously? Fuck you middle America! It's a shitty job and this is a stupid song. With insightful lyrics like this:

"Well you may be on a state paved road
But that blacktop runs through my payload
Excuse me for tryin’ to do my job
But this year ain’t been no bumper crop
If you don’t like the way I’m a drivin’
Get back on the interstate
Otherwise sit tight and be nice
And quit yer honkin’ at me that way"

I truly feel like driving to a farm and punching whoever answers the door right in the face. How about you get your slow, piece of shit tractor of the fucking road? And maybe next time learn to read and you won't have to haul wheat for a living. Dumbass.

2) Jennifer Love Hewitt "Let's Go Bang" (narrowly trumping anything by Jamie Lynn Sigler)

Sooo you're gonna call a JLH song "Let's Go Bang" and not expect people to take it the wrong way? That's some shrewd thinking there. So bad I couldn't even find a copy of the piece of shit. Perhaps these lyrics will suffice:

"Before the groove hits
The move you want it to
And Uncle Funk wants
It over tonight
So, just dance along to
Wherever they take you tonight
You just bang it all up and out
Bang it all on time"

1) Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmas Time"

The stupidest song ever made and it's not even close. Honestly Sir Paul? After all the amazing Beatles songs and more than adequate stuff with Wings you give us this? I can't even call it music. To go along with the incessant sleigh bells and 80's synth riff, McCartney recites the most uninspired lyrics of his life. I mean, the refrain "ding dong, ding dong" is repeated several times throughout the song. Why? Just why?? Every Christmas I hear this song and all I can think about is how impeccably bad it is. It makes me want to push Santa Claus off a roof and punt some starving African kids. Despite all McCartney has done for music this will always hang over his head like a cloud of shame. Molesting a child would have tarnished your reputation less than this horrid plague upon mankind. What the fuck were you thinking? God I hope you were high on shrooms when you created this tremendous turd.

Okay, that's my list. Obviously it's not complete. There are tons of other ridiculously stupid creations that people call 'songs' out there. The lesson, as always, you don't need to be smart to be in the music industry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen to "Wonderful Christmas Time" for the final time until next December. And after that I think I'll go ride a unicycle into traffic.

Fuck You Hollywood

2007-12-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

So a couple months ago I first saw a trailer for The Golden Compass. Between cool looking special effects, flying witches, talking bears and an image of being anti-church, I was intrigued. Being who I am, I had to pick up the book before I saw the movie. Once I started reading it, I was hooked. Pullman is an excellent story-teller with an ability to make his characters feel real to his readers. I loved the book and consumed it rapidly. As the movie neared my excitement for it grew. The book would be an easy movie to make I thought. One problem with a lot of movies is how to transfer a character's thoughts to the screen, but with pretty much every character having an outwards soul in the form of a daemon, that problem would be solved. Seeing the early reviews I was a bit dismayed, but I figured reviewers were simply being overly-harsh as usual. When I left the theater, however, all I felt was anger at whoever butchered what was a great book.
The main overall problem with the film adaptation of The Golden Compass was that they tried to make the movie for 'kids'. This led to 1) much of the death being taken out of the movie, 2) all references to the 'church' or 'god' being taken out of the movie, and 3) the movie being reduced to a ridiculous 2 hour running time. Let's look at these issues more closely, shall we?

While there was death in the battle scenes, other episodes of death were taken out or changed. First off, the characters of Billy Costa and Tony Makarios are combined into one in the movie, which I would've been fine with if Billy dies when he loses his daemon (as Tony does in the book). But noooo, they have Billy survive. Evidently having a child die would be too dramatic for the 'kid' audience. Then they go and change Iorek Byrnison's back-story. In the book he is exiled for killing another bear, in the movie he is exiled for losing in battle. That compromises his entire character! Which leads to Iofur Ratkinson. Not only is his name changed for some fucking reason (I can only assume this is done so little kids don't confuse two bears with 'I' names) but they changed the question he asks Lyra to prove she's a daemon. In the book he asks her what the first thing he killed was, which happened to be his dad, while in the movie he simply asks her something stupid. Again, the true nature of the character is compromised to make the movie more palatable for kids.

Say what you want, but there is a definite anti-religion undertone in The Dark Materials trilogy. I mean the bad guys work for the 'church!' I wouldn't say the books are atheistic, but rather a warning against the abuses of religious power. This is a main theme of the book. In the movie, however, no reference is made to the church or god at all, but rather the enemies are referred to as the 'Magisterium'. Really? This would be like making an X-men movie and calling Magneto 'metal controller'. This is absolutely ridiculous. Oh no! We can't offend the religious right! Give me a break. These are the same people that get offended by two girls kissing. Fuck them. If they're offended have them actually read the damn book instead of just bitching. How can you just remove the whole religion aspect from the movie? How can you change a whole theme of the book and change who the antagonists are? Total bullshit.

Kids can't sit still for a long period of time, so the creators of The Golden Compass obviously felt like they had to keep the movie to a two hour running time. There is no way you can turn a book the size of The Golden Compass into a two hour movie without destroying the integrity of the book. There was absolutely no character development, when one of the key points of the book is the growth of Lyra. All the scenes seemed rushed and everything was simply explained to you rather than shown. That is NOT how you make a movie! It felt like I was watching a 2 hour movie trailer. The movie was simplified and shortened for kids, along with a dumbed down script, which simply made the movie a series of disconnected scenes that are almost impossible to follow.

There were other major problems with the film. They totally took out the witch's consul and replaced it with the scene with Serafina Pekkala on the ship, which I would've been cool with but that scene just felt forced (Eva Green though? That's some awesome casting). The witches just sort of appear. They were cool and all, but what the hell? And where's Kaisha? I was excited to see him, and then he doesn't even appear. And how about explaining some of the Gyptian and Ma Costa's relationship with Lyra? Oh right, character development isn't allowed.
Chronology-wise, they had the battle at Svalbord before the siege of Bolvangar. Why? What is the point of that? And what about the freeing of the daemons?
This leads directly to the ending... or the lack thereof. In the book they go directly from Svalbord to free Lord Asriel. Seeing as they completely changed this part of the book for the movie, exactly how did they intend to transition into the ending from the book? Seeing as I highly doubt the movie will be profitable so we likely won't see a sequel, I guess it's a moot point.

So evidently the studio wanted to make a new Lord of the Rings-esque trilogy, but I don't fucking think so. Peter Jackson's adaptation of Tolkien's books were a labor of love and weren't made for the 'tiny ones'. The movies worked because Jackson took his time with the characters and, for the most part, followed the book. The Golden Compass, on the other hand, was a total cop-out. It was a way for the studios to get kids who've never even heard of the book go watch a movie cause it had bears fighting. If you're not going to spend the time to make the movie well, then why make it at all? Did they really think this thing was good? Why not bring in some fans of the book for their opinions? After all, they're the ones who'll go see the movie multiple times and spread it by word of mouth. I've lost a lot of faith in Hollywood. I Am Legend comes out next weekend. Ruin that too, and my faith may be extinguished for good. Fuck you Hollywood.

Some sports related thoughts

2007-12-06T23:13:00.000-08:00

First off, fuck the Pats. I'm fucking sick of them. I honestly don't think I've ever hated a team this much. Maybe the Yankees of the late 90's and early 2000's, but they had people like Torre, Jeter, Rivera and Posada you couldn't help but respect. Maybe the Shaq-Kobe Lakers, but ultimately I think that was just a 'me hating Kobe' thing. But the 2007 Pariots have absolutely no redeeming qualities. Let's make a convenient list:

1) Their coach, Bill Belichick, is a complete and utter douche. He treats the media and opposing coaches like dirt. Then there's being caught cheating (yeah I'm sure everyone does it, but they haven't been caught!) Due to everyone now, sorta, half-questioning the validity of the Pats last three Superbowl victories, Beli-dick has taken it upon himself to completely ruin whatever was left of sportsmanship in the NFL and unnecessarily run up scores. I mean, to soundly beat your opponent is one thing, but to go out of your way to humiliate them is something different altogether. There's no reason to throw on 4th and 1 with a four touchdown lead with a minute left in the game.

2) Tom Brady's too lucky. Three superbowl titles, tons of money, and Gisele? That's bullshit. I hope a baby grand piano falls on him (only injuring him as I would not wish death on anyone...yet).

3) I draft Randy Moss for my fantasy team last year and he does precisely shit cause he doesn't feel motivated enough to play for the Raiders. Now he's having a receiving year for the ages. Fuck you Randy Moss, you little bitch.

4) The Pats are so god-damned cocky and smug. Listen to the fuckers talk! Jabar Gaffney mocks the Eagles after scoring a touchdown. Really? Jabar motherfucking Gaffney? Who the fuck are you? And way to show some class by the way. Jackass. Just like that piece of trash coach you have.

Honestly, the Patriots are easily the most hated team in the league right now. They're a bunch of arrogant sons of bitches with a cheating curmudgeon as a coach. I hope they're happy being abhorred. And seriously, the next time they're running up the score, will someone just fucking take Brady's knees out? So far only the Eagles, Ravens and Colts have even played this team tough. Next time they try their 'running-up-the-score' bullshit, someone please put a helmet right to Brady's fucking kneecap. Let's see what that cunt Beli-dick has to say then.

Billy King is gone!! Thank you god. If you're not a Sixers fan it's hard to understand the ineptitude of King. Check out the Sixers payroll. We're paying Chris Webber and Aaron McKie a combined 26 million to NOT PLAY FOR US!! AI is gone and the draft picks we got in return yielded Thaddeus Young and Jason Smith. Dalembert's making about 11 mil a year thru 2011. We couldn't get Andre Iguodala (easily our best player) to agree to a contract extension. This once proud franchise has become the poster child for awful management and misappropriation. Good riddance Billy King. You suck (almost as much as Ed Wade!)

I love basketball. It's just an excellent sport for home viewing. Maybe even more so than football. With so many people on the field during a football game at once, it's impossible to see what every player is doing during every play. Baseball is just too slow, and hockey is simply too fast for the camera to catch up with (why'd they get rid of that puck tracking thing?). Here then are my Top 5 basketball players as far as viewing enjoyment is concerned:

1) Lebron
People need to stop with the MJ comparisons. They're stupid and unfounded. His game is much more comparable to Magic Johnson's. Lebron's always been a flashy player, but his defensive effort this year is what has made him such a joy to watch. No one in the NBA is playing better. And his team sucks complete ass when you take him out of the mix; he's doing it pretty much by himself. I need to see what he can do every time he touches the ball cause there's a good chance it could be something amazing.

2) Steve Nash
I love the point guard position, and Nash is the best offensive point guard in the game today. Seeing someone play so un-selfishly and with every intent of making his teammates better is the true wish of any real NBA fan. Not to mention his impeccable dribbling ability and utmost preciseness from the free-throw line. Future point guards should be forced to watch tapes of Nash.

3) Allen Iverson
He's older, but he's still the tough-as-nails, cold blooded assassin he's always been. He does some shit every game that makes me jump out of my seat. Just an amazing athlete and a once in a lifetime basketball player. Yeah, I'm biased, but it's my blog... so fuck off.

4) Kobe
He's still a cunt but he's so smooth when he plays, he just makes it look so fucking easy, how can you not admire his game? I expect him to go for 50 every time I watch him play.

5) Chris Paul (narrowly edged out KG, Dirk, Deron Williams and Wade)
He WILL be the best pure point guard in the NBA within 3 years. Just too damn good. He knows what to do to make his team win. He can pass, he can score. Just needs to work on that whole staying healthy thing...

So Scott Rolen wants a trade. What a whiny little bitch. He couldn't cut it in Philly, so he ran away to St. Louis. Things were peachy there, Rolen even won a World Series, but now he wants out of there to. Shut the fuck up and play you stupid primadonna. You're not good enough to be making these kinds of demands. Shut your stupid mouth and play hard. If you can't survive in St. Louis, with 'friendly' mid-western fans, you might wanna consider the Venezuelan league. You fucker.

2007-11-30T22:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, I haven't posted anything in ages. Well, between Thanksgiving, being sick, work and being a lazy fuck, I've been busy. I felt like I had to chime in on the Hollywood writer's strike. Being an un-abashed cinephile and TV fan, the strike has directly affected my life. I don't know what do without my daily doses of Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Conan O'Brien. I'm at a loss as to how to fill my time and have mostly filled it by watching copious amounts of porn. This has led to massive chafing. You might be asking yourself 'but i don't understand the strike??' Rather than explain it in my eloquent way, I refer you to this excellent Youtube video:

I have to say that I am equivocally on the side of the writers. I mean, how could I support the giant corporations over the little guy? Are the writers well paid now? Yeah, they really are. But compared to what actors and studios make off their material they're getting shit. Seriously studios - just pay them already! This is only hurting Holywood and the shitty reputation that it's gained amongst the American public. Give them the right to their fucking intellectual property. They're not even asking for anything extravagant. And please, do it quickly; if I'm forced to watch only reality TV for the next few months I may go all OJ on somebody.

Tackling steroids

2007-11-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

I look at you, then you me
Hungry and thirsty are we
Holding the lion's share
Holding the key
Holding me back cause I'm striving to be...

Better than you (Better than you)
Better than you (Better than you)

Lock horns I push and I strive
Somehow I feel more alive
Bury the need for it
Bury the seed
Bury me deep where there's no will to be

Better than you (Better than you) ,
Better than you (Better than you)

Oh, can't stop this train from rolling
Oh, no, nothing brings me down
No, I couldn't stop this train from rolling on and on on
No, no, forever holding on...

Metallica - Better Than You

So the most prevalent story in sports is steroid use. At this point, it could come out that Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods are pumped full of roids and I wouldn't be surprised. The thing is, if you're a pro athlete, you have one of the most coveted jobs in the world. There are millions out there that want your job and are only maybe a little less talented than you. You will try and get any competitive advantage you can to keep your job. As athletes age, there just isn't a way for them to compete against younger, stronger individuals. They want to keep their livelihoods just like any of us would. Now I'm not going to condone steroid use (I would never touch the shit), but it is understandable. And seeing as everyone is using steroids, why not say 'fuck it' and just let athletes use them?
Steroids are bad for you. That cannot be argued. But every athlete that uses them knows exactly what they're doing (no matter how many times they use that damn flaxseed oil excuse). They know that in the long term they're going to pay the consequences, and if they're willing to accept what will ultimately happen to their bodies who are we to stop them? Let them do what they want, let steroid use be legal. Instead of secretly doing steroids wouldn't you rather know if your favorite player is shooting up? There will always be a certain contingent of athletes that will refuse to use roids and will play the game clean - and it would be nice to see them getting credit for continuing to play the game clean even if they have other options. You want role models, your non-using athletes will be great examples for kids out there.
This poses two problems however. Number one, it does encourage young people to use steroids. That would be bad. I'm not sure if we even know the full extent of steroids on young people but I cannot imagine it would be anything good. Perhaps, though, when a large percentage of the players they grew up watching start dying off at a young age, people will stop using steroids of their own free-will. If you want to stop steroid use it seems like this sort of self-policing might be the best way to go.
The second problem, and the one you most hear about in baseball, is how this will affect the record books. Steroid use would most likely create inflated stats and upset the traditionalists as their heroes of yester-year are replaced by the young punks of today. My contention, though, is that these records barely mean anything as it is. We try and use statistics as a barometer to compare players across generations, but that comparison will always prove to be nothing more than conjecture. I mean, look at Wilt Chamberlain. He played in an era where players were shorter and didn't life weights. How can you in anyway compare him to Shaq or Olajuwan? What about Babe Ruth - he dominated a league while evidently being a fat fuck and drunk half the time. Put him on a strict diet and fitness regimen, and who knows what he could've done (although maybe his hitting prowess was directly correlated to his fat, sort of like the obese man's Samson). The only way to rate players is against their peers. So the vast majority of sports records simply don't mean that much. Not one sport has not been affected by improvements in technology and training techniques. If you ask most people, they'd still take Aaron or Mays over Barry Bonds any day of the week.
The whole steroid case is putting a damper on sports. Let's not kid ourselves - the majority of athletes are likely using. They're simply too competitive not too. Trying to test them and stop them is a fruitless effort and everyone knows it. There's just too many different things out there and the creators will always be able to stay one step ahead of the testers. So what's the point? Let people use steroids. You know what it can do to you. If you're dumb enough to use don't you deserve what happens to you? Hell, we haven't outlawed cigarettes even thought they're vastly more dangerous to the general populace. Eventually athletes will choose between using steroids and living. If they choose steroids... so be it. At least it'll make for some competitive games.

Who is a true fan?

2007-10-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

So I'm at a bar in Albuquerque this week watching the Eagles-Bears game (um, we're not talking about the game) and I met this other kid who's a birds fan. The thing is, he's not from Philly. He has no link to Philly. He's been there once in his life. But yet he's an Eagles fan. I had to ask him why, and his answer was that he's been a fan since the Cunningham days. Sooo basically that's not an answer.
This got me thinking. I don't know if I get anyone just 'becoming' an Eagles fan. They're not a sexy team like the Cowboys, Niners or Steelers. We've never had a period where we were ever the best team in the league. Sad as it is, as a birds fan from birth you're pretty much setting yourself up for a lifetime full of pain. The thing is, if you meet an Eagles fan you can't accuse them of being a front-runner or anything like that cause, well, we have nothing to front run. Any Eagles fan you meet is suffering to a certain extent. But for me, a fan-base is built upon the history of the team and the town. You suffer together as a city and it builds a sort of camaraderie. You pass someone in the street who's wearing your team's jersey and you give them that little nod of solitude, a sign that you are brothers united by your sports team. If you're a Philly sports fan you live in agony not just because the Eagles are struggling this season, but because the city as a whole is in a collective championship drought. This isn't a feeling you can explain. You pretty much have to experience it, and part of being an Eagles fan is knowing, embracing, loving this pain. You just want it to go away. If you didn't live in Philadelphia at any point in your life, can you truly know this feeling? And without experiencing this feeling of ineptitude, can you really say that you're an Eagles fan? It's like being a Red Sox, Cubs or Maple Leaf fan... the pain of losing is part of the mystique of the team; it's why each win and each loss mean so much to us. As much as I love seeing the proverbial 'Eagles nation' spread its wings, it begs asking the question, can these people actually be called "true" Eagles fans?

Thoughts on the Grand Canyon and my weekend

2007-10-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You dont understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and theyve put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath

Alice in Chains - Down in a Hole

Being only 3 and a half hours from the Grand Canyon, and having never been there, I decided to drive up there this weekend and check it out. Not too bad of a drive, if not a bit boring. There are giant dinosaur statues along Route 40 on the way up there, so at least that made it interesting. When I finally reached the canyon...

It was definitely NOT what I thought it'd be. I guess I was just expecting a cliff with a deep hole that led to the Colorado. What I saw was quite different. I never thought the GC (as I shall now call it) would be as long or as wide. It's impossible to accurately describe the immenseness and vastness of the GC, it's something that really has to be seen in person. There almost seems to be a small mountain range within the actual canyon. It was awe-inspiring to say the least.

My only complaints on the GC are the entrance fee (25 bucks!), which I guess is understandable considering the facilities they have, and the lack of day hikes. The trails are generally too long to complete in a day, so if you want to hike them to the end you gotta pack a tent and spend the night at the bottom of a basin. I wouldn't mind this if I wasn't just going for basically a day-and-a-half by myself. That kinda sucked. But regardless, they got some cool trails with awesome views. I stared into the canyon and muttered 'holy shit' under my breath on several occasions. Just utterly impressive. Ssome of the trails, though, came precariously close to the edge which was a bit un-nerving. One slip and I'm fucked.

Wanna make a killing? Go open a hotel in the GC. All the lodges in the actual park were sold-out and all the hotels right outside were practically booked solid. I ended up having to shell out $200 for a fucking room. If it's this packed during the middle of October (when it's actually pretty cold and windy by the way), I'd HATE to see what this place is like during the summer. There must be no room at all to move.

There were pretty much three demographics present at the GC:
1) Old, retired couples
2) Families with pre-teen children
3) And foreign tourists

I was surprised by the amount of foreign tourists there. I guess I never thought of the GC as this giant foreign tourist attraction. My favorite had to be the hordes of Asian tourists. They were all your stereotypical Asian tourists with cameras around their necks, flashing pictures every few seconds. I couldn't help but chuckle.

Okay, so I got pulled over on the way back (didn't get a ticket though!) and it occurred to me that every single time I've been pulled over it's been at night. Do cops just tend to pull people over more at night? Or do I just not notice them at night so I don't have a chance to stop breaking whatever law it is that I'm breaking at that moment?
I also must note that the cop was cool as hell. He easily could've given me a ticket (especially after it turned out that my license is expired or something, I should probably figure out what's up with that), but he didn't. If it was Texas rather than New Mexico, I can assure you I'd owe someone a fuck load of money right now.

So I got up early to catch the sunrise at the GC, and stayed late the night before to catch sunset, and in all honesty, they might've been a bit disappointing. Maybe I just had un-realistic expectations for what they'd look like. But coming back on 40 near sunset, I saw the best sunset I have very seen. It was incredible. The entire western part of the sky was a fiery yellow, and the eastern sky was a bright purple and pink. Never seen anything like that. Just amazing. Although maybe next time it'd be safer if I just pulled over instead of staring at the horizon through my rear-view.... But if you're ever in the southwest and you wanna see a sweet sunset, head along Route 40.

Nachos - quite possibly the world's best food

2007-10-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

I enjoy eating. I'm not fat and I try and watch what I eat, but I do enjoy my food. I LOVE trying new and different foods. That being said, after trying a plethora of foods in my lifetime, I have to say that there is one definitive food that stands head and shoulders above the rest: Nachos.
I know what you're thinking, nachos? Let me explain.
Nachos give you everything you could ever want from a food. They're crunchy, salty, cheesy, spcy, gooey. They can have meat, guacamole, sour cream, chili - the beauty of nachos lying in the fact that you can make them anyway you want them to be. They can be simple (just chips and salsa) or as complex as you can dream. You get calcium with cheese, carbohydrates and grains from the chips, your daily dose of vegetables and vitamin c with guacamole and salsa. Is lasagna good for you like that? I don't fucking think so. Which naturally brings us to salsa. Anything that involves the ULTIMATE condiment gains instant bonus points. Plus salsa is naturally low in fat and high in anti-oxidants.
Nacho servings can be as big or small as you desire. They can be an appetizer or meal unto itself. They're good at ball games, at restaurants, on dates. You truly cannot go wrong with nachos. No other food gives you the opportunity to create your own concoction. And nachos are so simple and easy to make, it's impossible to mess them up! What other food can claim this? Just a truly awesome and complete food. Gives you everything you could want with the exception of sweetness (and all that sugar isn't really good for you anyways!). Nachos should really be its own food group. So this is my humble salute to the greatest of foods - nachos. Never have you steered me wrong when I am hungry you great satiater of appetites. When it's midnight and I need a snack, or the game's on and I need something to nervously munch on, I know you will be there for me. You tell hamburgers to 'suck it' and hot dogs to 'fuck off'. Thank you nachos... for everything.

Thoughts I had While Driving 1000 Miles from Houston to New Mexico

2007-10-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

If you ever plan to motor west,
Travel my way take, the highway that's the best.
Get your kicks on Route sixty-six.

Well it winds from Chicago to LA
Over two-thousand miles all the way.
Get your kicks on Route sixty-six.

Now you go through St. Louie, Joplin, Missouri
And Oklahoma City looks mighty pretty.
You'll see Amarillo, Gallup, New Mexico
Flagstaff Arizona, don't forget Winona,
Kingsman, Barstow, San Bernadino

Won't you get hip to this kindly tip
When you make that California trip.
Get your kicks on route sixty-six

Nat King Cole - Route 66

Okay, driving 1000 miles sucks ass. It sucks even more when you're by yourself. Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think. And once again, thank you to whoever invented the ipod. I would have gone absolutely insane without it.

- You know you always see those shows where the family's driving down the highway and bugs splatter on their windshield? Well, that really does happen in real life. And let me just say that splattered bugs are an utter bitch to get off your windshield.

- So what's the deal with ordering Starbucks coffee in Italian or whatever the hell it is? It's small, medium and large, NOT tall, grande and venti. That's bullshit. I refuse to EVER use those terms ordering. Your company's from Seattle you damn pretentious bastards!

- New Mexico is gorgeous and is fun to drive in... for the first hour or so. But then you keep going for three to four more hours and it's flat land and Indian casinos for miles and miles and you just want to get the hell out of your damn car. Quite deceiving.

- Evidently all the cacti are in Arizona.

- I need a fucking GPS thing for my car. I get lost too damn often. It sucks

- Texas is too damned big. You can drive for 10 hours and not get all the way across the street. What the hell? Why should any state be that big?

- So I'm staying on route 66. I guess I had some sort of romanticized notion of the highway in my mind. In reality it's a complete shit-hole full of flea-bag hotels and cheap hotels that runs through the shitty parts of town.

- So I'm in Gallup, New Mexico, evidently the "Indian capital of the world". It's kind of depressing. The poverty is staggering and it's sad to see what has happened to the Native American tribes. Alcoholism is exceedingly prevalent among them. Those that want work often have to resort to casinos or to selling jewelery and artifacts to tourists. The economy of this entire region is solely based on cultural tourism. The problem with this kind of tourism is that the indigenous people of the region always get fucked over. Sad state of affairs.

- Lastly, I started watching Friday Night Lights. Good show (well, at least the first season is good, haven't seen any of the second season). The shows are all online. Watch

End of baseball

2007-10-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

The Phillies lost yesterday. Got swept actually. They just didn't have it this post-season. And I'm sure people would expect me to be more upset (maybe I should be), but the fact of the matter is, I'm relatively calm about the loss. There are several reasons why:

1) My enthusiasm for different sports varies. I am fanatical about football. I live and die with it. And though I do enjoy baseball and was extremely excited about us getting into the playoffs, among the four major Philly sports teams the Phillies are my least favorite.

2) I had low expectations for this Phillies team. As much fun as they were to watch, they weren't built for the playoffs. They hit a lot of home runs... which means a lot of strikeouts. We don't really work counts and create runs. We SUCK at small ball. And say what you want, you need patience to survive in the post-season. Add to this the fact that our starting pitching is horribly sub-par and that we only have three relief pitchers that don't make me cringe every time they throw a pitch, and I didn't see us going all that far. Not to mention...

3) We were playing the Rockies. Undoubtedly the hottest team in the league going into the post-season. They've won like 17 of their last 18 or some shit like that. They got hot at the right time. Good for them... bad for us.

4) We were happy to just get in. 14 years without getting into the playoffs will do that for you. Should you ever be happy to 'just get in'? No. But it happens.

5) This Phillies team is young. Rollins, Hamels, Utley and Howard are just entering their primes. This was the first post-season for all four and hopefully it gave them some much needed expereince handling pressure. This will be a big off-season for the team now. We need pitching. Hamels and Kendrick are keepers. What about Moyer? Can he continue to pitch effectively in his mid-40s? What about Garcia and Eaton? Can they come back to be decent or will we add them to the ever-growing list of highly paid free agent busts? Something needs to be done to the bull pen. For the love of all that's holy, please get rid of Jose f'ing Mesa (seriously, I didn't know he was still in the league... I was fucking mortified to see him come out of the bullpen to pitch for us!!).
After pitching, what about the outfield. Burrell had arguably his best year as a pro, but do we bet on him to continue to progress or try and trade him while his value's high (this is, of course, assuming that he is tradeable with that ridiculous contract we gave him.) What do we do with Aaron Rowand? I love this guy and so does the rest of the city, but you know he's gonna be commanding a 10 mil-a-year contract after this season. It's a good free agent center field class, but Rowand is obviously better than Mike Cameron, and after the shit season Andruw Jones had, I'd say he's better than him too. Compare Rowand's numbers to Torii Hunter's. Hunter's are a little better, but Rowand's also 2 years younger. Seeing as you can probably get Rowand for a couple million cheaper, who would you rather have? This all gets complicated by the fact that we have Shane Victorino and Michael Bourn ready to play in the outfield. Something has to give. I for one hope we keep Rowand. Considering we're gonna have to give Howard his money, it's gonna be difficult.
Last of all is what to do with the manager, Charlie Manuel. He has definitely made more than his share of questionable decisions, but he did get us in the playoffs, and, more importantly, the players like him and will play hard for him. I think you have to keep him at this point rather than risk the problems that could arise with a regime change.

All in all, I am in no way disappointed with the Phils season. The playoffs could've gone better, but I didn't think we were beating any team in the AL anyways. For years I've said 'there's always next year', but for once I actually believe it.

The Phillies... and the Eagles

2007-10-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

Nobody on the road,
nobody on the beach.
I feel it in the air,
the summers out of reach

Empty lake, empty streets,
the sun goes down alone.
I'm driving by your house
though i know that you not home...

And i can see you
you brown skin shining in the sun
you got your hair combed back
sunglasses on baby

and i can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the boy of summer have gone.

out on the road today
i saw a dead head sticker on a cadillac
a voice inside my head said don't look back
you can never look back

i thought i knew what love was
what did i know
those days are gone for ever
i should just let them go and...

i can see you
your brown skin shining in the sun
you know your walking real slow
smiling at everyone

i can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone.

Don Henley - Boys of Summer

So the Phillies improbably won the national league east after the Mets epic collapse. It's hard to explain what this means to the Phillies fan-base. While Philly is unequivocally a football town, this is mostly due to the zealot Eagles fans. Phillies fans seem to be more widespread across the city, which makes perfect sense. It's a lot more affordable to go to a baseball game than to a football game. Not to mention the fact that there are only 8 home football games per year as opposed to 80 something home baseball game. There is also the history of the Phillies. The damn team is 125 years old (give or take a few years, I don't know the exact number and I'm too lazy at the moment to look it up). In these one-hundred plus years we've won one, yes one, world series. How unbelievable is that? This year we became the first major sports franchise to lose 10,000 games. Hell, the last time we even made the playoffs was in 1993. I was fucking ten then! A history of he Phillies cannot be written without the word 'futility' being used over and over again. The Phillies have been on the cusp of the playoffs the last few years, and this was a team with a lot of exciting, likable players. Philly fans have embraced Rollins (he totally should be MVP), Utley (the best second baseman in the game), Ryan Howard and the uber hard-nosed Aaron Rowand (please, please re-sign him!). For a team that has seen so many hard times and so many overrated, overpaid, or otherwise shitty players, it was good to finally have a team we could get behind. This team has already made Philly smile simply by making the playoffs. Maybe that wouldn't be enough for a team like the Red Sox or the Yankees, but dude, we're the Phillies! We'll take what we can get. If this team manages to even get to the World Series, I promise you, Philly will be chaotic. We have very low expectations for our baseball team. But this team right now, their comeback to win the east, and the way they play the game... they're a true Philly team. Honestly, I don't really remember watching the '93 Phillies, so for me this is basically the first time I have ever seen my baseball team in the playoffs. I am giddy, as I am sure the rest of Philly is. If the Eagles win, there could be riots. If the Phillies win, the city might just turn into a week-long group hug. God I'm excited for the playoffs. Go Phils!

Aaaaand that brings me to the Eagles. After another disappointing loss, I don't know what to say. We played like complete shit. Our O-line was about as strong as a tissue. The Giants had 12 fucking sacks on us!! 6 by one guy! Which begs to ask the question, while Winston Justice (the Eagles lineman, in only his second season, that got utterly destroyed by Umenyiora) was continually being beaten, why wasn't he given extra help? Andy, you're killing me here. Between all the questionable play calls and now this, you have to ask: what's with him. Is he distracted by his kids off-season problems? Is he just losing the team? I mean, this shit is costing us games. The Eagles have their bye week this weekend; they better take it to focus and regroup. We need people to get healthy and the entire team needs to come out re-energized. This is McNabb and Reid's team, and they need to show that they still have it. Losing to divisional opponents is NOT something that we can tolerate. My faith in the birds is beginning to waver. At least I have the Phillies (God, who'd think that I would ever be saying those words??)

Why I Hate the South

2007-09-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

I mustve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
Theyre moving into the street.

Now did you read the news today
They say the dangers gone away
But I can see the fires still alight
There burning into the night.

Theres too many men
Too many people
Making too many problems
And not much love to go round
Cant you see
This is a land of confusion.

Genesis - Land of Confusion

After eight months of working and traveling around the south, I feel I can definitively say that I hate this place (it has been pointed out to me that my hatred may only apply to the deep south, but that's a matter of semantics). The south is just not my place. Here is why I hate this place:

1) The Racial Divide
Say what you want, but it's still segregated as hell down here. Different races tend to have their own neighborhoods and racism still abounds. What people wouldn't dream of saying up north due to common decency is throw around here as if it means nothing at all. Just listening to people down here talk (decent people that I've worked with) is rather disheartening. If you are gay or colored or otherwise different from the average white-man down here, there is an inherent bigotry towards you that you will have to overcome

2) Welcome to... 1977?
Seriously, coming to this place is like stepping into a time machine. There aren't Starbucks at every corner (which I'm sure seems great until you're looking for a decent cup of coffee in the morning and all you find is Bubba's discount gas) and the whole region has a sort of innocence to it, like it hasn't been perverted by the hedonism of modern culture. Okay, I guess that's cool and all, but living in the past will only make you aversive to the present. Walking into a bar here and seeing confederate flags everywhere.... I mean, come the fuck on! You guy lost the war (and it's the Civil War, not the War of Northern Aggression you dumbasses) and it's time to realize you're part of this fucking country. Get rid of your damn flags and don't give me that 'it's part of our culture' bullshit. You mean a culture of racism and slavery? It's 2007, time to act like it

3) No Dunkin Donuts
Really, why aren't there any down here? No where else can you get an iced coffee and a croissant breakfast sandwich. I beg of you Dunkin Donuts, the South needs you! And while were at it, I miss Wawa too. They need to start spreading. Can we just replace McDonalds with Wawa? Is anyone against this?

4) The Environment
They don't care about the environment here. My background is in environmental science and I love nature... yeah, this bothers me a tad bit. Try and find a place to recycle here. I dare you. Hunting for sport is commonplace (let's kill animals so I can feel like a real man!), and everyone down here drives a truck. Here's my problem with trucks: economically they make no sense and they're AWFUL for the environment. Now if you need a truck to haul stuff or go off-roading, that's one thing, but how many people are actually using their trucks for that? These things eat gas like a fat man at a buffet. And you have all those Chevy and Ford ads basically telling you that trucks are the 'All-American' vehicle. What a bunch of crap. All these things do is abuse the environment and help to perpetuate American dependency on foreign oil. Every time we buy a truck we make a Saudi prince smile. Someone needs to teach the south what the word 'conservation' means.

5) Neglect of Public Health
The South is fat. Look at this report. It's disgusting. And the thing is, they don't give a fuck. They continue to eat BBQ and fried foods (why is there a need to fry pickles of all things?) and smoke like chimneys. Dude, it doesn't get nearly as cold here as it does up north. Go out and run you fat bastards! Have some self-pride.

6) They drink light beers
Pussys.

7) The Redneck Factor
The Redneck stigma is commonplace in the south, and it almost seems like people down here embrace it. You realize we make fun of you for being a 'redneck', right? Oh, and then they call us 'yankees'. Really? That's an insult? Idiots.

8) The Bible Belt
You see churches every 20 feet here. It's ridiculous. No where else have I seen dry counties and such overt conservatism. The preacher said gays are bad, so they must be. How about thinking for yourself for a fucking change? I have no problem if you wanna be religious, but don't let it control your life and don't let it determine how you're going to judge other people. Granted, if I lived in the south I might have to turn to God just so I wouldn't go insane and kill myself.

9) Learn toTalk
Y'all is NOT a word. Also, please remove the mothballs from your mouth when you speak. Thanks.

I'm ready to get out of the south. Seriously. Some people down here still want to secede? Fuck it, do it. I'm sure I'll just miss Houston sooooo much. The only good things in the south are New Orleans and some of those old settlement sites you find in Virginia (note: there are many, though that may not even consider Virginia to be in the south; note 2: I have heard good things about Nashville and Austin; note 3: I don't consider Florida to be a part of the south, it just seems like its own place; note 4: I'm not counting all the great bands that have come from the south). All the major cities are in the north. Do we even need the south for any reason? I don't. Nuke the place and be done with it. We could then teach evolution in all classrooms, have an actual intelligent president, and make some headway in saving the environment.

The Psyche of the Eagles Fan

2007-09-20T20:23:00.001-07:00

love and hate get it wrong :: she cut me right back down to size :: sleep the day let it fade :: who was there to take your place :: no one knows never will :: mostly me mostly you :: what do you say do you do :: when it all comes down :: i don't want to come back down from this :: cloud :: taken me all this time to find out what i :: need :: and i'm doing fine now :: there is no blame only shame :: when you beg you just complain :: more i come more i try :: all police are paranoid :: so am i - so's the future :: so are you - be a creature :: what do you say do you do when it all :: comes down

Bush - Comedown

I'm a little late writing this (should've been here Tuesday) but I've been busy. After a devastating loss to send the Eagles to 0-2, I was in a bad place. So was every other Eagles fan you know. Eagles fans are a peculiar sort that are easily identifiable. They are a select contingent no sane person would want to be part of (likely due to the fact that being an Eagles fan is in itself a case for being placed in a mental institution).
Eagles fans are cynical. We expect Murphy's Law to strike our football team at any instant. And the problem is that every loss leads us to a pit of utmost despair. It will literally ruin our day and make us depressed. When the birds lose, give any Eagles fan you know a hug. They will need it. On the other side, every win is pure, unadulterated elation. It is the happiest moment of our lives, making everything we've invested in the team worthwhile.
Eagles fans are an emotional sort. We wear our feelings on our sleeves... and yell them with our mouths. We will bitch and moan after a loss, and won't shut up about what the Eagles did well after a win. Drunken E-A-G-L-E-S will be heard echoing throughout Philadelphia bars after every victory. Rude? Perhaps. Boorish? Probably. Annoying? Can't really argue that. But so goes the Eagles fan.
Eagles fans care about their players; we will give back to them what they give to us. We are also unforgiving. Insult us, show us you have no heart - and we will be on you like white on rice. Eagles fans are bitter. We are repressed. All we want is to cheer as our team parades down Broad Street, but we are rarely given anything to cheer about. Eagles fans are blue collar, just like this city. We want our team the same way. They better play hard and hit hard. Play hurt and you've earned yourself a loyal fan base for the rest of your life.
The thing about the Eagles fan is they're truly a complicated being. At once passionate, loyal, supportive, jubilant... in the next instant ready to jump off a bridge if our receivers don't stop dropping the fucking ball. Our week is determined by how the birds perform. It is a sad state of affairs, and we are a sad people. We look for a glimmer of hope every year. Talk ourselves into thinking that salvation has finally arrived and that we finally reach the promised land. But with every loss that shining hope gets dimmer and dimmer til there is nothing left. It takes months for the hope to re-brighten, only for the entire process to start all over again. This is the life we live. A constant circle of hope leading to pessimism leading to more hope. Eagles fans are evidently masochistic. We know what we are doing to ourselves, yet we continue. One day the Eagles will be the death of me, undoubtedly. My psyche is fucked. The loss on Monday night to the Redskins just took too much out of me. I could've sworn this was going to be our year. Now I have nothing. I am a sad, empty shell of a being. At least, that is, until we win this weekend. My glimmer of hope hasn't completely faded yet.

3:10 to Yuma/ Stardust

2007-09-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

Ziggy played guitar, jamming good with Wierd and Gilly,
The Spiders from Mars.
He played it left hand, but made it too far,
Became the special man, then we were Ziggy's Band.

Ziggy really sang, screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan, he could lick 'em by smiling
He could leave 'me to hang
Came on so loaded man, well hung and snow white tan.

So where were the spiders while the fly tried to break our balls
Just the beer light to guide us,
So we bitched about his fans and should we crush his sweet hands ?

Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were Voodoo
The kids was just crass, he was the naz
With God given ass
He took it all too far but boy could he play guitar.

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust

3:10 to Yuma

So I'm not the biggest western fan. I do enjoy some of Eastwood's early stuff (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More) where he's just a bad-ass motherfucker blowing people away, but for the most part I can't really watch any of those old John Wayne or Gary Cooper flicks. They're too derivative and predictable and bore me to death. When I saw the preview for 3:10 to Yuma, though, it looked like something I might wanna watch. Russell Crowe doesn't just do any movie, and seeing him as the 'bad guy' proved too irresistible for the cinephile within me. So on a lazy Saturday afternoon i went to check out 3:10 to Yuma (with fairly high expectations may I add).
The movies was good. Very good in fact. An excellent story with an equally good script. Not sure where they shot the damn thing, but the backgrounds are mesmerizing, helping to portray the bleak landscape of the 'old west'. Russell Crowe is frickin good (as usual) but it was Christian Bale who, with his performance in 3:10 to Yuma, has shown that he must be taken seriously as an actor. Ben Foster and Peter Fonda add to the excellent supporting cast. Though the style of the movie is definitely a western, complete with the distinctive facial close-ups, it has been modernized, with more blood and violence then you'd ever find in a 50s western.
What makes 3:10 to Yuma different from every other western is Crowe's character, the notorious outlaw Ben Wade. With his gang of bandits, Wade roams the country-side taking what he pleases with an utter ruthlessness. Wade is captured, though, and Bale's Dan Evans, a broke rancher, joins the crew assigned to escort Wade to his train to jail in hopes of a rich reward. It is here that we see the ambiguity in Crowe's character and we face the problem with the movie. For the movie to work you must see Wade as a conflicted outlaw with a good heart that really wants nothing more than to settle down with a woman, and retains his humanity when he sees that Evans would willingly sacrifice his life to give his family a better one. Looking at the movie from this perspective is the ONLY way to explain Crowe's actions. Otherwise you will be left asking yourself 'why the fuck is he doing this?' throughout the movie. And even then, it's hard to comprehend some of Wade's actions. He runs away, he comes back. What the fuck does he want? Is it all some sort of way to test Evans? The beauty of the movie lies in that we are never told Wade's intentions. We are left to ponder them ourselves. Even the very end of the movie leaves us wondering what will happen next. Crowe's Ben Wade may be one of the most complex characters to ever grace the silver screen; a western version of Hamlet if you will. On the other hand, if you don't recognize this complexity in Wade, then the movie is simply disjointed and the actions of Wade are merely nonsenscal and ultimately make no fucking sense. I prefer to think of him as complex. It makes for a more enjoyable film.

Stardust

Stardust was another movie I went into with high expectations. A great cast (DeNiro, Claire Danes, Ricky Gervais, Peter O'Toole, Michelle Pfeiffer and Ian McKellan as narrator) made the movie a must see. After I left the theater, I couldn't help but smile on the drive back home. Just an astounding movie. Pure fun. Directed by Matthew Vaughn (who also directed the excellent Layer Cake), the movie is a fantasy/comedy, like The Princess Bride for a whole new generation. Vaughn does an outstanding job of combining action and suspense with timely comedy, and I can't wait to see what he does with the upcoming Thor movie (it can't be any worse than Ang Lee's Hulk!). The movie is fairly cliche and anyone with a brain can figure out the ending, but who the fuck cares? Maybe I just saw the movie at the right place, at the right time, but I couldn't have been more thrilled with how it finished up. If the movie didn't turn out happy the way I wanted it too, I would've been fucking pissed (and I must explain that I generally hate generic Hollywood endings). Claire Danes is absolutely adorable in the film. I want on you now Claire. And DeNiro playing a cross-dressing pirate is a role for the ages. The special effects abound, and create an air of fantasy that makes one embrace the very essence of the film. The casting and costumes were impeccable. Michelle Pfeiffer as the bad witch helped me to remember that she was still alive. Just an exceptional movie all the way through. A kid movie for adults, if that makes any sense. Well written, well thought out and well acted. Stardust has forced me to move Neil Gaiman's book of the same name to the top of my reading list (though undoubtedly Gaiman's version will be much darker, only hints of which could be seen in the movie). Could the movie have been edgier? Sure. But the campiness was half the fun. Escaping into a pure fantasy-land for an hour and a half was the point, and it certainly did not disappoint. The only problem with the film was in the way it was marketed as a 'date movie.' Fuck that. It should have been marketed to all the comic and sci-fans out there; the movie is a fanboy's dream. Yeah, you could say the movie's about love, but it's also about hope, growing-up, and the utter un-expectedness of life. Word of mouth will spread the excellence of the movie and I would not be surprised to see it gain cult status. But if you were smart, you'd watch it now. More likely than not you'll find yourself jumping aboad the Stardust bandwagon.

Some friendly advice on getting a job

2007-09-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I was born on a sunday; on thursday I had me a job.
I was born on a sunday; by thursday I was workin out on the job.
I aint never had no day off since I learned right from wrong.

Every friday, well, thats when I get paid.
Dont take me on friday, lord, cause thats when I get paid.
Let me die on saturday night, ooh, before sunday gets my head.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - The Working Man

I don't recommend work. After just 8 months on the job, I have come to one undeniable conclusion: WORK SUCKS! No one likes their job. Work makes us tired, depressed and down-right irritable. I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is in bad shape (maybe I should start smoking weed regularly just to calm my nerves). Traveling all the fucking time I'm, simply put, becoming a fat fuck. Not that I don't want to be in shape, but there's either no time or I'm too damned tired. The problem as I see it with work is that we spend 40 hours + at work per week. And that doesn't even include traveling to and from your job site. There's 168 hours in the week. So at the minimum, full-time employees are spending roughly one quarter of their week at work (and for most people that number is much greater). Think about that. This is not right. To quote Rickey Watters, "for who? for what?" Life's too damned short for this, where we spent the best years of our lives stuck at work doing some ultimately meaningless task. How lame is that? If someone told me I had 20 or so years of slogging for some company that under-appreciates and under-utilizes me to look forward to, I would've said 'no fucking thanks.'
Maybe work has brought out the existential part of me, but I got to ask, what's the fucking point? Honestly, if this is all there is, I now understand why people would turn to drugs or alcohol to find a brief solace from life. American Beauty has suddenly become a lot more meaningful and poignant to me. While we're busy working, living the so-called 'American dream', the world is passing us by. I have learned nothing useful at work. All I've learned is that I suck at driving trucks, the deep south is still racist as all hell, and guys from Milwaukee can fucking drink. My brain is slowly atrophying. You know that scene in Billy Madison where Adam Sandler tells the fat stammering kid to "stay in school as long as you can"? I wanna tell that to everyone. College is fun. Cherish living with your friends and just hanging out. After you graduate, society tells us that we have to get a job and join the soulless mass that is the corporate world. When Billy Corgan sang "the world is a vampire," he hit the nail in the motherfucking coffin. Working will suck your soul dry; take away all bastions of creativity and youthful exuberance that you ever had.
I am completely disillusioned. People will tell you to do what you love, but that would mean never going to work. Most of us, though, need the money generated fom working to buy necessary items such as food and shelter. You're fucked if you do work, you're fucked if you don't. I'd be totally for some sort of new world order. I'd be totally for anarchy, but my mistrust in people assures me that it will eventually turn into some form of oligarchy. How about an 'end of Fight Club' scenario? Raze everything and start from scratch? Sounds good to me. Thus far, work is slowly eating away at my soul. Somehow we need to stop the feast.

The power of words

2007-09-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

So I'm driving home from working today, flipping through radio stations, when "Fergielicious" comes on. Now this is easily one of the worst songs ever written, but it's like a train wreck. I just can't change the station, I have to keep listening. What really irks me about the song, though, is that Fergie spells tasty T-A-S-T-E-Y. Okay, I get that they needed to do this to make the song work, but bad grammar and poor spelling just piss me off. One of my biggest pet peeves is people mixing up 'your' and 'you're'. It's not that difficult! Try proof-reading for once. Words can be a powerful force upon themselves depending on how you use them. The right word in a sentence can completely change the tone and impact of a piece of writing. That being said, here are words/phrases I like and dislike:

DISLIKE

Crunk - I don't get this word. It's a mix of drunk and something, but, um, what the hell's the other word? And what's wrong with trashed or shit-faced? What a stupid word.

Guesstimate - look, you guess or you estimate. There is no fucking reason for these two words to be put together

Titty Bar - strip club sounds much more sophisticated (and makes me feel like less of a pervert)

Urine - just an ugly word. I prefer piss

Gesticulate - sounds too much like testicle

Rubber - when it is used as an euphemism for condom. Just bothers me for some reason

Tinkle - are you five?

Potty - ditto

Buttocks - I think only moms can say this word without it sounding really awkward

LIKE

Nemesis - a frickin cool sounding word that also inevitably brings back memories of the awesome nemesis enforcer

Extrapolate - it just rolls off the tongue

Pretentious - you sound all important when you say it (kind of ironic when you think of it)

Cougar - just a vivid word

Boob - they're awesome and boob spelled backwards is boob

Sardonic - kinda sounds like sardine

Uber - like mega, but German

Romp - has several meanings

Callous - it can mean evil as well as something that solidifies over a cut. Sweet deal

Jiggle - creates some fantastic images

I'm addicted to football

2007-09-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

please tell me why
The car is in the front yard and I'm
sleeping with my clothes on
came in through the window last night
and you're gone
It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy
cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
a smoke alarm is going off and there's a cigarette
still burning

Lit - My Own Worst Enemy

So it's football season, and of course I'm excited as balls. But I have to ask myself: why? Football season ensures that I will be anxious and nervous until the super bowl. My moods on Mondays (and next Tuesday) will be determined by the previous day's Eagles game. We had one of the worst losses EVER yesterday, and I've been in a foul mood all day (probably didn't help that my computer's being a little cunt today). Honestly, how do we lose that game? Favre played like the 85-year-old he is. Our defense was dominant. Green Bay's offense did precisely shit. Yet our offense was anemic, McNabb was not his best, and the play calling was suspect at best. Despite all that, we lost because of two (fucking two!) fumbled punts. Never have I seen that in my life. And I just happened to be sitting between Packer fans at the bar. Just perfect.
One day football will undoubtedly kill me. I do not doubt this. When the Eagles lose, I'm crushed. When they win, I don't feel elation, but rather relief. And yet I can't walk away from the games. It's like fuckin heroin. I crave it, even though I know it's bad for me. I mean c'mon, it's not like I'm cheering for the Colts or the Pats. As much as I love the Eagles, they're gonna need a hell of a season to reach the super bowl, let alone win the damn thing. In my lifetime, they've won precisely zero titles. So I'd have to be insane to still cheer for them, right? Insane to give them everything I have emotionally and mentally for the next four months. And yet it's not even a question if I'll continue to root for the birds. Of course I fucking will. Is it smart? Rational? Sensible? To devote that much to one cause where the odds point to you being disappointed?? It's nuts! But yet, I'm no where near alone. As much as I live and die with the Eagles, I'd be hard-pressed to say that I'm their biggest fan. I'm sure there's some people out there more hardcore than me. And I feel for them, I really do. We all need serious help. It's like walking across a set of railroad tracks knowing that you're gonna get creamed by a freight train. I feel like Nancy Kerrigan, all I want to know is: why??

Superbad is superawesome

2007-09-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well I don't care about history
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
'Cause that's not where I wanna be
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
I just wanna have some kicks
I just wanna get some chicks
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school

Well the girls out there knock me out, you know
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
Cruisin' around in my GTO
Rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school
I hate the teachers and the principal
Don't wanna be taught to be no fool
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock'n'roll high school

The Ramones - Rock N' Roll High School

So I meant to write about Superbad after I saw it opening day, but one thing led to another, I got distracted, got busy, whatever. The time, though, has come for me to have my say.
If you haven't seen this movie, you SUCK. Seriously. One of the best fucking movies ever. The best comedy I have EVER seen in a theater (even beating Borat, which I absolutely loved). I had high expectations for the movie based on Apatow and Rogen's involvement with it, and these were not only met, but completely blown out of the water. I even saw Superbad twice in theaters. To put that in perspective, the only other movie I've seen twice in theaters was Gladiator.
Now what makes Superbad better than all the other coming-of-age teen high-school romps? What makes it better than American Pie, Better Off Dead, and The Breakfast Club? Well the beauty of Superbad lies in its realism. One of the most true-to-life scripts you'll ever hear. That's fucking how people talk! That is how guys talk! They didn't try to make the movie some sort of existential period piece. This is not a David Lynch piece. They went for realism (um minus the cops). If I'm out with my friends, that's how we would interact. The awkward situations were done brilliantly. I could see either me or someone I know getting into situations from the movie. But what really added to the realism of the movie were the drunk scenes. Being a fan of alcohol, I know how I act when I'm drunk. I feel like I know how other people act. And Martha MacIsaac's portrayal of a drunken Becca was one of the most realistic cinematic scenes I have ever seen. I can see every girl I know being drunk enough to act like that. That's how drunks girls behave!! Superbad is brilliant because of it's simplicity and it's honesty. It doesn't try to be moralistic or deliver some sort of conceited message about life. It's about kids in high school that are on their way to college and are looking to get laid; exactly what every kid entering college is looking to do. Seth and Evan are young, they don't get women, and they're horny as fuck. Hmm maybe there is a message in there after all.
Just go see Superbad. An amazingly fun movie. You'll leave smiling and wanting a beer (albeit a bit nostalgic for high school and college). And I can't even get into McLovin. One of the top five characters of all time (up there with Tony Montana, the Terminator and James Bond). He stole pretty much every scene he was in, and the sex scene at the end that leads to the donut scene is just classic. What a great movie. And lastly, dibs on Becca.

On money

2007-08-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and your O.K.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team
Money get back
I'm all right Jack keep your hands off my stack.
Money it's a hit
Don't give me that do goody good bullshit
I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a Lear jet
Money it's a crime
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie
Money so they say
Is the root of all evil today
But if you ask for a rise it's no surprise that they're
giving none away

Pink Floyd - Money

So after being in the work force for roughly 8 months, I have learned one infallible truth: it's all about money. Everything is. No one does anything that's not monetarily related. Yeah, it sounds cynical, but to think anything else is simply naive. So lots of people want to help others and become doctors. Would this profession be so appealing, though, if the salaries weren't so high? And lots of people want to save the environment.... but don't think for one second Al Gore isn't making a killing off the whole global warming phenomenon, either direct or indirectly. It saddens me that money has managed to wiggle its fingers into every aspect of life. It decides what we see, what we learn. When you think about it, the only purpose of ANY TV show not on a premium channel is to sell advertisements. No one makes a show for the sake of art. Even art itself is only made to create money. What's so great about being a musician? To quote Dire Straits, "your money for nothing and your chicks for free."
Now I support capitalism and a free economy, but where does it stop? Nothing is sacred anymore. Cartoons are created to sell toys to kids. Movies created to sell products. Churches built to be nothing more than cash-cows. And as we become a world of corporations, and we see how powerful lobby's are affecting our policies, is it not inevitable that we become not a country of the people, by the people and for the people, but rather a country of the corporation. Is it too late to tear down the economy and create an anarchic utopia where we rely on each other and the goodness of humanity? Perhaps not too late, but the better question is will that even work. I doubt it. One greedy individual would send the entire complex tumbling down, and, for humans, there are few emotions as powerful as greed. Greed is what drives our society. Do people really need 20 million and a yacht to live comfortably? Giving even half of what they have to the less fortunate would no doubt make the world a better place. But in the end it comes down to the fact that we value money more than the life of some miniscule human being that we don't even know. We are a materialistic society, and materials require money. This mindset is likely impossible to change. I can't honestly say I don't want money. It lets me buy stuff. Would it be better for the world if I spent my 20 bucks on food for the poor rather than the Blades of Glory DVD? Well of course... but then how am I going to indulge myself? Whoever said 'money isn't everything' probably just didn't have any.

A few tiny thoughts

2007-08-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

After watching Real Sports this week, I decided I'm highly against dog fighting. That shit is FUCKED UP. Anyone whos takes part in it should be flogged.

You know what else is fucked up? People messing with other peoples cars! Sooo someone decided it'd be fun to mess with my tires. Hey, whoever you are, FUCK YOU! You're a worthless piece of shit and I would gladly beat you with a crow-bar if I knew who you were. Fucker

Dear everyone in the south,

learn to fucking drive!!

Sincerely,
Me

So Bonds finally broke Aaron's record. What ya gonna do? It was bound to happen. Did he do steroids? Yeah, probably. But in his defense, baseball never made steroids illegal. That's their damn fault. What still bothers me is that the man sounds like he's 12.

Someone needs to tell all those people with confederate flags that the civil war's over. Thanks.

Football season's starting!! Thank you god.

I love Erin Andrews

For several years one of the most common discussions I had among friends was which actress from 7th Heaven was hotter: Jessica Biel or Beverley Mitchell. After I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, i think we can definitively say that Biel has won the battle. Mitchell, meanwhile, was last seen in Saw II. Clearly Cinemax lies ahead. And I, for one, am excited.

On the Vick saga

2007-07-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

Halls of Justice Painted Green
Money Talking
Power Wolves Beset Your Door
Hear Them Stalking
Soon You'll Please Their Appetite
They Devour
Hammer of Justice Crushes You
Overpower

The Ultimate in Vanity
Exploiting Their Supremacy
I Can't Believe the Things You Say
I Can't Believe
I Can't Believe the Price You Pay
Nothing Can Save You

Justice Is Lost
Justice Is Raped
Justice Is Gone
Pulling Your Strings
Justice Is Done
Seeking No Truth
Winning Is All
Find it So Grim
So True
So Real

Metallica - ...And Justice for All

Pacman Jones got in a brawl at a strip club -probably not the best of ideas, but he'll be forgiven. Tank Johnson had enough guns in his house to storm the Vatican - we forgave him, and didn't even raise a fuss when he was allowed to play in the Superbowl. Iverson kicked his naked wife out of his house - and we forgave him (everyone's wanted to just kick their woman out of the house some time or the other, right? Right?). Jamaal Lewis served time in prison for helping to set-up a cocaine sale - and he was forgiven. Then we get to Ray Lewis - the man was implicated in someone's stabbing. The dude died for crying out loud! - yet we forgave him. But lastly is Mr. Michael Vick. He made the mistake of messing with dogs - and he will NEVER be forgiven.
America's an affluent countr, so we have the luxury of doling on our pets, specifically our cats and dogs. They become our companions and part of our family. Shit, the last time I cried was when my dog died. Our pets need us to live, so they are always there. You don't have to deal with rivalries or jealousy or greed or any of the other petty things that make human-to-human relationships so damn difficult. With the amount people work in this country, often human to animal relationships are the only ones we have time for, sadly enough. So when someone hurts our beloved animals, well it raises the ire of the nation.
With the amount of murders and other tragedies in this country, it seems like we're almost desensitized to these things. You don't see a People for the Ethical Treatment of People. Animals are seen as small and defenseless, and so they will always be a sympathetic figure. As much as I love animals, PETA just seems insane to me sometimes. Seriously, get a fucking job! But anytime there is even the slightest hint of animal cruelty, there is PETA, ready to fight on behalf of the tiny creatures that can't speak for themselves.
So whether Vick was personally involved with the dog fights or not, he's fucked. I mean, let's suppose he wasn't directly involved, I find it hard to believe that he had no clue what was happening on his property. He didn't notice the charge for twenty dog kennels on his credit card bill? Even if we give Vick the benefit of the doubt, the man is fucked. His reputation has been sullied beyond repair. Athletes, especially African-American athletes, are placed under a degree of scrutiny not felt by any other public figures. Politicians, musicians and actors always seem to be able to get away with what athletes are crucified for. Athletes are seen as being pampered and coddled and overpaid for playing a child's game. Their salaries are directly based on our, the fans, attendance of their events, and all we ask in return is that they be model citizens. It seems rather hypocritical that while selling drugs will give a rapper "legitimacy," it would serve only to vilify an athlete, but life is intrinsically not fair. While the majority of athletes are not only modern citizens, but go above and beyond that, giving much back to their communities, it is the few that take part in less honorable behaviors that always seem to garner national attention, which is truly a shame.
I've never been the biggest Vick fan, always felt he's been highly overrated and I just never bought the hype, but I kinda have to feel for the man. He's been named guilty by the general public before he's even been given a fair trial. Is some of this his own doing? Undoubtedly. Dog fighting charges don't just come out of nowhere. But the man is being publicly hung (not to mention the fact that the ugly racial divide in this country is once again rearing its head). A black athlete involved in dog fighting? Sorry Mike, but you're fucked. Your endorsements, your appeal, your overall celebrity... say goodbye to it. It's done, over. Good luck Vick, you're gonna need it. Next time maybe just kick a baby. No one likes them.

Some random thoughts on the day of Beckham's first MLS game

2007-07-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am immortal
I have inside me blood of kings
I have no rival
No man can be my equal
Take me to the future of your world

Born to be kings, princes of the universe
Fighting and free
Got your world in my hand
I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand
We were born to be princes of the universe

Queen - Princes of the Universe

Okay, the whole Beckham spectacle is absolutely ridiculous. I have to say, it's rather impressive. 300,000 jerseys sold?? That is insane! Now, I've previously stated that I didn't think Beckham could make soccer popular in the US, but what I failed to consider is the paparazzi and celebrity friends that follow him. Beckham is famous for being famous. And he has famous friends. If you want attention in America, those two things are gold. I mean, look at Paris Hilton. I have no idea why she's even in the news. I wanna see where soccer can go with Beckham. The problem I foresee is that he will be bigger than the actual game. The NFL has avoided this at all costs. Babe Ruth, Gretzky and Jordan did this to baseball, hockey and basketball, respectively, and in the long run it may have hurt their sports (though it can also be argued that Gretzky and Jordan saved their sports in the first place). I mean, Ruth is still more popular than ANY baseball player alive today. And it can be argued that neither the NHL or NBA have recovered from the retirements of Gretzky and Jordan. It's too damn hard to find athletes who are both excellent ambassadors for their sports AND the most talented in their sport. Regardless, if anyone can make soccer big in America it is Beckham. And I gotta say, I'll be rooting for him. It's gonna be a tough road though.

- So I was trying to think of why Beckham would leave Europe to come here. This is a country where poker is more popular than soccer. Obviously, the money was sweet. And I totally underestimated how hyped his arrival would be. But if you're a pro athlete, don't you have that urge to play at the highest level? The MLS is probably comparable to the second division in one of the major European leagues. Beckham is better than that. Watching the last few minutes of his Galaxy debut, though, it hit me.... he really can't lose here. He's already being hailed a savior and will make every MLS team money simply by him playing in the game. Since it's the MLS, there really isn't any pressure. Compared to the British sports media that regularly rips Beckham apart, the American media will be much softer, and thus far our media have embraced Beckham to a degree that I find quite astounding. EVERYONE is talking about him, and it's all been positive. If you were given a fuck load of money to live in LA, have relatively little pressure on you, and be treated like a hero (and this is before you even played a game!), how could you turn this down? Yeah, the competition in Europe is greater. But the money would likely not be as good, the pressure would be100 times greater, and Beckham would not be as dominant a figure as he can be in the MLS. And ultimately, if he can manage to truly penetrate the American sports zeitgeist and make soccer a major part of US culture, then he will be more than a big-time athlete. He will go down with Jordan, Gretzky and Ruth and will become the stuff of legends.

- Seriously, how do people just walk into a bar wearing a cowboy hat, boots, and overalls while taking themselves seriously? You fuckers look ridiculous! Granted, you're also all roughly 5 inches and 100 pounds bigger than me, so do as you wish.

- Thick Texas accents piss me off. Thus far, I think the only accents I actually like are Wisconsin accents. They amuse me.

- They should rename Texarkana Land O' Lakes, cause every girl here is a butter face

-If they gave out medals for picking out the slowest check-out line at stores, I would win gold all the time

- On a related note, Walmarts kinda creep me out. Not sure if it's the mass consumerism or the fact that the gigantic Walmarts they have here just remind me of the south. There's just something intrinsically wrong with a store that refuses to sell albums that have 'explicit lyrics' but has no problem selling guns

- If ESPN's plan was to put Jessica Biel on 'Who's Now?' in an effort to get me to watch... it worked. If you're a girl, and you want a guy, go learn some sports facts. It's ensures that you always have a conversation piece and it's hot as hell.

Other things girls should do:
- Wear jeans that have like slits near the knees. They have that punk vibe too em. Love that
- Learn to cook. EVERY guy you know will love you if you make them food
- Learn to fix cars. When the chick in Transformers is trying to fix Bumblebee.... just damn (the midriff baring shirt and hip-hugging jeans also helped a tad)

- Why's Cuba Gooding doing Hanes commercials with MJ? These are weird

Whos Now? Who Cares....

2007-07-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

I took the tube back out of town
Back to the Rollin' Pin
I felt a little like a dying clown
With a streak of Rin Tin Tin

I stretched back and I hiccupped
And looked back on my busy day
Eleven hours in the Tin Pan
God, there's got to be another way

Who are you?

The Who - Who Are You?

Probably 75% of the actual television I watch is sports. This means that Sportscenter is my TV bible. I watch it everyday. It comforts me. I need noise to seep, and in the absence of music I'll go with Sportscenter. Lately, though, they have been doing this stupid 'Who's Now?' segment where they pit 32 athletes in a March Madness type tournament to decide who the ultimate 'now' athlete is. Now, as interesting as this might sound (i mean, what guy doesn't love arguing sports?), there are several flaws with ESPN"S whole tournament process.
The athletes selected poses a major problem. Shaun White? Kelly Slater? Chuck Liddell?? How are they even on the list? And you're putting Vince Young and Matt Leinart on the list instead of McNabb or Favre? And where's AI, KG, Duncan, Oden, Durant? No way in hell TonyParker is bigger than any of them (rap album or not). I mean, how can you do a 'who's who' of athletes without some of the biggest names? And you expect people to accept this thing as somehow legitimate? Such bullshit.
And the whole thing only considers non-retired athletes. Which, again, is total bullshit. Where's Barkley? And Bird? And Magic? What about Emmit Smith, Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Wayne Gretzky, Bo Jackson, Willie Mays, Pele. The whole thing is flawed as balls. How can you expect anyone to take this seriously when you leave off Michael Jordan, who is still arguably the biggest athlete on the planet? Put him in the bracket and NOBODY, beats him (with maybe Tiger Woods being the exception, but I have a feeling Jordan would win that battle).
Lastly, the way they decide who wins is utter crap. Their "panel" accounts for 30% percent of the vote. Now, I'm fine with Wilbon, he covers all sports on a daily basis. But Keyshawn Johnson? Sorry if I don' exactly respect his opinion on a wide variety of sports or expect him to be unbiased as it regards to football (though, he did surprisingly vote against Reggie Bush, but I'm gonna chalk that up to jealousy). Don't you really need a larger panel here? I mean, these guys said Tony Parker was bigger than Roger Federer. So the greatest tennis player of this generation (and, by the time he's done, maybe all time) is less 'now' than Parker who, though an all-star, can't really even be considered a top-5 NBA point guard? What kind of crap is that? What about LT over David fricking Beckham? Ridiculous.
I'd say it was a good idea... but it's not really. Does anyone actually like this thing? It's annoying as balls. And I didn't mind Stuart Scott before the whole thing began (unlike a large number of people), but he's starting to get on my nerves at this point. And honestly, if they define "now" to me one more time, I will kidnap Chris Berman until they stop this travesty. I still love you ESPN, but this time you have led your flock astray. Just stick to highlights.